by Carol Lynne
Suni looked from Enapay to his two lovers. “Sure.” He stood and gave both men a quick kiss before leading Enapay back out onto the porch. “Have a seat.”
Enapay opted for the chair instead of the swing. His life felt rocky enough as it was without adding external forces to his precarious mood.
“What’s up?” Suni asked, setting his muscled frame onto the swing.
Enapay wasn’t sure where to start. He began informing Suni of his prayers to Father Sky.
“Wait. Stop right there. You’re going to risk losing your eagle for Takoda?” Suni questioned.
Enapay nodded. “I don’t have much choice.”
“Bullshit. Life is full of choices. I can’t believe Gray would even consider letting you do something so reckless.”
Enapay suddenly felt the need to defend Gray. “He trusts me. I had to convince him that I could live without my eagle if necessary.”
“And can you?”
Enapay started to immediately answer yes, but stopped himself. “I know I can’t live without knowing Takoda’s happy.”
Suni sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. “Love doesn’t always have to be about sacrificing who you are.”
“I know that, but the things I really want in life I can have living as a man. It’s not the same for Takoda.” The part that sucked was, after his discussion with Takoda earlier, he knew he couldn’t have what he wanted regardless of what form he chose to live in.
“And what’s that?” Suni asked, bracing his forearms on his knees.
Enapay stared into Suni’s blue eyes. His friend was so different from when they’d first met. Enapay knew Suni’s lovers had everything to do with the changes. “I want what you have. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
Suni nodded. “And you think this is the way to get it? By sacrificing your eagle for Takoda?”
Enapay looked away and shook his head. “Takoda told me earlier that we’ll never be able to be together. I finally got him to admit he has feelings for me, but he also admitted he has no desire to live as a man. I guess I’d always hoped I’d be enough for him. I never wanted him to give up his crow, but I thought maybe being in my arms would be enough for the majority of the day.”
“And it’s not.” Suni confirmed.
Enapay shook his head again.
“And you’re not still going through with this harebrained plan of yours?”
Enapay’s head snapped up to regard his friend. “Of course I am. Takoda may not love me enough to live with me, but I love him enough to save the part of him that makes him happy.”
“So where does that leave you?” Suni questioned further.
“I don’t know,” Enapay said with a sigh. The episode with Gray in the kitchen came to mind. “Do you think it’s possible to be attracted to someone other than the person you love?”
Suni laughed. “Sure it is. Why? You attracted to someone?”
Enapay felt a blush creep up his neck and face. “Yeah. I wouldn’t do anything about it, but it’s there.”
“Why wouldn’t you do anything about it? You pretty much just told me there’s no hope of you being with Takoda. So why not grab what happiness you can find?”
It wouldn’t be right and he knew it. “I haven’t been with anyone since I met Takoda.”
“It’s not cheating unless you and Takoda are in a monogamous relationship.”
“I think for me, it would feel like cheating regardless of the situation.”
Suni sighed and shook his head. Enapay could tell his friend was holding back his true thoughts.
“You loved Jarek right away didn’t you?” Enapay finally asked.
Suni nodded. “The moment I laid eyes on him to be honest. I fought it for about five minutes, but it was there.”
“What about Mica?”
“That took longer. But just because I didn’t love him right away, doesn’t mean I love him any less.”
“But you had sex with him before you loved him, right? How did Jarek feel about that?” Enapay questioned.
Suni chuckled. “It was Jarek’s idea.” Suni held up his hand. “You really can’t base your decision on my relationship with Jarek and Mica. You have to do what works for you and the other people involved.”
There it was again. The look from Suni told Enapay something was on his friend’s mind, and he had a strong feeling he knew what it was. “You don’t like Takoda, do you?”
Suni shook his head. “Didn’t say that.”
“But you’re thinking it.”
Suni started to shake his head but stopped. “I just think he’s an idiot. Don’t forget I lived for years as a cougar. But my life now is so much better than what I had then. Life should be about loving and laughing, not struggling every day to survive only to end up alone in a cave at the end of the day.”
Enapay shrugged. He felt the same way, but he knew Takoda was different. He always had been. “Maybe someday Takoda will realize that.”
“And what? Until then you’re going to live alone, waiting for him to figure out there’s more to life than flying through it?” Suni shook his head. “Don’t wait on him. You’ve done that for far too many years already.”
“I’ll think about it. Maybe the next time Gray tries to kiss me, I’ll let him.”
“He’ll try again. Trust me.” Suni crossed his arms over his chest and grinned.
* * * *
Gray took the quilt off his own bed and began to carry it to Takoda’s room. The way Enapay shot out of the house still had Gray worried. He hoped it wasn’t the near-kiss that had caused the hurt in the other man’s eyes.
Gray knocked lightly on the door before pushing it open. He glanced at the bed and found Takoda to be awake. Gray held up the blanket. “This is the only one I have left, but I can always call and borrow some if you need me to.”
Takoda turned to look at Gray. “One should be okay,” he mumbled.
Gray could see the moisture in the sick man’s eyes. “Are you okay?”
Takoda shook his head. “I hurt him.”
Gray didn’t need to ask who Takoda was talking about. “He loves you.”
Takoda nodded. “And part of me loves him.”
“Really?” Gray didn’t want to admit the proclamation caused his stomach to roll. After the incident in the kitchen, Gray had started dreaming of a future that included Enapay. If Takoda loved his fellow shifter, Gray knew there was no hope for him.
“Of course. How could you be around him and not?” Takoda rolled back to his side. “Doesn’t matter though. I already told him it would never be possible for us to be together.”
“Why?” Gray morbidly had to ask.
“Because even though my man loves him, my crow thinks only of being free. I’m not meant to live in your world. He needed to know that. I knew it would hurt him, which is why I put it off until I thought the time was right.”
“And it’s right now?” Gray realized he was still holding the quilt and lifted it to spread over the pile of blankets already covering Takoda.
“There are people here who want the same things he does. He can be happy here if he isn’t bound to his feelings for me.”
Gray felt a lump forming in his throat. He walked toward the window and stared out at the darkness beyond. If he hadn’t been so attracted to Enapay, he might argue with Takoda to try and make things work with Enapay. Gray knew it was incredibly selfish of him, but he hoped Enapay did break away from Takoda enough to give him a chance.
“You like him,” Takoda said from under the covers.
“Yes,” Gray confirmed without turning around. “But he loves you beyond what I thought possible.”
When Takoda didn’t reply, Gray eventually turned to face the man. Takoda had pulled the covers over his head. Gray assumed it was Takoda’s way of shutting him out.
Gray headed for the door, giving Takoda the space he obviously needed. Before he could leave the room, he heard Takoda’s soft voice. “If he comes to you, promise me
you’ll take care of him?”
Gray closed his eyes and nodded. “It would be a gift beyond what I deserve. Of course I would take care of him.”
Without another word, Gray retreated to his bedroom. He undressed and slid between the sheets. How was it possible for his attraction to Takoda to deepen within a span of ten minutes? Gray knew he could no longer think of the smaller man as the bad guy in all that was happening. Like Enapay, Takoda was willing to sacrifice his own feelings to make sure Enapay ended up happy.
Maybe the two of them did belong together after all.
Chapter Three
After a fitful night’s sleep, Enapay folded his bedding and put it back into the hall closet. Every dream he’d had included either Takoda or Gray. Enapay woke feeling like he was being torn in two. How could he possibly want both men?
A noise off to his left got his attention. He turned to find a disheveled Gray leaning against the doorjamb. With the sheet wrinkles still evident on the side of Gray’s gorgeous face and his hair standing straight up in odd tufts, Enapay couldn’t help but smile. “You’re up early.”
“Couldn’t sleep.” Gray propelled himself from the doorway toward the kitchen. “Coffee?”
“Sure,” Enapay answered. He couldn’t take his eyes off the tight set of butt cheeks wrapped in faded blue sweat pants. He’d never worn a pair, but they did look comfortable. Enapay took a seat at the kitchen table and watched Gray as he worked at getting the coffee on.
“What’re your plans today?” Gray asked without turning around.
“I have a meeting with Jack and Suni. Since the housing is nearly finished, we’re going to come up with something else for me to do. I’ve never been the kind of person or bird that could sit around and do nothing.”
Enapay swallowed as Gray’s hand wandered down to dip below the waistband of his sweats and scratch at his balls. He knew it was something all men did, but seeing Gray do it was incredibly erotic. He’d tried his best not to wonder what Gray had between his legs, but with a simple unconscious move like that, Enapay couldn’t help himself.
He reached under the table and readjusted his growing cock, picturing himself buried deep in Gray’s ass. I want him. He pushed the thought away. “How long will you be staying at Refuge?”
Gray, who’d been reaching to the top shelf for coffee mugs, spun around, almost losing his balance. Enapay jumped up and steadied the man before he fell.
Gray righted himself and chuckled. “I’m a klutz. Always have been.”
Enapay didn’t bother taking his hands off Gray’s hips. It felt perfectly natural to hold the man in this position. “So…you didn’t answer my question.”
Gray’s face flushed. “I don’t know. Ryker’s offered to build me a lab here instead of down in San Diego where I’ve been working, but I’ve not decided.”
Enapay slid one hand to Gray’s back, resting it at the top of the man’s fine ass. “What’s to decide? Don’t you like it here?”
Gray nodded. “I like it, but…”
Enapay waited for Gray to finish his sentence, but instead Gray pulled away and turned to pour two cups of coffee. Enapay stepped forward and pressed the front of his body against Gray’s back, effectively trapping the slightly smaller man against the counter. “But?”
“But I need to see how things go.”
A horn honked and Enapay groaned. “That’s probably Suni.”
“So early?” Gray asked, pressing back the slightest bit against Enapay’s aroused body.
“Yeah. We’re shifters. We’re used to getting up with the sun.” Before pulling away, Enapay couldn’t help himself. He leaned down and kissed Gray’s neck where it met his shoulder. “Do you mind if I take a cup with me?”
Gray shook his head. “Hang on. I’ve got a travel mug up here somewhere.”
Enapay held onto Gray’s slim waist as the man once again reached to the top shelf. The soft feel of Gray’s bare skin made Enapay rock-hard. He longed to bend Gray further over the counter and fuck him until they both were sated.
The horn sounded again, drawing Enapay back. “I guess I’d better get going.”
Gray filled the cup with coffee and screwed a lid onto it. “Will you be home for supper?”
Enapay nodded. There was something so comforting in the simple question. What would it be like to have someone waiting for him at the end of the day? In his heart, Enapay knew he’d never have that kind of relationship with Takoda. It simply wasn’t who the crow shifter was.
“Yes. I’ll be here,” he finally answered.
Gray nodded and smiled. “Have a good day.”
“Thanks for the coffee.” Enapay took one last look at Gray before walking out of the room. He may not be able to get over the love he felt for Takoda, but Suni had been right, he was tired of waiting for happiness.
* * * *
Gray slammed the oven door. He was still pissed with himself for not telling Enapay what Takoda had told him the previous evening. The man should know that Enapay did want him, but knew he couldn’t make him happy. Gray threaded his fingers through his blond hair and gave it a sharp tug. “Dammit!”
“Something wrong?” Takoda asked as he shuffled into the room wrapped in one of the thicker quilts.
Gray let his hands fall to his sides. He looked at Takoda for several moments. The smaller man had been completely honest with him the previous night. It was only fair Gray show him the same respect. “Being around that man is driving me crazy.”
“Enapay?”
Gray nodded. “I want him so much, but he doesn’t love me.”
Takoda took a seat at the kitchen table, laying his head on his arms. “He will.”
Gray sat beside Takoda, noticing the smaller man looked pale. “Are you feeling okay?”
“My body feels better today,” Takoda informed Gray.
If Takoda really did feel better, why was he looking worse than he had the previous day? Gray wondered if it had something to do with not shifting. Maybe Takoda truly was meant to live in his crow form. Gray gave himself a mental kick. There was a large part of him that wanted to heal Takoda so the crow could fly away and leave Enapay to him.
“Will you tell me what’s really wrong with me?” Takoda asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Gray winced. Once again, it was time to be honest with the smaller man. He took a deep breath and reached out to put his hand on Takoda’s back. “We don’t know.”
“Is it because of the gas?”
“Maybe. We can’t figure out why you can’t shift. It could very well be because of the gas, but without shifting, there’s no way to tell.”
Tears pooled in Takoda’s eyes. “What’re you trying to tell me?”
Gray swallowed. He’d promised Enapay he would hold the secret of Takoda’s crow’s dilemma, but Enapay should have told Takoda the truth about what was wrong. “We don’t know if you’ll ever be able to shift again.”
“That’s why Enapay told me I shouldn’t try to shift,” Takoda mumbled, obviously working out what Gray had just told him.
“Yes,” Gray answered simply. He knew there was no sugarcoating the fact.
Takoda scooted his chair back and stood. Gray had never seen a man appear so lost. It was if Takoda’s spirit had been sucked from his body. Despite the distance he’d tried to keep, Gray couldn’t help but want to soothe the hurting man.
When the first tear escaped and ran down Takoda’s cheek, Gray couldn’t hold back any longer. He reached out and pulled Takoda into his lap.
“Shhh,” he tried to soothe. He rubbed circles against Takoda’s back. “It could all change. It’s possible once you regain your strength, everything will come back to you.”
Gray heard the screen door open and close. “We’re in the kitchen.”
Enapay stepped into the brightly lit room and stopped in his tracks. “What happened?”
Gray glanced down at Takoda before looking up at Enapay. He knew the man standing beside him might very
well hate him for what he’d done. “He knows about his crow.”
“You told him?” Enapay asked.
Gray nodded. With Takoda staring down at the table, Gray met Enapay’s stare, knowing he deserved whatever he got.
Enapay bent down and pulled Takoda out of Gray’s arms. Takoda’s cheek went from resting against Gray’s chest to the much broader bare chest of Enapay.
“Why would you do this?” Enapay asked Gray with hurt in his eyes.
Takoda lifted his head and gazed up at Enapay. “I asked him. Don’t blame him for being honest with me.”
Enapay gave Gray one last glance before carrying Takoda out of the room.
Gray was left with a very strong feeling he’d just lost everything he’d hoped to someday have.
* * * *
Enapay settled Takoda under the covers before climbing in to lie beside him. He couldn’t believe Gray had been so cruel. He wrapped his arms around Takoda and brought the man he loved to rest against his chest once more.
“Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out.” Enapay felt Takoda’s arm tighten around him.
“Please don’t be mad at Gray,” Takoda whispered.
“I am mad. Beyond mad. He had no right to tell you anything.” He felt betrayed by Gray’s actions. Gray had to know what the knowledge would do to Takoda.
Takoda leaned up and stared at Enapay. “You should’ve told me.”
Enapay shook his head. “How could I? Your crow is everything to you.”
Everything.
Takoda’s crow meant more to him than even Enapay’s love, and Enapay knew it. He felt it every time the two of them were together. Wasn’t it the reason he was risking his own eagle?
“It’s something I need to prepare for. What were you planning? To let me find out on my own that I’ve lost the ability to shift?” Takoda shook his head.
Enapay knew he couldn’t tell Takoda about his daily prayers. “I hoped Father Sky could do something.”
Takoda leaned down and placed a kiss over Enapay’s heart. It was the first time Takoda had ever shown that level of caring.
“You try too hard to protect me,” Takoda said, meeting Enapay’s gaze once again.
“I love you,” Enapay stated. “You protect what you love.”
