Heights of Desire

by Mara White

  His beautiful smile slowly sweeps across his face as he raises his eyes to mine.

  “You always yell at people after you fuck ‘em?” he asks.

  “No,” I say, “just you.” I step out of his apartment and slam the door. I put my hand over my heart as I walk blindly down the steps. Outside the rain has stopped and I stand on the stoop for a moment to gather myself. If you’re going to take the leap and commit adultery you’d hope that the resulting sex would be exceptional in some way – at least memorable. An encounter like that isn’t worth the risk. I’m angry and disappointed but something inside me is also singing and I can’t help but smile.

  “Hey Sarah, Funny. I was just thinking about calling you today.”

  “Does he listen to Justin Beiber?”

  “Jaylee? Oh, God no! He listens to stuff in Spanish. Pearl listens to that twerp, though. She’s begging to go to the concert.”

  “Did you know you’re older- that we’re older than his mom?”

  “Jaylee’s?”

  “No, Beiber’s. And by six years. That killed me when I found out. Worse than my first grey pube.”

  “TMI, Sarah. TMI.”

  “I can’t believe you’re not giving me more frequent updates. I didn’t even know he had a name already. You’re acting like this kind of shit happens to you all the time.”

  “I’m sorry, Sar. I don’t see him and then when I do it’s so short and rushed.”

  “It’s okay, you’re still my favorite 1%-er.”

  “Ugh, Sarah, don’t call me that!”

  “Does the kid know he hit the jackpot yet?”

  “What, my parents? Yeah, Sarah. I haven’t exactly brought him home to meet the family.”

  “You fucked him already, though, didn’t you?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “That bad, huh?”

  “Worse. Juvenile. Strangely violent. The fantasy was better than the reality, just like they say.”

  “Well, you did meet him on the playground. Maybe now you won’t be tempted next time.”

  “Thing is, I want to see him again. It’s impossible to get it right on the first try, Sarah. One more time and then it will be forever out of my system.”

  “Are you telling me or just saying that to yourself? Because neither of us believe you.”

  “I’ll tell him and that way we’ll establish some clear boundaries.”

  “Yeah. Um, right, because this kid obviously respects boundaries. You’re asking for it, sister. You’re taking it too far.”

  “I’ve got this, Sar, don’t worry. I’m completely in control.”

  CHAPTER 7

  A week later, Jaylee invites me to come over while his family is actually home. I’m not sure what it means to him, this introduction, but I feel too strongly for him to decline something that could possibly be meaningful or important to him.

  Coming here the second time should be easier. Having Jaylee by my side, holding tightly onto my hand should inspire confidence, but instead I’m a nervous wreck. I can’t help wondering if his mother and grandmother know that I’ve been here before or if they have any idea of what caused the bottles to crash from the top of their dresser.

  Jaylee unlocks the door and ushers me into the apartment yelling “Mamá!” One of his hands on my hip navigates me with perfect fluidity, as if this were the most natural thing in the world. Jaylee is completely at ease and seems excited about bringing me home. I’m immediately assaulted by the smell of garlic, fry oil, and some type of floral air freshener; the heady scent makes the tiny apartment feel even smaller. His grandmother and mother are in the kitchen and both wipe their hands simultaneously, his grandmother on her house apron and his mother on a tea towel. Their synchronized movement seems strange to me considering that they’re not biologically related to one another.

  Gladys, Jaylee’s told me, is his father’s mother. She is round and voluptuous and flashes a conspiratorial smile at me that makes my shoulders relax and puts me at ease. I like her at first sight and I can tell that she likes me. She takes both of my hands in hers and wraps me into a quick and hearty hug.

  “Kate, qué gusto. Jaylee nos ha contado mucho de tí,” she gushes.

  What could he possibly have told them? My age? That I’m married with children? Oh, God I feel sick. I’m a bad person.

  “Bella y profesional,” she says and squeezes my hands in hers.

  She flatters me and I feel grateful for her warmth. It soothes my ragged nerves and butterfly-entangled stomach.

  Janet, Jaylee’s mother is not as pleased to meet me, either that or she’s much more reserved than everyone else in her family. We shake hands and kiss lightly on the cheek. We are divided by only a few years in age. Jaylee tries to minimize the age difference but it obviously matters to her – I can tell by just looking. My guess is that Janet is maybe a few years younger than me, but appears older either from stress or heartbreak. She dyes her hair a deep mahogany but the white roots peek through at her part and around her face. Jaylee gets his sculpted, high cheekbones from her and his perfectly square teeth. There are traces of acne scars in the contour of her cheek. She is beautiful in a rugged and hidden way, as if her beauty were a weakness that she feels she needs to conceal. I wonder if she’s this closed off all of the time or if it’s my presence causing her distance.

  Golden eyes clearly come from Jaylee’s dad’s side. Gladys’ are a light caramel and they flash warmly at me again as if to apologize for Janet’s cool reception. Gladys is robust and teeming with goodwill, humor, and mischievousness. It seems that she’s impressed with Jaylee’s choice of a lover and doesn’t disapprove one bit. She’s possibly even culling some pleasure out of the obvious disappointment Janet displays toward the situation. She is my immediate ally. I have the feeling that Gladys would side with me even if things weren’t to work out between Jaylee and I.

  “Are you hungry?” Janet asks apprehensively.

  “I am,” I reply smiling.

  “Do you like Spanish food?” she asks me.

  “I do,” I reply, beaming. This could go on forever.

  I’m not surprised that she’s unhappy with the idea of her son being with me – I’m sympathetic. I would absolutely forbid my daughters to date a man twenty years their senior. It’s hypocrisy on my part most likely based on gender bias. I would be disappointed too, if I were her. She naturally wants a young bride for him – someone who will provide gorgeous grandchildren and fill her house with family. She might also want someone Dominican; maybe she already has her designated and I’m destroying the plan. Of course, I’ll never know, it’s all speculation my mind is running with because I’m nervous. I want to reassure her that it’s not permanent, that I promise not to ruin Jaylee’s life. I don’t though because that would also be speculation. No one knows how this thing, and now it’s officially a thing because I’m standing here in his kitchen, will end.

  I’m wracking my brain for the right thing to say that will alleviate the tension when Jaylee’s sister waltzes in and everyone’s attention zips to her. To say that Janinie is beautiful is an understatement. She is a stunning head-turner already at sixteen. Her eyes are the same brilliant caramel as her grandmother’s and she has a bone structure so striking it makes me want to reach out and touch her face. Her raven black, straightened hair shines halfway down her back. She gives me a rude once-over as if we were two girls in a club and hangs her arm around Jaylee’s neck possessively. He elbows her in the ribs and she shrieks “Qué?” in return. Then she pouts, saunters over to me and gives me a kiss on the cheek along with an exaggerated “Hola.” She then pops a fried plantain into her mouth and lifts the top off of the pot on the stove to stir the steaming lunch the women have prepared.

  “Cochina!” Gladys snaps and smacks Janinie’s backside. Janinie is unfazed and slurps a bite off of the serving spoons and grabs another plantain before waltzing out and slipping her feet into a pair of high-heeled clogs. She throws a denim ja
cket over her shoulder in the attached hallway, gathers her hair and pulls it around her neck to hang over one shoulder. Her nails are freshly manicured.

  “Janinie! Maleducada!” Gladys quips.

  Janinie leans her head back so that her hair fans out behind her as she peeks around the kitchen doorframe. She coos, “Sorrrry, nice to meet you,” in the most disingenuous fashion and with a falsely exaggerated accent to boot.

  “You too,” I manage while Gladys mutters an apology and Janet shrugs her shoulders at me.

  “She’s jus sixteen,” she explains and I nod in understanding.

  Janinie’s presence has the same magnetic quality to it that her brother’s has. They both possess a charismatic self-assurance that’s palpable. There is cockiness there to be sure, but also a natural inner glow that is radiant and sucks people in. The pull is riveting and it’s hard to focus on anything else when either one of them are in the room. I can’t help but wonder if the trait comes from their father.

  Jaylee goes to the refrigerator and uncaps two bottles of cold beer. He hands one to me and slips a protective arm around my waist. It makes me feel secure; I want his arm around me, but I’m also wary of what’s going through his family’s minds. It’s one thing to touch your girlfriend in front of your parents and another to touch your girlfriend who’s as old as your parents in front of them. I hate to put him – I hate to put all of them – in this position. Jaylee, however, appears to be completely oblivious, to the age difference, to the tension, to anything but me. He pulls me in front of him and kisses my shoulder from behind, one arm still wrapped protectively around my waist.

  Jaylee and I eat at the kitchen table with Janet. Gladys refuses to join us despite much pleading from me. She places steaming bowls of sancocho in front of us. Gladys explains to me that it’s a traditional dish containing pork, chicken, and fish. I’ve had it before but never homemade and never this good. I heap the praises on both of them and finish the entire bowl.

  Gladys asks me what I cook and I opt for not telling her that Carmen does most of the cooking in our house.

  “I’m not much of a cook, really. I do pasta well. I like to bake,” I say. It all comes out sounding feeble and inadequate.

  My guess is that both of these women might be judgmental about me leaving Carmen to do what ought to be my homemakers duties in their eyes. It’s not like I work a full-time job. Neither of them ask me what I do for a living so I’m guessing that either they think I do nothing or that Jaylee has indeed filled them in on the details. If so, Janet’s hostility is even more understandable. Jaylee finishes his bowl and Gladys refills it without asking. They smile at one another as the bowl passes between them. He loves his grandmother, and she obviously adores him.

  My first meal with Robert’s parents was a rigorous operation in information gathering. Although both sweet, they drilled me endlessly about my upbringing, my schooling, and my plans for the future. Surprisingly, I passed the test and fit the mold they’d created for Robert’s life. They practically all but welcomed me into the family before dessert was served. My family subjected Robert to the same inquiry, and understandably so, he more than measured up. I’m not sure who married up between the two of us. My family was wealthier, while Robert’s was more accomplished and connected.

  Currently, I’m living out my parent’s worst nightmare. I’ve fallen for someone who, under no circumstances, could be included in one of their family gatherings. The list of grievances would be never-ending, even without factoring Robert, Ada, and Pearl into the equation. Jaylee is too young, not educated, unemployed, and although they’d never admit it, they’d have a problem with him being Dominican too. Of course they would come up with a myriad of reasons as to why race had nothing to do with their disapproval of him – but in reality, it would be on the top of their list.

  I reach out and squeeze Jaylee’s thigh. I’m honored that he’s brought me here, that he has enough confidence in our relationship to make it public to the people that matter most. He puts his hand on top of mine and drinks me in with his golden eyes. My heart surges in response. I want to take him in my arms but it seems too inappropriate. I catch Janet looking at us and I feel ashamed. Her scowl has me anxious enough to blow a gasket. Jaylee is again oblivious.

  “Mamá, no te dijé que era la mujer más bella?” he says. It’s Gladys that he calls Mamá.

  “Sí, mi hijo, Gladys replies, un mujerón. Cuidado, tal vez sea demasiado buena para tí, Jaylito.” Gladys winks at me conspiratorially. Jaylito? I love this exuberant Senora. I smile at her and then at Jaylee. Janet busies herself with dishes in the sink, having no part of their game.

  “No te creas, Mamá, esa se va a quedar conmigo pa’ siempre, ya tu verás.”

  Jaylee’s optimism makes my stomach turn. Not because I don’t want to be with him forever, but because it’s so very delusional. It makes me feel like we’re playing make-believe. The truth, as it stands right now, is that I’m not willing to throw away everything I have for this man. There is no long-term future for us. We can only enjoy each other in the moment. I can adore his body. I can exist within this incendiary attraction. Jaylee wanting me back is enough fulfillment for a lifetime of desire. That is my realistic forever.

  Jaylee wipes his mouth on a napkin and stands. He comes behind me to put his hands on my shoulders. He’s even more physically affectionate with me in front of his family. His grandmother is still teasing him about me being more than he can handle. I’ve lost track of the conversation and surrendered momentarily to melancholy. Jaylee kneads his fingers into my flesh and the doubt all but disappears. He seems to intuit my mood. His touch makes my blood run hot. He leans down and kisses my neck. I can’t bring my eyes to look up to see if they’re watching. His escalating touch sends shivers in waves throughout my body. My mind wanders to the bedroom that I know is just down the hall. The memory of his desperation, the abandonment of convention – of any fucking foreplay – the missing first kiss that became his mouth crushing mine and biting me. I’m embarrassed to be so affected by him in front of his family. Our age difference is shockingly magnified in this situation.

  When we leave I address both women and tell them I’d love to have them over to my house sometime. I almost slip and add ‘to see the girls.’ It feels so natural to say and suddenly Ada and Pearl become something that I have to hide. I hate it. Janet offers me an awkward handshake and an icy stare. Gladys wraps her arms around me and thumps me on the back before kissing my cheek.

  Jaylee jumps the entire first flight of stairs on the way down and smiles at me from below, his arms outstretched. I descend slowly and fall into them. He still jumps around like a kid. This is why my children adore him. The kiss he envelops me in, however, is not childish and catapults me into a welcome heat. His kiss obliterates the tension of the meal and the stress of having our differences on display. It only takes a second of being in his arms to remind me that I belong here, with him. I’ve never met a man that’s had the power to undo me with a single kiss. A spontaneous fever heat besieges me from head to toe. I’m more turned on than I’m willing to admit.

  “You the first girl I ever brought home. Ma don’t know how to act. It’s not you,” he says in apology.

  “Oh, I’m sure it is me,” I tell him. “But I don’t blame her. She’s protecting you. I’d do the exact same thing.”

  “Maybe you the one that needs protecting,” Jaylee says, sliding his hand down my back and grabbing my ass aggressively. He nibbles my lower lip and then pulls back staring into my eyes. My adrenaline is triggered and it flushes through my body. It’s not fear but rather the intense attraction that begets this response in me. No relationship this volatile can last. It’s bound to explode and burn. If I give up my life for him, when the passions fizzles I’ll be like Cinderella at midnight. The sheath of desire falls away to reveal my life in shambles around me. There I am, with nothing. No Jaylee, no Robert, no family.

  I return his kiss harder and more desperate th
an before. I want to capture the time we have. I want to give myself to him. I wrap my arms around him and melt into his body. I can’t get enough. His hand travels over my sex and I groan with longing. I want him inside of me. I’m in awe of his ability to ignite me like this. I grab his hardness through his jeans and he tongues deeply and gently into my mouth.

  “You want to go back upstairs?” Jaylee pulls away and grabs both of my shoulders looking at me like we have a serious issue to address.

  “But your family is home!” I say both surprised and horrified by the suggestion.

  “Yeah, but they not stupid, they know I got needs.”

  I want him more than anything right now but I can’t consent to coitus in a room right next to his mother and grandmother, despite how sympathetic they might be to his manly ‘needs.’ I shake my head ‘no’ and press my hips into his.

  “Baby, what we gonna do? Want to go down to the basement stairwell? There’s laundry and shit but nobody goes down there.”

  Yes! my body says but I tell him no. I can’t start having sex in basement stairwells.

  “If you want me, why’s it matter so much where I take you? We together, no?”

  I could easily be swept away by Jaylee if it weren’t for reality rearing it’s hideous head every other step. The truth is that Jaylee and I are two different species that belong to two very different worlds.

  “I should go,” I start.

  “You just gonna leave me here, like this? Jaylee motions to his erection. “You gonna go home and fuck him instead?”

  “No!” Here we go again.

  “Cause I swear if you do . . .”

  Jaylee puts a flat palm against the wall on both sides of my head and kisses me so hard it makes my heart pound in my chest. He’s claiming me with his kiss. He doesn’t want to share me. I don’t blame him; I feel the same way.

  “Sometimes, Kate, I get the feeling that all you want from me is this,” Jaylee again gestures to his erection straining against his jeans and shoves it aggressively against my thigh.