Fever

by Carnal, MJ

  Kate stops mid mouthful and looks at me warily before quickly swallowing and putting her glass down, grabbing the remote in the process.

  “Anything good on the box?” she asks, changing the subject. That is strange!

  “Kate, why do you act weird whenever I mention Zan?”

  “What do you mean?” she asks with an uncomfortable chuckle.

  “Exactly that! Did he try something that night I left you at the bar with him? Cause honest to God, he’s a good guy hon, but if he made you feel uncomfortable or anything I’ll fucking cut his-”

  “No! Nothing like that, Mac. He was a perfect gentleman. I was drunk, he brought me home and made sure I was okay, then left. “

  “So why have you been acting weird whenever I mention his name?”

  “I don’t know.” She looks away again, looking uncertain about the conversation. Vowing to talk to Zander about it later, I let it go. It’s obvious she’s not going to tell me, so I’ll get it out of the man of the hour tonight.

  A few hours later, I leave Kate at home to meet up with Zander at the Pink Monkey. It’s his hangout of choice these days, and I can see why. After meeting him outside, we’re ushered in, and he grabs us a couple of drinks before leading me to one of the VIP cabanas lining the far wall. The white curtains are sheer, but still give the feeling of privacy. Unlike the last time I was alone with Zander, I’m not nervous. Funnily enough, I feel at peace.

  He’s been the perfect gentleman so far. Apart from giving me a peck on the cheek when I arrived, and guiding me towards the bar by placing his hand on the small of my back, there has been none of his predictable and usually welcomed flirty behavior and dirty talk. I’m sure he knows what I want to talk to him about. Zander may be many things, but he is wise beyond his years.

  Taking a seat opposite me on the white leather bench seat, he leans back and rests his arm on the top of the seat, lifting his leg to rest his ankle on his knee. I shake my head, earning a grin.

  “What?” he asks with a smirk.

  “You know what.”

  “Yeah, I do. I can’t help it. It’s what I do, Mac.”

  “And you do it so damn well. No wonder you get paid to flirt.”

  I notice his smile fade and his body tense up. Shit! What did I say wrong?

  “There’s more to me than just a pretty face and a fit body. You of all people should know that,” he says curtly.

  “Of course, Zan. Hey, where’s this coming from?” I ask, shocked by his overreaction.

  “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

  “No, don’t dismiss me. What’s going on?” I’m not letting this one slide. Zander is one of the most down to earth guys you could ever meet. He has never felt the need to defend his profession to anyone, especially me.

  He takes a long swig of his bottle of Corona, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “I’m thinking about a change of scenery, work wise.” He looks over the table at me intently, gauging my reaction.

  “Wow, Zan, that is awesome. I know you’ve wanted to branch out for a while now. So what do you wanna do then?”

  “I’ve just been accepted into the Chicago Police Department’s basic recruit training,” he says cautiously, watching me closely for a reaction.

  “Zander, that is fucking fantastic news. Holy crap, you’re gonna be a cop!” I shriek ecstatically as I jump up and move around the table to hug the life out of him.

  He wraps his free arm around me, returning my hug with equal enthusiasm while sighing with relief.

  “Hey,” I say, standing up and moving back a step to look at him. “Why the hell were you holding your breath? I’m not that scary.”

  “No, but honestly, you’re the first person I’ve told. I only found out today,” he says sheepishly.

  I whack his arm with the back of my hand before moving back to my seat. “Dude, you’re gonna be a cop. That is awesome! Now that deserves a toast!” I clink my glass against his beer bottle and go to take a sip, but the smell of the lemon drop makes me cringe before it’s even hit my lips.

  Zander sees me put my glass down on the table without drinking from it and looks over at me with a puzzled expression. “What’s wrong?”

  “I dunno. Just don’t feel like it for some reason.”

  “You okay, Mac? You said you wanted to talk to me?”

  “Ah, yeah,” I say, shifting in my seat, my earlier bravado dissipating.

  “Everything okay?” he asks, concern covering his face.

  “Yeah, I mean no, but… oh!” I brush back my hair from my face, trying to summon up the courage to say the words I mean to say. “I can’t have sex with you anymore,” I spit out, covering my eyes with my hands, bracing myself.

  “I know.”

  My eyes snap open, and I look over at him. “You know?”

  He chuckles. “Yeah, Mac. I got that impression when you froze up a few weeks ago when I kissed you, and how you couldn’t get home quick enough. When I dropped Kate home later that night and you weren’t home, I figured something was up.”

  “Oh.” I should have known he’d pick up on my awkwardness.

  “So, I’m guessing you’ve met someone, or you’re not feeling it with me anymore. Either way, I’m okay with it, babe. We’re friends first, the mind blowing sex was just an added bonus,” he adds with a wink.

  I can’t help but grin. “Wow, this is a lot easier than I thought.” I’m actually relieved. I should have known that Zander would be the easiest to talk to. He always has been. Maybe it’s that we’re close in age, or simply that it’s always been casual between us. No schedule, no planning, always spur of the moment kind of thing.

  “So, which is it?” he asks, snapping me back into reality.

  “Ah, a guy. He’s kind of thrown me for a loop.”

  “Thought so,” he muses, smiling as he lifts his beer bottle. “About damn time.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask, floored by what he just said.

  “You’ve been rather quiet for the past few months, and you turned me down a few weeks ago. The Mac I know wouldn’t do that if she wasn’t being turned inside out by a man. And you deserve that, babe. You’re a catch, a hot little pocket rocket of awesome that deserves to be loved.” The smile on his face when he says that is indescribable. He looks happy for me, truly happy.

  “I hope so,” I say forlornly.

  “Hey now, why the long face? You should be glowing. Maybe a little bit girly, giggly even?”

  I quirk an eyebrow at him questioningly. “Girly and giggly, Zan? Me?”

  “If he makes you happy, then yeah, girly and giggly. That’s how my sisters act when they’re mooning over a boy.”

  “I’m not a teenager Zan.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “He does make me happy. Well, he did, but then I ran away. Twice. The last thing he said was not to come back until I know what and who I want.”

  “Dude! What did you do?”

  “Freaked out when he told me he loved me.”

  “That’ll do it,” he mutters.

  “Anyway, enough about me. What is going on between you and Kate?”

  He chokes on his beer. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, why does she change the subject when I mention your name. You didn’t fuck her, did you? Cause that would be kinda gross in a ‘stirring the pot’ kind of way.”

  “No, I didn’t sleep with her, and thanks for the visual, by the way. There was a situation at the bar, we dealt with it, and I dropped her home. End of.”

  “End of? What happened? She won’t talk about it, or you.”

  His face drops. “She doesn’t want to talk about me?”

  “She just changes the subject back to me. Did you come on to her, and she rejected you?”

  “Hell no!” he says vehemently. “Kate is a knock out. A real firecracker. I’d be a fool not to see that but no I didn’t, and she didn’t. Just leave it Mac, I’m sure she’s fine. She was really drunk, and sh
e’s probably just embarrassed.”

  “Okay, if you say so,” I retort skeptically.

  “So, tell me about this man who has conquered the fortress known as Makenna Lewis’ heart.” And with a cheeky grin and a sparkle in his eye, Zander has just done the impossible. Render me speechless and make me smile at the same time.

  ***

  7 a.m. starts suck ass. Or balls. Yeah, big hairy smelly balls, that is what 7 a.m. starts are like. Especially when you’re feeling sick. And that’s me this morning. I know I must be a sight to behold too. I dare not look in the mirror because I know I look just as bad, if not worse, than I feel.

  My head is throbbing, my stomach feels like it has been turned inside out, and the smell of anything is making me dry retch. It’s been getting steadily worse over the past few days, and I’ve been burying my head in the sand and fight against the nagging thoughts in my head. It’s just not possible.

  Not a chance in hell.

  So I’m on my second bottle of water for the day already, and all it’s doing is making me pee constantly. All I do is sleep and pee and work. Occasionally, I’ll eat if I absolutely have to and the smell of the food I’m shoving in my mouth doesn’t make me gag, but I’m pretty much a sick shell of Mac. Kate’s worried about me and she’s already suggested I get checked out today during my shift, but I hit the ground running as soon as I arrived and haven’t had a chance to sit down, let alone see a doctor for a check-up.

  After finally catching a break and spending a spare few minutes to catch up on my patient charts at the nurse’s station, I look up to see a grinning Noah staring down at me.

  “Hey, stranger,” he says cheerfully before frowning. “Shit, you look like hell. Why are you still working?”

  “Hi to you too!” I reply snarkily before sighing and resting my hand under my chin to stop my head crashing down onto the desk in front of me. “I’m sure I’m okay. Just tired and nauseous. I’ll be right after a few days off from this place.”

  “How’s Daniel? I haven’t heard from him in over a month. He’s not answering calls or texts or anything. Keeping my boy busy I take it?”

  Damn. He hasn’t told Noah that we broke up, or that we had a non-break up before I turned up and confessed my deepest secrets to him before running away, again.

  “Ah yeah, something like that,” I say, dismissing him.

  “Everything’s okay with you two, right? Seriously, Mac, I wouldn’t have believed it unless I’d seen it with my own eyes, but he’s happy, and it is all because of you. I never thought it would happen for either of you.”

  God, that hurts to hear. Will I ever be ready to face the giant hole in my heart where Daniel Winters used to be? Where he should still be.

  Scratch that.

  Where he’s always going to fucking be.

  “Don’t worry, WD. We’re all good.”

  “Shit, we’re back to the WD thing, are we?” he says, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand just like Daniel does when he’s uncomfortable or nervous. Dammit, why can’t I stop thinking about the man? Day and night, everything reminds me of him. It’s likes water torture to my heart.

  “Hey, we may not be sleeping together anymore, Taylor, but you’ll always be WD to me,” I add with a wink.

  He chuckles. “Yeah, well I think we had a good run of it. But there was always gonna be a time when it didn’t suit one of us anymore.”

  “Yep.”

  “What about the others?” he asks inquisitively.

  “There are no others, not anymore. There haven’t been since I met Superman, I mean, Daniel.” Damn slip of the tongue. Oh Superman’s tongue. Now there is something I do miss, not as much as the man himself, but a close second or third definitely. The things he can do when he….

  “Mac?” Noah’s voice cuts through my errant thoughts, bringing me back to the now.

  “It’s good to see you settling down. And I’m glad you’re with someone like Winters. He’ll treat you right. You know that, don’t you?”

  Who would have thought The Walking Dildo could be so caring?

  I look up at him, struck by the sincerity staring back at me. “Yeah, I do.”

  “Good. Well, I better get back. I’m due in the OR in twenty minutes.”

  Then it hits me. Like a giant wrecking ball to the gut.

  “Shit!” I jump up, covering my mouth with my hand as I race past Noah and straight towards the nearest trash can I can find, emptying the entire contents of my stomach in the middle of the ICU.

  “Mac, are you okay?” he asks, immediately rushing to my side and grabbing my hair while I continue to dry retch.

  “I think you need to go home, hon.” He reaches around and feels my forehead. “No fever. Have you been feeling off for a while?”

  “Probably the last week. Just really tired, and then feeling really shitty when I eat. And the smell of anything seems to put me off food completely.”

  The man beside me chuckles. He has the audacity to laugh at my illness.

  “What? Why the hell are you laughing? Does this look funny?” I say, pointing towards the vomit filled trash can.

  “Mac, you need to go up to obstetrics and have a test.”

  I gasp. What the hell? “No Noah, there is no way I’m pregnant. I have an IUD, remember? And I haven’t had sex in-”

  “What?”

  Oh, good one loud mouth McGee. Let the cat out of the bag why don’t you? “Ah, nothing. I’ll be fine. Thanks for helping, but I’ll go clean up and head home.”

  “Mac” he growls. “You can’t ignore this. Go get tested. I’ll even take you up myself.”

  “Noah I’m-”

  “No. Don’t fight me on this. Go get tested, then I can breathe easy knowing that it’s nothing other than the start of morning sickness. Damn, I can’t wait to give Dan a ribbing for getting one past the goalie. “

  “No, you can’t!” I shout, a bit louder than planned.

  “What? He’ll be over the moon, Mac. He’s always wanted kids. And the way he looks at you, I can tell he’s already imagined having them with you. It’s written all over his face.” He explains.

  “I’ll go get tested, just to shut you up. But you can’t say anything to Daniel. Not yet. I’ll wait to see if there is anything to tell him first. You have to promise me, Noah.” I’m pleading now. This whole situation has turned into a shit fight of epic proportions.

  “Okay, but you let me know what they say because I’ll bet my ass that you’re pregnant, with a Winters’ child no less. The damn baby will be in Bears’ gear before it’s even born.” He chuckles before leaning over and kissing my temple. “Get checked and page me. I’ll only be in the OR for an hour or so. I’ll see you afterwards, okay?” he asks with a quirked brow. Noah is like a dog with a bone on this, and I know he won’t let it go until I tell him yes.

  “Yes, I’ll page you. Now go. Be a doctor. Save a life and all that.” I shoo him away and walk towards the ladies room to freshen up.

  Two hours later I’m planted on the couch at home, staring at the blank television screen in shock.

  Pregnant. I’m fucking pregnant. Again. Four and a half years after the guilt of losing my first baby consumed me, I’m facing the same predicament again.

  Alone, pregnant, and scared shitless.

  The difference this time is that there is no way I’m not having this baby. Daniel isn’t Beau. He is as far from Beau as anyone can be. Picture Mother Theresa and the Devil, that is the wide expanse that is the difference between Daniel Winters and Beau Gregory.

  I know that whatever happens, or doesn’t happen between the two of us, Daniel will always be there for his child.

  But I can’t tell him. Not yet.

  He’ll want me back, but it will just be for the baby, and we both deserve more than that. Having paged Noah as promised after my appointment, we found a spare on call room, and he held me while I cried my eyes out. I didn’t tell him that I wasn’t with Daniel anymore. I just said I was in shoc
k. Who would think that I would be in the 1% of people who actually get pregnant with an IUD on board.

  Not me!

  After peeing on the stick, the lines came up pretty much straight away, confirming that I was indeed very pregnant. Then the clinic nurse came in and drew some blood before the doctor instructed me to change into a gown and lay down on the bed. I put my feet into the stirrups on the bed and the doctor explained that she needed to perform an ultrasound to check on the position of my IUD to determine whether it was safe to remove it. When she located the IUD and the amniotic sac containing my baby, she safely removed the offending, and total failure of a contraception device from inside of me and instructed me to get dressed again. Once she’d given me instructions to get some prenatal vitamins and enough information pamphlets to inform a third world country, I was told to make an appointment in six weeks’ time for a scan at the end of my first trimester.

  Me, Makenna Lewis. Age 24. From Chicago, Illinois.

  Pregnant.

  Again.

  I left work after my appointment, somehow making it home on the L and walking the few blocks to our place before setting myself down on the couch and staring at the blank television. I’ve been sitting here for the past twenty minutes reevaluating the current state of my life.

  This was the last thing I thought I’d have thrown at me. But what’s the saying, when life gives you lemons, mix with tequila and salt and have a fucking good time? Well since I can’t partake in my friend Jose for the next nine months, I might as well make lemonade.

  And then there’s Daniel.

  a.k.a. My Baby Daddy.

  How am I supposed to tell him? I don’t want him to take me back because of some obligation to his child. It would always be at the back of my mind. I would always think that he is with me because I’m carrying his baby.

  People successfully raise children apart all the time these days, it can be done, but I do want him back. Every step I’ve taken in the past three weeks has been towards making myself worthy for him, becoming the woman he deserves me to be. Not a scared hollow shell of a woman who holds men at length to protect herself.