Definitely Memorable

by Cara Roman

  The next morning feeling as bad as she looked she met the tour guide, and the rest of her group in the Belfast city center. She sat in the back of the crowded bus and stared out the window at county Antrim rolling past, struggling not to cry. Everyone could clearly tell she wasn't going to be worth talking to, and left her thankfully alone chatting among themselves. Getting out at the first stop she took pictures of the Causeway Coast, including one of the Scottish coast off in the distance since it was a clear day. When they stopped in the Dark Hedges everyone but Caitlyn posed for pictures among the impressive trees. Deciding that crossing the Carrick-a-Rede rope bridge wasn't for her she sat quietly inside having tea with half of their group while the rest braved the walk. After that they finally made it to the Giants Causeway, and as beautiful as it was, all of the amazing hexagonal rocks, and the stunning view, she just couldn't clear the haze of pain away enough to enjoy it. She found herself remembering standing in Nolan's arms at the Cliffs of Moher, as tears poured from her eyes. Unable to stop them she wished Nolan was here with her.

  An older woman from their group walked over and without bothering to ask pulled Caitlyn into her arms, rubbing her back soothingly as she cried. Caitlyn laid her head on the woman's shoulder, her body shaking uncontrollably with her sobs. She let it all go, everything she had been struggling to hold in since leaving the hotel room that morning. "It will never be the same, but you will get over him honey." The lady said to her. Caitlyn pulled away to look questioningly into the kind brown eyes. "I know that look. Hollowed out face, lost eyes. Your heart is broken, and you can barely breathe through the pain. I'm not going to lie to you though dear, it won't all be alright. But it will get better than it is right now." She took a tissue out of her large purse and handed it over to Caitlyn to wipe her tears.

  "Thank you. I guess I probably shouldn't have come today, it just all got to be too much." She admitted.

  "Nonsense, you're trying to put the pieces back together, no shame in tears. The direction is what matters, moving forward, not the pace. I'm Gloria, you can sit with me on the bus, and if you cry the whole way back to Belfast I won't mind in the least. I've got a daughter your age, and I just couldn't let you cry alone like that."

  "Caitlyn." She said gesturing to herself "Thank you Gloria, I appreciate it, so much. Its been killing me trying to be strong." She admitted.

  "It may feel that way right now, but someday it won't." Gloria said leading them back towards the bus.

  "I left him. I shouldn't be such a mess." Caitlyn confessed guiltily.

  "Oh, pish-posh! I'm sure you had your reasons, and they're probably good ones. But that doesn't mean you didn't love him. You gave him a part of yourself, walking away doesn't change that." Gloria said wisely patting Caitlyn's hand.

  The ride back to Belfast was easier sitting next to Gloria. She didn't expect Caitlyn to talk much, and filled the silence easily. She told her all about her daughter back home in Oklahoma, and all of the grand children she had there. Pulling a small photo album out of the large purse she showed her dozens of pictures. When their tour van arrived back in Belfast Caitlyn hugged Gloria and thanked her, knowing she wouldn't ever forget the kindness. Heading back to her hotel room Caitlyn decided that she wasn't going to pretend to be a tourist for the remaining two days in Belfast.

  Chapter 16

  Spending her time sitting up inside of her hotel room Caitlyn alternated between sobbing for long stretches, getting angry railing at herself, and sleeping in spurts. Every time she closed her eyes though, vivid dreams of Nolan assaulted her mind, and had her jerking awake crying again. It didn't even occur to her to eat most of the time, and when she did remember to order food she spent most of the time staring at it while she poked it with her fork. Nothing looked good, and when she forced it down it felt like cement sitting heavily in her stomach. In a weak moment she called down to The Westbury in Dublin and asked the woman who answered if Nolan had checked out yet. She happily told Caitlyn that he had left the hotel a short time after she herself had. Misunderstanding her reasons for calling the woman told her reassuringly there would be no surprise charges on her card, everything went as it should. Thanking her Caitlyn hung up the phone wondering if she had even made it to Belfast before Nolan woke up. Probably not she decided, a fresh wave of guilt enveloping her again in its crushing weight.

  Sitting on the messy bed in the dark room, her hair sticking up in wild tufts she opened her laptop. Feeling raw she transferred the pictures she had taken that last night in the pub from her phone. Clicking on the folder that held all of the pictures of Nolan she sat there watching a slideshow of them all pass slowly by. Touching his face on the screen as the images shuffled past she wondered if she should delete them all. Realizing it wouldn't make her miss him any less, in fact stealing these moments from herself would probably have her hurting even worse. She sent her boys one last email letting them know she was about to set off on the long journey home, and she would text them from her cell phone when she landed.

  Gathering up all of her belongings, making herself walk the room twice to be sure she wasn't forgetting anything she stacked her bags on top of the large suitcase, grabbed her purse and wheeled everything out to the elevator. Caitlyn nodded her head at everything the clerk said as she signed the papers checking out, not really hearing any of it. She waited out front in the dim light of dawn for the taxi the hotel had called to take her to the train station. This was the last sunrise she would see in Ireland, and realizing that tomorrow morning she would be waking up in her own bed filled her with a striking sense of loss. Once she was back home in Michigan Nolan would truly be forever out of her grasp. They hadn't thought to exchange phone numbers, or email addresses. Maybe they thought there was time, and there probably would have been if she hadn't left him. But what good would that do anyway? Calling each other would only prolong the inevitable. This break hurt, so much that standing upright was hard for her at times. But watching him drift away from her would be just as heartbreaking, maybe even more so with the hope fading away slowly.

  Once she was sitting on the mostly empty train Caitlyn took the ear buds out of her purse, popped them in, and turning her music onto shuffle she willed it to dull the pain. As the miles flew past the window, bringing her closer to Dublin she found herself afraid. Would Nolan be at the airport? He knew what day she was supposed to head home, they had talked about it enough, although she couldn't recall telling him the exact time of her flight. Would he be standing there waiting for her? Could she walk onto that airplane while he watched her? As the train slowed to a stop in Dublin the weight that settled on her chest made breathing almost impossible. Making that final taxi ride from the train station to the airport had her anxiety ramping up to near panic levels. Unable to decide if she wanted Nolan to be waiting for her, or if she was hoping he wouldn't be there. Every thing that flew past her window in the city reminded her of him. This city would always be Nolan's, he was intertwined so thoroughly into the very fabric of this place for her.

  Walking inside the airport Caitlyn looked frantically around her. For one breathless moment she thought she saw Nolan, but it was only her sleep deprived imagination working over time. Feeling both thankful and heartbroken that he wasn't actually waiting for her she passed through security. and checked her bags. Sitting there with only her carry on and purse she stared unseeingly off into the distance. When they finally called for her flight she stood up saying a silent goodbye to Ireland, and to Nolan, she walked with everyone else to board. As the plane lifted off the ground Caitlyn felt the weight lift off her chest, leaving a pronounced emptiness in its wake that was just painful.

  She spent most of the flight pretending to read a book. The words on the page held no magic for her, but she wasn't in the mood for conversation either. She only dozed off once, and this time when she dreamed of Nolan he was walking broodingly through a verdant field. His hands were tucked deep in his pockets and he walked with a steady pace. His eyes looked empty, but h
e wasn't crying or screaming her name into the breeze. Thinking as she woke up that maybe going home would help her forgive herself.

  Caitlyn was one of the last to disembark when they landed. She took a few minutes in the bathroom to splash cold water on her face knowing how she must look. Hopefully she wouldn't alarm her family when they saw her. Taking a deep breath she headed out to get her bag. She found her Dad waiting for her, and she rushed into his waiting embrace.

  "Caitlyn, honey! I'm so glad you're home!" He said squeezing her tight.

  "I'm so glad to see you." She answered back breathing in his familiar and comforting scent.

  "So tell me, how was it? I want to hear everything on the ride home." He said pulling back to look at her. "Cait, honey, are you alright?" He stared down at her, concern etched in his features.

  "Yeah, Dad, I'll be OK. I sent the pictures to get printed up before I left, want to stop at the store and pick them up on the way?" She asked him while walking out to his waiting car. "Then you can see them all."

  "We can do that, when are the boys coming home?" He asked settling behind the wheel.

  "Not until tomorrow morning, but I texted them already letting them know I'm back stateside." Turning towards him in the seat she told him all about her adventures on autopilot. Careful to leave Nolan out. She told him about the stunning splendor of the country, rattled off cool facts she had learned from everywhere she had visited. After they picked up her pictures they sat in the parking lot of the store looking through them all. He listened intently, asking questions about this or that along the way. He helped her carry all her bags inside the house. She had just given him the t-shirt she had bought for him at the Guinness Storehouse before he finally said, "I can see something is tearing you up inside. I don't know what it is, and I know you don't want to talk about it right now, but honey, when you do...I'm here you know that right?" He said pulling her into a hug and patting her back.

  "Thanks Dad, I know. I just can't... I can't talk about it. I need it locked away for now." She said in a small voice.

  "I understand, believe me I do. Do you want me to stay with you for awhile?" He asked her.

  With the five hour time difference, even after the long flight it was only late afternoon. "Nah, I'm going to unpack and wash all my clothes. Then probably run to the store and grab some food before the boys get here tomorrow since they're always half starved." He nodded his head at her, probably well aware she was hoping to hide behind the normalcy. Her dad knew her better than just about anyone else, but he wouldn't push, instead trusting her to come to him when she needed. Saying goodbye and thanking him for picking her up she waved as he pulled away.

  Walking back into the house she sat down on the living room floor methodically pulling everything out of her bags. Setting aside the trinkets and souvenirs she carried all the clothes into the laundry room. Sorting by color she discovered she had one of Nolan's t-shirts. It was the one he had on that last night. It was probably in her pile of clothes and in her rush to grab everything she hadn't noticed. Standing there in front of the washing machine she held his shirt up to her face and sniffed deep. It still smelled like him, warm and spicy like making love in front of a fireplace. It looked really well worn, a light gray color with the word IRELAND in faded green across the chest. Setting it aside she tossed the last of the load in, added the liquid detergent, and started the washing machine. Carrying the shirt to her room she set it with careful reverence on her bed for later.

  Taking care of everything, and putting her suitcases in the back of her closet she grabbed her pad of paper and pen walked into the kitchen. Looking through her empty cupboards, refrigerator, and freezer she methodically made a list. Heading to the store she stocked up on everything they needed. Walking through the isles her mind three thousand miles away, Caitlyn zoned out. It was a good thing she knew the store like the back of her hand. Her sons wouldn't appreciate it if there wasn't any food in the house for them. Teenage boys could eat like no body's business.

  Back home when the groceries were put away, and her clean clothes stacked neatly in drawers or hanging in the closet Caitlyn finally let out the breath she had been holding. Pulling Nolan's t-shirt over her head she turned off the lights and climbed into bed. It wasn't as good as feeling his arms around her, but it was better than nothing. Laying in her bed, Caitlyn cried quietly, her tears soaking into the pillowcase.

  The next morning she was sitting on a stool at her kitchen island drinking coffee when her sons burst in. Their energy exploding into the quiet house. She barely had time to make it off her stool before Mason was crushing her to him in a fierce hug. "Missed you Mom!" He said loudly as if she wasn't in his arms.

  "Missed you too baby." She said stroking a hand across his hair. Turning she reached for Wyatt pulling him into her other arm. He squeezed her tightly to him for a precious heartbeat before pulling away.

  "So, what did ya get us?" He asked her.

  "I set it in your rooms, go on take a look." She said barely getting the words out before they were dashing off.

  "Hey Cait. You look tired." Bryan said finally walking over.

  "Yeah, jet lag. I couldn't sleep very well last night either, with the time difference my body is all off kilter." She said with a shrug.

  He nodded his head at her answer. "I've got some tickets to the baseball game this weekend. I know its your weekend, but I was thinking the boys might want to come if that's alright with you." He asked.

  "I don't mind Bryan, they're your sons all of the time not just every other weekend. Besides I've got to get going on the next book anyways." She told him.

  "Right. I'll grab them Saturday afternoon then, and leave it up to them if they want to stay over at my place after or come back here." He said, she nodded at him. He looked so different than Nolan, although the comparison wasn't a fair one since he was over a decade older. She couldn't help but wonder what Bryan would think if he had met Nolan. Big, tall all American guy and the shorter, but devastatingly charming sexy Irishman. It was almost laughable, and completely ridiculous since they would never meet. Bryan called out a goodbye to their sons as he left.

  It didn't take long to get settled into their summer routine. Caitlyn cried herself quietly to sleep every single night, and was already writing when the boys woke up late each morning. They would all inevitably end up around the pool in the backyard soaking up the sunshine. Caitlyn sitting under the shade of the umbrella at the table typing away as Wyatt and Mason splashed around, their music blasting. When the boys were with their dad Caitlyn didn't have to pretend though, and she poured herself into her work, barely coming up for air. When she was writing the pain inside of her didn't scream so loudly, so she eased the ache the only way she knew how. About a week after she got home she woke up one morning to the tell tale blood of her period. Sitting on the floor of her shower as the water rained down on her blocking out the sound Caitlyn sobbed. A baby was a complication she definitely didn't need in her life right now, but it would have been Nolan's baby. A part of him, made out of the magic happiness they shared. She didn't realize how much that would have meant to her until she knew she wasn't pregnant. Now all she had of him were the pictures she couldn't make herself look at, and the shirt that didn't smell like him anymore after so many nights on her.

  Chapter 17

  June marched relentlessly on into July. Caitlyn spent her days lost in the words pouring out onto the page, and her nights suffocating beneath the heart ache and grief she let out when she was finally alone. If her sons noticed anything was wrong they didn't ask her about it. She had finally put some of the pictures from her vacation in frames around the house. Some people decorated with art, big paintings on the walls. Caitlyn painted her home with snapshots and memories. Nolan wasn't in any of the pictures, but she saw him everywhere she looked. The picture she had up on the refrigerator of her smiling in the park next to the sculpture of Oscar Wilde, he was the one who took it. The stunning view of the Cliffs of Moher framed
on her mantle in the family room, he had stood beside her as she snapped the picture.

  She hosted a big cook out for the fourth of July every year, inviting all of their family and friends. Caitlyn made a real effort, wearing a pretty flowing floral tank top, and cuffed jean shorts, her hair flying wild and free. Her Dad happily manned the grill while the boys had a bunch of friends jumping in and out the pool all day. She sat with a glass of wine telling the women gathered around the table all about her vacation. Conversation turned, as it usually did to everyone's love lives. With one cousin fast approaching her wedding day, another still single, and Caitlyn herself divorced, so single. They all talked about what they wanted to wear to the February wedding, before her Aunt Maura leaned in saying, "maybe you'll meet a nice man there. You need to get back out there deary life didn't end when your marriage did."

  "I know that Aunt Maura, I'm over Bryan, honestly. I'm happy with where my life is at the moment." Caitlyn said with a dismissive wave of her hand.

  "You don't look happy Cait. Oh, sure you're enjoying your writing, and raising those delightful scamps of yours. But I can see the purple smudges underneath your eyes, even hiding behind those sunglasses. You've lost some weight too, and by the way you're pushing food around your plate without eating I don't think that was on purpose." Maura tucked the hair behind Caitlyn's shoulder. "I worry about you honey, especially since my sister hasn't been much of a mother to you."

  "I know you do Aunt Maura. I've been deep into a project since getting back from Ireland, that's all." Needing a moment Caitlyn took a sip of the cool white wine in her glass. "I don't want to date right now." She said thinking nobody would be able to hold a candle next to Nolan anyway. Excusing herself from the table she walked inside the house. She walked up the steps and past everyone inside enjoying the cool air of the living room and kitchen. She headed into her room and closed the door quietly behind her. Leaning her back against the wood she dragged air into her lungs. She knew her aunt meant well, and loved her dearly. But even thinking of another man's hands on her skin was enough to make her hands shake, and had the bottom of her stomach dropping out. Caitlyn needed a few minutes to settle herself, and added a touch of concealer under her eyes to cover the circles there.