Zombies, Vampires, and Philosophy
Page 31
fangs1274: What is this? Who are you?
rise.again.st: I’m IMing you
rise.again.st: This is paulie Dori! From memphis! Remember?
fangs1274: I was just typing on Dan Christenson’s computer and your message popped up. How do I know it is really you? How does this thing work?
rise.again.st: Hello?
fangs1274: Yes? This is Etienne.
rise.again.st: You don’t know it’s me, but you’re just gonna have to trust me. I saw the smiley icon beside your e-mail address in my contacts list. It said you were on-line
fangs1274: And so I am. I will make my own decisions about whom to trust. I see it is your e-mail address. But it seems as if anyone at all could be on the other side of the line.
rise.again.st: You can ask me a key question if you’d like.
fangs1274: What is a key question?
rise.again.st: A question like “what is your dog’s name?” or “what kind of blood do you prefer?” Something only I would know
fangs1274: Who turned me?
rise.again.st: Some guy in the Thomas aquinas society of vampires in old times. Old mr. Whatchamacallit. I’d look it up, but all my letters got lost in Europe.
fangs1274: I hope the letters have not fallen into the hands of my enemies. That is close enough I suppose. It is good to hear from you Paulie. Where are you?
rise.again.st: Sorry. I have a forgiving memory. I lost them in Umbria, looking in vain for someone chaste to drain. there was a whole conference of philosophers there. you would’ve loved it
fangs1274: Well, it was a long time ago that I told you my story.
rise.again.st: I’m in sun valley, Idaho. But on the move. Where are you??
fangs1274: I have quickly abandoned home, taken a barge up to Baton Rouge, and I am staying with Dan Christensen. One day I must learn to drive. You may know that Dan is working the LSU students now. They are predicting that this hurricane will destroy New Orleans.
rise.again.st: They’re a kinda seedier bunch than the Memphis kids. He’s probably enjoying the challenge.
fangs1274: I will swoop in afterwards, but just now I want to see how events will unfold.
rise.again.st: Are they? Who is they? Are we behind this one?
fangs1274: You know, the mortal weather service. I have been thinking of moving home to Paris. What is in “Sun” Valley for those such as we are?
rise.again.st: Oh, I think I saw that in the lobby of my lodge last night. Looks pretty bad.
fangs1274: Heavens.
rise.again.st: Why Paris?
fangs1274: Well, there is no place like home. I heard that in a movie once, long before your time. And America has become startling, strange, and frankly dangerous.
rise.again.st: Well, as you know, I go with the flow, and these days Vanilla and well-ordered is the new corrupt and dark
fangs1274: That is exactly what I mean. I think I need to go where night is night and day is day.
rise.again.st: So me and some pals decided now was as good a time as any to learn about white wine marinated cooking and ski lifts.
fangs1274: I do not wish to be followed around by young teens dressed in black whose fondest wish is to be turned by me. This is worse than in the Buffy days.
rise.again.st: And that’s still the case in Paris? Maybe in the suburbs.
fangs1274: I see. The ski lifts I can understand, but cooking is quite beyond the pale.
rise.again.st: I’d try Croatia. Or Egypt. One of those bad traffic and no rules cities.
fangs1274: I haven’t been to Paris in a hundred years, but I assure you that they are not so slavish to trend as these American kids. But perhaps you are right.
rise.again.st: We don’t eat it! I mean try it as an aesthetic. Duh.
fangs1274: Oh, well perhaps I have misunderstood. Why cook things you would not eat?
rise.again.st: I think you should give nouveau vampirism a spin! You’ve got an eternity to be bad and only so many years to be good when good is in. Why not?
fangs1274: I have heard that things have slowed down in Croatia. I may be too old to change Paulie. I think that we are safer where we are feared.
rise.again.st: It’s a part of the lifestyle—my nest likes following human trends. Keeps us busy, and sometimes we even make friends with the people we do business with.
rise.again.st: Actually, how much have you read of the meyer books? She’s a loon, but there Are a few things she got right.
fangs1274: I have heard of this, second hand. Should I read it?
fangs1274: I think Dan has a copy.
fangs1274: He says he does.
fangs1274: All the rage?
fangs1274: What is this? Are you still there?
rise.again.st: No no, we’re safer on the path of least resistance. Humans like us when there’s no reason to fear us except for the fact that we can, if we choose, kill them. Danger makes us sexy but not actually dangerous, like a well chosen leather jacket on a high school kid.
fangs1274: Satan help me.
fangs1274: Is this why those young boys are following me around, talking about a vampire I never heard of that all their girlfriends worship?
rise.again.st: Meyer makes vampires like the dull and warm half of a Jane Austen fantasy sequence, as reimagined by todays best online fanfiction authors. Essentially. You probably shouldn’t Read it. It would make you mad.
rise.again.st: There’s this guy Edward whose biggest personality flaw is his complete self sacrifice. He’s a vampire but he only eats animals. And he loves a mortal girl who is completely helpless.
fangs1274: Oh, please. That is just a copy of Louis in the Anne Rice novel. I just cannot bear this pace of change Paulie. I need a nice little Romanian town, with superstitious Catholic peasants to gnaw on.
rise.again.st: And he lives with his vampire family in a well-lit house in the woods in washington state
rise.again.st: But he is really wealthy and powerful and plays the piano and cooks well.
rise.again.st: They are able to live together because abstaining from human blood makes you more able to form close relationships with others.
fangs1274: Who wants close relationships? Have they learned nothing from their deaths?
rise.again.st: No no, because he’s not really that resigned to being evil. Wanting to suck human blood is more like a weakness or psychological problem... Like alcoholism or promiscuity. It’s our nature, but it is treatable with willpower and commitment
fangs1274: I am sorry Paulie, but that is simply twisted. I will not read such trash. The mortals will ignore this profanation.
rise.again.st: Well, in meyer we form relationships that are not only healthy, but our eternal destinies
rise.again.st: No. No, it’s actually exploding. Girls love it. The self sacrificing ultimate evil. You know it’s great.
fangs1274: It makes me want to sunbathe.
rise.again.st: I mean, most of it is allegory for human love affairs, though not very realistic allegory. But some of it is true about us.
rise.again.st: Well, in meyer, we’re not even destroyed by sun!
fangs1274: Did Stephenie Meyer study at Berkeley? With Foucault?
rise.again.st: Get this. We sparkle in the sunlight!
rise.again.st: Either berkeley or brigham young. One of those b universities
fangs1274: This reeks of Foucault. Have you heard anything more about him?
rise.again.st: Yeah, to her, sin is only a matter of words. But all the better for us! Don’t you think? I mean, it was humans calling us sinners in the first place. Now we’re more like superheros.
rise.again.st: No, not anything leading at least. You?
fangs1274: I have made so many adjustments in the last 800 years, Paulie, but this I simply cannot abide. If we allow ourselves to be admired by humans, we lose our power over them as soon as the “gleam” wears off. Fear is more powerful than admiration.
rise.again.st: Only to those who know no f
aith. Or whatever.
fangs1274: If this new author is a Mormon, then she has done to us what the Mormons did to Christianity. One extra twist in the chain of reasons and all the problems are reversed. The Mormons call Christians “gentiles.” It is hilarious.
fangs1274: I think I know what I have to do.
rise.again.st: What do you mean?
rise.again.st: What do you have to do?
fangs1274: When this storm passes, I will go down, feed until I can hold no more, and then I am going to Paris to find out whether Foucault is really dead. I just know this is his doing. I have no intention to slight you, but I am convinced he is popularizing us.
rise.again.st: You mean she moved vampirism to a boring state and made it get married young and go on bicycle missions to other places?
rise.again.st: I don’t know much about mormons.
fangs1274: Oh nevermind about the Mormons. They taste like unleavened bread.
rise.again.st: Nahhh, I was young. He probably did get away. But, listen, etienne.
fangs1274: Yes?
rise.again.st: The spirit of the times isn’t revolution
rise.again.st: So don’t get any fancy ideas
rise.again.st: The spirit of the times is irony
rise.again.st: Your best defense is to pretend you’re into the new wave but never quite go all the way
rise.again.st: Like, are you serious or not? That’s what people do these days.
fangs1274: I am listening, but I don’t think I can do it Paulie. I think this has to be stopped.
fangs1274: I am just the vampire to do it.
fangs1274: I will put things back in their right places.
rise.again.st: Everyone gets all crazy when they can’t feel comfortable anymore and starts talking about changing the system. You just gotta ride the good times while you can, is my idea. But, oh well. Why are you the chosen one?
rise.again.st: And how do you propose to do this? Meyer is getting translated and audiobooked. She’s on a roll, pass the butter, you know.
fangs1274: Because I am the one who knows what we really are, the unloved of God that forms the limits of the light. We are the reverse of Christ, the order of erotic desire that draws into itself the life force, and that survives on the power of desire alone. We are beyond good and evil Paulie. We are the abyss, the Abgrund, les neantes! The pure for-itself, pour soi en soi, reinen Fürsichsein an sich!
fangs1274: I think it is Foucault. Two years ago I drained Jacques Derrida and he disappeared from view right away, but Foucault simply will not die. He still makes me dizzy, and someone is still sending me those vague threats, nietzsche26 is taunting me. To be truthful, that cad has dared me to come to Paris and find him, and he did so en français.
rise.again.st: So I guess soulmates and dream houses are out? Impossible and pointless?
fangs1274: I do not see how the soulless can have soulmates. Please do not fall under Foucault’s awful spell. We are pure desire, Paulie, desire so powerful as to found and sustain its own existence, without God. Do me a favor. Do not mention my plan to anyone, not even Dan.
rise.again.st: But bear rug and fireplaces and anything on the rocks is in. Got it. Desire.
fangs1274: Right. I am hungry and Dan has just ushered a co-ed into the house. I will be in touch, if I can ever learn these new fangled machines (do you like my pun?).
rise.again.st: Yeah, Dan and I aren’t bosom buddies or anything.
rise.again.st: I’ll keep it quiet.
rise.again.st: So, should I head down to Nawleans for the feed?
rise.again.st: I haven’t had enough fun since the democratic national convention a year back.
rise.again.st: Maybe I’ll see you there.
fangs1274: It is hard to tell what will happen, but there is sure to be a lot of delightful chaos, plenty of government officials roaming around the lower wards.
fangs1274: Yes, if I see you, I’ll be sure to show you some of the sights.
rise.again.st: The officials are tops in Nawleans and Chicago.
rise.again.st: Soon, mr. Lavec! See you soon!
fangs1274: They are!
fangs1274: Good bye
rise.again.st: Byee
É: Hello! Paulie, I hAvve news for you@! 1.11.2009 3.41
P: Who is this? 31.10.2009 19.42
É: Étienne Lavec, from Pariss 1.11.2009 3.42
P: O! w/u? 31.10.2009 19.43
É: What? 1.11.2009 3.43
P: Whats going on? 31.10.2009 19.43
É: Apologies. Not my phone. Cell reception is bad. In the catacombs @&@ 1.11.2009 3.45
P: Paris? 31.10.2009 19.46
É: Yes. 1.11.2009 3.46
P: Who r u w/ ? 31.10.2009 19.48
É: friend named Blanchot. His i-phone. News is that 1.11.2009 3.50
É: We found Foucault after long time looking 1.11.2009 3.51
P: o cool. So he is vamp after all? 31.10.2009 19.53
É: yes he has been a pain to catch. Blanchot tracks well tho 1.11.2009 3.55
É: we meet Foucault in catacombs where are you paulie? 1.11.2009 3.56
P: omg. I am pretending to b a student at u wash n wash state. 31.10.2009 19.57
É: what is omg 1.11.2009 3.57
P: nevermind 31.10.2009 19.58
É: ah! He arrives 1.11.2009 4.01
P: ask him if I made him a vamp. I am curious 31.10.2009 20.02
É: no! 1.11.2009 4.05
P: etienne? Hello? Why not 31.10.2009 20.05
É: no I meant it appears 1.11.2009 4.07
P: hello?? 31.10.2009 20.10
P: you there? 31.10.2009 20.12
É: blanchot has led me into a trap paulie 1.11.2009 4.15
É: I ran to hide he has my whole life in this phone @@ everything I ever wrote, pictures and pictures 1.11.2009 4.17
P: WTF? 31.10.2009 20.19
É: foucault says he wants to play 1.11.2009 4.21
É: play we will 1.11.2009 4.22
P: play? 31.10.2009 20.22
P: etienne? 31.10.2009 20.26
P: r u there? I will get help 31.10.2009 20.29
P: omg 31.10.2009 20.35
Philosophers by Day . . .
ROBERT ARP is Assistant Professor of Philosophy at the University at Buffalo, where it’s too damn cold for any of the Undead to haunt!
RANDALL E. AUXIER teaches philosophy at Southern Illinois University in Carbondale, only night classes, but his colleagues and students don’t complain. His favorite activities are star-gazing, wandering dark streets, and chewing the fat with total strangers. During daylight hours he prefers the basement of his Victorian house, where he can write chapters for the Popular Culture and Philosophy series, on topics like the Grateful Dead, Bruce Springsteen, The Golden Compass, and The Wizard of Oz.