Norby The Mixed-Up Robot

by Isaac Asimov

  "That shows how inefficient the fleet is," Norby said. " Anyone can rifle its stores."

  "Don't tell me the fleet is-" began Fargo. He broke off and said, "What kind of robot have you got here, Jeff? Robots have a built-in prohibition about harming human beings. It's called the First Law of Robotics."

  "There's another sample of gratitude for you," Norby said. "I suppose you would have been happy if that mugger had used the stunner on you. You didn't even recognize what it was when it was lying on the grass. Come to think of it, he probably couldn't have managed to stun you with it. If you don't have a brain, there's nothing to stun."

  "Listen here," said Fargo, "a robot shouldn't be insulting!" He strode toward the robot, who galloped toward Jeff.

  "Leave him alone, Fargo," Jeff said. "He doesn't really hurt human beings."

  "Of course not," said Norby. "It's not my fault I fell on one of them. It was Jeff who said 'Bombs away.' And I was just trying to protect human beings-meaning you, Fargo, using the word loosely-by seizing the truth wand before the mugger did. How did I know it was set to ~e stun intensity? And I didn't mean to touch him accidentally. Listen, Jeff, I don't trust that dumb brother of yours. Is he on our side?"

  "Yes, he is," said Jeff. "And he's not dumb."

  "Well, he worries about my hurting muggers, and he doesn't worry about the fact that he's hurting my feelings, and I call that dumb."

  "He doesn't know you yet. And he doesn't know how sensitive your feelings are."

  Fargo asked, "Why is your robot talking to you, Jeff, while he's facing me with his eyes closed?"

  "His eyes are open on this side," Jeff said. "He has a double-ended head with a pair of eyes on each side. I bought him at the store you recommended."

  "Which has a proprietor," said Norby, "who is seriously dishonest-and stupid. He tried to cheat Jeff."

  "You mean that the proprietor stuck you with that barrel, Jeff?"

  "No," said Jeff. "I insisted on having Norby. He sort of… appealed to me. Actually, the proprietor tried to keep me from taking him."

  "Really? It appealed to you? And this robot calls me dumb?"

  "Listen, Fargo. Don't call the robot 'it.' This robot's name is Norby, and he's a very unusual robot. He's just a little mixed up."

  "You weren't going to tell anyone about me," wailed Norby.

  "Fargo isn't just anyone. He's my brother. He's part of us. Besides, saying you 're mixed up isn't telling. Fargo is going to find that out after he's been with you for five minutes. With you around, it's got to be the worst-kept secret in the world."

  "There you go hurting my feelings again," said Norby. "Just because I'm a poor, put-upon robot, you think you can say anything at all to me."

  "Let's stop this love feast," Fargo said drily. "We have more important things to do. For instance, our captives are about to wake up. You'd better use the stunner, Jeff."

  "We've got to get them to talk, Fargo, and we can't do that if they're stunned. Norby, tie them up before they're completely awake."

  "With what?" asked Norby. "I may be a mixed-up robot, but I'm not so mixed up that I can tie up people without rope. Do I look as though I'm carrying rope on my person?"

  "Use this," Fargo said, tossing Norby a coiled wire. "This was going to be a fancy solstice celebration in keeping with family tradition, but what with one thing and another we won't have any at all."

  "What has the wire got to do with the solstice?" Jeff asked.

  "Never mind," said Fargo loftily. "I'll surprise you next year. That is," he added with a sigh, "if we get to next year-what with one thing and another."

  Norby, meanwhile, with surprising efficiency, tied the hands of the captured pursuers tightly behind their backs with the single length of wire so that they were tied to each other as well. He then closed up again and appeared to be just a barrel resting on the grass beside Jeff.

  "Give me the wand," said Fargo.

  Jeff hesitated. "Don't you think we'd better get the police? Even in Manhattan, civilians are not supposed to take the law into their own hands."

  "This is my affair," said Fargo, "And I'll handle the police if it comes to that. "He took the wand from his younger brother, who gave it up with obvious reluctance, and waved it in front of the two men. "Welcome to the world, gentlemen. First, your names."

  The two men clamped their mouths shut, but at the first touch of the wand, the big, burly one yelped. Then, with a growl, he said, "I'm Fister. That's Sligh."

  "Ah," said Fargo. " A sly spy?"

  "Spelled S-L-I-G-H," said Sligh. "And you can't keep us, Wells. The longer you do, the worse it will be for you in the end-and for your brother, too. I warn you."

  "Warning noted," Fargo said. "But before I cower in terror and let you go, let's find out a few things." He adjusted the wand. "You won't get hurt now unless you lie. Telling the truth pleases a wand like this-and do keep in mind that this is your wand I'm using. Any illegality in this respect is on your side." He prodded Sligh. "First, I'd like to know who Ing is, and what he looks like. Is he by any chance a beautiful woman? That might make things a little better. "

  "I don't know," said Sligh. He was-or had been-neatly dressed in brown, with slicked-back hair and a long, sharp face.

  Fargo continued prodding, but when Sligh didn't flicker an eyelash, Fargo said a little discontentedly. "Odd! You must be telling the truth, unless the wand is malfunctioning. Are you fully determined to tell me the truth, then?"

  "Sure," said Sligh, and almost immediately cried out, "Yipe!" and writhed a bit.

  "No, I guess the wand is not malfunctioning, so you'd better tell the truth unless you like the sensation you just felt. That goes for you, too, Fister. Very well, then, Sligh, you don't know what Ing looks like. Does that mean you've seen him only in disguise or that you've never seen him at all?"

  "No one's ever seen him," said Fister hoarsely.

  "Shut up," said Sligh.

  "What's Ing's ultimate goal?"

  There was a pause, and Sligh's face contorted itself.

  "The truth, Sligh Fox," said Fargo. "Even trying to lie hurts when the wand nudges you."

  "There is actually no need to lie," said Sligh with a growl. "You know what Ing is after. He wants to head the Solar System-for its own good."

  "Of course, for its own good," said Fargo. "I wouldn't think for a moment that he's thinking of his own good, or that you're thinking of your own good. You're all just a noble bunch of patriots thinking only of others. I suppose you want to replace the more-or-less democratic Federation with a more autocratic type of government."

  "A more efficient one with more determined leadership. Yes, it will do Ing good, and me good, too, but it will do everyone good. I'm telling the truth; the wand isn't touching me."

  "That just means you believe what you say to be the truth. I'll give you credit for kidding yourself into thinking you're noble. Maybe Ing feels that way, too, though I doubt it, and wish I had him under the wand. What will you call Ing when he's won out? King Ing? Queen Ing? Boss Ing? Leader? Lord? Emperor?"

  "Whatever Ing chooses."

  "And how is Ing planning to accomplish all this? Where do I come in?"

  Sligh squirmed. "Anyone opposing Ing would have to be negated or converted. You would be an ideal convert."

  "You hoped to do it by applying this wand long and hard."

  "That would just keep you quiet and cooperative till we took you away. We have other methods for the actual conversion."

  "No doubt, but there's more to it," said Fargo. "You weren't after me until quite recently. I wonder why?"

  "It would not be advisable for me to tell you."

  "I'm sure you believe that, so it's not a lie, is it? Yes, you can avoid pain by telling truths that reveal nothing. On the other hand, perhaps I don't need your revelation. I suspect that Ing's plan is to take over Space Command, first of all. Once that is in his control, he can maneuver easily to take over the Federation itself. And it has recently occurr
ed to him that I would be an ideal person to infiltrate the command and betray Admiral Yobo. After all, the admiral is my friend and trusts me, and I am badly in need of money, and that need will make it easier for me to be converted. In fact, there's your 'other method' for conversion. Plain, old-fashioned bribery. Am I right?"

  Sligh hesitated only briefly. "All I can say is that Ing has plenty of money, and he is generous with those he considers his friends."

  Jeff broke in suddenly. "Fargo, that's not all-"

  "Shut up, Jeff. Now, Mister Sligh, I am turning the truth wand on myself. See, I haven't changed the setting."

  "Yes. So what?"

  "I'm going to tell you something, and if it isn't the truth, I'll feel what you felt when you tried to lie. Do you think I can hide it? Do you think I'm tougher than you are?"

  "No," snarled Sligh.

  "Very well. I'm telling you that there is no chance of converting me. I'm out of the fleet and I don't care, because I've got other things to do, but my brother's only ambition is to be in the fleet and serve Space Command someday. He's not like me. He's only fourteen, though he's tall for his age, but he's already shown that he's dead serious and reliable. Nothing will make him side with Ing, and nothing will make me do anything to spoil his plans. So give up on both of us."

  "Is that wand still turned on?" said Sligh.

  "Jeff, ask me a question I can lie to."

  "Are you interested in women, Fargo?"

  "Not at all," said Fargo, who then let out a wild cry and dropped the wand. "Did you have to ask me for that big a lie?" he said, holding both sides. His eyes were watering.

  Then, as the pain abated, he said to Sligh, "Now let's get back to you and Ing. Tell me-"

  Jeff interrupted. "Something's coming."

  The soft whirring noise of an antigrav motor sounded not too far away, and in a moment there was a blue-and-white police car hovering overhead. Its searchlight was aimed down at the shaded clearing where the sun, still low on the horizon, had not yet penetrated.

  A directed and magnified sound beam came down sharply, its loudness carrying all the overtones of authority: "We are answering a general distress call, giving these coordinates. No one move. We are the police."

  Fargo at once stepped away from the two bound figures, dropped the truth wand, and raised his arms. Jeff raised his arms as well. Norby remained a barrel. After a moment's hesitation, Sligh and Fister began to call out, "Help! Help!"

  "What in blazes is going on down there?" said the amplified police voice. A figure in blue leaned out, surrounded by the faint glow of a personal shield.

  "Hey, Fargo," said Jeff. "Personal shields are finally on the market. Can we afford a couple?"

  "Not on your life," said the policeman. "They cost a fortune, and civilians aren't allowed to have them."

  "Is that why you don't have one, Sligh?" asked Fargo. "Or is Ing too cheap to get you one?"

  "Mine is out of order," said Sligh. "The manufacturer guaranteed it, but-"

  Fargo laughed. "I guess Ing tried the bargain basement."

  The policeman leaned out further. The personal shield glittered on all sides but did not hide the very efficient stunner that the policeman was holding.

  Fargo said, "If it's that expensive, officer, how come City Hall can afford them?"

  "They can't," said the policeman. "Very few of us are equipped with them. Fortunately, for me, the mayor is my father. Now just what is all this?"

  "As you can see-" began Fargo.

  "Don't tell me what I can see, because I can see what I can see. I see two helpless men tied up, and two others standing near and in possession of what looks like an illegal truth wand. Which in turn makes it look very much like a mugging, and makes me sense, somehow, that I have the honor of speaking to the muggers."

  "Hey," said Jeff. "You're not a policeman."

  The policeman said sharply, "Do you wish to see my identification?"

  "I mean, you're a woman."

  Fargo said, "Better late than never, Jeff. There's hope for you if, at the tender age of fourteen, you've finally learned to tell the sexes apart."

  The policeman said, " A policeman is a policeman, regardless of gender. Now, have you anything to say before I arrest you on the perfectly obvious evidence that-"

  "Hey!" said Jeff. "You've got it wrong. We're the victims."

  "Indeed. Victims are usually the ones that are tied up."

  "That's right," called out Fister. "Get us loose. They jumped us when my friend and I were here in the park for a religious observance of the solstice."

  "Are you Solarists?" asked the policeman with interest.

  "Brought up Solarists by very pious parents," said Sligh. "Both of us. My friend and I. And these two hoodlums violated our religious rights by-"

  "Madame Cop," said Fargo. "I suggest you take these two men-and my humble self-to the nearest police station for questioning. U sing their truth wand, or a police version if you'd rather, you will soon find out that these men are followers of Ing the Ingrate, and that they were pursuing me in order to force me to join them in their nefarious business. With great skill, I turned the tables on them and-"

  "Okay. Stop talking, if you know how. In the first place, untie those two men. When that's done, I will have you grabble-meshed individually to the police car, and my partner and I will loft you to the station. Any objections?"

  "I sure haven't," Fargo said. "Jeff, untie those villains, but don't get between them and this stunning woman's stunner."

  "Your manner," said the policeman, "is somehow familiar."

  "Women usually find it so."

  "To an obnoxious extent, I am sure. What's your name?"

  "Fargo Wells."

  "Farley Gordon Wells, by any chance?"

  "That's the full version. Yes."

  "You're the kid who put fabric dissolver into the air-conditioning system of Neil Armstrong High School?"

  "The same. I knew that would never be forgotten. And, jumping Jupiter, you must be the first girl who got it-full-strength. Albany Jones, right? If you weren't wearing that uniform, I'd have recognized you at once, except you probably look even better now."

  "You'll never know," said Albany Jones. "And I think my father, the mayor, still has a strong desire to meet you. "

  Fargo swallowed. "Well, maybe later-when all this is over."

  Sligh, who was now standing upright and rubbing his wrists, said, "This is an immoral person, you see. You can't believe anything he says."

  "The truth wand will tell us," said Jones. "All four of you take hold of the grabble-"

  "Wait," said Fargo. "Not my brother. He's here for the solstice celebration, and he's only fourteen. Please let him go with our keg of nails-that barrel there. You have me."

  Jeff said, "Just because I'm fourteen doesn't mean I-"

  "Shut up, Jeff. Our parents are dead, Albany. I've had to bring him up, and it's hard being an only parent to a headstrong youth."

  "Stop," said Jones, "or I'll dissolve in floods of tears. You'll do; he can go."

  "Go home, Jeff," Fargo said. "Sligh and Fister no longer infest the apartment, obviously; but check the door computer first anyway."

  As the three men were grabble-meshed upward, Fargo waved and called out, "I'll be back as soon as possible."

  Jeff watched them sail out of sight. The park was in full daylight now.

  He picked up Norby and tried to balance him on his right shoulder. The barrel seemed to weigh a ton, as though it were full of scrap iron-which, in a way, it was.

  "You could at least turn on your antigrav," he whispered into Norby's hat.

  Slowly, Jeff began to rise.

  "Only a little antigrav, idiot!"

  Just as slowly, he sank back to the grass, holding what now seemed like an empty barrel.

  He began to walk in the direction of home, swinging along briskly, when Norby's eyes suddenly peered out from under his hat. "Are you going home right away? Don't I even get to see the
solstice celebration?"

  "You can't. We missed it. The sun's well above the horizon."

  "Can't we pretend it hasn't come up yet? Who'll know?"

  "We'll know. You can't make fun of things like that…Well, I'll tell you what. I can do the Oneness; that doesn't have to be exactly at sunrise. It's supposed to be done each solstice and each equinox. That's four times a year."

  "I know elementary astronomy, Jeff!"

  Jeff walked back to where they had been interrupted by Fister and Sligh in pursuit of Fargo. It was still in shadow, still fairly cool, and if the brilliance of day was distracting, it at least added a touch of friendliness to the surroundings.

  Jeff put Norby down and sat cross-legged on the grass beside the tiny stream. He rested his hands, palms up, on his thighs, and half-closed his eyes.

  After a minute, Norby said, "You're not doing anything. What's happening?"

  Jeff opened his eyes. He sighed and said, "Don't interrupt me. I'm meditating. I am trying to sense the Oneness of the universe, and you have to quiet your nervous system to be able to do that."

  "My nervous system doesn't need quieting."

  "How do you know? It's never been quiet. If you don't sit still without making silly sounds, we're going straight home. Just let me tune into the Oneness."

  Norby pulled in his arms and legs with an annoyed snap, but he let his eyes peer out from under his head.

  Jeff resumed his position. It felt good, as always.

  After a while, he said softly, "I am part of the universe, part of its life. I am a Terran creature, from the life that evolved here on Earth. Wherever I go and whatever I do, I will remember Earth. I will respect all life. I will remember that we are all part of the Oneness."

  After another silence, Jeff stood up. He bent to pick up Norby, who extended his legs suddenly and moved away.

  "What's the matter?" asked Jeff.

  "Does all that apply to me, Jeff?"

  "Of course it does. You're as much a part of the Solar System as I am, and everything that lives in it is ultimately of earthly origin."

  "But am I alive?"

  "You have consciousness, so you must be." Jeff started to smile, but Norby had seemed so serious. "Look, Norby, even if you're not alive in a human sense, you are part of the Oneness."