The Will

by Kristen Ashley

  “Thinkin’ Jake’s never too busy for you,” he replied.

  I was thinking this was very true and more, even in my distress, I was very much liking that thought.

  Mickey got me to the fire station, upstairs and on a beaten up leather couch in a room that had a full kitchen, a big table and was surprisingly clean as a pin.

  I’d managed to get control of my tears and he’d pulled a chair in front of me and was leaned in with his elbows to his knees, his hands holding mine, listening to me telling him who Eliza and Arnie were (he knew of them, but not them) when Jake got there.

  I looked up and watched him walk to me.

  So tall. His shoulders so very broad. His bearing so strong.

  His eyes locked to me.

  Mickey let my hands go and leaned back as I stood, my eyes glued to Jake.

  Then I was in his arms and I burst back into tears.

  “You…you were…were right,” I stammered into his chest, folding my arms around him and holding on tight.

  “Shh, baby, no I wasn’t.”

  “It-it’s…all too much.”

  “You can handle it,” he declared

  The instant he said them, his words drove through me in a profound way. Also in that instant, I knew he was right and he was wrong.

  When I got the call from the nursing company to tell me that Gran had died, I was on the beach in Malibu. Henry was shooting a model wearing a ten thousand dollar couture gown that was wet at the hem from standing near the surf.

  He would have wanted me to interrupt him when I got the news. In fact, when I told him later, he was cross with me that I didn’t interrupt him but he tried to hide it due to the circumstances.

  Now I knew just how much he would have wanted that.

  But I didn’t interrupt him.

  I moved quietly to the tent set up for hair and makeup, which was thankfully empty, and I spent my emotion alone.

  And I’d felt that.

  Precisely that.

  Alone.

  Acutely alone.

  With Gran gone, I felt utterly alone.

  And lost.

  And further, I felt afraid, thinking I’d never really have Henry and with Gran gone, I’d never really have anything again.

  Eliza Weaver was not Gran but she was a sweet woman who would make the world poorer for her loss.

  I knew it was not just Eliza I was grieving but also the loss that was still fresh that was Gran and the even fresher, albeit different loss of Henry.

  But in losing all that, I was no longer alone.

  Mickey had found me on the street and he’d taken care of me.

  And Jake was right there, tall, broad, strong, holding me close, his big body absorbing my tremors, the physical ones as well as the emotional.

  Something I’d never had from anyone, not even really Henry.

  No one but Gran.

  And now Jake.

  So he was wrong, I couldn’t handle it. On my own, I could not do that.

  But I was not on my own.

  I had him.

  So he was also right.

  I could handle it.

  And I loved that.

  But mostly, I knew in that distressing instant that normally would have been a sorrowful memory, that I loved him.

  So I would remember standing in Jake Spear’s arms in a fire station, crying for a dying friend, for the loss of my Gran, for the end of what was with Henry.

  I’d remember it for the rest the rest of my life.

  And I’d treasure it.

  * * * * *

  “Hey!” I heard called.

  I stopped pushing my cart through Wayfarer’s with some urgency and turned to look down the aisle.

  What I saw made my back go straight.

  It was Sunday morning and I was heading to Jake’s for food, football and family time. The Taylors were coming over. Conner didn’t have to work. And I’d talked Jake into letting me cook.

  I was in a hurry because I couldn’t wait to get there.

  But I had to pick up food first.

  On Friday, Jake had taken me to see Eliza.

  Since then, I had not bothered Arnie, but instead phoned Reverend Fletcher on Saturday to discover if the dire event had come to pass.

  “Not yet, Josephine, but I would expect sad news very soon,” he’d informed me gently.

  I left it at that but asked Reverend Fletcher to let me know if he heard any news.

  Thus far, nothing.

  Taking my mind off this, Alyssa (who I had called to give her this news after Jake dropped Ethan and me off at Lavender House for we had to go straight to the school from the hospice to pick him up) and I had a marvelous time at Jake’s club the night before.

  She talked Sofie into watching her kids and Junior came with her.

  With Jake (mostly, sometimes he had business to see to), we all sat at the bar, drank and talked.

  In doing this, I found that I very much liked Junior. He was surprisingly soft-spoken, though his language was just as coarse as his wife’s. Oddly, however, it was rather attractive coming from a large, frightening-looking man with a soft voice

  I liked him more watching him with his wife in a gentleman’s club and noting that not even once did his eyes stray to the dancers.

  He wasn’t being good in order not to get into trouble.

  He was all about Alyssa.

  And when I noticed that, I noticed that Jake did the exact same thing with me. Although he’d had occasion to see the dancers far more often than Junior, a beautiful near-naked woman was a beautiful near-naked woman.

  Jake was not interested in them.

  But he made it clear he was very interested in me.

  The night was rather late and unfortunately ended with some incident Jake had to see to so Junior and Alyssa took me home.

  Even losing Jake to work, the evening on the whole was highly enjoyable.

  However, I didn’t care how late the night was before. I’d get up whenever needed to get to the grocery store to buy the ingredients for my truffle risotto, what I intended to make for food, football and the Spear family.

  It wasn’t tacos and Ro-Tel dip but it was fabulous and the way the children and Jake tucked into my food, I knew they’d agree.

  What wasn’t welcome was the fact that Donna, Jake’s ex and Conner and Amber’s wayward mother, was hurrying my way.

  I drew in breath.

  She stopped on a sway and a tentative smile.

  “Uh…Josie, right?”

  “Yes,” I replied, deciding not to correct her that to her I was most assuredly Josephine. “How are you, Donna?” I asked although I really didn’t care. However, it was rude not to.

  “I’m all right,” she stated then changed her mind and said “Good. I’m good. And…um, you? Are you good?”

  “Yes, I’m excellent. Thank you for asking.”

  She moved her weight from foot to foot and looked to the shelves beyond me. Alas, what she did not do was bid me to have a good day and move away.

  “Is there something you need?” I asked and her eyes came to me. “I don’t wish to be rude but Jake and the children are expecting me,” I prompted.

  “I just…” she started, trailed off and began again. “I’m just wondering about Con and Amber. I heard some things about Con and I’m concerned.”

  “Have you phoned Conner?” I inquired.

  “Well, yes. He said everything’s cool,” she told me.

  I said nothing.

  She spoke again.

  “But, what I heard was that some girl told folks she was pregnant with his kid, she wasn’t, she’s getting massive shit from everyone for pulling that, but his girl still broke up with him.”

  This was true, as with some delight boy Taylor shared with me just days before that young Mia was getting “massive shit” from everyone.

  Conner was well-liked and had done as I expected, not kept matters to himself.

  As per boy Taylor, Mia was now a
pariah, not only in the boy department but also in the girl.

  Fair punishment, according to me.

  I told Donna none of this.

  Instead, I simply confirmed, “This did happen.”

  “I, well…thought he liked that girl who broke it off with him. Um…Ellie.”

  “He did.”

  She stared at me a moment before asking, “So is he really okay?”

  “No,” I answered.

  “Shit,” she whispered, becoming unfocused for several seconds before she again focused on me. “Is Amber good?”

  “Amber’s fine,” I told her.

  “She isn’t, well…this is strange, talking to you about this, but she isn’t picking up my calls.”

  I couldn’t have agreed more that this was strange and decided to tell her as much.

  “It is indeed strange you talking to me about this for I barely know you and we’re discussing something colossally important, that being your daughter,” I declared. “I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be making some attempt to communicate directly to her, even if she isn’t picking up her phone. I would assume you know where she attends school as well as lives so these are not mysteries you need to cipher before you make a connection with her.”

  Her mouth had dropped open making her look rather comically dull but I was far from done.

  “Further, if Amber isn’t answering your calls, you know her father and you can discuss the daughter you share directly with him. Why you would approach me in a gourmet food store aisle I cannot fathom and I’ll tell you now, it makes me uncomfortable.”

  I stopped talking and she had no reply for long moments before she stated, “Boy, you don’t beat around the bush.”

  “Not normally, no. But when it comes to Jake, Conner and Amber, I never will.”

  Something changed in her face and her voice was quite strange when she remarked, “It’s cool they have that from you.”

  “It would be cooler if they had something, anything from you,” I retorted.

  Her expression again changed. She flinched.

  But she said not a word.

  So I did.

  “Listen, I’ve explained to you that I’m quite busy but I’ll take this moment to say more. It appears you care that you’ve lost your connection with your children and I find that quite gratifying but only with the hope you’ll do something about it. However, you’ve been disconnected for so long, it has affected not only your two children but Jake’s youngest. Ethan loves his brother and sister very much, circumstances force that family to be quite dependent on each other and as Ethan is still quite young, he’s obviously more dependent on his father and siblings than the rest. If you were to suddenly make some overtures, for Ethan’s sake, you may wish to be thoughtful in how you do it.”

  I stopped talking and she remained silent so I went on.

  “Also, as I never really had one, I can only assume that a son and daughter would welcome their mother in their life. But as you’ve blundered quite horribly with your two children, although I urge you to rectify that and do it very soon, I would also urge you to speak with Jake about it so as you do it you don’t cause undo upheaval that will be difficult for him and those kids to handle.”

  “You want me talking to Jake?” she asked, sounding incredulous, and I felt my brows draw together.

  “You’re the mother of two of his children,” I answered.

  “But I’m also his ex. I mean, we were married and we have history,” she told me.

  “Indeed. Though your last word is quite crucial. History,” I replied.

  She again flinched.

  I studied her closely.

  Surely this woman wasn’t that oblivious. Years had passed.

  “Donna, as I’ve been blunt, I will continue to be so. If you hold a candle for Jake, I’d extinguish it. He’s quite forthcoming and what once was between you is very gone.”

  Another flinch.

  Good God.

  She was that oblivious.

  “Okay, this is weirding me out,” she declared. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have talked to you about this.”

  “Indeed, you shouldn’t have. But you did. And I’d encourage you to take on board what I said.” I hesitated to underline my final point. “All of it.”

  She held my eyes and replied, “I don’t mean to be funny. Truly I don’t. Mrs. Malone was really cool and folks who know you say you’re like her. But you should know, Jake and I are complicated and the kind of history we have is never really gone.”

  She was absolutely that oblivious.

  I couldn’t believe it, but as it was right there in front of me, I found it very sad.

  Therefore, I gentled my tone when I told her, “If you believe that, I’m very sorry. Jake and you are not complicated because there is no Jake and you. It appears you’ve been working under the misconception that that’s the case, but I advise you to cease doing so for your own sake.”

  “Again, not to be funny, but he’s come back to me before,” she pointed out.

  “He also left you, and since then married two other women and then met me,” I volleyed.

  She shook her head, clearly my words weren’t penetrating and this was proved when she started, “I don’t mean to be mean but you should—”

  “You aren’t being mean, Donna,” I interrupted her and went on firmly in an effort to end this enlightening but nevertheless wretched discussion. “But you are taking quite a bit of my time. Please, phone Jake. Discuss all this with him. I think it will be difficult for you but in the end beneficial and hopefully beneficial for Amber and Conner too.”

  “God,” she whispered, her eyes widening. “You totally don’t have any problems with me talking to Jake.”

  “Not a one,” I replied. “Now, again, not to be rude but I really must be getting on.”

  “I…” Another shake of her head. “Okay.”

  “Phone Jake,” I urged.

  “I…” She shook her head yet again but said, “I will.”

  “Good day to you, Donna.”

  “Um…good day to you too, Josie.”

  I wanted to roll my eyes at her calling me Josie again. It was true that I was getting that from practically everyone these days but from her I didn’t like it all that much.

  However, I found our conversation more than mildly exasperating and I wanted it to end so I didn’t say a word. Nodding my head to her once, I turned back to my cart and my attention back to my list.

  It was much later, indeed well after the children and the Taylors gave their exuberant stamp of approval not only to my truffle risotto but to the variety of bruschettas that I’d made as an appetizer, that I was alone with Jake in the kitchen making hot fudge sundaes.

  It was then I told him of my conversation with Donna.

  As he was stronger, he was scooping out the hard frozen ice cream. With curiosity, I was “nuking” the jars of hot fudge (three of them), a phenomenon I had not yet tasted but was very much looking forward to as Jake also had cans of whipped cream, nuts, sprinkles and cherries.

  Even from jars and cans, none of this could be bad.

  Involved in our activities, I didn’t feel the air until I head Jake’s sinister whisper of, “Come again?”

  I looked from the revolving jars of hot fudge in the microwave to Jake and saw he didn’t find my conversation with Donna simply odd and perhaps a little sad.

  No, that was not how he found it at all.

  “I—” I began, my mind flying through varying options of how to handle him when he dropped the scoop in the tub of ice cream and prowled to and out the door to the garage.

  I fretted over the ice cream sitting on the counter for a brief moment, thinking I should put it back in the freezer. However, as Jake was clearly angry and just as clearly intent to do something about it, I decided to leave it where it lay and followed him.

  The large garage was lit, Jake was standing beside his truck parked in it, his phone to his ear and when I arrived
, I saw I was too late to stop him when I heard him say, “You have got to be fucking shitting me.”

  Oh dear.

  I got close and Jake cut furious eyes to me (now, under the fluorescent lights in the garage, a rather attractive shade of silver I had not seen before and, alas, couldn’t fully enjoy considering the circumstances).

  “No,” he clipped into his phone. “First, you do not ever talk to Josie. We do what’s the impossible right now and sort this out eventually, you two gotta have a discussion for some reason, I might allow it. After this shit and the shit you’ve been pullin’ with Con and Amber, no. Josie is off-limits to you. I don’t care if you’re sittin’ next to each other gettin’ a pedicure at Alyssa’s, she doesn’t exist. You get that?”

  There was a pause and I bit my lip before he powered on.

  “And get it outta your head that we’re reconciling. That shit is never gonna happen, Donna. How the fuck you can think that, I have no fuckin’ clue. It’s been fuckin’ years since I shared a bed with you and, straight up, when I left it the last time, I haven’t even thought of goin’ back. Now, forced to think of it through this shit, woman, you cannot believe after you’ve taken so much twenty-somethin’ cock I’d ever go there. The thought turns my goddamned stomach. Get this and get it now, that shit is not gonna happen. Not ever. Now do you get that?”

  He was being quite brutal, therefore I wrapped my fingers around his bicep and whispered, “Jake—”

  He ignored me and kept speaking.

  “You have fucked up royal with your kids. You want me to help you sort that, you get your head outta your goddamned ass. Until you’ve proved to me you aren’t livin’ in a fuckin’ fantasy world, totally fuckin’ clueless to pretty much everything, you got no help from me. They’re not slippin’ through your fingers, Donna. They’re gone. Con tries to be cool with you because he’s a good kid. Amber, you’ve lost. You pull your shit together and find a way back in that works for her and for me, I’ll back that play. But not until you pull your shit together. You hear me?”

  He stopped speaking and I decided to say nothing and get closer. He didn’t move away but I knew he was concentrating on whatever she was saying because, even though he was still looking at me, his eyes had gone unfocused.

  Finally, he spoke again.