by Val Wood
Now Jenny got up from her chair and started pacing the floor. ‘He told me he had a plan. He’d worked out how we could always be together, but he wouldn’t tell me what it was. He said I might confide in one of the other maids and then if it got out we’d both be locked away. I was getting nervous by then. He seemed agitated, his eyes were always darting about as if he was looking in all ’corners of the house, and he was always saying hush and putting his finger to his lips.’
Her pacing increased and Billy put out his hand to slow her down, but she brushed it away and kept on walking. ‘Then he locked himself in his room and wouldn’t come out or allow anyone in.’ She put her hand to her chest and took several deep breaths. ‘Down in ’kitchen, Mrs Judson and Cook were always muttering together but they’d stop when any of ’maids came in, except Mrs Judson used to look at me sometimes, almost as if she knew that something was going on between Christy and me.
‘Then Mrs Ingram called me and said I had to take some food up to his room. It had to be me, she said, Christy had asked especially. Why you? she said, and had a really suspicious stare. Why has he asked for you? I told her I didn’t know, which was my first lie.’
Jenny’s face worked in anguish and she pressed her fingers to her lips to stop them trembling. ‘When I went up, he was in a dreadful state! His face was white and his eyes were wild. He grabbed hold of me and gabbled that he was almost ready, that he’d worked out what we should do. I said to him that I’d something to tell him.’ She ran her tongue round her dry mouth and took another deep breath. ‘Something that I was almost sure about, and that it would make a difference to our life together. But he didn’t want to know, he wasn’t listening.’
She stopped pacing and put her hands over her face. ‘It was so important to me.’ Her voice broke. ‘But he didn’t want to know!’ She stared at Billy without seeing him. ‘He said that whatever it was, it didn’t matter, that he had his plan all worked out and he’d tell me what to do in just a few days. I was really frightened! He seemed to be in another world, mumbling to himself, and then – and then he made me promise that I’d love him for ever until death, and it was ’way that he said it that made me wonder if he wasn’t going out of his mind. But I did promise,’ she sobbed. ‘Even though I was having some doubts.’
‘Jenny!’ Billy implored. ‘There’s no need for all of this.’ He came to her and put his arms round her. ‘That’s over. You loved him then and now he’s gone. It’s finished. You’ve had another life since then!’
She gazed at him, her lips apart. ‘I haven’t finished,’ she whispered, her voice cracking. ‘There’s more!’ She moved his arms and stepped away from him, turning her back. ‘The morning when he said we’d be ready to leave, I gathered all my things and went downstairs. I’d already made up my mind that I couldn’t stay in ’house-hold any longer, and that I’d write a note to leave on Mr Ingram’s desk if I didn’t agree with Christy’s plan, telling him that I was ill and had to go home. So that part that I told ’magistrates was true. But what happened next, I didn’t tell them. Couldn’t tell them.’
She started to pace again, her movements becoming faster, her cloak swirling. ‘He wanted us to commit suicide.’
‘What?’ Billy’s startled gasp stopped her and she stared at him.
‘Christy – he wanted a suicide pact! So that we could always be together in death! I was speechless for a moment, and then I told him. Told him my secret: that I was expecting a baby. His baby. He looked bewildered and frowned as if he didn’t understand. I don’t want to die, Christy, I said. I have a child inside me. Our child.
‘You’re ruining my plan, he said, and he was angry with me. We don’t want anyone else, he said. Why are you having a child? We don’t want a child. It would get in the way. Then he puckered up his face as if he was thinking, his eyebrows beetling together. Will it die if you die? he asked, and I said of course it would, but that I didn’t want to die anyway, child or not, and that it would be a sin.
‘Well, we’re going to, he said. I’ve planned it and I’m not changing my mind now. And then he took ’gun out of the cabinet.’
Jenny started to breathe fast and she held on to the back of a chair and screwed her eyes up tight. Billy stood motionless, staring at her. ‘Then’, she exhaled, her words coming out on a swift breath, ‘he said – he said, come here, Jenny, and his voice was really cold and steady. I’ve told you what we’re going to do. He reached out and pulled me onto his knee, and I said that it would be murder if he killed me and my baby.’
As she opened her eyes, tears ran unchecked down her face. ‘He seemed startled at that, but then his eyes narrowed and turned cunning and he said that no-one else would know; only we two would know about it. As far as anyone else was concerned it would be considered suicide. I said, but I don’t want to die, Christy, I’ve so much to live for, and I knew as I said it that my life couldn’t include Christy any more.’
Her voice dropped. ‘I thought that I still loved him until that moment. Then he said, no, I’ve decided, Jenny. This is what we’re going to do. I can’t have my plans upset in this way; and he put his head close to mine and lifted the gun and said that ’bullet would go through both of us. I was terrified and I knew that it wouldn’t, that one of us would be horribly injured. Wait, I said, I’m not ready, and I jumped off his knee. I pleaded with him that we could have a life together, even though I knew now that we couldn’t. But he still wouldn’t listen to what I was saying. Finally, he – he grasped my wrist and put the gun in my hand and said – he smiled as he said it – that if it made me feel better I could pull ’trigger to make sure we both died at ’same time.’
Billy breathed in a hard breath and pressed his hand over his mouth.
‘So I took it,’ she whispered in an anguished voice. ‘But instead of putting it against our heads I pointed it at Christy’s heart and fired.’
Her face was wet with tears and her whole body shook. ‘I was so frightened! I didn’t want to die, Billy! I wanted to live; to hold my baby in my arms, even if it meant living in poverty or ’workhouse. I wanted it!’
‘Ssh. Ssh.’ In one long stride Billy was by her side, holding her fast as she wept uncontrollably.
‘And – and although I’ve felt s-sorrow for what happened to Christy, I’ve never regretted what I did, and when I see – when I see Chr-Christina, I know that I did right.’ She lifted her head. ‘But don’t you see, Billy,’ she sobbed, ‘I’ve been living a lie all these years; pretending even to myself that I had this great love for Christy, when really I hated him for what he made me do. He turned me into a murderer!’
Billy drew her towards a chair and sat down, cradling her, his arms round her, gently rocking her as if she was a child, dropping soft kisses on the top of her head as he soothed her, murmuring soft words of comfort.
‘And so’, she wept, ‘that’s why I had to tell you, that’s why I was racked with guilt, and I couldn’t let you go into a marriage with me without telling you.’
‘Did you tell Stephen Laslett?’ he asked. ‘Did he know?’
‘No!’ she whispered. ‘He knew that I’d been accused of murder and had been acquitted, and I told him that Christy wanted us to commit suicide and that his death was an accident. He never really questioned me about it; he was a recluse in a way, not one for gossip, which suited me. But’, she wiped her reddened eyes with her fingers, ‘that was a marriage of convenience at first. He wanted children so he could claim his father’s estate back.’
‘These fathers,’ Billy said disapprovingly, ‘making stipulations.’ He held her at arm’s length and gazed at her. ‘Will I be ’same, I wonder?’
‘And coming back to Beverley,’ she continued, as if she didn’t hear or understand his comment. ‘I couldn’t face going into church to say my vows without telling you; knowing what I’d done, and wondering if Christy’s parents had heard I was back here, and that their son’s daughter was living in their old home.’
‘They’
re dead,’ Billy said quietly. ‘Didn’t you know? Mrs Ingram took her own life and Mr Ingram died a few years later.’
She felt she would collapse at his words. She was washed out with emotion and guilt and clung to him. ‘Two deaths, then,’ she wept. ‘I’m responsible for Christy’s mother too. She must have felt so bereft at losing him!’
‘No!’ Billy said firmly. ‘It was ’bankruptcy. She left a letter to her husband saying she couldn’t stand ’shame, that she could never hold her head up again. The letter was read out at ’inquest. There was no mention of Christy. And Mr Ingram died of influenza at his daughter’s house a couple of years back. She married well after all, in spite of ’gossip, and lives in London.
‘It’s over, Jenny,’ he insisted. ‘You can rest your mind. You were protecting yourself and your child. Christy was the murderer, or he would have been if he’d had his way. It’s finished. There are no demons chasing you any more. They’ve gone!’
She looked at him, feeling weak and ill, and put her head on his shoulder. ‘I won’t hold you to it, Billy,’ she muttered, her throat and head aching with crying. ‘If you want to change your mind, I’ll understand. You’ve your reputation and your business to consider. And your mother – what would she think if she knew?’
‘She’s not likely to find out,’ he assured her, ‘and besides, she likes you. Always did. When you were in prison she was always saying that poor bairn, and asking me if I’d been to see you.’
‘Did she?’ she breathed in disbelief, and suddenly thought of Dolly and the other servants who had attended the hearing. Perhaps, after all, people made their own judgements on others, rightly or wrongly.
‘And as for my business,’ he said, ‘I’m a good butcher; folks come to me because of that, no other reason. I’m going to shut ’shop in Saturday Market,’ he added. ‘Ma says she’ll retire when we get wed and so I’ll just run the one in Toll Gavel and ’two in Hull. Though I’ve been thinking of opening one in Driffield.’ He hugged her closer. ‘What do you think?’
She drew away from him and stared disbelievingly at him. ‘I don’t understand you, Billy.’ She gave a dry swallow. ‘I’ve just told you something which has troubled and distressed me for eighteen years. And you ask my opinion on whether you should open another shop!’
‘Aye,’ he said quietly. ‘It might seem trivial and of no consequence after what you’ve been through; but it’s what matters now. What’s done is done and we must put all of what you’ve told me behind us.’
Us, she noticed. He said us. Not just behind me, but behind us.
‘Besides.’ Billy drew a deep breath. ‘I think I’ve always known; guessed anyway.’
‘Known? Known what?’ She was incredulous. ‘Not about what happened. You can’t have!’
He nodded. ‘I know you so well, Jenny! You can’t care for somebody as long as I’ve cared for you, without knowing every single thing about them.’ He gently touched her cheek. ‘The way you lift your eyebrows, or wrinkle your nose when you’re going to sneeze, the way your eyes crinkle at ’corners when you laugh, and ’way your mouth droops when you’re unhappy or worried about something.
‘I watched you at ’magistrates court when you stood in ’dock and I knew there was something not right; I saw you cross your arms across your belly, like a shield,’ he added, ‘and – you had a catch in your voice when you were answering questions, and then –’ He paused. ‘’Magistrate asked if you’d had any admirers – followers – and you looked across at me –’
Jenny nodded. She had. She remembered quite clearly.
‘You looked at me and said just the one, sir, and – and I felt proud that you trusted me enough to say that, and I knew that what you were saying was important and that it mattered. I would have stood in that dock for you, Jenny,’ he said softly, ‘if you’d only asked me.’
The town clocks were striking four. Darkness was lifting, the mist drifting away and the light of the moon fading as Billy walked her back to the house in New Walk. She wouldn’t let him take the trap, as she didn’t want to disturb anyone in the house by the clatter of hooves. Another couple of hours and the servants would be stirring. She had just time to climb back into bed; and she was so tired, so worn out with the telling.
They stood in the shadows and he kissed her, before she slipped along the path to the door. She turned and he was watching and lifted his hand. He could still change his mind, she thought as he left for his walk home. I wouldn’t blame him if he did. And I, do I feel confident enough to go through with it? Or more to the point, am I brave enough?
She put her hand on the door and it yielded at her touch. Mrs Judson was there in her night-robe, her greying hair hanging loose beneath her bed cap and a guttering candle in her hand.
‘I was worried about you, Mrs Laslett,’ she said in a low voice. ‘I heard you go out. I hoped you weren’t going to do anything foolish.’
‘I’ve been to see Billy,’ Jenny answered quietly.
Mrs Judson gave a slight smile, which lifted her gaunt features. ‘Mr Brown!’ She nodded. ‘He was always a nice lad. We always said, Cook and me, that he would do nicely for you if you could only see it.’ She held up the candle to light the way to the stairs. ‘You’ll be all right with him, Jenny,’ she murmured. ‘He’s waited a long time.’
CHAPTER FIFTY
The bells pealed joyously and a large crowd of onlookers were gathered outside the church of St Mary’s to watch Billy Brown the butcher arrive for his wedding.
‘Never thought he’d get wed!’ a woman with two children at her skirts remarked.
‘He’s Beverley’s last eligible bachelor,’ a young woman moaned. ‘There’s not a single other worth having. Course, rumour was put about that he’d marry Annie Fisher eventually.’
‘Aye, put about by her,’ someone else cackled. ‘I’d heard he’s been waiting for this young widow for years.’
Across the road at the Beverley Arms, servant girls hung out of the windows, keen to take a look at the woman who had stolen the heart of the butcher, though they’d get a better look at her when the couple and their guests came in for the wedding breakfast. Mrs Esmond, one of their new residents, had told them about her daughter-in-law’s widowed mother, who lived on a large country estate somewhere near Driffield. ‘She’ll be a good catch, I expect!’ One of the maids tossed the remark to another leaning out of the next window.
‘Of course,’ Mrs Esmond had confided to her friend Mrs Johnson on one of their coffee afternoons, ‘I know that Mr Brown is trade, but I told dear Christina that it shouldn’t matter to her at all; her mother is old enough to make her own decisions about that. My own grandfather was a tea merchant,’ she confessed. ‘But he only sold quality tea.’
The carriage pulled through the archway of North Bar and a ripple of excitement ran through the expectant crowd. ‘She’s coming! She’s coming!’
Harry Johnson, waiting in the porch, dashed to the gate, saw the approaching beribboned carriage and ran back inside, returning a moment later with Billy.
Jenny looked out as the horses drew to a halt; she saw Billy and her eyes became moist. He looked so splendid, dressed in grey morning suit with a white cravat, a grey top hat, and a white rose in his buttonhole. She saw him take a deep breath and exhale, a wide smile on his face.
‘Well, Ma!’ Johnny, handsome in his scarlet tunic, sat opposite her in the carriage, next to his grandfather, so as not to crush her gown. He leant towards her. ‘Are we going in or do we drive on?’
Johnny had been given special leave of absence from military school and had arrived at Laslett Hall late the previous evening. Although he was too young to give his mother away, she’d insisted that he accompanied her to church in the carriage with John Laslett. The rest of her family had gone on ahead in the carriage in front, with Christina and Charles leading the way in their own conveyance.
She gazed at Johnny now and thought again how much he looked like Stephen. Whatever reason she and St
ephen had had for marrying, she had no regrets, none at all, when she looked at all of their children and thought how lucky she was. And they were glad for her, happy that she was making a new life; and she had overheard William telling Dolly that he was very excited about going on holiday with his mother and new father.
Jenny lifted the short veil and drew it back over her hat, revealing her face. Just as well to start now, right from the beginning, she decided; no hiding away any longer.
Johnny smiled at her. ‘You’re beautiful, Ma,’ he said softly. ‘Isn’t she, Grandpa?’
John Laslett nodded and she was surprised to see tears in his eyes. I do believe he’s fond of me after all, she thought.
Johnny sprang down as the groom opened the door and put down the step. He helped his grandfather out and then turned to his mother. Jenny was looking into the crowd who were gathered by the gate. Christina was holding her husband’s arm and talking animatedly to Jenny’s mother and father and Billy’s mother and sister. Thomas and William were gazing wide-eyed at their newly discovered relatives. Serena, elegant and lovely in rose silk, was standing with Pearl and Arabella and some of her cousins. Dr Hill smiled and lifted his top hat when he saw her looking towards him.
Billy’s done this, she thought. He’s arranged it all, especially for me. She shook out the folds of her silver-threaded gown and stepped out and Billy, disregarding convention, came towards her and took her hand.
‘Shall we go to church, Jenny?’ he murmured.
She smiled, joy rushing through her. ‘Yes, Billy. I think perhaps we should.’
Late that night, wearing her silk peignoir, Jenny sat at the writing table in her bedroom. She had brushed her hair, letting it hang loosely down her back. Billy had gone into the guest room to check that William was asleep, for he was to accompany them to Whitby the next day. It had been Billy’s idea to take him. She took out her notebook and picking up a pencil she wrote down the events of the day and her feelings about it.
