by Jay Quinn
“I hear what you’re saying,” Kai responded without any hint of resentment. “And I’m grateful, God knows. It’s more than I deserve. Matt, is this being fair to you? I mean, damn. A house on the water in Lighthouse Point is a pretty nice option for a guy like me, at this stage in my life. I don’t want you to think I’m taking advantage…”
“No way,” Matt interrupted. “This was my idea, remember? I think it’s a good idea for all of us. And in a way, it’s doing me a lot of good as well. What do you say, Kai? Does it sound like something you’d like to do?”
“Hell yes,” Kai said eagerly. “My only question is when do I get to move in? I mean I love you guys and everything, but the thought of having my own place is phenomenal.”
Matt looked at Maura and smiled before he extended his hand across the table for Kai to shake. “Sounds like we have a deal, then.”
Kai took his hand and grasped it firmly. “I really have to thank you, Matt. This is too much. I mean, I’ll take good care of the place for you.”
Matt returned his firm grip and then let go. Settling back into his seat, he looked at Kai and said, “I expect to see you by the fifth of every month with your rent. I’ll set up a savings account for you first thing on Monday morning. Why don’t you go ahead and give me December’s rent this weekend and I’ll use that to open the savings account. You’ve gotten paid for the work you’ve done at Bill Kellogg’s place, right?”
“Absolutely,” Kai said and started to stand. “I can give you cash right now.”
“Not right now, just sometime before Monday morning,” Matt said motioning him back into his seat. “As for moving in, why don’t we drive over there tomorrow morning after breakfast and I’ll show you the place. Then, as far as I’m concerned, you can move in right away.”
“Mom?” Kai asked evenly. “Would that be cool with you?”
“Are you that anxious to get out of here?” Maura asked happily. She hadn’t anticipated such an enthusiastic response from her son. Of course, she noted wryly, she was over-concerned about his possible negative response. It never occurred to her how anxiously he wanted to be on his own. “You’d move tomorrow?”
“Mom,” Kai said solicitously. “You know I’ll miss you, but damn… a place of my own? I’d leave right now, but Matt hasn’t had his cake yet.”
Matt chuckled and Maura sighed and shook her head. She picked up the cake knife she’d placed on the table and set about slicing the cake and dividing it between their plates. “I’m a little hurt,” she said teasingly. “I never thought you’d be in such a terrible hurry to leave.”
“Aww, Mom,” Kai said with feigned anguish. “You know it’s not like that.”
“I know. I’m just playing with you. You’d be an idiot not to take Matt up on his offer. And I think you and I both owe the man a big thanks for doing this,” Maura said only partly teasing this time.
“Enough,” Matt said as Maura handed him his cake. “You’re embarrassing me. Besides, as sudden as this is, we are family now.”
“Yes. We are family,” Kai said seriously. “And I do appreciate this, Matt. In more ways than you know. I really want Robin to move down here. Before you gave me this chance, I really didn’t have much to offer him. Now at least I can give him a really nice place to move into.”
For a moment, Matt paused and looked at the cake on his plate. Then he said, “I hadn’t thought of that, but you’re right, Kai. Good luck.”
Kai looked stricken. He quickly said, “Matt, I’m sorry. I thought I’d mentioned asking Robin to move down here. I hope you don’t think I’m taking advantage.”
“No, of course not,” Matt said quickly. “It just concerns me that you would have thought of bringing Robin down here before you did have a place of your own. Was he supposed to live here? With us?”
“Only for a week or so,” Kai said sincerely. “Even if that. I mean, if he agrees to move down, he’ll still have to give up his place up there and work out a notice and everything. I would have gotten us a place before he came down. I mean, I never would have asked Mom to put us both up. No. Of course not.”
Knowing Kai would have thought nothing about moving his boyfriend into her house; Maura looked at Matt and let her lips turn up in a warning small smile. “Well, then this is a timely proposition. I just hope Robin is as enthusiastic about the notion as you are.”
Matt caught her look and replied with the ghost of a nod. “I don’t suppose you’ve considered going back up north to be with him, have you?”
Kai looked around uncomfortably and tentatively played with his slice of cake. “I have thought about it,” he said finally. “But I don’t want to move back up to the beach. Except for Robin, there’s nothing there for me anymore. I mean, well… there’s Dad and everything, but I can never be happy there. I want to live here.”
Matt gave him a searching look and took another bite of his cake. He chewed thoughtfully for a moment before he swallowed and said, “You don’t sound very flexible on the point.”
“Christ,” Kai said mournfully. “How can I be when everything down here is falling into place for me?”
Maura looked at him and laid her hand on his wrist. “You’ve said you believe Robin would want to move down. If he loves you, he’ll see the sense of it. If he loved enough to let you leave, he probably loves you enough to follow you. I think he’s just waiting for the invitation,” she said soothingly.
“You know, Dr. Roth asked me what I would do if Robin didn’t see the future progressing the way I do. I told him I didn’t know. He told me I should consider that. I just know I can’t go back to the beach. I can’t think about what I’ll do if Robin doesn’t move down right now.”
“Kai…” Maura began.
“No, Mom. Don’t get all freaked out. I’m not going to get out the razor blades again,” Kai said coldly. “I’ll be alright, no matter what Robin decides. Of course, I won’t be happy if he won’t move down. But my head is lucked up enough without entertaining a lot of negative thoughts. No matter what, I’ll survive. I’m fucking awesome at just getting by.” With that, he put down his fork, gathered up his cigarettes and lighter and stood.
“Where are you going?” Maura demanded. “You haven’t touched your cake.”
Matt looked startled. He said, “Kai, I didn’t mean to upset you…”
“No. No. No, you haven’t upset me,” Kai said immediately. “I’m just full, that’s all. Mom, please just put some Saran Wrap over my cake. Maybe I’ll eat it before I go to bed. I forgot I have to call Robin now. Would you guys please excuse me?”
“Kai, sit down and finish your cake,” Matt said anxiously. “Let’s talk about this. I know my advice isn’t always great, but I’m a good listener. So’s your mom.”
“That’s right, baby,” Maura pleaded. “There’s no need to get all lit up. We’re just talking here. Robin won’t mind if you call a little late.”
Kai hesitated, sniffled, and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. He wavered for a moment, then sat back down. Heidi, confused and concerned at the sudden change of tone in the room, came to stand by Kai’s seat, panting heavily. Absently, Kai reached to stroke her head, then, taking her long face between his palms, he bent to kiss the top of her head. “Sorry, Heidi. Good girl gets upset by her crazy daddy.”
Heidi licked his face, then backed up two steps and promptly barked.
“Heidi wants a cookie?” Maura said and stood to make her way to the bowl on the counter. Heidi looked from her master to his mother and barked in confusion once more. She turned her head at the ringing tone the porcelain lid made coming off the bowl and sat down in expectation of her treat.
Maura praised her for sitting obediently and gave the dog her cookie before sitting down at the table once more. She watched as Kai nervously lit a cigarette before she said, “Kai, settle down. You’re getting yourself into panic mode for no real reason. Robin loves you.”
“Yeah? How do you know?” Kai asked miserably.<
br />
“Because he told me himself,” Maura said gently.
“When did you talk to Robin?” Kai asked dejectedly.
“Actually, he called me at the office yesterday morning,” Maura said calmly. “He didn’t want me to say anything to you. He was concerned that I might not be entirely comfortable with him coming for Thanksgiving. He wanted to give me a chance to reassure him it was okay.”
Kai snickered bitterly and said, “That sounds just like him. He wants everybody to be happy and feel good about everything all the time.”
“No, he’s just been well brought up,” Maura countered evenly.
“So, what did he have to say?” Kai said before taking a deep hit off his cigarette and compulsively flicking away the ash.
“Not that much, really. We didn’t talk long. But he did say specifically he wanted me to know that he was in love with you and he cared about you very much,” Maura repeated.
“Yeah? Well, I care about Heidi,” Kai said peevishly.
“Kai, the boy admitted he was in love with you, to me, your mother. I think that takes a fair amount of conviction, don’t you?” Maura asked reasonably.
“Man, that’s tough,” Matt interjected. “I think he has guts to just be so up front about it to your mother, who he hasn’t even met.”
Kai sat silently for a moment, and then nodded agreeably. Finally he said, “Why does loving somebody have to hurt like this?”
Matt glanced at Maura who gave him a significant look in return before she said, “Kai. Being in love brings some pretty intense emotions. What you’re feeling right now is what most people feel for the first time when they’re fourteen or so. You never went through this as a kid, but everybody has to go through it at least once. You need to buck up. What you’re feeling is perfectly natural. The apprehension, the anxiety, the loneliness and uncertainty, those are very adolescent responses to being in love.”
“So, I’m retarded is what you’re saying,” Kai replied sullenly.
“I don’t think that’s what your mother is saying at all, Kai,” Matt said calmly. “What she’s trying to tell you is to not to be so hard on yourself.”
Kai nodded and said, “Nobody beats me up better than I do. I’m sorry for being so fucked up.”
“You aren’t fucked up,” Matt said and laughed gently. “No more than anybody else in love. It kind of sucks, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Kai replied and grinned despite himself. “It kind of does suck.”
“Well, it won’t forever,” Maura said firmly. “Long-distance relationships are a bitch to begin with, and it’s not like you don’t have other things on your plate.”
“Like more work,” Kai said evenly.
“More work?” Matt asked curiously.
“For who?” Maura demanded.
Kai took another hit off his cigarette and looked at his mother. “I got a call this afternoon from this interior designer that I met with. Her name is Rachel Weiss. She does a lot of high-end work on the east side. She has a project in old Boca that’s all about redoing a formal dining room. She wants me go with her to take a look at it on Tuesday. She wants pilasters and boiseries and shit. It sounds pretty intense.”
“That’s fantastic, Kai,” Matt said heartily. “Challenging, creative, what more could you ask for? I’ve heard of Rachel Weiss. She did some work for a guy who used to work for me. His wife spent a fortune on their house after we finished building it. I remember the guy bitching about the hundred-dollar-a-yard fabrics.”
“Did it look nice when she finished?” Maura asked, eager to take the conversation in this new, positive direction.
“Yeah, really high-end. They had a big party to celebrate when it was all finished. My ex got some wild ideas about doing the same thing,” Matt said.
“I told her I’d be happy to go up there with her,” Kai told them eagerly. “It’s the kind of thing I’d like to get a reputation for doing really well. Now, with my own place, a garage and shit, I’ll have a place to do some work off-site if I need to. Staining and priming, shit like that.”
“Look, Kai. You were right, things down here are going well for you. You have every reason to believe everything’s going to work out for a change,” Matt said confidently.
“You see?” Maura seconded. “I bet you Robin spends Christmas moving to Lighthouse Point.”
Kai gave her a tight smile and picked up his fork. After a moment, he looked at Matt and said, “This cake is pretty fucking awesome.”
“Isn’t it? Maura, how about cutting me another piece? I feel like splurging a little,” Matt said happily.
Maura picked up his cake plate and held it while she sliced another piece of the chocolate treat. Expertly she maneuvered the slice onto the plate single-handedly and set it back down before him. She knew Kai was a bit volatile, but overall, his anxiety was more about the possibility of moving out than about Robin. With Kai, nothing was as it seemed. She knew life was throwing a lot of good things at him and that was as disconcerting as a run of bad luck could be in Kai’s case. But he could handle it, moving out and moving on. For the first time in weeks, she knew that for sure.
“Kai, I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to think about your answer,” Matt said carefully.
Kai swallowed a forkful of cake and said, “Okay. Shoot”
“I know we’ve really only known each other for a short amount of time,” Matt began thoughtfully. “I admit, I was a little wary of you and how you’d react to my relationship with your mother—”
“I was worried you’d think I was a total fuck up,” Kai admitted with a smile. “I mean, just showing up and moving in on you guys. So don’t feel bad about wondering how I’d act about you and Mom. I’ve had a chance to get to know you over the past few weeks and I can see how much you love her. I want you to know I have no problem with you, or you and Mom, or whatever.”
Matt smiled and nodded as he said, “I appreciate that, Kai. I really do. And I want you to know I don’t think you’re a fuck up at all. I’ve never had any experience with anyone with your set of circumstances, so I suppose I’ve been watching you a little. But you’ve shown me you really are trying to get your life together down here. That’s why I’m so willing to do what I can to help you.”
“And I appreciate that, Matt. I really do,” Kai said sincerely.
Matt once again nodded understandingly before he shifted in his seat uncomfortably and said, “I just want you to understand the spirit of my question then.”
Kai looked at his mother’s lover warily and said, “Okay. Go on.”
“I am a little concerned about your relationship with Robin. It’s not that I have any objections to it, I don’t. That’s not the issue.” Matt said plainly. “What’s making me nervous giving me agita is wondering how you’ll react if things go south with you two. I have to ask you, do you feel stable enough to take whatever his answer is? I mean, I’m a little concerned you might pack up and take off or something. And to be frank, your mother doesn’t need the stress, especially in her condition. Can you tell me you feel good enough to really make a commitment to moving ahead with your future down here, alone if necessary?”
Kai put down his fork and compulsively reached for his pack of cigarettes. In the silence following Matt’s concern, he took his time getting the cigarette lit and inhaling a long hit, then let it go. When he spoke, it was with a high degree of confidence. “Matt, I don’t have a crystal ball. But I can tell you I’m making every effort to stay level. I’m taking my meds. I’m actively pursuing work. Now, thanks to you, I’m going to move out and take some responsibility for living on my own. All I can say is, I understand how much Mom’s needs right now outweigh mine. I will promise you I’ll keep that in mind before I do anything that seems like it might be irrational.”
Maura watched this exchange between the two men in her life dispassionately. Each was demonstrating to her their individual strengths. She felt proud of both of them, but held her tongue.
She didn’t want to interject anything. This conversation was between the two of them.
Matt raised his hands and opened them in a gesture of acquiescence. “That’s as good a reply as I’d hoped for, Kai,” he said gently. “I’m not your father, so you really don’t have anything to prove to me. But as your friend, I hope you’ll talk to me if you feel like bouncing off the walls, or packing up and taking off. Could you consider me that kind of friend?”
“I’d like that, very much,” Kai said humbly. “I’m not the greatest person in the world for a friend. I’m moody and selfish. I’m difficult in a lot of ways. But what I’m not is a child anymore. And I really want to… I don’t know… ,” Kai said and hesitated, searching for the right words. “I want to be the kind of person you’d like to have as a friend.”
Matt looked at him and smiled. “You already are.”
Kai nodded and took another nervous hit off his cigarette before meeting Matt’s eyes and nodding once more. Finally, he said, “Cool. Thanks.”
Maura let the moment spool itself out before she said brightly, “You’re going to really like Matt’s house. It’s a little Spartan, but the furniture he has there is really nice. He chose the best pieces from some of his model homes, and you know how much effort builders put into the décor of those McMansions.”
“Oh it’s not that great,” Matt said dismissively. “Like I told you, Kai, it’s really just a place for me to sleep. I don’t even think there’s any art on the walls.”
“I can fix that,” Kai said confidently. “All I need is a trip to Pearl’s Art Supply store and a little time. I’ve been wanting to paint. God, it’s going to be so nice to have the space to do that again.”
“What would you do paintings of?” Matt asked curiously. “Your Mom’s showed me some of your old sketch books. I had no idea you could draw so well.”
