The Londum Omnibus Volume Two (The Londum Series Book 12)

by Tony Rattigan

  But then again, sometimes there are.

  Epilogue

  Big Mick McGarry came out the pub and set off home, staggering as he went. Damn that barmaid Hazel, leading him on all night, giving him the eye and then getting upset when he slapped her backside. She’ll be going home with that fisherman friend of hers now, I’ll be bound, he thought, angrily.

  ‘Curse her and curse this Gods-forsaken little fishing port.’ He hadn’t wanted to leave Londum but when you’ve crossed a man like Jim Darby it was wise to make yourself scarce. So Big Mick had hurriedly packed his things, took the first train out of Londum going anywhere, and got as far away as he could. He had moved a few times and ended up at this grubby little fishing port on the South Coast.

  He arrived at his lodgings, went up the stairs and unlocked his door. Inside he crossed the room in pitch-blackness, groped around for the matches and lit the gas lamp.

  As Big Mick turned around to face the room, Jim Darby stood up from the chair where he had been sitting patiently, waiting in the dark for Big Mick’s return.

  ‘Evening McGarry, nice to see you again. You left town a bit suddenly and we weren’t able to finish our business. I thought I’d follow you down here so we could settle it, man to man. And I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt on that one.’

  Big Mick said, ‘I didn’t want to hurt you Mr. Darby… I only did it because that Bolan said that if I didn’t then he would kill me!’

  ‘Well,’ said Jim, ‘when I’m finished, you’ll wish you’d taken his offer.’

  Jim held up a leather cosh, exactly the same type of cosh as Big Mick had used on him, “The Persuader”, and then smacked it into the palm of his hand.

  ‘I brought my little friend along to say hello. You know McGarry; they say what goes around, comes around … and guess what? It’s come around’.

  Big Mick made a dash for the door … but he never reached it.

  THE END

  For you curious types:

  Something Old - Tuten Kha-Hawn at the British Museum

  Something New - Jim’s relationship with Racine

  Something “Borrowed” - The stolen Snake-head statue.

  Something Blue - The dress for Sarah

  The Great Game

  Book Seven of The Londum Series

  Copyright © Antony Rattigan 2012

  All rights reserved.

  Sometimes you can do bad things for good reasons. Ask Jim Darby, he knows better than most. After helping his lady friend, the Honourable Fiona Hetheringham, with a little insurance scam involving the staged theft of the famed Hetheringham Necklace, he’s clandestinely approached by the British Secret Service, in the form of Thornton Wells, to do a little ‘search and recovery’ operation for them.

  A secret treaty between Rooskia and the Ostro-Ungarian Empire needs to be recovered from the Rooskian Embassy in Budapescht, so Jim obliges and hands it over to his Ungarian contact. Job done! But suddenly the treaty has disappeared, his contact has gone missing and everyone’s pointing the finger at Jim. Jim has no option but to go back to Budapescht and sort it all out for himself.

  And just to add to the fun, Jim’s old adversary from Caledonia Yard, Inspector Herbert Corner, is on his trail for the Hetheringham Necklace robbery.

  (There are times, Jim feels, when a change of career to Merchant Banking can seem awfully attractive.)

  Author’s note:

  This book is based on a true story ... only the names of the people, the actual events and the locations they take place in have been changed, to protect the innocent.

  For the part of this book set in Europe, I would like to thank Google Maps, without whose help it could not have been written.

  By the way, I know you people don’t read these books but I’m just gonna keep writing them, anyway. You won’t win, you know.

  Prologue

  There are many Universes in the Multiverse. Running along, side by side, like lanes on a Motorway (or an Autobahn or a Highway, depending on where you are reading this book) and there are some people that can move between them, like changing lanes.

  The few Universes that are either side of your particular lane may not seem that different, but if you were to travel further, the more distant Universes may seem a lot stranger. Fearsome lands where the natives dress strangely, talk in an incomprehensible language and eat and drink curious foods. (Or you could just be in Scotland.) And inventions may have been invented and discoveries discovered, earlier or later in these Universes than in yours ... or not at all, so their timeline could be entirely different from the one you are familiar with.

  Fortunately for us, the Universe in this book is not far away, which may explain why it seems familiar, it may even be your Universe. In their time it is the Victorian Era, where the country of Albion has an Empire that rules a quarter of the globe.

  Okay, enough talk, now run along and read the book.

  Burglary by Appointment

  Jim Darby lay contentedly on his bed; lazily blowing smoke rings into the air, watching them expand and then dissipate in the beams of afternoon sunshine.

  ‘Do you want another glass of champagne?’ asked his companion, the Honourable Fiona Hetheringham.

  ‘Oh, yes please.’

  She climbed out of bed and slipped a robe on. She filled two glasses with what was now rather flat and warm champagne and after handing one to Jim, climbed back into bed.

  ‘You know, you can’t beat lying in bed with a beautiful woman, sipping champagne,’ he told her. Fiona smiled and kissed him on the cheek, which unusually in that time period was bare. Most of the men of the Victorian era wore some form of facial hair, from neat moustaches to large side-whiskers or enormous beards but Jim preferred to remain clean-shaven.

  ‘There’s something special about making love in the afternoon, isn’t there?’ she asked him. ‘What is it exactly?’

  ‘You don’t have to light the lamps?’

  ‘No silly, it’s more than that. I guess it’s because it feels so wonderfully decadent, drinking champagne and making love during the day, while outside the world goes about its business. Everyone is out there earning their daily bread, while we’re just here in our own little cocoon, having fun.’

  ‘But to be fair, we live like this all the time,’ he replied. ‘It’s not exactly as if we’ve had to sneak away in our lunch hour for a bit of fun, we can do this anytime we like. You’ve never had to work a day in your life and my days of getting my hands dirty are long gone. I would hazard a guess that with all your family’s land in the country, your afternoons are going to be free for the rest of your life.’

  There was a long pause and then she said softly, ‘Maybe so, but country houses are expensive to run.’

  Jim swigged down his champagne and got out of bed for a refill. He offered her a glass which she refused. He put down the glass and donned his dressing gown which was lying on the back of a chair. He wound up the gramophone that had rundown while they were ... distracted and the sound of the opera tenor provided a gentle background.

  (Okay, you can laugh, yes it was an old, windup gramophone but that was all they had in those days. It’s okay for you modern youngsters who are spoilt for choice with your fancy Dansette record players and your reel-to-reel tape recorders, but this was Victorian times, okay?)

  When he turned back to her she was staring into her glass, lost in her thoughts.

  He went to her and sitting on the bed, took her hand. ‘Fee, is everything all right?’

  She raised her eyes to his and he could see they were full of tears. She put her glass down, pulled him to her and laid her head against his shoulder.

  ‘Fee, what’s wrong?’ he asked, concerned.

  ‘It’s this ... us ... it’s not going to last forever, is it?’

  ‘Well ...’ he said uneasily, ‘I never promised ...’

  ‘That’s not what I meant. The truth is ... my family is broke, all the money’s gone. We’ll probably be thrown out of our e
states by the end of the year.’

  ‘You’re not serious are you?’ he asked, shocked. ‘But your family are known as one of the wealthiest in Albion.’

  Fiona nodded but said nothing. He gently pulled away from her and gave her a handkerchief to wipe her eyes. ‘Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?’

  She blew her nose on the hankie and then told him, ‘We may have been one of the wealthiest once upon a time but my spendthrift father squandered a large part of the family fortune and then when he died, death duties accounted for most of what was left. Poor old mother has barely kept the estate afloat. She has had to quietly sell off all the paintings and objet d’art that father had acquired. And when that money ran out she had to resort to discreetly selling parts of the estate off to local landowners. Now all we have left is the house and a few acres surrounding it but even that is eating up all our remaining money. We may still have the family name and reputation but it’s all a front, the bank accounts are empty and I fear we won’t see out the year.’

  ‘I’m so sorry to hear that,’ Jim told her. ‘Isn’t there anything that can be done?’

  ‘Not unless you want to marry me and keep me and mother in the manner to which we’ve become accustomed,’ she joked, wistfully.

  ‘That wasn’t exactly on the top of my ‘To Do’ list, I’m afraid. Nothing personal, you understand.’

  ‘Of course not,’ she acknowledged.

  ‘Besides, I’m not sure if even I’ve got enough money for that,’ he added.

  Jim stood up, lit another cigarette and wandered around the room, thinking furiously. ‘Wait a minute, I was forgetting,’ he said shortly. ‘What about the Hetheringham Necklace? That’s worth millions. All that your mother, Lady Matilda, has to do is sell that and you’re saved. Well, for the foreseeable future anyway.’

  The Hetheringham Necklace was a world famous item of jewellery. Ten large, perfectly cut, matching diamonds on a 24 carat golden chain, with another diamond, twice the size of the others, hanging down at the front as a pendant. Lord Francis Hetheringham had brought it back from Bharat with him and it was now universally admired as one of the finest pieces of jewellery in the world.

  Fiona put her folded arms on her raised knees and rested her head on them. ‘You don’t understand,’ she muttered with a sigh.

  He stood next to the bed, looking down at her. ‘Fiona, what aren’t you telling me?’

  She looked up at him and her voice took on a desperate quality, ‘Jim, if I tell you this you must swear on your life to never tell anyone.’

  ‘I swear.’

  ‘I mean it Jim, if this got out it would ruin us.’

  ‘Fiona, I give you my word of honour, I won’t repeat anything you tell me to anyone, ever.’

  ‘Mother sold the Hetheringham Necklace off years ago. She’d been selling off some smaller pieces and the dealer she’d been working through made her an offer on the necklace. Said he had a prospective buyer who was interested in it for his private collection. Apparently he’s one of those people who don’t show off their collections, so no one would ever know that the Hetheringhams no longer owned it. The dealer arranged for a perfect copy to be made for mother and so the deal was done.

  ‘For years now she has traded on the fake. Wearing it in public but never letting anyone examine it too closely. She even borrowed money from banks using the fake necklace as collateral. But now we are at the point where there is nothing left to sell but the Hetheringham Necklace and that is a phoney. It will all come out and she will be ruined.’

  ‘Is it insured?’ asked Jim.

  ‘Yes. It was the last thing she did before selling it.’

  ‘Well there you go then, just get someone to steal it and claim on the insurance.’

  ‘Excellent idea, oh wait I forgot, I don’t know anyone capable of breaking into our safe and stealing the necklace. Maybe I could put an advert in the Times ... “Wanted – Robber to take part in major insurance swindle”. That should do the trick, don’t you think?’

  Jim Darby, adventurer, con-man ... and jewel thief, looked down at her and smiled. ‘I think I might be able to help you out there.’

  ***

  Lady Matilda Hetheringham put her teacup down abruptly, stood up and said to Fiona, ‘We do not discuss financial affairs outside the family!’ She walked over to the bay windows and looked out onto the long drive leading towards the country house. Silhouetted against the afternoon sun, Jim could almost see the waves of anger radiating from her.

  ‘But Mother, we’re in trouble and we desperately need help. Mr. Darby may be able to provide that help.’

  ‘What is he, some sort of financial consultant?’ Lady Matilda asked without turning round.

  Jim held up his hand to quieten Fiona and walked over to stand beside Lady Matilda. He knew that anything he said would be rejected in her present mood so he just stood beside her, silently enjoying the view, waiting until she had calmed down enough to turn her head and look at him. Once he had her attention and knew that she was ready to listen, he turned to her and spoke calmly.

  ‘Forgive me for being forward Lady Matilda but I think the best way to deal with this is to be perfectly honest with each other. Your daughter has told me everything about the financial straits you find yourself in. I also know about the Hetheringham Necklace being a phoney.’

  Lady Matilda gasped and shot a look at Fiona but Jim held up his hands. ‘I assure you, your secret is safe with me. I’m not here to judge you; in fact I admire you, I think you’ve done magnificently to manage so far. I’m here to try and help you find a way out this mess.’

  ‘And how do you intend to do that? Buy the necklace? You know it’s worthless.’

  ‘No. I intend to steal it, so you can claim on the insurance.’

  This time Lady Matilda didn’t answer. She just narrowed her eyes and stared shrewdly at Jim.

  ‘You see,’ he continued, ‘when I said we should be perfectly honest with each other; I meant I would be too. One of my ... shall we say, hobbies, is to steal jewellery. I normally only do it from people who are so rich they don’t even notice it or, on the other hand, somebody so repellent and obnoxious that they deserve it. Generally though, I tend to stick to robbing other criminals.

  ‘So, I steal jewellery and you have committed fraud by borrowing against a fake necklace. Neither of us are ‘whiter than white’ so why don’t we accept that and discuss this like adults, to try and find a way out of this situation?’

  ‘I want you to know that even though I am only a Hetheringham by marriage, I take my duty to protect the family and its lands and assets as a sacred duty and I only resorted to these measures out of desperation.’

  ‘If I thought any different, we wouldn’t be having this conversation,’ he assured her.

  Lady Matilda looked at him a moment longer then returned to her seat on the sofa. ‘Did you know Mr. Darby did this sort of thing?’ she asked her daughter.

  ‘No, I only found out after I’d told him of our problems, then he offered his services.’

  Gesturing for Jim to take his seat opposite, Lady Matilda asked him, ‘What do you have in mind Mr. Darby?’

  ‘While I’ve been here the past few days, your daughter has very kindly been showing me around the house and the grounds, especially the study on the first floor where the safe containing the necklace is.

  ‘The way I see it, the only solution to your financial problems is to have the necklace stolen and claim it on the insurance. It’s the only asset you have left. I am prepared to steal it on your behalf and then make it disappear so it will never surface anywhere, ever again. It will be one of those ‘mysteries’ that pass into legend.’

  ‘What about the real owner?’ asked Lady Matilda. ‘What if he is found to have it in his collection? He will be charged with the theft of it.’

  ‘Well, fortunately he hasn’t owned up to being in possession of it so far. This will only make it more certain that he never shows it to anyone.
And if down the line he dies and passes it on to his children, if they have any sense they’ll keep quiet too, thinking he stole it.’

  ‘And what do you get out of this, Mr. Darby?’ Lady Matilda asked him.

  Jim looked at Fiona and then back at Lady Matilda. ‘It puts me in your daughter’s good graces, your Ladyship.’

  ‘And how do you propose to carry out this robbery? It would be a little obvious even to our local police force if I were to just open the safe and you walked off with the necklace.’

  ‘Agreed. That’s why this robbery has to be genuine. I will actually break into the house, open the safe and abscond with the necklace. But as you say, the local police force isn’t stupid. If I took it now, as the only house guest or even if I stayed in the local inn, it would be just too obvious that it was me. Sooner or later they’d catch me out on something.’

  ‘So how do we get around this?’ asked Fiona. ‘I can’t expect you to go to jail for us.’

  ‘What if the house were full of people?’ Jim replied. ‘Suppose you held a ball? Then I’d be just one of many people, all equally likely to be guilty. Or it could be an outsider, taking advantage of the distraction. I haven’t worked out all the finer details yet, I may even need one of you to provide me with an alibi, but that is the basic plan. So, on the face of it, how do you feel about it?’

  Lady Matilda looked at her daughter and then asked Jim, ‘How do we know we can trust you?’

  ‘Trust me to do what, or on the other hand, not to do what? Tell people you’re broke and the necklace is a fake? I could do that now without risking my neck carrying out the robbery. Trust me not to cheat you on the necklace? It’s a fake remember. How can I cheat you on it?’