by Carnal, MJ
It breaks my heart even more to hear that she’s in pain. Of course she’s hurting. I’m a fucking asshole, and I pretty much crushed her heart after she trusted me with it. I look up and down the hall, worried that Michelle may be near, and interrupt my chance at seeing or speaking to Lynae. “Can I go in and see her? Is she alone?”
Joe gives me a knowing look. “Yeah, it was just us taking our lunch. Michelle is down in the OR helping Travis with a case. Your jewels are safe for now.” He turns to walk down the hall, but looks back over his shoulder. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. If she looks like she’s been crying when I get back, I can’t make any promises that they'll stay safe for long.”
I nod my head then push open the door. My heartbeat speeds up at my first glimpse of Lynae. Her back is to me as she is rinsing off a plate in the sink. “Joe, don’t tell me they were out of cookies. If there weren’t any in the cafeteria, just go to the doctor’s lounge...“ Her voice trails off as she visibly shakes. I see her spine become rigid. I haven’t said a word, yet she knows I’m here. The plate clatters in the sink and she grasps the ledge of the counter tightly. “Connor.” My name escapes her lips barely above a whisper.
Moving cautiously forward, I close some of the distance between us. The sight of her, her scent washing over me, has my hands itching to reach out and feel her in my arms again. “God, sweetness. I’ve missed you so much.” I keep stepping forward until I’m standing right behind her. I’m only a foot away, and I can hear her breaths coming in quick pants.
Lynae turns around, leaning against the counter, but keeps her head down. “What are you doing here, Connor?”
I hold my hand up to lift her chin, but she pulls away, turning her face to the side, refusing to look me in the eyes. “Please look at me.” I bend my knees, bringing us face to face. The pain I see reflected at me when our eyes collide rips at my chest. Tears are pooling in her eyes. “I love you, baby. Please talk to me. Say something. Anything.”
Lynae’s bottom lip trembles. “What do you want me to say?”
I know what I want her to say. I want her to say that she loves me and that we can go back to the way things were. “Say whatever you need to say to me. Just talk to me.” I reach out again to trace her bottom lip with my thumb and cup her cheek. This time she doesn’t pull away, she closes her eyes and lets me hold her face. “Please.”
“I can’t do this, Connor. I just can’t.” Her voice cracks.
“Can’t do what? Can’t love me? Please, you have to forgive me. I am so sorry for hurting you.”
Lynae grabs my wrist in her tiny fingers and pulls my hand away from her face. She tries to push me away, then places her palms flat against her stomach. This makes me think of our baby growing inside her. I fall to my knees, reach out and wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her to me, and bury my face against her belly.
“Connor!” she gasps.
“Please, Lynae. I’m begging you. I need you. Please tell me that you still love me.” I can feel tears pricking my own eyes. My throat feels like it may close up from the gut wrenching pain bulldozing through me.
Lynae’s hands find their way into my hair. She doesn’t push me away; she lightly runs her fingers through my unruly hair. This small sign of affection gives me hope. “It’s not that I don’t love you, Connor. It’s just—“
“Just what? Sweetness, I will never forgive myself for what happened. I can’t even begin to imagine how much you must hate me, but I’m asking you to please give me another chance,” I beg, staring into her eyes, so full of pain.
“I don’t hate you. I wish I could, but I can’t. I still love you, and that’s what makes this so hard.”
I feel tears land on my cheeks as they start to pour out of her. Lynae doesn’t hate me, but she wishes she could. She still loves me. She said she still loves me. I have to hold on to that. “It doesn’t have to be hard. I will make it up to you. I promise.”
Lynae tries to step out of my hold. I tighten my arms around her waist, preventing her from leaving. “Let me go, Connor. I told you I can’t do this.”
“No! You love me. You said you do. We can make this work.”
“I know what I said. Yes, I still love you. And it fucking hurts so bad! I can’t make the pain go away!” She’s grasping and clawing at her shirt like she can physically pull the ache out of her chest. She jerks away from me again, and this time I let her go. Lynae is gasping for breath as she runs past me and out of the break room, leaving me on my knees, desperate.
Chapter Eight
Lynae
Air. I need air. I still can’t breathe. I haven’t been able to breathe since before Connor walked into the break room. I ran right into Carmen as soon as I took off from Connor’s arms. One look at my tearstained face and she told me to go ahead and head home. She knew as well as I did that I wouldn't be any use to my coworkers or patients. Michelle texted me after she got out of the OR, asking if I needed her to come home, but I told her I was fine. I need to be alone right now. After driving home to change into my running gear, I find myself wandering around Waterfront Park after walking for an hour. I don’t know how long I’ve been wandering around after my walk, but the sun is starting to set.
Damn Connor for coming up there today! My first week back to work, when I actually felt like joining the land of the living again, and he has to wreck my world. Michelle and Gabbi have been trying to keep me occupied, and Sly had to go back to Alabama. He applied to a few firehouses in Charleston and is planning on moving out here permanently, but he couldn’t take any more vacation time.
Connor looked like he hadn’t slept in the three weeks since I last saw him. Lord knows he has been calling and texting me all hours of the day and night. I’m surprised he hasn’t tried coming to the apartment, but after the fight he and Sly had, I am guessing he knew he wouldn’t be making it very far past the parking lot. My heart ached at just the sight of him. My body instantly knew he was behind me before I even turned around. When he fell down to his knees in front of me, I almost lost my willpower. I love him so much, but it's tearing my heart apart.
The warm breeze is blowing through my hair, but I still can’t seem to take a full breath. I walk down to the end of the pier and lean over the railing, looking out at the water. There aren’t many people out and about this afternoon, and I’m glad for the solitude. How did my life get to this point? I don’t even feel like the same person I was a few months ago. So much has happened, and I don’t think I’ve really stopped to take stock of everything.
Just as I'm finally starting to really relax, I feel a set of arms wrap around me from behind. I jump about a foot in the air while screaming at the top of my lungs.
“Jesus, baby! It’s just me.”
“You scared the shit out of me, Seth!” I turn around in his arms and smack his chest.
“I’m sorry.” He chuckles. “You sure are jumpy. What are you doing out here by yourself?”
I push myself away from him and he releases me. I haven’t seen Seth since that afternoon at Connor’s apartment. “I needed air,” I respond. “What are you doing here?” I eye him up and down. He’s only in a pair of running shorts and sneakers with a t-shirt thrown over his shoulder.
Seth watches my eyes take in his appearance, a grin pulling at the corners of his mouth. “Like what you see, babe?” Seth laughs when I glare at him. “Seriously, though. I was out for a run and saw you over here.” His face softens as he extends his arm out to place his hand on my shoulder. “I wanted to check on you. Connor isn’t the only one that’s missed you.”
If I’m honest with myself, I miss the guys too. I've not only shut Connor out, I’ve shut them out too. Even though they usually were a huge pain in my ass, they really had become part of my family. Especially Seth and Wade. Wade has taken on the role of the annoying older brother, much like Sly, but Seth is different. Seth was becoming a close friend that was effortless to hang around with him, except when he was grabbing at me to get a ri
se out of Connor. The touchy-feely side of Seth was taking a bit to get used to. Sighing, I look back up to his bright blue eyes.
“I’m just peachy.”
“Liar.”
Seth tugs me against his chest, wrapping me in a big hug, and I let him. It feels good to be held. The tears start coming out again full force. I cry into his chest, and he just holds me. After a few minutes, he leads me over to one of the bench swings under an awning. I sit down beside him and lean my head on his shoulder as he keeps his arm wrapped around me. We sit there, rocking back and forth, looking out over the water in silence for about an hour before Seth speaks up again. “Okay, babe. Spill it. Tell me what’s going on in the pretty head of yours.”
I nod my head against Seth’s shoulder. “I saw him today,” I mumble. “He came up to the hospital today.”
Seth squeezes me a little tighter. “How did that go?”
“Not very well.”
“Did you run away again?”
“How did you know?” I turn my face up at him.
Seth is smiling down at me. “Lynae, I’ve kinda figured you out. You’ve been through a shitstorm, and when you get scared, you run.”
To think that Seth has picked up on my running away tendencies pulls at my heart a little. He isn’t the dense and cocky drummer I had pegged him as. My growling stomach breaks through the tension of our conversation. I didn’t really eat much for lunch and it’s been several hours since then. I also never got my cookies from Joe thanks to Connor’s visit. I giggle a little at the continued rumbling. ‘Sorry about that. Guess I need to let you go, and I need to find something to eat.” I’m not eating enough and I know it.
Standing up, Seth drags his shirt back on then holds his hand out for me. “Come on, I’m buying.”
“You don’t have to buy me dinner. I don’t want to ruin your evening.” I stand up a little too quickly. I feel lightheaded and stagger back slightly, grasping onto Seth’s shoulder.
Seth’s concerned eyes focus intently on me. “Lynae, when was the last time you ate something?”
I look down at my watch. I had a little bit of salad around eleven, and it’s already almost seven in the evening. “Um, a little bit before noon I guess.” I should have stopped and gotten something sooner. My doctor told me that I need to eat small snacks throughout the day despite my nausea to keep my strength up.
“Damn it, woman. You need to feed that baby.” Seth takes in my wide eyes at his knowledge of the pregnancy. “Yeah, I know. We all do. Let’s go.”
Seth and I end up at the same little café that Michelle and I frequent after our Saturday morning runs. Not only do they have an amazing breakfast, but they have great burgers too. And they serve those delicious cinnamon rolls all day! I know I should be uncomfortable hanging out with Seth, but I did consider him a friend before everything happened.
While sipping on my sweet tea and nibbling on a cornbread muffin, I regard Seth shifting uncomfortably in his seat across from me with a weird look on his face. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Seth sighs. “I really want to apologize for the way I treated you that day. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. I hate that I was so mean to you before you went upstairs.”
I reach my hand across the table and lay it on top of his. “You were being a loyal friend to Connor.”
“That doesn’t make it right that I judged you so quickly. I know you better than that, babe.” Seth looks down at our joined hands then squeezes. “When I heard the yelling I came running. Then I saw you fall. My God. You scared the shit out of us.”
A shudder runs through me as I remember that night. My stomach rolls and I protectively place my other hand over my belly. “About that, thank you for catching me. The girls told me that if you hadn’t been at the bottom, I could have...” I can’t even say the words. I could have died. I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I don’t want to cry again. You’d think that I wouldn’t have any tears left in me after everything. “Thank you,” I murmur.
Seth just nods then shakes his head, looking down at our connected hands.
The waitress clears her throat as she approaches the table with our food. “Here y’all go.” When she sets Seth’s plate down, she leans forward, practically shoving her chest in his face. I roll my eyes at her blatant attempt at flirting with him, but he ignores her. “If you need anything else, anything at all, I’ll be right over there.”
I pull my hand back to my side of the table and start pushing my fries around with my fork. I know I need to eat, but the knots in my stomach are making it difficult.
Seth points a fry at me. “If you don’t start putting that food in your mouth, I will take you over my knee and force feed you. Jellybean needs food.”
“Jellybean?”
“Yes. Jellybean. That’s what I’m calling the little bun in your oven. Isn’t that the candy you're always eating? I swear you eat more candy than anyone I’ve ever seen,” Seth says with the most serious face.
I burst out laughing. I toss my head back and really let go. All of the tension and nerves I had moments ago just disappear with the word “jellybean” coming out of his mouth. When I finally get my laughing under control, I notice quite a few of the patrons in the restaurant are staring at us. I wipe away the tears streaming down my face with my napkin. Trying to catch my breath, I look back up at Seth, who is sitting there with the cutest grin tugging at his lips.
“Gummy bears. I’m a gummy bear addict, but jellybeans are good too.”
“Same difference.” He smiles broadly, shrugging his shoulders before shoving the fry he was pointing at me in his mouth with an obscene amount of ketchup on it.
It really isn’t the same in my book, but I don’t care. I haven’t laughed like that in weeks. “Whatever.” I dig into my turkey burger and fries.
~
“Can we go to Mother Fluckers? Please?” I beg.
“Huh?” Seth looks at me like I have two heads. “Motherfuckers?”
“No, no, no! That’s not what I said.” I shake my head, laughing. “I said Mother Fluckers. It’s a coffee house and cheesecake bakery.”
Still gaping at me with the most confused expression on his face, Seth shrugs his shoulders. “Whatever you want, babe. If that is what Jellybean wants, then that is what Jellybean gets, but no coffee for you. I think I read somewhere that caffeine and shit ain’t good for the baby.”
“Yes. Jellybean wants.”
Mother Fluckers is a new café that just opened downtown. Dean, one of the guys who works in the OR, has been using us as guinea pigs for his cheesecake recipes for months, and he finally opened his own storefront. I’ve been meaning to get over there since forever, but things have been a little overwhelming the last few weeks. I feel terrible for not going over and supporting him sooner.
This past two weeks have been interesting. Seth and I have been meeting at Waterfront Park after I get out of work to hang out and talk. It feels really good to have someone other than Michelle or Gabbi to bounce ideas off of. I haven’t told Michelle that I’ve been hanging out with him, and I don’t know why. It may be because she seems to be watching me like a hawk since Sly went back to Alabama and she found out about Connor’s visit to the hospital my first day back at work. Somehow I feel she wouldn’t approve of me hanging out with Seth. I don’t even think she’s agreeable to Gabbi continuing to see Wade. I’m sort of glad I haven’t had to see him. I’m sure Wade would try to convince me to talk to Connor. He was the one to tell me to just give him time when he witnessed Connor’s outburst at me one night at the club.
Seth doesn’t push me on subjects I really don’t want to deal with right now. I have opened up to him and told him everything. And I do mean everything. I told him about who Matt really is, and what happened when Connor and I were in Alabama. He looked ready to commit murder. He also said he wanted to seriously hurt Connor for what he said to me that horrible night, but picked up on the fact that I didn’t want to talk about it. I reli
ve those moments every night when I try to go to sleep, I don’t want to think about it in my waking hours.
I have gotten flowers delivered to my apartment every day since Connor came to the hospital, and he still leaves numerous voicemails and texts.
Gabbi thinks I should talk to him, but Michelle would be happy if he fell off the face of the earth. Me, I’m not sure what I want. I just want to feel like I can breathe again. I still love Connor. I love him so much it physically hurts. I know I can’t avoid him forever. This is his child growing inside me, and I know, from his notes and messages, that he wants to be part our lives. Yes, I’ve read and kept every note, and listened to every message. Just the sound of his voice can bring me to my knees with pain, but then I remember the hurtful words he said to me while he was drunk. I just don’t know if I can allow myself or my baby to be subjected to that.
Seth wraps his arm around my shoulders as we walk towards the parking lot to the car. It’s quite a few blocks to Mother Fluckers and I’m not sure I’m up for that far of a walk this afternoon. Work was pretty busy and I seem to tire a bit faster now. If I’m already having this kind of fatigue early on with my pregnancy, I can only imagine what I’ll be like in few months.
Seth and I have fallen into a very easy friendship. He isn’t at all what I had originally thought of him. I had Seth pegged as the fun loving, flirty goofball, but he really is like a big teddy bear. I worry that our hanging out is straining on his and Connor’s relationship, but he doesn’t mention Connor, and hasn’t since the first afternoon we ran into each other in the park. I want to ask about him. I want to make sure he’s okay, but I’m afraid. I’m scared that the phone calls and text messages are going to stop.
I must have completely zoned out on the drive, because I don’t even remember pulling into the parking garage down the street from the bakery. Seth is snapping his fingers in front of my face.
