by Carnal, MJ
“You’re stuck with me for the next two weeks. I called the station and they know not to expect me back until you go back to work yourself,” Sly informs me. “Besides, I’m gonna look into transferring out here. I need to be close to my girls.”
I rest my head on his shoulder after he's settled into the couch next to me. “Thanks, babe.” I really am grateful for him rearranging his life for me. I just hope that I can tolerate him. I already feel a little more hormonal right now and I’m barely pregnant. For the first time since I’ve known Sly, I’m worried I may actually get mad at him. Especially since I feel like he has taken to acting like another parent to me. God help me.
~
I’ve been huddled in the corner of my bedroom with my arms wrapped around my knees for at least the last hour. It’s the first time Sly has left me alone in two days. He left to pick up some groceries a little while ago, and I found my phone in my purse. The battery was completely dead, so I plugged it up and it seemed to blow up with texts and missed calls from Connor as soon as it had enough power to turn on. I made myself read each and every text message from him. They made my eyes well up with tears, but it was the pain in his voice on the voice messages that broke the dam all over again.
“Please, Lynae. Please call me. I need you. I love you.”
“I am so sorry. Baby, please. I’m dying here without you.”
“I will beg every single day of my life to get you back. I love you.”
“Sweetness, I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I don’t deserve you. You deserve so much better than me, but I am too selfish to let you go. I need you.”
“You make my heart beat. Please, baby. I can’t live without you. I didn’t mean anything I said. I’d rather cut my own heart out than hurt you like I did. Please. Please.”
“I love you. You have to know I love you.”
God, I know he loves me. My heart knows he loves me. My brain probably knows that too, but it won’t let me turn off the racing thoughts telling me he isn’t good enough for me. I want to call him back. I want to stay here in this corner hiding. I don’t know what the hell I want to do. I just know I want to stop crying and stop this pain. For a few brief moments, I felt like my life was finally getting back on a road I wanted to follow. I opened my heart up and let someone in. Look where it got me.
“Bitch! Where are you?” Gabbi’s voice carries through the apartment. I hear the front door slam and the sound of something being tossed on the kitchen table.
I remain sitting in the corner. I don’t know why; it’s not like I can hide from her. She will come looking for me.
“Babe?” Gabbi is kneeling in front of me, her hands on my shoulders.
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not.” Gabbi pulls at my hands. “You look like you haven’t showered in a few days. Gross. Come on.”
I let her pull me up and into the bathroom. I lean against counter as she turns on the shower then retreats back into my bedroom to gather some clothes.
Returning, Gabbi doesn’t waste any time yanking on my clothes in an attempt to get me into the shower.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I try to push her away, smacking at her hands.
“Finally, some fire back in ya.” Gabbi steps back and crosses her arms over her chest.
I weakly lean back against the counter again and look at her. “What?”
“You’ve crawled even more into your damn shell than before you met Connor. I don’t want to see you like that again. I miss the you that you became,” she responds. “We can see it in your eyes. Your fire is gone.”
For some reason, this just pisses me off. I know Gabbi is trying to help, but she’s not. “Damn it! The last few days have been really shitty!” I cry. “The man I thought I would end up marrying completely flips the fuck out on me. I fall down a flight of stairs after getting into argument with him. I find out I’m pregnant and alone. And I don’t know what the fuck I want to do.” I throw my hands up in exasperation. “I am so confused about Connor that my mind is spinning. I thought after I made him leave the hospital that he'd had enough of me because he didn’t come back. I come home and there's a million messages from him, all begging me and telling me he loves me.”
I push myself away from the counter and strip out of my clothes while I continue on my tirade. I don’t care that Gabbi is standing there and I’m as naked as the day I was born. I yank the shower curtain back and step into the hot water. “Sly wants to kill him. Daddy is surprisingly calm about everything, which completely confuses the shit out of me. Michelle wants his balls.” I stick my head back out to glare at Gabbi. “And you are talking to me about me being in a fucking shell! Maybe I like my shell! If I hadn’t come out of it in the first place I wouldn’t be so fucking shattered that I can’t even begin to put the pieces back together again! I fucking love him so goddamned much that it's killing me!” I crumble against the shower wall and bury my face into my hands and knees.
As I sit there under the streaming water, I feel Gabbi wrap her arms around me. She is still in her clothes, which are now soaking wet. “That’s the fire I was talking about. Let it out. You need to let all this pain out of you, or it is going to just eat away and destroy you.”
“I know, but it just hurts too much. I want to make it all go away.”
“Honey, I know that. But you can’t make it go away. It’s not going to.” Gabbi helps me stand up and finish showering. I feel totally helpless right now. I’m emotionally spent. Having Gabbi here to show me some tough love is exactly what I needed. Michelle and Sly have been treating me like porcelain since I woke up.
After getting dressed, and Gabbi changed into some of my dry clothes, I flop back on the bed as Gabbi lays down beside me.
“Feel better?” she asks, taking my hand in hers.
“A little.” And it’s the truth. I think letting it all out really helped. I haven’t really said much to anyone other than Connor when I first woke up. I had been keeping myself in my own head. I didn’t want to let my emotions and feelings out of their box. It felt like they were safer in there. Almost like if I didn’t say anything, this wouldn’t be real. “Thanks, girl. You know I love you, right?”
“Anytime, bitch. Now, I think today is a good day to have a veg fest on the couch. I brought cookies, gummy bears and orange juice.” Gabbi sits up, dragging me with her.
“Orange juice?” That combination sounds very weird, not to mention disgusting. I mean, who eats cookies and orange juice?
Gabbi continues to pull me out to the living room. “Yeah, orange juice has lots of folic acid in it, dummy. My niece needs it.”
"You know it's way too early to know if it's a girl or a boy," I call to her, as she goes to grab the snacks from the kitchen. I smile. A genuine smile. God love Gabbi. She may seem like a complete space cadet sometimes, but she truly has a heart of gold. I curl up on the couch, and when she comes back she's also holding a movie. She just shrugs and tells me to “shut it.”
“Magic Mike, baby! Nothing like seeing my future baby-daddy shaking his ass!” Gabbi chirps, waving the DVD case up above her head. I remember going to see that movie with her and Michelle on opening night when it came out. It was one of the few times I actually went out with them in the past. I was mortified by all the cat calls and hollering she and Michelle were doing in the theater, but I love my girls.
I giggle as she inserts the disc then settles down beside me.
“I made Wade watch this with me. I told him he needs to learn to dance like Channing if he plans on keeping me satisfied.” Gabbi smirks.
The mention of Wade has me drawing in a sharp breath. Wade’s name makes me think of Connor. Connor. God, I miss him. No. I will not let my thoughts go there again. Gabbi is trying to distract me and cheer me up. I will watch these half naked men strut their stuff and not think about the mess that is my life. Even if it is just for one night.
Michelle and Sly come in about half way through the movi
e. Michelle immediately jumps over the edge of the couch and sits beside me, trying to take my bag of cookies. A tug of war quickly ensues over the bag.
“Don’t you know me well enough not to try to take my sweets? Get your own, bitch!” I playfully smack her on the arm.
Michelle responds by throwing her arms around me and tackling me back onto the couch, kissing me loudly on the cheek. “There’s my Nae Nae!”
Sly sits in the recliner, taking in the three of us girls. He has a big smile spread across his face as he pulls the lever to extend the leg rest and shuts his eyes. “Y’all are nuts.”
Maybe I can get back to some semblance of normalcy. Tonight at least. I know I’ll have to talk to Connor eventually. Just not right now.
Chapter Seven
Connor
I’ve been dragging my feet all damn day. I made Marcus cancel our set last weekend because I couldn’t find it in myself to perform. My mind was too distracted to even begin to want to deal with the crowd, but I know I can’t bail on a second set of shows. I owe it to my guys. Shameful Regret is booked to play at Metro tonight and tomorrow night. Hopefully with today being Thursday, it won’t be that busy.
I really don’t want to be here. This is where I first saw her. As I walk out towards the stage to start setting up the amp, my eyes are drawn to the bar over on the side. Trey gives me a nod when he sees me, but I don’t return the gesture. If I close my eyes, I can almost see her standing there with Michelle. How the hell I noticed Michelle first is beyond me. The moment that Lynae turned around and I locked eyes with her, I knew I was done.
“Come on, man. I need help getting these wires hooked up,” Marcus calls from behind.
I turn to help him, needing the distraction. There are already a few girls congregating near the stage. Marcus smiles at them and winks, but I don’t want anything to do with them.
“Hey baby, need some help up there?” one blonde asks, leaning over the stage, trying to show off her tits.
I ignore them and walk backstage to grab more cords to hook up Marcus and Wade’s guitars. When I walk back out, Marcus is sitting on the end of the stage talking to Blondie and her friend. He looks over his shoulder then back to the girls. “Nah, leave him alone. He’s not looking for anything right now.”
“And I’m never gonna look either,” I grunt as I bend down to plug all this stupid shit up. “Marcus, come on, you’re the one that said you needed help, so get your ass up and help.”
Marcus hops up after telling the girls that he’ll meet them after the set. “I’m coming, I’m coming.”
We move along the stage setting up all the instruments, speakers, amps and microphones. Wade and Seth are still unloading Seth’s drum kit from the back of his truck. God, I really don’t want to be here. I want to drive straight over to Lynae’s apartment and force her to talk to me. I know Gabbi will be here tonight, but I really don’t want to see her. It's bad enough seeing her at home, but here it will make me relive the nights Lynae would watch us. Sitting off to the side at one of the tables because she didn’t like crowds. Her eyes only focused on me, even though tons of douchebags would be sniffing around her trying to get her attention.
“Hey, you want to just do the regular set or do you want to perform some of the new stuff you were working on?” Wade asks coming in.
I’ve been working on a few new songs. But that was before. I don’t think I can sing about loving someone and giving my heart to someone when my own heart is sitting in a pile of rubble. Obviously the look on my face is enough for Wade to figure out what an asinine question that was.
“Sorry, man. I’m not thinking.” Dropping the drums on the stage, he walks up and grasps my shoulder. “It’s only been a few days. She needs time.”
I shrug him off and walk off to the side of the stage. I don’t want to talk about this right now. If I do, I know I will leave. She’s had to have gotten my messages by now. She just isn’t answering them. Before I realize where I’m headed, I’m in the same hallway where I got an up close look at Lynae. She took my breath away. The startled look in her eyes, the softness of her skin, her timid demeanor. God, I miss her so fucking much. I can’t do this. I have to get out of here. This is too much.
I turn around to leave, and I run straight into Seth. “Connor, take a deep breath, man. I know you’re upset. I know you miss her,” he says. “I miss her too.”
Where the fuck does he get off telling me that he misses her? I don’t give a shit about him missing my sweetness. “Fuck off.”
“No. You need to get your shit together and get back up there. We are being paid to do a job, and we have to do it. Channel your pain into the music. Give her time,” Seth urges.
I’m so fucking sick and tired of everyone telling me to give her time. I can’t breathe without her. I can’t think. My heart isn’t beating without her. Fuck! I’m about to tell him to go to hell and do the fucking set without me when Rich walks up. Rich is the owner of Metro. He’s an older man, in his late sixties, but he's cool as shit. Rich was one of the first people to give Shameful Regret a place to play regularly and get our name out.
“Son, missed you last weekend. Wade told me you had some personal stuff going on. Everything ok?” Rich asks.
Rich tries to be like a father to all of us. He's always told us he has an open door policy, and if we ever need something we can come to him. “Not really,” I reply.
He doesn’t push, but doesn’t call me on it either. “I’m here if you need to talk.” He claps me on the back. “You gonna be okay to go on tonight? Mike said the line is already wrapped around the block. People are amped to see you guys.”
I can’t let him down. As much as I want to bail, I know I can’t. “Yeah, man. I’ll be fine.”
~
Shameful Regret opens with our usual mix of Hinder and Lifehouse covers and a few of our own songs. When I sing Kaitlin’s song, it seems to take on an entirely different meaning. How I’ve fucked up the two most important girls in my life kills me. “Regret” was about Kaitlin, but now it seems to be resonating with everything I’ve done to Lynae.
I wish you were still here
I can’t believe you’re really gone
My life feels like it is hanging on with every last tear
I won’t be with you until the end of forever
I’m so sorry I let you down
There is nothing that can make me forget
What I did will always be my shameful regret
The emptiness inside was once filled by your heart
I wish I could take all the pain away
You are the only one that ever got to see that part
That part that wishes you would stay
I’m so sorry I let you down
There is nothing that can make me forget
What I did will always be my shameful regret
I don’t deserve your forgiveness, ever
You were the only one who loved me
If you could come back
I’ll love you forever
I’m so sorry I let you down
There is nothing that can make me forget
What I did will always be my shameful regret
I’m so sorry I let you down
There is nothing that can make me forget
What I did will always be my shameful regret
Losing you will always be my shameful regret
As I finish “Regret,” I can’t open my eyes. If I do, I know I will lose everything that’s holding me together right now. I have to get out of here. We are supposed to sing two more songs before the end of the set, but I can’t take it. Without a word, I turn and leave the stage. I can’t wait any longer. I have to see her. Soon.
~
Walking down the hall towards the doors of the cardiac lab brings me back to the first time I came up to the hospital to see Lynae. It’s been three weeks since she kicked me out of her hospital room, and she’s still refusing to take my calls. They all go straight to voi
cemail, except the one time Michelle answered and threatened to cut my dick off and shove it down my throat.
Gabbi keeps telling me to just give her some time, but I can’t wait anymore. Only getting updates from Gabbi or Wade isn’t cutting it. I need to see her for myself. After singing at Metro last night, I know I have to take a chance and come see her. I have to fight for her.
Every time I hear Gabbi’s voice in the apartment makes me miss Lynae more and more, as if that were even possible. I remember coming upstairs to the loft after working in the garage to see her and Gabbi laughing and carrying on in the kitchen while she was cooking dinner for my dumb ass friends. Sometimes I wish that Wade would stay at Gabbi’s, instead of her coming over to our place; that way I wouldn’t have their happiness flaunted in my face while I’m miserable, but I can’t do anything about it. It’s my own damn fault. I’m honestly surprised Gabbi is still talking to me. I sometimes think it's only because of Wade that she tolerates me, but the small sympathetic looks and words of encouragement give me hope. Michelle has basically told me that if I so much as come near their apartment complex again, she will make good on her earlier promise to have my balls.
The door to the break room starts to open and I hear a sound that has my heart clenching and my breath catching in my throat. My sweetness’ laugh. “Joe, just get my damn cookies, and I’ll maybe think about coming over tonight to teach you how to make lasagna!” Her voice carries through the open door as Joe walks out.
“You’re coming over and you know it! Even if I have to drag your sweet little ass over there, baby cakes!” Joe calls back over his shoulder then turns around, stopping in his tracks when he sees me. “What do you want?”
I've met him a few times on my visits to see Lynae on her break a few times and when I’d pick her up after work. “I just need to see her.” I shove my hands in my pockets, taking a step closer. “How is she?”
Joe glares at me. “She’s getting there. Lynae’s a strong girl. She’s been a bit quieter this week, more than she was before you came along, but she’s getting there. I don’t know what exactly happened, she isn’t talking about it, but I know she’s hurting.”
