Heights of Desire

by Mara White

  I interlace my fingers with his and he pulls me along as we approach a group of young men on the corner. They’re his friends and they ask him about the bust, the ankle cuff, the pending trial. Jaylee updates them in rapid fire Spanish, the kind that’s so thickly accented and full of colloquialisms that I struggle to follow. They ask him how he managed bail and he replies mi mujer, tightening his grip on my hip and pulling me closer to his body. The words melt me. I let them go to my heart and my head. I let them intoxicate me completely.

  We walk uptown and my stomach sinks when I realize where he thinks he’s taking me.

  “I don’t want to go to your house. Your mother hates me.”

  “My building? The basement?”

  “I don’t want to hide.”

  “Hotel, there’s some on 145th Street?”

  “Too disgusting. I can’t.”

  “We could just walk.”

  I have an idea – one that would horrify my family but seems like the only option at the moment. I know that the time we have is limited and precious. Each encounter could possibly be the last.

  “We can go to my parents place. They’re in Aruba.”

  “Shit. Okay.”

  My parents vacation a lot, although my dad, at sixty-seven has yet to retire. A few years ago they sold my childhood home, a townhouse on the Upper East Side, and moved into a luxury condo that’s supposedly easier for them to maintain. They’ve stayed in the same neighborhood but their new place is right on the park. It’s big, it’s opulent, it’s over the top. It makes my beautifully renovated brownstone look quaint. They’d both die if they knew I was bringing Jaylee there, but right now, I could give a fuck. I have the code. I know the doorman.

  I hail a cab and give the driver the address. It occurs to me on the ride over that the doorman or the concierge or the stupid neighbors will probably report back to my parents that I showed up while they were away with a brown-skinned young man wearing an ankle monitor. That’s something they’ll just have to get over. I swipe my card in the taxi and lead Jaylee into the building. It’s ultra-modern in a mostly pre-war neighborhood, so the building itself stands out. It has a looming glass front, a marble waterfall wall in the lobby, and a gigantic, one of a kind, colorful blown-glass chandelier that hangs so low it seems like you easily could reach up and touch it. The doorman tips his hat to us and I pull Jaylee closer. The concierge looks up from his desk as we approach and confusion flickers on his face.

  “Evening, Mrs. Champion, Sir,” he nods at Jaylee. “I’m afraid Mr. and Mrs. Whittland aren’t in.”

  “I’m not here to see them, Claude. I told my mother I’d check in. Water the plants while they’re in Aruba.”

  “Certainly, Ma’am,” Claude says retrieving the key to the penthouse. He follows us to the elevator and unlocks the penthouse floor.

  “I presume you know the code?”

  “I do, thanks.”

  I punch the code in the keypad and the doors close, leaving us alone. I pull Jaylee into my arms hungrily. I can’t help but think that they might see this – the intimacy between us captured on the security cameras. I let it go. Their opinion doesn’t really matter to me anymore.

  “You’re not close with them, are you?” Jaylee asks.

  “Nope.”

  “You seem tense. You sure it’s okay we’re here?”

  I shrug my shoulders and the elevator doors open into the foyer of my parent’s apartment. The living room space is visible from the entrance and boasts floor to ceiling windows offering a stunning view of the park with the skyline as backdrop.

  “Holy shit!” Jaylee breathes. “Your parents are ballers.”

  “Yeah. Private equity. He does it for the love of it.” I say sarcastically, leaning down to pull off my Converse tennis shoes. “Make yourself comfortable, food, whatever. The bathroom’s the second door on the left. Stereo is on the wall. I’m just going to take a quick shower.”

  “I didn’t come find you just to get laid, Kay.”

  He looks slightly hurt, as if I’m insulting him with my shower. He’s never called me Kay before.

  “I just want to get clean. I feel like shit.”

  “Do I make you feel dirty?” He says, a slow smile lighting in his eyes.

  “Sometimes.”

  “In a good way or a bad way?” He says walking toward me. His face is falling into that dangerous territory that I don’t know how to read. The expression that unnerves me. The one where I can’t tell if he wants to seduce me or kill me. Or maybe both. I long to be entirely open with him, to hold nothing back. I’ve got nothing to lose at this point.

  “Jaylee, when you look at me like that I wonder if you’re thinking about fucking me or hurting me,” I say rapidly on an exhale.

  I blush at the sound of my own voice disclosing my melodramatic fears. He seems unfazed by the question, which isn’t very reassuring. He reaches me and places his hands on my shoulders and leans into my neck. His breath is in my ear and gooseflesh appears all over me, my nipples harden.

  “Fuck you, Kate. Always fuck you,” he murmurs. “Can I shower with you?”

  His strong chest presses into mine and he lifts me up to straddle his waist, his hands coming to support me under my ass. I can feel his hardness pressing into my center and my muscles clench with wanting him.

  “Okay,” I say and lay my head on his shoulder with my arms draped around his neck. I direct him to the master bath, which has floor to ceiling glass windows that match the living space. These ones are made of liquid crystal that changes from transparent to opaque with the flick of a switch. There’s both a gigantic crushed-stone bathtub and a separate walk-in shower, also encased in glass. The lights turn on automatically when we enter.

  “Damn,” Jaylee says setting me down on the marble sink vanity.

  “I know,” I reply. “It’s excessive.”

  “I guess my place isn’t like what you’re used to, huh?”

  “Let’s not talk about that,” I say.

  “Okay. But even if we don’t say shit, it’s still pretty obvious. It’s not a good trade for you. I’ve got nothing to offer you. No wonder you didn’t ever want to leave.”

  “I don’t care about any of this.” I say. I pull him to me and gaze into his golden-hued eyes. I don’t want to trivialize his own poverty but I want him to know that money and possessions mean very little to me. He’s all that I need. I yank my sweatshirt and t-shirt up over my head and toss them to the floor beside us.

  “I meant what I told you, Kate. I didn’t come just to get laid. If you feel like shit, let’s just be together. We might not get to again.”

  I place my hands on both sides of his face and pull his mouth to mine. He tongues me deeply and sweetly and sadly. I didn’t mean for my parent’s house to drown us both in melancholy. I undo his belt buckle and his pants drop to the floor. He leans forward to pull them off over the ankle monitor. His face looks distracted, forlorn.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  “That this is the kind of bathroom you deserve to be fucked in.”

  “Jaylee, I love you.”

  It comes out organically, unplanned and effortless. His eyes quickly reach mine and his lips part in surprise. He remains silent, his eyes searching mine, his brow slightly furrowed. I’m so entirely certain that he loves me too that I don’t need to hear him say it. Even on the chance that he doesn’t, I love him so wholly and fully that it’s superfluous. My love alone is complete. I reach out and gently make contact with his hip. I run my thumb softly over the sterile strips that still cover his gunshot wound. I bend over and bring my mouth to his hip and lightly feather-kiss the spot. Jaylee pulls me back up and cups my face in his hands.

  “Nobody’s ever taken care of me, Kate. Nobody ever put me first, like you do.” He looks tormented and he grips the back of my neck and presses his forehead into mine. “I don’t know how to return what you do to me. I want to fucking brand you with myself. I can’t be away from you. I�
��ll lose my fucking mind if I can’t have you.”

  “You have me, Jaylee. I’m yours.” I pull him to my chest and his body quakes with emotion against me.

  “Not on the inside, I won’t. I won’t be able to touch you, to hear you. You’ the very best thing that could have ever happened to me. And now I’ll never know.”

  “You don’t know what’s going to happen with the trial,” I say, not believing it myself.

  “Yeah we do. That’s why we’ here right – to say goodbye?”

  “Kate!” I hear Robert’s voice boom throughout the otherwise silent apartment.

  “Shit!” I say grabbing my t-shirt and tugging it back over my head. I hop down off of the sink. Jaylee’s already moved to the door.

  “Stay here!” I say pushing him out of the way. I slam the bathroom door closed behind me. Robert meets me in the hallway. His eyes are ablaze and he’s sweating visibly. Claude is standing in the foyer looking agitated and reluctant to enter the apartment.

  “Mrs. Champion, I couldn’t stop him. I’ve called security, just in case.”

  “It’s fine, Claude. We’re fine. No need for security.”

  “Where is he?” Robert demands.

  “He’s in the bathroom. There’s no reason for you to flip out. We were just talking, Robert. Trying to say goodbye.”

  “Saying goodbye in the bathroom?”

  “Yes, in the bathroom,” I say.

  “You’ve violated our agreement,” Robert says pointing a finger at me.

  “I guess I have. I think I just wanted some closure. He’s going to jail.”

  “And you thought it was a good idea to do it behind my back?”

  “I didn’t think. I just did. As usual.”

  Jaylee steps out of the bathroom and closes the door behind him. He’s put his jeans back on but remains shirtless. His perfectly sculpted abdomen rises and falls with accelerated breathing. Both of these men are coiled to strike. He moves to my side protectively and I cringe knowing how it will set Robert off.

  “What happened to playing fair, you little creep?” Robert says, spitting the words at Jaylee.

  I’d all but forgotten that they’d made their own agreement, that they’d interacted so closely in the hospital – that Jaylee returned my wedding rings to Robert.

  “I don’t play fair when it comes to Kate. Get used to it. I’m playing for keeps.”

  This is Jaylee’s audacious threat. He sounds cocky and he’s making all the wrong moves. I can feel the anger of Robert’s imminent snap. Jaylee’s isn’t aware that Robert wins for a living. He’s just activated Robert’s destruct mode.

  “Maybe I should go,” I say, my intention being to leave the both of them behind. I certainly can’t side with one over the other; I can’t make a choice between the two them. Once again, I‘ve fucked up. I never even got my shower. I still feel like shit.

  Robert swings powerfully at Jaylee’s face. This is new to me – the physically aggressive, offensive Robert. Maybe in another context I would have liked Robert going to battle for me, staking his claim. But I can’t even bring myself to believe him, not after ten years of relative apathy.

  Jaylee suffers the punch without resistance and Robert hits him hard. I move away from them both, down the hallway to get my shoes. My peripheral vision catches Jaylee’s body slam back, coming into contact with the wall. A decorative table goes flying, atop it a vase and a recent family photo, Robert, the girls, and me in the Hamptons, smiling perfectly for the camera.

  I hear Jaylee groan as I slip my tennis shoes back on, the pain sounds acute as it springs forth from his lips. He must have landed on his injured hip. He can’t hit Robert back. It would violate the conditions of his release. I know he won’t hit back in order to protect my own interest, the money as well as the marriage that I have to return to.

  Claude is fumbling with the walkie talkie when I reach the lobby.

  “Call security!” I say.

  “But, Mrs. Champion, I just . . . I just called them off.”

  “Please do it!” I say and step out into the fast-approaching night.

  CHAPTER 24

  “Holy Shit, Great!” Sarah says as she jumps up from the couch when I walk in the house. “I couldn’t stop him.”

  “Neither could I. I think he’s beating the shit out of Jaylee as we speak.”

  “Umm, I think Jaylee could probably take Robert on a bad day.”

  “Not if he refuses to hit him back. He can’t risk his bail.”

  “Crap! What are we gonna do?”

  “Self-destruct. Fuck. I don’t know.”

  “I’ll make drinks.”

  Sarah makes us gin martinis with olives but pours them into lowball glasses. She’s wearing her jacket inside as if she were ready to run out at a moments notice. The kids are asleep already. Carmen’s left for the day.

  “Thanks,” I say accepting the glass and cocktail napkin from her. “Did you buy gin?”

  “Well, I sent Carmen out to get it. I’ve only got one day left, Great, I’m trying to live it up. So booze it is, since you refuse to let a girl take advantage of your connections. I gotta say though, all this drama in your life is more action than I’ve seen in a long time. Maybe even more than our college days.”

  “Ugh. Tell me about it. I had the concierge call security. I can’t risk my bail either. I’ve got to be here for the girls. Hopefully security translates into no broken bones. I wonder how Robert’s going to explain trashing my parents house to them.”

  We settle back and discuss how my parents would absolutely disapprove of everything Jaylee. My mother would cry if she knew. How he encompasses all of their worst nightmares wrapped into a single person. How they would probably scurry across the street into oncoming traffic if they had to share the sidewalk with him.

  “What about the fifteen minutes in heaven with him?’ Was it at least worth the trouble?”

  “Sublime. He’s a drug to me, Sar. I get a little taste and all I can think about is getting more.”

  “Well, I have to say, Great, he is fucking hot.

  “So hot,” I say. “And now Robert’s bruising his beautiful face.”

  “That body, those eyes, and oh my god, that smile. The smile is ridiculous, irresistible, and sooo fucking naughty,” Sarah says. “I like that he’s so warm too. His personality is playful, like he really enjoys being him. I felt like hugging the kid and I don’t even know him.”

  I lean over and hug Sarah. I’m so glad she’s here.

  “I love you, Sar. I don’t know what I’d do without you. You make me feel normal.”

  “You are normal, you dirty, little whore,” Sarah says kissing my forehead and then giving me a noogie.

  “Ouch!” I yell pulling my head up and rubbing the spot.

  “Sorry, sorry,” Sarah says lifting her hands into the air. “I’m the product of a houseful of boys . . . aaaand there’s a cop car outside your house.”

  “What?” I shriek and grab both of our glasses running to the kitchen to pour them down the sink. I don’t know what my problem is, we’re not doing anything wrong. It’s all evidence of my guilty conscience.

  Sarah has her face pressed up against the window behind the couch, her butt in the air, her hands acting as visor to her eyes. I lick my lips and bite them nervously.

  “What do you see?” I can’t bring myself to look. Maybe it’s just a coincidence. Maybe it was the only available parking spot. Oh, God, what if I got Robert arrested? All we need is more trouble with the law.

  “Nothing, Great. Looks like two officers in front. It’s too dark to see in the back.”

  “I think I’m going to be sick.”

  “Chill! This. Is. Awesome. Your life is like a movie. I thought I was coming for girl’s night and instead I get, like, live action Nancy Drew, but with hot sex and drugs.”

  “Ha, ha, Sarah. I’m seriously terrified right now.”

  “Oh, wait, you’re too old to be Nancy Drew. You’re Miss Marp
le! With hot sex and drugs.” Sarah starts laughing. “Oh, God. That’s gross!” She laughs so hard she snorts at her own joke.

  “Wait, Kate, someone’s getting out. He’s standing up. I think it’s Robert. He seems fine. Someone else is getting out. Holy shit!”

  “What, Sarah, what?” She turns around and looks at me. I can read her eyes. “Jaylee?” I whisper. She nods, her eyes wide. “Are the cops coming?”

  Sarah turns back around. “Doesn’t look like it.”

  “They’re both coming in here?”

  “Walking up the path. Jaylee looks kind of messed up. What the fuck is this? There’s something fishy going on between those two. I don’t like it.”

  “Me neither. I really am going to be sick.”

  “Go puke! I’ll hold off Thing one and Thing two.”

  I run to the bathroom under the stairs and lean over the toilet. The gin comes up easily and since I haven’t eaten since breakfast, it’s just gin and olives. It burns even worse on the way out.

  “Oh my God!”

  “What? Sarah, you’re killing me!” I yell from the bathroom.

  “This is like Twilight, Robert is Robert Pattinson, obviously, and Jaylee is the younger one, the brown one. The wolf with the abs.”

  “What are they doing? The real people, for Christ’s sake, Sarah!”

  “Standing on the porch. They both want you – so you’re Bella. But you actually put out. You’re a slutty Bella.”

  “I can’t believe you read Twilight!” I say between dry heaves.

  “Read it, loved it, and I’d read it again. Ain’t no shame in my game, Great. Stand back. They’re coming in.”

  “Both of them?”

  “Mmmhmm.”

  I hear the front door open and then close heavily. There are some footsteps but no one’s speaking. I feel like I might pass out so I lower the lid and sit on the toilet.

  “The one you seek isn’t here. She’s gone to the dark side,” Sarah says in a low voice.

  “Please.” Robert says

  “Please you, Bobby! What the hell are you two up to? She’s in the bathroom puking her guts out. But, listen, if you fuck with my best friend I’m kicking the both of you out. Jaylee, you want some ice for that?”