Norby The Mixed-Up Robot

by Isaac Asimov

  "How could I have gotten you outside the dome?" Norby shouted. 'I sensed human beings, and I thought it was Fargo. There are no human beings outside the Titan dome, so I wouldn't have brought you there. There are human beings inside the dome, and it's not my fault one of them isn't Fargo."

  He turned back to the transmit controls. Jeff blacked out again.

  "We're here!" said Albany. "Space Command! Thank goodness! We're safe. Norby, you rate a medal."

  "No, he doesn't," said Jeff angrily. "He rates a blaster shot in the bottom of his barrel. Those are not Space Command uniforms."

  "Are you sure?" said Albany. "Well, look at them again."

  Two men approached them as if ready to attack. "Down with the enemies of Ing the Incomparable!" they shouted as they rushed at them.

  "Oh, no, " said Albany. "They've even taken over out here."

  One of the men reached Albany, but seemed to trip and went flying over her shoulder.

  She looked pleased. "Did you see that?" she asked. "It works. They taught me judo and combat techniques during training, but I didn't think I could really-oof-"

  The other man reached her and threw an arm about her neck.

  Jeff rushed toward her. In a strangled voice, Albany said, "No, let me handle him. Get the other one."

  The first man was getting groggily to his feet. Jeff stepped back to let him rise, but Norby kicked him in his rear end and he went down on his face. Norby then rose in the air, turned off his antigrav, and came down hard on the back of the Ingrate, knocking his breath completely out of him.

  Albany, meanwhile, was swaying back and forth with the second Ingrate, who was trying to tighten his grip on her. In rapid succession, she dug her elbow into his solar plexus with a hard jab and stomped fiercely on his toes with her heavy police boot while smashing into his nose with the back of her head. He let out a screech and let go. Albany seized his wrist, spun on her toe, and twisted his arm. When he bent, she placed her hip under him, twisted harder, and sent him flying. He hit his shoulder hard when he landed and lay groaning.

  "Let's get into the transmit before any others come," Albany said.

  As soon as they were safely inside the transmit with the door closed, Norby extruded from within his barrel body a thin, flat metallic tape that spread out horizontally. He pressed the tape against the wall.

  "Ah," he said, "I should have done this the first time. It greatly intensifies my sensitivity and my powers of concentration. It takes a great deal out of me, however, and I never know when I'll get my next gulp of electricity. If ever."

  "Have you got Fargo this time?" asked Jeff anxiously.

  "Yes. Definitely. No mistake."

  Again Jeff felt that queasy sensation, but he managed to retain consciousness this time.

  "This transmit is in better condition," Norby said. "And now I think we'll find Fargo."

  The doors opened, and Norby said, "In fact, I'm sure you'll find Fargo, because there he is!"

  Jeff could see an enormous room draped with banners and lined on either side with armed men. In the center was a platform, upon which rested what could only be a throne. Fargo, his arms folded across his chest, was sitting on the edge of the platform, and someone else-someone clothed in metal to such an extent that he looked very nearly a robot-sat on the throne.

  "Here's company, anyway," Fargo said. "The beautiful Albany Jones, my resourceful brother, and his graceful barrel. How did you find me anyway? And why haven't you brought an army with you?"

  "Silence!" roared the figure on the throne in a voice as metallic and rasping as a defective machine.

  "Ing speaks!" said Fargo sarcastically. "Let all be silence, while I welcome the newcomers to the court of Ing the Innocent. Note the distortion of his voice, which is uneuphonious even when undistorted. Note the graceful aluminum of his costume, designed to cover an unattractive body, and the facial mask which serves to spare his audience a view of his face, which is deformed, or his feelings, which are disgraceful, and the-"

  The man on the throne gestured, and a guard stepped up to Fargo and lifted a weapon threateningly.

  "Since Ing fears words but is brave enough to attack an enemy when the odds are a hundred to one, I shall be quiet," said Fargo.

  Albany and Jeff marched up to Fargo, Jeff holding Norby-who was, of course, tightly shut.

  Ing's voice sounded again, harsh and repugnant. "We have here two brothers who, between them, know a great deal about the Space Academy and the fleet. And what they know, I will know!" His voice took on the sound of contempt. "In addition," he rasped, "we have a lady cop with a rich father who will help me take over Earth, if he wants his little girl back in her present shape and form. And I see something that looks like a barrel. Give it to me, Jeff Wells."

  Jeff held Norby tighter and said nothing.

  "It won't do you any good to hold it," said Ing. "I am told it is a curious barrel with arms-when it wishes to have arms. And legs too. It is something I wish to examine. Hand it over, boy, or I'll have it separated from you at your shoulders."

  Norby whispered through his hat, "Move closer to Miss Jones."

  Jeff cautiously stepped sideways until his elbow was against Albany's shoulder.

  "Now both of us move toward Fargo," Norby whispered. "We've all got to be touching."

  "I'll touch Fargo," whispered Albany. "But why?"

  "I have an ingenious idea," said Norby in his ordinary voice. "It talks!" said Ing. "It is a robot and I want it. I am emperor here, and I must be obeyed."

  "The history of emperors on Earth has been a sad one," Fargo said. (Albany was leaning against Fargo's shoulder, and Jeff against Albany's.) "Let me tell you about Napoleon Bon-"

  "Keep quiet!" Ing barked. "Sergeant! Get me that robot. Kill the woman if any of them resist!"

  Norby suddenly cried out. "The personal shields!" He tossed one to Albany and one to Fargo. Then he clung tightly to Jeff and hummed a strange sound.

  7. Hyperspace

  "Comet tails!" said Norby.

  "Where are we?" Jeff asked as he stared at the strange castle on the hill facing them. Terraced gardens spilled down the hill, and directly ahead was an elegant marble castle in miniature.

  "What I did," Norby said hurriedly, "was to transfer Fargo and Albany outside the building. That would give them a head start. With their personal shields and Albany's knowledge of judo and Fargo's quick wit-you're always telling me how bright he is-they ought to rally a counterattack-"

  "Yes, yes," said Jeff impatiently, "but where are we?"

  "Well," said Norby, his hat swiveling as he looked about, "what I was trying to do was to get us to Space Command. I memorized the coordinates Mac gave me long ago, but maybe they weren't right."

  "Yes, yes," said Jeff, still more impatiently. "Where are we?"

  "Well," said Norby, "that's the one little thing I don't know."

  "You don't know!" Jeff looked about, despairing. The surroundings were beautiful. The sunlight was bright and warm. There was a soothing rustle all about, but where on Earth-or off Earth-were they? "Can't you do anything right, Norby? You're a poor excuse for a robot."

  "I try. It isn't always easy." Then Norby said in a small voice, "I wanted you to own me. I see now that it was a great wrong. You're all mixed up with a robot that's all mixed up. I'll try to get you home, Jeff, and I'll stay here, and you'll be rid of me. I'm sorry."

  "No," Jeff said. "I don't ever want to be rid of you. It doesn't matter how mixed up you are; I'll just be mixed up along with you." He reached for Norby. "I wish you weren't so hard," he said. "It's difficult to hug you."

  "I don't care," said Norby. "Hug me anyway. I'm so glad you want to keep me."

  "Just the same," said Jeff, "I wish we knew where we were."

  At that moment something came out of the small castle. It looked distinctly dinosaurish, except for its size

  "A miniature allosaurus?" said Jeff uncertainly. He stepped back.

  The creature came up to
his knee; it wasn't even as tall as Norby. It was wearing what seemed to be a gold collar and, as it swished its tail, it emitted a series of variegated sounds.

  "Is it talking or just making noises?" Jeff asked, feeling an extreme urge to reach out and pat its reptilian head.

  "Don't you understand it?" Norby asked. "I keep forgetting that you're not a linguist. It-or rather, she-says you're cute."

  "I think she's cute, too, but what's a miniature dinosaur doing anywhere on Earth? And how is it that she talks?"

  "I don't think this is Earth," Norby said.

  "But you understand the language. Doesn't that mean you ought to know where this is?"

  "To tell the truth, Jeff, I don't know how I come to understand the language. I didn't know it was in my memory banks until I heard it. And I don't remember ever having been here before-unless-unless this is the place I dreamed about."

  "But what did you do to get here?" Jeff was scarcely aware that the dinosaur was nuzzling his hand. Automatically, he began stroking her head.

  "I just shifted through hyperspace. That's why it's so hard to get back. I could always get you back through normal space, but…"

  "You went through hyperspace without a transmit?" asked Jeff in a half-shout.

  Norby retreated a step. "Is that illegal?"

  "It's impossible. No one can do it."

  "I did it."

  "But that's true hyperspatial travel. How did you come to know how to do that?"

  "I thought everyone knew how."

  "Well, then, how do you do it?"

  Norby thought awhile. Then he said, "I know how to do it, but I don't know how to do it."

  "That doesn't make sense." Jeff was sitting on the grass, and the creature had her forepaws in his lap and her head resting on his shoulder. She was making a sound like a soft "Gruffle, gruffle, gruffle." Jeff was running his hand down her long neck, which had pointed projections all the way to the tip of her tail.

  "Do you know how to raise your arm?" Norby asked.

  "Certainly."

  "Do you know how to raise it? Can you explain exactly what it is you do to raise your arm? What happens inside your arm that makes it go up?"

  "I just decide to have my arm go up, and it does."

  "Well, I just decide to jump through hyperspace, and I just do. I can go anywhere in an instant. But I don't know how I do it."

  "But, Norby, that makes you the most valuable creature in the Solar System-"

  "Oh, I know that."

  "I mean, you really are. No one else knows how to go through hyperspace without transmits. It would be the greatest discovery of the age if any human being could make it." Jeff began stroking the dinosaur faster and faster. "It was my ambition to make the discovery myself. That's why I wanted to go through the academy and learn all I could about hyperspatial theory. It's my dream to invent hypertravel some day. Now, with you to help me-"

  "I said I only know how to do it, nothing else. Is that why you want to be with me, Jeff? Because I know how to hypertravel?"

  "No. I told you I was glad I was with you before you told me about it. But now I'm twice as glad." Jeff was pulling the creature toward himself, yet he still wasn't aware of it. "Well then, if you came here, where are we?"

  "But that's the other thing, Jeff. I know how to do it, but I guess I don't know how to aim right. I intended to go to Space Command, and I miscalculated. I don't know where we are-and yet I know that creature's language."

  Jeff looked down at the dinosaur and suddenly realized that she was softly licking his left ear with her warm, dry tongue. He went over backward, and she tumbled out of his lap. She got to her feet and unfurled the leathery ridges on each side of her back spines.

  "Wings!" Jeff choked. "She's got wings! She's a pterodactyl or something."

  "Nonsense," said Norby. "Any fool can see that she's a dragon."

  "Dragons are mythical beasts."

  "Not here."

  "What makes you so sure? You don't even know where 'here' is."

  "I think part of me knows, but I can't tune in to it. I'm sorry, Jeff. I'm so mixed up, I think I ought to be destroyed."

  "Not before you get us back. And even then, I won't let anyone destroy you. But get us back, Norby. It's important."

  "Don't get mad, Jeff, but I'm having a little trouble figuring out how. I may have moved far out of the Terran Solar System. If only I could remember where this was! Part of me seems to have been here before, or why would I dream of it?"

  "You know…I'll bet it's the alien mechanisms McGillicuddy used in you. The alien thing, whatever it was, was once here, whenever that was, and you just snapped back to that place without really thinking."

  "In that case-Hey!" Norby went over sideways as the little dragon broke into a sudden run and pushed past him. She ran into the small castle.

  Jeff helped Norby up.

  "Baby dragons never have manners," Norby said. "I remember when-" He paused. Then in a discouraged voice he said, "No, I don't remember. For a minute, I was sure I had remembered remembering dragons, but I don't."

  "You're getting me confused again."

  "I can't help it. Maybe we'll be stuck here too long to be able to help Fargo and Albany defeat Ing."

  "I'm hungry, Norby. Maybe we can find some forms of life to eat. But what about you? You'll never be able to plug into an electric socket here. You'll starve. Maybe that will inspire you to remember how to get back. "

  "Actually, I can't starve. Electric sockets give me between-meal snacks. For the real thing I dip into hyperspace, and I can do that anywhere, anytime. There's unlimited energy in hyperspace. You ought to try it."

  "I would, if I were able to," Jeff said. "What's hyperspace like?"

  "It's nothing."

  "That's very helpful."

  "I mean it. Hyperspace is nothingness. It isn't space or time, so it has no up or down or when or where. When I'm in it, I can sense a…well, sort of…I guess it's a pattern that isn't really there but is potentially there because that's what the actual universe is, the pattern that's sort of potentially there in hyperspace…"

  "Norby!"

  "Well, I didn't say I could explain it. I can't. All I know is that hyperspace is definitely potential-I mean, it's potentially something, as if it's got reserve energy that comes into use for creating a universe, that of course is actually part of itself…"

  "You're losing me again. How is a universe created?"

  "I think that a spot in hyperspace suddenly gains a where and a when. How it's done or happens is beyond even me, so of course it's beyond everyone in the Solar System, and even if I could explain it to you, you wouldn't know how to understand it."

  "Thanks for your high estimate of my intelligence. All I really want to know is if you can figure out how to get back to our Solar System."

  "Certainly. I just have to tune into the pattern in hyperspace and find out where to go."

  "Then you'd better do it soon. There's a bigger dragon corning."

  "Perhaps," Norby said, as he backed closer to Jeff, "the little dragon's mother wants to thank us for being nice to her baby."

  "Don't count on it," Jeff said, snatching up Norby. There was no use running. The dragon had long, strong legs, and wings as well. She was only as high as Jeff's chin, but she had gleaming, pointed teeth in double rows, top and bottom.

  She made the same kind of sounds the little dragon had made, only much louder.

  "What's she saying?" whispered Jeff.

  "She says we are aliens and we might have to be taken to the Grand Dragonship unless she can teach us to talk."

  "Well, what are you waiting for, Norby? Tell her you can talk."

  Norby delivered a rapid patter of sounds, and the dragon responded with similar sounds.

  "Jeff," Norby squawked, "let's leave right now. That foul reptile insulted me."

  "What did she say?"

  "She said I was simply a barrel and that I smelled of nails."

  "I suppo
se she's right. The barrel did once-"

  "Don't finish that sentence. We're going."

  "No, we're not. If we dash off somewhere, we'll be lost twice as bad. Let's listen to what she has to say."

  But she said nothing more. Instead she plunged toward them, plucked Norby out of Jeff's arms, and then bit Jeff on the neck. She licked her chops and wrinkled her snout as if she had tasted something bad. Then she placed Norby carefully on the ground and went back to the castle.

  "Help, Norby! I've been bitten by the dragon. She's probably rabid! I've been bitten by a rabid dragon vampire!"

  "Not very deeply," Norby said, examining Jeff's neck. "It's just a scratch. Barely enough to draw blood. I have a feeling there's a reason for it."

  "I have a feeling I hurt. And her reason is that she wanted to taste me. Next time she'll make a meal of me. Do you want me to be eaten up by a dragon? Think, you dumb barrel! Get us back home. Get us anywhere! I don't care how lost we get."

  My dear sir! There is no need to agitate yourself. Whoever you are, there must be communication in order for there to be a meeting of minds.

  Jeff's mouth fell open. He swallowed noisily. "Norby, I just heard a voice-in my mind!"

  In order to communicate with you, I had to taste your pattern since you do not understand vocal speech.

  "I tell you someone's talking, Norby!"

  "It's that abominably rude dragon-mother, Jeff. Do not condescend to answer her."

  Just wait until I disinfect myself and my child, for we touched you, and since you are an alien you are probably full of germs.

  "I am not full of germs," yelled Jeff. "You are. I'm sure I'll get tetanus from your bite. With all those teeth, you probably never use toothpaste."

  No gentleman would say such a thing! I use toothpaste and mouthwash, and so does my dear little daughter, Zargl. I think you had better leave. No respectable Jamyn would want you on this world. I will place the hyperspatial coordinates of this world in the memory bank of your storage barrel