by Jay Quinn
As Kai answered, Maura cut herself another sliver of chocolate cake, telling herself it was for the baby. Remarkably after the tension that had passed over their heads like sudden rain clouds, the atmosphere in the kitchen was quite clear and relaxed. She licked the icing off her fingers and picked up her fork, thinking how so much of her stress was self-made. Kai was stronger than she thought. He always had been. For the moment, at least, she could, turn her attention to the tiny little boy growing inside her. “Have some cake, Junebug,” she thought. “I can’t wait for you to get here. There’re so many things I want to share with you.” Happily, she savored the taste of the dark, rich chocolate and smiled privately. It was the baby she wanted to focus on now. She was starting to feel like she could.
Chapter Eighteen
VERY EARLY ON Wednesday morning, Heidi woke him by jumping off the bed and trotting across the bedroom to the sliding glass doors that looked out over the patio to the water beyond. She whined sharply and waited for him to respond. Groggily he looked first at the digital clock in the trim little stereo that lived on the bedside table. It wasn’t yet six, but this close to the ocean, the sky outside had already begun to divide from the water. Heidi’s sleek gray fur was luminous in the meager light, making her a sketch in the room. She whined once more, and rather than risk the dog waking Robin, Kai threw off the sheet and stood quickly. Heidi responded by taking off for the kitchen at the other end of the house.
Naked, Kai followed her to the sliding glass doors in the kitchen and let her out into the dawn. Matt’s backyard was bordered by both a chain-link fence and a ficus hedge to camouflage it, so Kai had no fears of his dog wandering off if left alone to take care of her pressing need to relieve herself. Sleepily he turned on the bank of lights under the cabinets and started coffee. By the time it started to brew, Heidi presented herself back inside, ready for her breakfast. Kai picked up her stainless steel bowl and let himself into the garage by the door in the kitchen. He kept the large bag of dry dog food in the garage to prevent roaches from finding it in the kitchen. As he put her customary cupful of food into the bowl, he thought of how his orderly routine had asserted itself in Matt’s house. It felt good.
He returned to the kitchen with an expectant Heidi on his heels and let a little water spill over her food from the tap. He swirled it a few times to make a thin gravy before setting the bowl on the floor by the door. While Heidi munched away happily Kai found his cigarettes next to the coffeemaker and lit the first one of the day. Easy in his nakedness, he made his way around the counter to the small table by the sliding glass doors and sat comfortably in one of the cushioned wicker chairs.
For the moment, he appreciated being alone. Robin had been there for three days, and now, the day before Thanksgiving, they had grown used to each other again. It all seemed so easy and comfortable, almost from the time Robin had climbed into his truck after getting off the plane. At first, they had been a little wary of each other. Robin hadn’t said anything, but his own hurt had held him at a remove as Kai’s natural reserve had held him. It was only after they’d come straight to Matt’s house and Kai showed him around that the strangeness between them began to dissipate.
Robin was impressed by the house. True to his mother’s description, it was Spartan. But the pieces of furniture Matt had selected from his model homes were uniformly contemporary, comfortable and nice. That the soft, personable furniture had sat in impersonal rooms of bare white walls and shiny, pale terrazzo floors didn’t bother Matt. Kai pointedly told Robin how much nicer it would look with Robin’s collection of Oriental rugs on the floors, but other than that, he didn’t bring up anything more on the subject of Robin’s moving down. Kai had only given a few other hints in that direction over the days they’d spent together—days spent talking and making love in every room of the house. For those few days, it was as if they had met in some fabulous bungalow in a private resort.
They hadn’t left the house since Robin had arrived, except to take Heidi for walks around the neighborhood. While there were many things to do and see, especially on Robin’s first trip to Florida, neither of them wanted to move from the safe haven of Matt’s house. And there really was no reason for them to. Kai had stocked the house with groceries for the meals he knew Robin enjoyed. With Bill Kellogg’s tip of a hundred dollars and another hundred of his own, Kai had gone to a wine store and carefully selected bottles of effervescent prosecco and peppery shiraz, rich cabernets and sunny chardonnays. They had spent their days drinking wine and eating when the mood struck them between bouts of lovemaking that were in turn thoughtful and passionate.
This morning, Kai felt both sated and sensually alive. It was as if the weeks and months that had gone before were a desert, and he’d now brought Robin to an oasis of sensual calm. His anxiety and confusion before he left the Outer Banks had unfolded into a tight corridor of recovery and overcoming once he’d arrived back in Florida. Now, he felt like he was pleasantly moored between a harsh chill sea and a sunny sail over warmer waters. Robin’s visit had been so right, so timely, that Kai almost felt as he did when he took the painkillers he loved. However, the brown plastic bottle had moved unopened from the chest of drawers at this mother’s house to the one in Matt’s. Kai hadn’t treated himself since the day he’d come home from Dr. Roth’s office chasing the idea that Robin could refuse to join him in the world he was making for himself.
The coffeemaker let out a plaintive beep. Kai put out his cigarette and strolled around the counter once more to make himself a cup. Heidi, finished with her breakfast, walked to the counter that held the Blue Willow bowl from Maura’s kitchen containing her cookies. Kai opened the old lid and picked up a treat. She took it from his fingers gently and then proceeded to chew it while looking up at him gratefully. Kai spontaneously leaned over and kissed the top of his dog’s head. She seemed happy in her new home, adjusting quickly by finding the best places to catch a snooze in the sun at different times
Kai replaced the lid on the Blue Willow bowl and looked at it contentedly. Maura had offered it to him as a token of continuity from one home to another. Kai had accepted it gratefully. It was a happy tie to his past, one without the sting of memory that so many other things from his childhood brought him. He actually had so few possessions of his own that he treasured his mother’s gift. In reality this was his first home. Since he’d left his mother’s house at eighteen, he’d always lived in others’ houses. While Matt’s place wasn’t exactly his, he felt a connection to it as if it was.
His first day there, he’d rearranged the few pieces of furniture to suit himself. He really had everything he needed in terms of housewares and accessories. While it might have been Matt’s crash pad, Matt hadn’t spared himself any necessities or a man’s favorite toys. There was a Yamaha stereo system and a fifty-inch plasma screen television mounted to a wall in the living room, and a smaller version of the same television on the wall of the master bedroom. Kai appreciated the amenities, without a doubt, but he wanted to make his own mark on the house so he had gone to the art supply store as he’d told Matt he might.
In a fit of creativity he’d first painted a four foot by six foot painting of Heidi standing on the lot’s seawall framed by the bright reach of water and sky beyond. That painting done, he rifled through his sketch book and came up with the idea of painting a grid of nine, six-teen-inch square paintings, each a portrait of Robin in a different mood. He’d managed to find time to make simple frames from 1 x 4’s and cove molding for them all, which he then gilded with gold leaf, and had mounted on the walls by the time Robin arrived. The portrait of Heidi had pride of place on the wall in the dining area, while those of Robin dominated a wall in the living room.
When he first arrived at the house that day, Robin hadn’t noticed his portraits right away. He was too enthralled by the view of the water from the bank of sliding glass doors on the living room’s back wall. Robin had left Kai with his suitcase at the front door and walked immediately to the
opposite side of the room to stand and peer out. It was a nice view. There were a cluster of mature coconut palms on each corner of the lot book-ending the dock that lay directly opposite the doors. Kai had wordlessly walked on to the bedroom with Robin’s suitcase, letting the house do its own selling.
It wasn’t until late that afternoon that Kai had found Robin in front of the bank of his portraits in the living room. They had been sitting outside on the patio drinking wine when Robin had excused himself to go inside to visit the bathroom. When he hadn’t come back out in several minutes, Kai went in looking for him. Robin stood before the nine versions of himself with tears in his eyes. When Kai walked up behind him and laid his hand on his shoulder it startled Robin. He awkwardly wiped at his eyes as Kai explained his technique and new style of painting exhibited in the portraits, which were indeed looser and less photorealistic than most of his earlier work.
Again, Kai left the opportunity to sell the idea of Robin moving down. He simply explained the work from a technical viewpoint and let the obvious emotions of the pieces speak for themselves. Robin’s response had been muted, but Kai knew he was deeply moved.
Now, in the pre-dawn hours of Wenseday morning, as he made his coffee, Kai savored that moment again. Once his coffee was doctored the way he liked it, he returned to the table and lit another cigarette. There was another painting Robin hadn’t seen. Kai had worked on it last. In the bare bedroom on the opposite side of the house from the master bedroom, he had set up his studio. He’d splurged on a nice easel on casters and went to a restaurant salvage company to purchase a stainless steel commercial kitchen prep table large enough to hold all the various brushes, palettes, and tubes of paint he bought new and found stored at his mother’s house. Laboring alone there for a late couple of nights, he stared into the cheap dressing mirror he picked up at Kmart and transferred the image of himself, dressed in only a pair of baggy cargo shorts, onto a twenty-four by thirty-six inch canvas. Working quickly in acrylics, he did it in the same new style as the one he’d used for the portraits of Robin. He’d framed it along with the rest. It waited now, hidden in the closet in his bedroom studio to make its own case as a reason for Robin to move down. Regardless, the painting was Robin’s. Kai couldn’t have cared less for a self-portrait. But, if Robin did move down, it would look good in the living room near his own portraits. If he didn’t, Kai intended it as a continuing argument on his behalf in Robin’s house in Wrights Shores.
Kai sipped his coffee and smiled at the thought of showing the portrait to Robin. As he pondered the power of his work’s ability to move Robin eight hundred miles south, Heidi appeared in the kitchen with something in her mouth. She was a mischievous dog, never more so than in the early mornings when she was full of energy and good humor. Quietly, Kai called her, coaxing her closer so he could take away whatever she’d found to play keep away with. Eyeing him warily, Heidi walked toward him hesitantly. When she came to within arm’s reach, she quickly bounded away and placed the bit of cloth on the kitchen floor, daring him to come after it.
Kai smiled. The dog had come close enough for him to ascertain she had sneaked back into the master bedroom and retrieved Robin’s boxer shorts from the floor where they’d gotten tossed the night before. Kai decided to ignore her. He knew he could get up and bribe the underpants away from her with a cookie, but she’d only make another trip to the bedroom to find another errant item of clothing to repeat the process with. When Kai remained motionless, Heidi bent her head quickly and snatched the boxers from the floor where she’d dropped them in hopes of getting Kai to play her favorite game. Seeing he was unwilling to play, she held her head high and took off out of the kitchen at a trot, daring him to follow.
Kai smiled and looked out over the pink streaks of dawn painted on the water outside. Matt’s house was an enchanting place to live. He felt lucky knowing his residence here would last a year at least. But he knew his tenure here would leave him spoiled. It would take him many years to be able to afford to live in this neighborhood on his own. But for the next twelve months, he’d enjoy every minute of living like a millionaire.
He looked up to find Robin standing naked at the kitchen counter taking a cookie from the old Blue Willow bowl. “Come here, you sneaky hussy,” he said to Heidi, who’d slunk in after Robin. Warily, she made her way to stand in front of him, his underwear still clasped in her mouth. Robin extended the cookie with one hand and reached for his boxers with the other. Heidi eyed the treat and decided to make the trade. She dropped the boxers into Robin’s waiting hand and took the cookie from his other hand.
Robin bunched the underwear in his hands and looked up at Kai with exasperation. “They’re wet. Dog slobber,” he said in a scratchy, early morning voice still rough with sleep.
“Leave them off,” Kai suggested. “You look better with your clothes off anyway.”
Robin shrugged and turned his back to Kai to drape the boxers over the handle of the oven door to dry. Kai watched him find a coffee mug for himself and fill it from the pot. He strolled to the refrigerator and took out a carton of half-and-half before returning to his cup to pour. Kai enjoyed following his neat movements and sighed with the simple satisfaction of knowing the flesh standing in the kitchen was his. He knew he possessed it utterly and that gave him a profound sense of confidence.
Ignoring Kai’s frank stare, Robin came to the table and sat down opposite him. He raised his eyes to return Kai’s look as he sipped his coffee and smiled fetchingly. “Good morning,” he said evenly.
Kai jerked his chin toward the sliding glass doors at the end of the table and said, “Look at that sunrise. Isn’t it incredible?”
“Hmmm,” Robin murmured appreciatively. “I could get used to waking up like this.”
Kai nodded and put out his cigarette before lighting another one. He blew away the smoke and looked at Robin with a half smile on his face. When Robin returned his smile, he said, “You can get used to it, if you want to. There’s every reason for you to just stay here.”
Robin sipped his coffee thoughtfully and nodded. “I was wondering when you’d bring it up. You haven’t pressured me, but I know that’s what you want.”
Kai didn’t answer him. Instead he stood, seductively revealing the long bare length of his body across the table before he picked up his cup, stuck his cigarette between his lips and walked back to the kitchen to refill his mug.
Robin turned to watch him walk away but turned his attention back to his own mug of coffee before Kai could look his way again. Absently he took Kai’s pack of cigarettes and lit one for himself. He sat smoking in silence until Kai returned to the table and eased his lanky form back into his seat. Finally, Robin said, “You make it hard to go home. And face it Kai, home for me is up on the Banks.”
“It is now,” Kai said evenly. “But in the amount of time it would take to work a notice and roll up those rugs of yours, you could be down here with me. Look at this place. Look at me. We’re waiting for you and nobody else, Robin. What do I have to do to convince you?”
Robin sipped his coffee and mimicked Kai with a decisive flick of his cigarette. “What if I move down here and six months later you decide you want a girlfriend, Kai? It’s happened before. I don’t think I could take it again, especially if I’ve rearranged my whole life to be with you.”
Kai regarded him levelly, and said, “I know you don’t have any reason to trust me. I know I’ve fucked up in the past. But I’m not that guy anymore, Robin.”
“Really?” Robin asked warily.
“No. I’m not,” Kai said with certainty and reached across the table to take Robin’s forearm in his grasp. “I’ve been fighting… I’ve been going over this again and again in my mind ever since I left the Banks. Down here things are different. Down here we can make any kind of life we want for ourselves.”
Robin looked at Kai’s hand on his arm pointedly and Kai reluctantly let him go. He looked at Robin pleadingly and Robin responded, “You don’t know how
much I want to believe you. I know I’m crazy for even considering it. Goddamn it, Kai. You know what this means to me. I just don’t know if you mean it now, and I’m afraid you’ll take it all back just when I’m feeling safe again.”
“Robin, I love you.” Kai said in frustration. “Haven’t I shown you every way I know how these past few days? How about the weeks we’ve been apart? Every goddamned day, I’ve called you and told you how I feel. You think you don’t feel safe? What about me? I’ve been happier with you since Sunday afternoon when you got here than I have been ever since I met you. Nearly losing you showed me just how much I want and need you in my life. I don’t have any way to prove that to you other than to show you. I swear to God, give me this chance and I’ll prove it to you that I’m in this for the long haul this time.”
Robin looked away and took a long drag off his diminishing cigarette. He looked out the window and stared out at the water without saying anything for several long minutes—minutes Kai filled by smoking and staring out the window along with him.
Finally, Robin turned away from the view and stubbed out his cigarette. He met Kai’s eyes and said, “How long did you say you have this place for?”
Kai looked at him searchingly, then said, “Matt told me our deal was for a year. That’s how long he wanted me to commit. Then, he said he might be open to me staying on another year after that. It depends on how the market rebounds out of this slump. In any event, he asked me for a year’s commitment.”
Robin nodded and sighed. “I haven’t told you yet, but your timing is good for convincing me to make a change. My boss cut my draw against commissions starting December first. It actually won’t be enough to live off of and I’ll have to go into my savings to get through the winter.”
“That sucks,” Kai said sympathetically.
