Saving Us

by Ashley Johnson

  We walk slowly to his room and once he’s inside I look at him. “I’ll be in the other room, if you need anything, ok?”

  “Please don’t leave me Sybil.”

  “I’m not. I’ll be in the other room.”

  He reaches for my hand and holds it tightly. “I don’t want to sleep alone. Please.”

  I sigh knowing he’s drunk and probably won’t remember any of this in the morning. This seems wrong on so many levels, but he’s in need of a friend. Nothing is going to happen. I’ll lay here until he falls asleep then I’ll get up and go to the other room.

  “I’ll stay in here with you.” I tell him.

  He lays down first and turns onto his side. I lay beside him on my back and stare at the ceiling. I wait for his breathing to even out so I can get up but my eyelids betray me and I end up falling asleep.

  ***

  I wake up startled and notice it’s not even daylight yet. Where am I? I suddenly remember when I feel an arm around me and panic rises through me. I look over and Cory’s arm is draped around my waist. I know nothing happened but this feels wrong. Slowly, I try to move his arm. I don’t know if he’ll remember asking me to lie beside him when he wakes and I don’t want it to be awkward.

  I almost have his arm moved when he tightens his hold on me. “Don’t go.”

  I turn to face him and his eyes are half opened. I feel so bad for him but I still would feel better in the other room. “Shh, go back to sleep. I’m going to the other room.”

  “No.” he says not loosening his grip on my waist. I feel like I can’t tell him no so I relax and stare at the ceiling until I fall asleep again.

  Daylight comes through the window a few hours later. Cory’s arm is still around my waist but he’s slowly stirring which means he’s waking up. I hold my breath as he stretches out, I’m finally free from his hold so I slowly pick my head up.

  He looks at me and offers a weak smile, “Thank you for last night.” His face looks somber for a moment as he quietly asked, “Nothing happened, you know between us?”

  “No,” I quickly answer. “You asked me to lay here with you, so I did. That’s all.”

  “Thank you.” Is all he says as he slowly stands.

  “I’ll make some coffee.” I say once I feel the awkwardness in the room. This is what I wanted to avoid.

  He nods his head and walks into the bathroom. I make a pot of coffee and wait for him to emerge from the bathroom.

  Chapter 24

  Three Weeks Later

  Cory

  Sybil has stayed with me every day since the day after Megan died. She’s been my rock, she’s been everything to me. Last week, I helped her pack all of her and Caleb’s things. His stuff went to storage and her stuff moved into my apartment. She sleeps in the spare room for the most part, with the exception of a few times where I’ve been too drunk and begged her to stay with me. She never argues and nothing ever happens. I’ve noticed her looking at me sometimes. Our eyes meet occasionally but she’s always the first to break contact. I notice things about her that I never have before. Like how her eyes shine when she talks about something she’s really passionate about. An example of that would be the kids in the school she visits once a week. She’s sad the semester is about to end but she’s also one step closer to being in a classroom of her own and I know she can’t wait to do that. I also notice how she gets aggravated when she can’t do something, like open the jar of spaghetti sauce. I got up to help her and she finally got it but dropped the jar and sauce splattered all over both of us. I laughed at her and she glared at me before laughing too.

  I shouldn’t be looking at her the way I do, but I can’t help it. There’s just something about her, there’s always been something about her but I never paid attention to it because she had Caleb and I had Megan. I feel dirty knowing Megan was onto me, it wasn’t supposed to be this way.

  Sybil's already gone for the day, off to the school. She quit the bookstore after everything happened and she’s been happier since. My class got canceled for the day so I decide to stay home and clean. Yeah, I feel like a pansy for cleaning but Sybil has been doing all the cooking and frankly, she’s spoiling me. I need to step up and do something to help her out. She’s helped pull me out of the rut I’d fallen into. Many a night over the past three weeks, she’s had to come and help me when I’d drank myself into an oblivion at the bar. I’ve been banned from Frank’s. I don’t really blame them. I never caused any problems, but I guess they didn’t want to deal with a sappy drunk.

  I’m waiting to see if she will avoid me today. I crossed the line last night, I was drunk but I knew what I was doing. I kissed her. I pressed my lips against hers and softly kissed her goodnight. She didn’t kiss me back, she didn’t do anything. She just rolled over and went to bed. This morning she was gone before I woke up. I guess she thinks I won’t remember any of it, but I remember just how soft her lips were and how badly I wanted to see what she tastes like.

  I’m a shitty best friend. I made him one promise and I have fulfilled it to the best of my abilities but at the same time, I can’t help but notice these feelings and I feel like I’m betraying him. He’s not here though. I never would have thought to make a move on her. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way but she’s making me feel whole again and she doesn’t even realize it. I can’t let her know this though. It would surely scare her off and I don’t think I could survive without her here with me.

  The apartment is clean and I take a step back smiling at my progress. I just hope she’s happy with it too. I’d try to make dinner but I don’t want to fuck that up. I haven’t cooked in weeks and honestly am not feeling up to it but what the hell. I take some steaks out of the freezer and begin to thaw them out. I’ll make her steaks and baked potatoes. She deserves a break.

  Thunder rumbles outside and within a matter of minutes, there’s a torrential downpour outside. The rain falls down in thick sheets and I can’t help but wonder if she has an umbrella with her. Caleb’s parent’s insisted on buying her a car after everything happened. They told her to consider it an early graduation present. They surprised her with a black Volkswagen Jetta. The car is sleek and elegant and she looks beautiful driving it, but I can’t tell her that either.

  The front door flies in and I look to see a soaking wet Sybil standing in the doorway. She trips over her own feet and comes flying forward. I’m just at arm’s length so I’m able to catch her. I steady her with my arm and her body stiffens. Her hair is matted against her head and she looks like she got caught in the middle of it all.

  “Why didn’t you call? I could have met you with an umbrella.” I tell her.

  “I wasn’t going to ask you to come to campus Cory, I’m fine. It’s just rain.” She says pulling away once she’s steadied herself.

  “You should go change before you get sick.” I whisper. She was so close I could practically taste her and it’s affecting me in the worst way.

  She nods her head and walks to her room to change. Moments later, she emerges in a pair of pink capri sweatpants and a t-shirt. Her hair is pulled up in a messy bun and she’s relaxed. Perfectly relaxed.

  “Something smells good. Did you cook Cory?” she smiles.

  “It’s nothing, just thought I’d help out. You’ve done so much for me.” I tell her.

  “We’re friends that’s what friends do.” She replies as she walks up to look at the steaks. She leans up on her tiptoes taking in the smell of the food. A smile comes across her face and she turns to face me. “These look amazing.”

  “Thanks,” I say with a genuine smile. “It’s ready when you’re hungry.”

  She licks her lips and turns to face me. “Let’s dig in.”

  I grab two plates out of the cabinet and hand one to her so she can fix her plate first. I grab two beers out of the refrigerator and meet her at the table.

  We eat in silence but I don’t mind at all. I just like having her around. Once we finish eating, we never actually get up
from the table. We just sit and drink beer after beer. The more she drinks, the more she smiles and dammit I love her smile. She reaches for her purse and pulls out a bag of Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate Squares. I look at her funny and she smiles.

  “You want one? I have to warn you though, it’s got raspberry in it. I discovered these babies last week. I cannot live without them.”

  “You sure you can spare one then? I’d hate to have to scoop you up off the floor because you lost out on a chocolate.” Who am I kidding, I’d love to scoop her up off her feet, the floor, it doesn’t really matter to me.

  She flips me off and laughs as she holds a chocolate square in her hand. She extends the hand across the table and I reach for it. My hand lingers on hers a moment longer than planned and her eyes meet mine. I wonder if she even feels what I do, probably not. I wish I could explain this, but I can’t. What the hell would Caleb and Megan think? I can’t linger on that though because they aren’t here. We’re left to pick up the pieces and maybe she’s what I need, but am I what she needs?

  ***

  Sybil

  Something funny shoots through my veins as Cory’s hand sits on top of mine. This can’t be happening. His eyes linger on mine and I feel my breath hitch. It is happening. His fingers wrap around the chocolate and he pulls his hand away. My hand immediately feels cold and alone, but I play it off as I reach for another chocolate square for myself. I pop it into my mouth and chase it with a sip of beer. I watch as he tastes the chocolate, the melodic rhythm of his jaw moving up and down as he chews it mesmerizes me. The way he licks his lips afterwards, sends chills down my spine, especially when I see that he is watching me as he does it. What the hell is happening to us?

  I can feel the tension rising and I try to shrug it off. I grab the empty beer bottles and stand to throw them in the trashcan. When I turn back around, Cory is standing right behind me. A lump forms in my throat as he lifts his hand to rub the side of my face. My body shudders at his touch and I don’t know how to react to this. Do I want this? I can’t get another thought through my head before his lips come crashing down on mine. His kiss is soft, like the one last night. I tried to forget that one because I know he was drunk. I hoped he had forgotten about it but it doesn’t seem that way right now. I don’t want to kiss him back, we can’t do this, but my lips betray me and slowly kiss him back. My brain finally registers through the few beers that this is wrong and I break away. He stares at me, panting, his eyes burning with something way different than I’ve ever seen. What does he want from me?

  “Cory, what are you doing?”

  “I had to see what you taste like.” He whispers.

  His words shake me to my core and I have to grab ahold of the counter to steady myself. I try to erase his words from my memory but they are etched inside. His eyes turn sad as he continues to look at me.

  “I upset you, didn’t I?” he asks.

  “I don’t understand Cory. I thought last night was just a drunken mistake. This, this isn’t right.” I stutter as I try to catch my breath.

  “I’m sorry,” he says running his hands through his hair. “I won’t do it again, I swear.”

  “I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning, ok? Thanks for dinner, it was delicious.” With that said, I squeeze past him and close my eyes as I walk towards my room. Once I get inside, I lock the door and place my fingers on my lips.

  He knew what he was doing tonight, and God, his lips felt amazing, his kiss was toxic, but so wrong on so many levels. Does he really look at me like that or is he just lonely? I didn’t move in to be a convenience for him. I turn around and flip the light switch off before walking to the bed. I climb in and don’t even bother to mess with the covers. I lie there thinking about what happened and I need to get away. I can’t let this ruin our friendship and he needs to see that.

  I turn the lamp on beside my bed and pull a notebook out of my backpack. Tears fill my eyes as I begin to write a note to him. I have it all figured out in my head as I continue to write. I’ll call Caleb’s parents in the morning and see if I can stay the night with them. Removing myself from this equation now seems to be the easiest choice and he will see that it is for the best. If I have to stay longer, I will, but I need him to realize what he’s done and what the potential consequences could be. The look in his green eyes in the kitchen burn into me as I finish the letter. I know he will be upset to read it, but I’m only doing what I think is best and I can only hope he will respect that.

  I finish the note and fold it into two. I set my alarm earlier than normal so I can be gone before he wakes. I grab one of my chocolate squares out of my purse and place it beside the note. Maybe if he sees this beside it, he won’t take it so harshly.

  Writing this note shouldn’t have hurt, but it does. I made sure I chose all my words carefully. I know the minute he reads it, he’ll be trying to get ahold of me. Thankfully, I will be at the elementary school in the morning so I won’t be able to check my phone but I am fully prepared for it to be full of messages from him when I get to it.

  Oh Cory, what have you done? That’s all I can think as I roll over onto my side and close my eyes. Morning will be here too soon and I almost wish it wasn’t coming.

  Chapter 25

  Cory

  I sit back at the table and drink until there isn’t a single beer left in the fridge. I knew damn good and well what I was doing and I just went with it. When she kissed me back, my damn heart fluttered but it stopped when she broke the kiss. I thought she would want this, it seemed right, but now, I’m second guessing it all. I have to talk to her in the morning and get her to forgive me. I’ll tell her whatever is necessary to keep her here. If I hadn’t drank the rest of the beer, I probably would have grabbed my keys and left, but I know better.

  I stand up and walk towards my room. I stop in front of her door and I touch the doorknob. I attempt to slowly turn it, but the door is locked. I can even see that the light is off so I hang my head and retreat to my room. I lie down and stare at the ceiling and all I can think about is her.

  ***

  My alarm is going off and man, I hate that sound. I reach over and turn it off groaning as I attempt to sit up. The smell of coffee hits me and my feet hit the floor. Slowly, I stalk towards the hall. I left my door open, not sure why. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I thought she may have come in but she didn’t. Her door is open and she isn’t in there. The bed is made and there are no traces of her anywhere. My feet move towards the kitchen and I hope she’s sitting at the table drinking her morning coffee, but still no sign of her. I just want to know that Sybil is ok.

  Mentally, I scream at myself but I stop when I see a note sitting on the table. Beside the note is one of her dark chocolate raspberry squares. I stare at the note scared to pick it up. I don’t know what it says and I’m not sure I want to know. Carefully I pick up the folded paper and begin to open it. My world seems to fall apart as I read the words:

  Cory, I’m not sure what’s going on. I wish I knew an easy way to deal with this, but I just don’t know. I’m trying to say this as nicely as I can. Here it goes, I don’t see how anything could ever happen with us. We’re friends, that’s it…right? I won’t be home tonight. I’m going to stay with Caleb’s parents. Please don’t come after me. I need to sort through this and you should too. You’re one of the only friends I have and don’t want this friendship to be ruined. I hope you understand. ~~ Sybil

  I read the words over and over again. She’s not coming back. She says she’s only going to be gone a night, but for some reason, I don’t believe that at all. I scared her off with my testosterone and now I’ve really lost everything. I crumble the note and throw it in the trashcan. The chocolate sits on the table and I leave it there. If that’s the last thing I ever have from her, I’ll keep it forever.

  I grab my phone and stare at it fighting the urge to text her. I know she’s at the school this morning. Every week she looks forward to being with the kids and
I know she won’t have her phone on her, but I know she will be able to check it periodically. I toss my phone back down, I don’t want to sound desperate.

  I drink a cup of coffee before going to take a shower. I let the water wash all the pain away and then get ready for class. I hate going to school now because all I can think about is how fucked up this semester has been. School was supposed to be a safe place and Sybil managed to get tangled up with the devil. We haven’t heard from or seen Blaine since a few weeks ago. If I ever see him again, he better pray we aren’t alone. I’ll never forgive him for what he did to her.

  I drive to campus and begin the walk to my first class. It’s amazing how quickly things change. One minute you think things are going one way and in the blink of an eye they turn in the opposite direction and you’re being pulled away. I’m being pulled towards Sybil, but she’s running away. I don’t understand this at all. I walk into my law class and sit down waiting on the professor. I can’t concentrate at all but I manage to pass the test we’re having.

  I leave as soon as the test is completed and pull my phone from my pocket as I walk to my next class. I stare at her name and let the events of last night fill my head. I have to fix this, it’s my fuck up.

  Me: Sybil, I’m so sorry. I just want you to know that. I was wrong.

  I know she won’t be texting back so I stick my phone back in my pocket and pray that I can get through the rest of this day. I don’t know what I’d do if she never spoke to me again. I’ve crossed so many lines, a crossword puzzle is jealous and I’m more than aware there is no going back.

  ***

  Sybil

  There’s nothing more rewarding than being able to walk into this school every week. I’ve fallen in love with being around the students and I’m sad that next week is my last visit of the semester. Being here today was the best thing I could have done. I’ve had no time to think about the kiss or anything else for that matter. I check my phone around lunch time when I finally have a moment to breathe. There’s one message from Cory, funny I expected more from him but I also know he isn’t the kind to push buttons. He’ll give me whatever space I need and I thank him for that. If he were to push me, I’d have to make a hard decision and completely walk away from him.