Love's Vengeance

by Dana Roquet

  His men were as happy to see Desiree, he noted, as the men on shore were sad to see her go. Most stood about smiling broadly or voicing their relief that she was unharmed.

  Davison rushed up, “May I show the lady below Cap?” he asked grinning at Desiree before giving his captain his full attention.

  “Yes see to her comfort.” Stephen directed, watching her wave once more to the men on shore. He continued to observe her as she stopped to say a greeting to some of his men and wave shyly at others she passed heading aft until she disappeared below.

  Stephen strode to the helm as he ordered, “Secure the sloop Harper. Baker—Carter—weigh anchor. Let’s be about the sheets Ham.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The light breeze of the late summer morning brought a chill to Desiree as she stood on the main deck, watching the coast of America. Arms folded across her midsection could not still the shivers that possessed her. Her light garb lent nothing to warmth.

  Behind her, Stephen observed her for a moment, while bringing his yearning under control. Although her body was clad in the plain garb of a household servant and looked almost childlike, he could see the womanly curve of a slender hip as she leaned against the railing. Her full breasts were bound and restrained in the tight bodice and he knew only too well the treasures hidden beneath the garment and ached with the thought.

  Desiree gasped as the warm cloak came about her shoulders and turning, she looked up into Stephen’s eyes.

  “I thought you might be in need of this.” He said without expression.

  “Merci—I’m afraid I am a bit ill-prepared.” Desiree said with a soft smile, her eyes caught in the depths of his.

  “Soon we shall be to Portsmouth and you shall have your own articles. Until then, please accept mine in loan.”

  He turned and was gone, as abruptly as he had come and Desiree watched him go, finding herself wishing he would return. She turned away from him and looked back out to the land passing by, remembering other times when they would have spoken endlessly.

  ***

  Night closed in and the room was shrouded in shadows. Desiree sat in one of the chairs at the table, reading by candlelight from a book loaned to her by Ham, as she had each night; the soft groaning of the Windward her only company. The trip was beginning to grow stressful—interminably long, although they were still early in the voyage back to the colonies. Stephen had been behaving in a very polite, very formal fashion. They avoided one another whenever possible but the conflict was there, just below the surface and she felt that it was building to an inevitable confrontation, sometime soon.

  The quiet of her thoughts were interrupted by familiar footfalls in the hall, coming close and stopping outside her door. She held her breath, as if the sound could be heard from without. The steps moved off and she released her breath, causing the flame of the candle before her to quiver.

  ***

  More time passed and still no words had been exchanged. Desiree spoke with some of the crew during her days, telling them of her time on the island and they related their ordeal with the calm, which had delayed their arrival. Each night, after retiring, she would lie in her small berth, wishing she could somehow start a conversation with Stephen to air some of their differences. But could not think of a casual way to do so and she also knew, it could be a painful mistake. Her resentment of him ran deep and churning up the past might only make matters worse.

  With each passing night, Stephen would pace about his cabin like a caged cat. The strain was becoming almost too great to bear. He was keeping his distance, avoiding a confrontation but his loneliness for the want of her, was maddening. To have her with him once more and still so distant caused his mind to race feverishly on how to put an end to this misery.

  ***

  Another evening came and once again Desiree perked to footfalls in the hall. Once more they stopped and she waited for them to continue before sighing with relief but this time the steps did not proceed and a light knock upon the door set her heart to racing.

  “Who is it?” she called, knowing full well the only person it would be.

  “Stephen—may I speak with you for a moment please?”

  Desiree closed her book and turned to face the door, “Come in.”

  The door closed softly and Stephen leaned against it with a sober expression upon his face, “Desiree—we must have this out at last. I should like to come to some conclusion.”

  Desiree wrung her hands nervously in her lap, “I thought we were at a conclusion some time ago Captain.”

  “Could I please sit down and discuss this calmly?” he asked, gesturing with his eyes, the chair opposite her.

  “No!” she said with more force than intended as her fear of him came upon her. She pointed a trembling finger at him, “That is fine right where you are. Please say what you have on your mind.” Her voice was trembling as much as her body for she was realizing the folly of allowing him admittance too late, for if he were contemplating rape, she would be at his mercy, here in the privacy of the cabin.

  Stephen sighed heavily, resting his hands low upon his hips, “How on earth can you be in such fear of me? You know me Desiree! If you would believe it, you know me better than any woman has ever known me.” He shook his head in frustration.

  Desiree’s smile was brittle, her anger beginning to flare, overtaking all other emotion, “The fact that I was raped by you not so very long ago must have slipped your mind! So easily forgotten Captain?” she queried snidely, her eyebrows lifting vehemently.

  “Oh of course!” he spat, standing away from the door and touching his temples, his voice coming thick with sarcasm and feigned sympathy, “The agony I put you through! Is that it my dear? I'd forgotten how terrible that attack had been!” he flung up a hand, outraged, “Tell me—have your wounds from such abuse healed?”

  Desiree could make no reply. Her eyes lowered in embarrassment as she recalled the gentle encounter.

  “What passed between us could hardly be named rape! Not by any stretch of the imagination! That argument is becoming rather worn, my sweet but once again I shall remind you, as it seems to have slipped your mind, that it turned to a most tender and rewarding encounter for both of us. I doubt very much you suffered physically!” he raised his brows, mocking her—daring her to disagree.

  “Stephen I enjoyed the magic we shared that night I admit that—but suffer I have. You took from me that which was my gift alone to give—to the man of my choice. You stole it from me without a thought! You sacrificed the feelings I’d had for you—for your own lust! I had felt at home in your company. I had cared for you—I—I had trusted you!”

  “I see—and now you feel you may not do so?”

  “Now I feel only fear and mistrust! I don’t want you here—alone with me. I’m quaking inside at the thought you might somehow deceive me again and once more I shall fall victim to you.” She confessed with feeling.

  “Deceive you! Never did I deceive you! I wore my longing for you upon my sleeve, where anyone could see it if they would but open their eyes!” he shouted.

  “Oh I should have been more observant, I’ll not deny that and suffer I have for that oversight!”

  When he chuckled sarcastically, with a shake of his head, Desiree grabbed the book off the table, flinging it at him.

  “Don’t you dare laugh at me!” she spat.

  He caught the book easily with one hand, glaring at her as she continued.

  “Tell me this Captain—did you even care to consider that I might be burdened with your bastard—that I might be growing heavy with your child?”

  His eyes narrowed and the anger and sarcasm left his voice as he spoke, “Are you saying you are with child? My child?”

  He took a step toward her but Desiree held up her hand as if to hold him away and he halted, “No I assure you I am not. But had that thought crossed your mind before this moment? I think not! You simply sailed away without a care in the world. To you it was merely a ple
asant interlude but it was a constant torture for me.”

  In spite of her frantic gestures, he came across the space separating them in an instant and placing a hand upon the table, glared down into her eyes, “You are the one who so easily tossed me aside—not I!” he roared, slamming the book down upon the table top, setting the candlestick to teetering. “I too had felt a comfort and trust with you Desiree. I made a terrible mistake that night, I admit that but I made love to you—because I care for you! Not to hurt you—but to bring us closer together! You set yourself against me and tore to shreds all that we had shared. I assure you—had you allowed me I would have been at your side even now. Had you found you, indeed, carried my seed, then again I would have been there and if you would have bore a bastard into this world, it would have been over my dead body! Against my better judgment I am going to admit, I have thought of nothing but you since we parted company—unable to rout you from my mind!”

  Desiree laughed caustically, determined not to allow herself to be tricked again, “Stephen I am not a fool—please don’t treat me as such! What of the trollop you visited your first night in port? Will you tell me your mind was filled with noble thoughts concerning me as you mounted her form?”

  “I must be a fool to put this bit of ammunition within your grasp,” he ground out, “but I never met the wench. I’ve not touched another woman—I could not even attempt such! You have cast your spell upon me and all others pale beside you! I am not a man to go without feminine companionship but go without, I have.”

  “You wish for me to be your mistress then and allow you relief at your leisure? Ha! I want none of it.” Desiree stood as she spoke, her eyes aflame with rage and stormed across the cabin, turning back to face him.

  “Again you presume incorrectly! I care for you, I want only a chance to…”

  Desiree covered her ears with her hands, squeezing her eyes shut, refusing to listen, “You lust me—by your own admission and I do not doubt that for an instant! But don’t ply me with lies! Don’t say that you care!” she raged, opening her eyes and clenching her fists at her sides, “You know that I am unable to battle you if you decide to take me again! I am at your mercy! Trapped on your own ship and as you told me before you are master here! So don’t act as though I have a choice in the matter! Why try to blind me with your feigned honesty? In hopes I will fall into your arms willingly?”

  “I have never duped you as you seem to believe. I am and always have been honest…”

  “Stephen,” Desiree interrupted him rudely, “I hold dear my trusting nature and deplore deceit, so give me none of yours. If you are so determined, then take me—and be done with it but give me no more of your lies!”

  Frantically with trembling fingers Desiree loosed the small buttons at the front of her plain beige dress, shrugging it off her shoulders. It dropped at her feet in a heap and she kicked it away standing in only her short shift.

  “I cannot afford another rent and useless gown—mine are few! Go ahead—have your sport but play no further pretense for I am no longer so gullible. And it shall be rape Stephen, nothing more. No matter what you force my body to experience, it is against my will—it shall be rape!”

  Stephen’s gaze raked her form with long starved passion aching in his loins and he could feel his heart beating at a thundering rate within his chest. He lifted his eyes to hers as Desiree moved and took a pace toward him. He watched as a tear traced slowly down her face.

  Desiree felt as though her heart might break as she waited for the assault. She closed her eyes, waiting for his lust to strip away all the words he had just spoken. He moved and she tensed, her eyes flying open, expecting to see his handsome face looming before her but instead, he lifted a hand and gently wiped the tear from her cheek and then he walked around her and at the door, he turned back to face her. His expression was unreadable but his voice as he began speaking was surprisingly gentle.

  “For weeks I have been plagued with you—in my waking and in my sleeping; you—forever on my mind and in my blood. And yes,” he nodded, his voice rising slightly with anger, “I lust you! And I awake from dreams of you within my arms, to the reality of a cold empty place beside me. I’ll not deny it Desiree—I could take you to your pallet this moment and possess you as I have longed to. My passion is at a fevered pitch that cannot, it seems, be satisfied by other than you. My body aches for you. My desire refuses to accept any other or any less—than you.” He impatiently drew a deep breath as he searched for the right words, “But I’ll not take you this way; to further your cause and drive a wedge deeper between us. I want more of you Desiree. I want your warm smiles and your laughter. I want you beside me, sharing your thoughts and stories. I want to feel welcomed to join you in conversation in the early morning hours. I want to comfort you when you are in need and yes—I want to take you in my arms and give you the best that I know how.” He paused again; then lifted his brows in a slight shrug, “I have so much regret regarding that night, because I lost you because of it. But I am no less now, than you believed me to be before I took you that night. I am just a man Desiree. No different from any other man. I showed you another side of me that night and you chose to forget all else I had been. My passion is but another part of who I am. All else you knew of me still remains. I am still as I was those many days on this ship, when you sought me out for my company and I sought you out for yours. I want to share all with you, including my passion and I want you to again share all with me that you once did—without reservation.”

  Desiree stood in stunned silence and he shook his head, turned and left the room, closing the door softly behind him. She was unable to tear her eyes from the portal, as though he were still standing there. The hurt and anger, turning to shame and guilt, as her tears began to fall in earnest. She had given him no credit for conscience and he had shown that he was worthy of that credit and more. She looked about the room, engulfed in the loneliness she felt with him gone and then in misery, flung herself upon her bed.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  The next morning was as all the others. Desiree rose and donned a lightweight dress and Stephen’s cloak and took her morning air alone. She walked about mid ship, listening to the howl of the wind in the sails above her and then looked to the helm, to Stephen’s dark piercing eyes. After a few moments, she relented, letting her eyes drop and hurrying below to her cabin.

  She slammed the door and leaned against it heavily. What was she to do? Toss her morals by the wayside and fall into his arms—continue as they were and be trapped for possibly months on his island in constant conflict?

  He had not mentioned love, only desire. Nor had he offered her any inkling of a permanent situation. No mention of marriage. He wanted her but with no strings attached. He must realize she would be considered tainted now. She could not go into a respectable marriage without her innocence. She felt her anger rising again with that thought and squelched it before it took hold.

  He had said he would have been with her still, would not have shirked his responsibility had she conceived. In fact, he had said she would not have bore a bastard—but then, the words were spoken when he knew he would not be required to act, so rang hollow. He had denied he wished her to be his mistress and yet had not suggested just what title she would be given for her part. She realized he had not given any answers she could take as an honorable solution.

  If she had a quicker wit, she could have answered yes when asked if she were with child, simply to see what offer he had in mind—surely not financial support for his child and herself. He was well aware of her financial security and that she would not be in need of his charity. The only possible proposal he could have suggested would have been marriage.

  “Enough fanciful musings!” she chided herself silently, “Your options are simple—forget your morals, your upbringing and the risk of indeed taking his seed and go to him—or leave it as is and wipe him from your mind!” And on considering the two, the most distasteful by far, was the latter. S
he wanted to go to him, throw caution to the wind and be taken in his arms and consumed.

  Dare she attempt to ask him of his feelings? Could she go to him, call a lie her former words, and claim to be with child to find his true intent? Could she go to him and speak honestly of the fears she had and the longings she felt and live with herself after? What did she know of this man after all? True she had thought she had come to know his moods fairly well but to know him better than any woman as he claimed? She felt she knew precious little and was unsure of his true nature. Was he merely a charming rake? Was he sincere?

  When the day drew to an end and the night fell, Desiree was still undecided and she stared into a candle flame as she sat at her small table, rehearsing possible conversations within her mind.

  ***

  The light thrown by a single candle at the bedside stand cast shadows upon the timbers above Stephen, where he lay on his pallet, his head resting upon his folded arms, his mind filled with Desiree. Perhaps he had made a fatal mistake last evening, he thought dejectedly, missing an opportunity to ease the ache in his loins, for no purpose but to trap himself within his words. Once he had unknowingly given up all of Desiree for the want of her form beneath his own and now, he had given up that one attainable aspect for the want of more and again he was the loser.

  He had not realized she would still be so vehement toward him but it appeared her hatred had grown to include an irrational fear and kind of hopeless resignation that she had no choice where he was concerned. Well, he had done and said all that he could, he could do no more.

  His eyes were drawn to the door where a slight creak of the hinges announced an entry. Desiree moved within and closed the door behind her. She leaned against it watching him silently for a time; then slowly moved across the room to stand next to the bed. He did not make a move, fearing she might flee. He waited on her to proceed.