by Carnal, MJ
I get myself together and look down at her. “Hey there, sweetness, watch out. You don’t know who you can run into back here.”
Chapter One
Connor
“Connor?”
Relief floods through my system at the sound of her voice and the feel of her hand tightening around mine. I pull myself from the memories of the first night I saw Lynae. I jump forward, cupping her cheeks in my hands. “Lynae, baby. I’m so sorry. Thank God!” I hold her face and just stare at her. I completely forget that Dr. Greene and the ultrasound technician are in the room with us.
“What’s going on? Where am I?” Lynae asks, her voice low and raspy. She looks around the hospital room, taking in her surroundings.
Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh.
The sound of our baby’s heartbeat echoes throughout the room as my own heartbeat is pounding in my ears. My sweetness is awake. She isn’t looking at me like she did the last time her eyes were on me. The pain and the hate are missing. In their place I see confusion and questions, but I’m sure that the anger will be coming back to light the fire in them again soon.
“Baby, you had an accident. You fell down the stairs.” I lean forward and press my lips to her forehead, breathing her in.
Dr. Greene interrupts us. “Lynae, I’m so glad you’re awake. I’m Dr. Greene. We need to take some vital signs and finish your ultrasound. Then you and Connor can talk some more.” He presses the call button for the nurse to come in, then turns back to Lynae. “Do you remember what happened?”
Lynae tries to push herself up in the bed, but quickly stops and leans back against her pillows. “Ah!”
“Rest, sweetness. Don’t try to move.” I scoot closer to her side. I’m practically in the bed with her at the moment, I don’t know how I could possibly get any closer, but I need to be with her.
She shakes her head, trying to clear her thoughts.
“Lynae, you need to rest. You have a few broken ribs, and you’ve been unconscious for two days,” Dr. Greene informs her, as the ultrasound technician moves her equipment out of the way. “Like Connor said, you had a nasty fall. You may not remember much, but it will come back.”
Lynae looks so tiny lying in the hospital bed. So frail and weak, not the strong woman I’ve come to know and love. I feel like I broke her. Hell, I did break her. I just hope what we have isn’t broken beyond repair. I need her more than I need air to breathe. “Whatever you need, babe, just let me know, I’ll get it for you. I’m not leaving your side.” I need her to know that I am here for her. I will always be here for her.
“Connor, if you don’t mind stepping back for a few minutes? I need to examine Lynae,” Dr. Greene asks.
I take a few steps back, but I refuse to leave the room. I don’t want to let her out of my sight. Lynae’s eyes dart from me back to Dr. Greene as he begins to ask her more questions. She answers in a quiet voice. He shines a light in both of her eyes and makes her squeeze his hands.
I watch as Dr. Greene pokes and presses around her abdomen and my breath catches. I hope that pushing on her like that won’t hurt the baby. Fuck! The baby! I think back to Lynae’s body bouncing down the stairs. I cringe thinking about what could have happened. How is Lynae going to handle this news? My mind swirls with worry and questions.
The sound of Dr. Greene’s shoes clicking on the tile floor draws my attention. “Connor, I’ll let you and Lynae talk some. Don’t get her too excited. She needs her rest.” He gives me a pointed look. “But first, I’d like to speak to you for a moment in the hallway.”
I get up and follow Dr. Greene outside the door after I kiss Lynae on the forehead and tell her I’ll be right back. I don’t want to leave her. Even for one second.
“What?” I know I sound short and rude, but I have to get back to my sweetness.
Dr. Greene pulls the door closed behind him. “Listen, Connor, I don’t know what happened, but I can sense from you and the rest of Lynae’s family that there is some tension between y’all. Right now, the pregnancy looks like it’s going fine, but it’s very early. I’ll have OB come and check her out too, but she needs rest. She needs to stay calm. Her head injury needs time to heal. I am going to wait to talk to Lynae about the baby until her father gets here as well.” He holds up his hand when I try to say something. “Son, just be there for her. Talk to her, listen to her.”
I don’t know how it seems that Dr. Greene can tell that there is an underlying current between Lynae and me, but I am getting a fatherly vibe from him. “Yes, sir. I understand. Can I get back in there now?” I ask.
Dr. Greene smiles and opens for me to go in. I immediately race to Lynae’s bedside chair again. In the mere minutes I was out in the hall, she has managed to get herself into a sitting position, and I see her grimacing as she tries to pull the covers back over her. “Babe, I told you just lie there.” I quickly help her adjust her blankets.
“Connor, my mind is foggy. I can’t tell what was a dream and what was real.” Lynae’s voice sounds a little stronger now that she’s sitting up, but she looks scared.
I know I need to tell her what happened, but I really don’t want to relive our fight. I hate myself for the horrible things I said to her. I want to kick my own ass. “Tell me what you do remember,” I gently suggest. I take her hand in mine again. I need to touch her.
“I, um, I remember coming upstairs. You and Wade were sitting in the living room...” Lynae’s voice trails off. She is staring deep into my eyes. I see a flash of pain cross her eyes. “You… you said…” Her voice cracks with emotion.
I move to sit on the side of the bed with Lynae. “Sweetness, I didn’t mean a word of it. You have to believe me.”
Lynae pulls her hand out of my grip. “I was praying it was a dream. I was didn’t think that you couldn’t have said those things.” Tears begin to well up in her eyes, and it is breaking my fucking heart even more. “I want you to leave.”
I can’t leave. She can’t push me away. I have to make her believe me. “Babe, please listen to me. I swear on my life that I didn’t mean a damn thing I said. I love you. I need you,” I implore. I reach out to cup her face in my hands, but she jerks her head away, wincing in pain at the sudden movement.
The tears start to spill over her red-rimmed eyes. Lynae pulls her bottom lip between her teeth in attempt to hold in the sob I hear bubbling up from deep within. She shakes her head. I can feel her withdrawing from me, like she did when we first met. “Get. Out,” she says through clenched teeth.
“No. Sweetness, I’m not leaving. I love you. I’m sorry. Please believe me.” I grab her wrists in my hands, pulling them away from her face.
“I don’t want to fucking hear it, Connor!” she cries. “You ripped my goddamn heart out! I was hoping it was all a really fucked up dream, but it wasn’t.” Lynae pulls away from me again.
I feel my like my heart is being ripped from my chest. “Baby, please. I—“
“Don’t ‘baby’ me! I said get out!” she screams.
Two nurses come running into the room at Lynae’s outburst. Lynae is shaking and crying in bed as I’m sitting here motionless. I can’t move. My life is sitting there hurting and I am powerless to fix it.
“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Now,” one of the nurses says sternly, while the other attempts to calm Lynae down.
I don’t argue. I force myself into a standing position. I look back at the love of my life, the mother of my child, my reason for living. I will make her believe me. I will prove to her that even though I am not worthy of her, I need her more than I need the air to breathe.
~
I push my way through the waiting room door, causing it to bounce off the wall. “Shit!”
Seth and Marcus are sitting on one of the couches, but immediately jump up when I come in. They have been staying close by to try to keep me and Sly from getting into it again. I don’t see Sly anywhere, so he must have gone back to Lynae's or Michelle’s apartment. Gabbi and Mic
helle are both working today, and I haven’t seen them yet this morning, but I know that they will be coming by as soon as they hear Lynae is awake.
“Dude, what’s wrong?” Marcus’ concerned voice draws my attention. He places his hand on my tense shoulder. “Something happen?”
I shake my head and fall into the closest chair. “I’ve lost her.” I can barely get the words out. It feels like a knife is digging into my chest.
“What?” Seth growls.
“I’ve lost her! She won’t give me a chance to explain.” The walls feel like they are closing in.
Marcus squats down in front of me. “Connor, tell me what you’re talking about. Is Lynae awake?”
I nod my head. “She’s awake. She remembers what happened. She hates me.” I groan and slouch back more in the chair. I feel tears prick at my eyes, but I won’t let them fall.
Seth sits in the chair beside me. “Fuck, man, when you said you lost her, I thought… Damn, I can’t even say it.” He leans his head back against the headrest, turning to face me. I know the guys have all grown very attached to her, even though they were all quick to jump on my side of things when I thought she had been messing around. I was an idiot. They were idiots to believe me instead of telling me to get my head out of my ass. “Connor, don’t scare the shit of us like that.”
I know I need to call John to let him know that she’s awake. And I probably should walk up to the lab to tell Michelle and Gabbi too, but I don’t think I can face them. They don’t know what really happened, but I know that as soon as they see Lynae, and she tells them, they are gonna hate me too. Aside from my guys, those crazy ass girls have been the closest thing to family I’ve had in ages. And John… I certainly don’t want to be around when he finds out how I treated his daughter after he trusted me with her.
“I need her! God! I can’t live without her!” I lean forward, bracing my arms on my knees. With my head hanging down between my shoulders, I groan. “She looked so small in that bed. Doc said the baby was fine, but they need to—“
I’m cut off by Seth and Marcus both interjecting at the same time. “Baby?”
“I let her fall. I practically shoved her! I could have killed her and the baby!”
Marcus, still squatting in front of me, shoves my shoulders back. “Back up a minute, man. She’s pregnant?”
Again, all I can manage is nodding my head. My heart is constricting in my chest. It feels like the walls in this tiny as hell room are squeezing in even further. I should be there with her when she finds out. I should be there holding her hand, supporting her through this, not sitting here falling apart. Lynae is hurting, and I can’t do a fucking thing to make it right. I’m the reason she’s in so much pain.
“Talk to me, man,” Marcus urges.
I look into the eyes of my lead guitarist and take a deep breath. “Not two seconds before Lynae woke up, Dr. Greene was doing an ultrasound. She’s pregnant. It looks like the baby is fine, but they are gonna run some more tests. He hasn’t told her yet, he wanted to wait until John got here. I was going to talk to her, but she started remembering what happened and started crying. The nurses kicked me out. She doesn’t want to see me. She fucking hates me.”
“Well, hell.” Seth sighs.
Marcus climbs up into the chair next to me. “Connor, Nae doesn’t hate you. She loves you, I know it. She’s just confused right now. I know that when she finds out about the baby, and gets out of here, she’ll talk to you. I was a damn fool to let you think anything of seeing her and Sly in her window. You were drunk, pissed as hell at the shit you’re dealing with, and your emotions run high when it comes to her.”
I close my eyes and lean my head back. My eyes are stinging. I try to take deep breaths in and out. My body is itching to run out of this room and right back into hers. I want to pull her in my arms, hold her close and make her believe that nothing bad can ever touch her again. A frustrated growl leaves my chest. “Agghhhh! God!”
“Alright. Connor, get your ass up. I’m taking you home. You need to clean up, and rest. You aren’t going to be worth a damn if you don’t take care of yourself too. She’s gonna need you, even if she doesn’t know it right now.” Marcus stands up and tugs on my arm.
Chapter Two
Lynae
Everything is dark. My eyelids feel like they are glued shut. I can sense Connor’s presence beside me, but I can’t seem to get my arms to reach out to him. I feel like I’ve been lying here forever. It could have been minutes or days. I don’t know. Wisps of what could be memories or dreams filter in and out of my mind. My heart constricts in pain at the thoughts drifting in my mind. Surely it can’t be real. Slowly, voices start to filter through the pounding in my head. I feel pressure on my belly and something cold gliding across it. I try to move my fingers again, and this time I manage to squeeze the hand I feel holding mine.
Cracking my eyes open, I see Connor sitting beside me. He looks exhausted. His strong jaw is covered with more than his usual dusting of stubble and there are bags under his eyes. Connor looks like he hasn’t slept in days.
“Connor?” My voice sounds like I’ve swallowed glass. It hurts to talk, it hurts to breathe.
Connor is all over me in an instant. He’s holding my face, gazing into my eyes, looking at me as if I may disappear. He’s talking and asking questions, but I can’t keep up. I try to push myself up in the bed to get more comfortable, but a sharp pain claws at my sides. It’s then that I realize I’m not in my room, but in a hospital bed. As I look around more, I see a doctor that I don’t recognize and an ultrasound technician. I don’t understand why I’m lying here.
Connor and the doctor I now know is Dr. Greene fill me in on what has happened the last forty-eight hours. I’m still a little foggy as to what happened in Connor’s apartment, but he keeps apologizing, saying that he didn’t mean what he said.
While Connor and Dr. Greene step outside to speak privately, a slideshow plays over and over in my mind.
“You fucked Matt! You probably asked for it! You probably begged for it!”
Small snippets of memory flash in my mind. Suddenly, I remember what Connor was accusing me of that night. I remember the violent and frightening look in his eyes. The Connor that I had grown to love was gone, replaced by a total stranger. One that made me feel like I did eight years ago: powerless, ashamed and alone. Looking into Connor’s eyes, I see that these are in fact memories, not a horrible nightmare. I still can’t believe he could have said all those things, but he did. He pushed me away when all I wanted to was to be there for him.
“I want you to leave,” I grind out when he returns to my bedside. I want him out of my room. I can’t look at him right now. I can’t deal with him. I need Daddy and Sly. I need Michelle.
Connor tries to reach for me again. “Babe, please listen to me. I swear on my life that I didn’t mean a damn thing I said. I love you. I need you.”
The tears that have been stinging behind my eyes start to spill over. It’s getting harder and harder to breathe. I shake my head, trying to push him away.
“No. Sweetness, I’m not leaving. I love you. I’m sorry. Please believe me.” He grabs at my wrists again, trying to pull me to him.
“I don’t want to fucking hear it, Connor!” I cry. “You ripped my goddamn heart out! I was hoping it was all a really fucked up dream, but it wasn’t.” I yank my body away from him. The stabbing pain in my ribs shoots through me like a knife.
“Baby, please. I—“
“Don’t ‘baby’ me! I said get out!” I scream, as two nurses come rushing in through my door.
One of them quickly forces Connor out, while another comes to my side immediately. I can’t hold back anymore. The sob that was locked in my throat comes out in a painful rush. I cry harder than I think I have ever cried.
“Miss Michaels, please calm down. It’s not good for the baby. You need to slow your breathing down.” The nurse at my side is stroking my shoulder gently.
Baby
? Oh my God! The room starts to spin. I feel lightheaded. My face is tingling.
“Slow, deep breaths. You’re hyperventilating,” one of the nurses tells me. I try to follow her commands. I focus on her face. I try to breathe in and out with her. It’s helping. The room doesn’t seem to be on a tilt-a-whirl ride anymore. “Good. My name is Sharon. I’m one of the nurses taking care of you, this is Kelsie.” She points to the other nurse who has come to my side as well.
I look between the two of them. I need to get some answers. Baby? I’m pregnant? Does Connor know? Of course he knows. Dr. Greene was doing the ultrasound right in front of him when I woke up. Holy shit! “I’m calm.” I keep taking slow breaths. It’s getting easier to breathe now. “Can I call my dad? Or can you call up to the Cardiac Lab and ask for Michelle?” I ask.
Kelsie takes my blood pressure while Sharon is looking at the monitors and IV pumps that I’m attached to. “Sure, honey. I’ll call Michelle for you. Dr. Greene said your dad was on his way up here. He already called to tell him you were awake. Do you want some water?” Sharon asks while she adjusts the IV drip.
“Thank you. When can I see Dr. Greene again? I need to ask him some questions.”
“I’ll go get him right after I call your friend. She was down here this morning before her shift started,” Sharon says as she leaves the room. Kelsie finishes assessing me, then follows Sharon out the door.
~
I look up at the clock on the wall. It’s a little after three in the afternoon. They said I was out for two days, so that makes today Monday. I feel so lost. I place my hands on my belly. There’s a life growing inside me. I’m having a baby. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around this concept. I don’t know what to do about Connor. Deep down, I know that I still love him, but I don’t know if I can be with someone that won’t let me in and can treat me the way he did. I just kicked the father of my child out of my hospital room. I lean my head back on my pillow and the tears start to fall again.
