Awakening to Sunlight

by Lindsey Stone

  After this humiliating morning of job hunting with nothing to show for it, she’d made her way down to social services to talk about the possibility of benefits. She had been made to wait forever before actually getting to speak to someone, and when she did it had been a very young woman who had asked personal questions with a mixed attitude of complacency and judgmental suspicion. The young woman had not been able to give her any guarantees and Judith had left there with a pile of forms to fill in and an even greater feeling of helplessness. She hadn’t been naïve in thinking she’d find a job immediately and hadn’t expected to walk out of the building with cash in hand, but the whole experience had made her feel completely inadequate and a long way away from being anywhere.

  She noticed that Lizzy’s coat wasn’t hanging on the coat rack and felt relieved to have some time to herself to think and find some composure again without having to find the energy for awkward socializing. When she saw the paper on top of the kitchen counter she figured that Lizzy hadn’t been back yet, but then she noticed something had been written under the message she had left.

  I’m sorry you weren’t able to contact your sister, and yes, my offer still stands. There’s food in the cupboards. Feel free to help yourself.

  Lizzy

  Lizzy’s note instantly brought tears to her eyes. After the indifference of the people she’d spoken to throughout the day, Lizzy’s selfless gesture and the relief it brought overwhelmed her. She sat and stared at the words Lizzy had written. She had done nothing but impose herself upon Lizzy and yet she’d been nothing but kind about it. Lizzy’s kindness somehow made her feel even more guilty and pathetic than she already did. She fought hard not to cry, not wanting to feel sorry for herself, and after a few moments of internal battle, wiped away her tears and rose to her feet again. She opened the refrigerator door and was greeted by the wonderful sight of shelves stuffed with a variety of healthy products, which filled her with a pulse of confidence. Menno had always controlled the finances, and when she’d left him she’d done so with very little money. She had stretched it the best she could over the past few days, but not knowing how she was going to feed Emily once it ran out had torn at her heart.

  The prospect of being able to prepare Emily a fresh and nutritious meal made her feel more like a normal mother again. After further inspection she decided she would cook schnitzels for dinner. She hesitated when taking them out of the freezer, unsure whether she should cook for Lizzy as well or if Lizzy even expected it. She decided it was the politest thing to do considering what she had done for them and figured that Lizzy could warm it up later if she wanted it or simply put it back in the freezer as a reserve meal if she didn’t.

  *

  Lizzy finally left Sam’s around nine. They’d been working on the storyboard all afternoon and although there was still work to be done, they had decided to call it quits for the night and to carry on tomorrow. On the way home she stopped to pick up a burger and some fries. She didn’t particularly want it, but she knew she needed to eat something and if she waited until she got home she wouldn’t be in the mood for making anything.

  The apartment was quiet and most of the lights were off, so she guessed that Judith and Emily had gone to bed already. She dropped her take-away on the kitchen counter and noticed that Judith had written her another note.

  Dear Lizzy,

  Thank you for your hospitality. I made Emily and myself schnitzels. I didn’t know whether you would want one or not so I made you one just in case. It’s in the microwave.

  I have no words to describe how grateful I am. I can only promise you that I will repay you as soon as possible.

  Judith

  Lizzy felt pleased with herself. She had obviously done the right thing in buying the groceries. She opened the microwave door and took out the plate: schnitzel, mashed potatoes, and green beans. She hadn’t had a proper home-cooked meal in ages, and with a little anticipation placed the plate back in the microwave and warmed it up.

  It felt weird eating a meal cooked by a stranger in her own home, but there was no denying it, the meal was delicious. She remembered a book she’d once read, Peace Is Every Step by a Buddhist named Thich Nhat Hanh. It was a book about how to implement ways of achieving inner peace. In it he mentioned eating mindfully. A person could get the fullest nourishment from food by taking the time to imagine where it came from while eating it. She was unsuccessfully trying to imagine a potato still in the earth when she realized she was not alone.

  “Is it all right?” Judith nodded toward Lizzy’s plate.

  Lizzy quickly tried to swallow the mouthful she had just popped into her mouth.

  “Yes, very nice, thank you.”

  “I didn’t know whether you would want it, but I thought I’d take the risk.”

  “I’m glad you did. I hadn’t expected it, but it was a nice surprise. The dinner I’d expected is over there.” Lizzy nodded in the direction of the take-away bag still standing on the counter.

  “So I take it you’re not planning on eating it?”

  “God no, this is enough for me.”

  “Would you mind if I had it? I feel a bit peckish.”

  “No, please help yourself. It will only go to waste otherwise.”

  Judith walked over to the kitchen counter and unpacked the bag.

  “How was your day?”

  “Oh please, I don’t want to bore you.”

  “You won’t. I’m interested.”

  Judith joined her at the table. “Well, to be honest, not as good as I’d hoped for.”

  “How come?” Lizzy took another bite of her schnitzel, this time a more polite portion.

  “I tried to get in contact with my sister this morning, but apparently she’s away on some skiing trip. Then I went out hunting for a job, unsuccessfully I might add, and then I went to social services and came back with a lot of uncertainties and a pile of forms to fill in.”

  “I take it the job agency didn’t have anything for you?”

  “Nothing in the field I was hoping for, anyway.”

  “What field is that?”

  “Teaching.”

  “And you’d like to teach again?”

  “I think so. It was what I studied for, but it’s been such a long time since I last stood in front of a class.”

  “Why’d you give it up?”

  “To be able to spend more time with my daughter. What about you, Chris said you were a movie director?”

  Lizzy noticed the swift diversion, but respected it. “I’m what they call an independent moviemaker.”

  “Sounds exciting. What does that mean exactly?”

  “It means I get to do whatever I want as a director as long as it doesn’t exceed the budget that I and a few others have managed to scrape together.”

  “Sounds challenging.”

  Lizzy realized she was seeing Judith smile properly for the first time.

  “It is.”

  “How many movies have you made?”

  “Two. We’re just about to start shooting on the third.”

  “What’s it about?”

  “It’s about the life of Alice James, the youngest sister of Henry James.”

  “I’ve never heard of her.”

  “Most people haven’t. That’s why we want to tell her story.”

  “What’s so special about her?”

  “She was the youngest sister of the novelist Henry James and is considered by some to be a feminist of the nineteenth century. She was a teacher like you, but she never married and chose the company of one particular woman. She was often plagued with illness and suffered from nervous breakdowns, but she kept a diary in which she portrayed her views on social conformity. Her depictions of invalidism and the role of women within the family and society give us a deeper insight into the lives of women in that time.”

  “I’m intrigued.”

  “You’re supposed to be.”

  “Mommy!”

  Judith jumped to her feet and
Lizzy followed her as she rushed down the hall to Emily’s bedroom. Emily was sitting bolt upright in bed, breathing fast, soaked with sweat and clearly terrified. Lizzy watched from the doorway as Judith quickly wrapped her up in her arms, rocking her and whispering soft, soothing words. Lizzy felt superfluous and whispered, “Is there anything I can do?”

  Judith shook her head in reply and gently kept rocking Emily in her arms. Realizing there was nothing she could do, Lizzy left them alone and stepped out onto the balcony. She lit a cigarette, wondering what could cause such a little girl to have nightmares.

  Before going to bed she popped her head around the corner of Emily’s room and found Judith asleep on the bed with Emily still in her arms. It was an endearing image, one that captivated her. Maurice had wanted a child. Maurice had wanted to be in this picture. Why had she let her own fear deny Maurice her dream? She felt the black hole in her chest start to churn again. She grabbed an extra blanket from the cupboard and placed it over Judith. She decided to leave the hall light on. If Emily awoke again, she thought it best that it shouldn’t be in the dark.

  Chapter Four

  The next five days left Lizzy little time to think about her guests. Word of her return had spread fast and her time was no longer her own. Everybody needed her opinion or her approval on something, from choosing the position of a chair on set to helping out with wardrobe. Each day she’d left the apartment at six and hadn’t gotten back until midnight, and at the end of each long day she had arrived home late to find her guests asleep and a dinner waiting for her in the microwave.

  At first she’d felt awkward about it, not wanting Judith to feel obligated to cook for her, but as soon as she got in her car and headed for home, she would wonder what dinner lay waiting for her. She hadn’t seen either Judith or Emily throughout this time, and she wondered how Judith was doing in her search for a job and a place to live. Twice she had awoken to the sound of Emily calling for her mother in the middle of the night and both times she had stayed in bed and listened as Judith quietly but quickly crossed the hall to Emily’s room. Both times she had fallen asleep feeling sorry for her.

  Thinking everybody was asleep, Lizzy quietly entered the apartment, but to her surprise found Judith sitting on the couch reading a book and unintentionally made her jump.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

  “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you come in. I must have lost track of time.”

  Lizzy recognized the book. The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins. “No wonder you lost track of time. It’s a great book, a real page turner.”

  “Yes. I mean, I’ve only just started, but his style is so captivating. I don’t normally read mystery novels, but I was scanning your bookshelves and this seemed well read and I fancied something different. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “No, not at all. Books are meant to be read, especially books like that. Tea?”

  Judith smiled. “You drink a lot of tea, don’t you?”

  “Yes, I do. When I’m not drinking coffee, that is,” Lizzy added as she started for the kitchen.

  “Well, you’ve had a long day. I’m sure you’d like some time to yourself.”

  “No, it’s fine. You don’t have to disappear just because I’m back.” Lizzy was surprised at her own words and even more surprised to realize she’d meant it. “And besides, I wanted to thank you for the lovely meals.”

  “There’s spaghetti Bolognese in the microwave.”

  Lizzy opened the microwave door and peeped in at her meal. She couldn’t remember when she’d last eaten spaghetti Bolognese, and yet it had always been one of her favorite dishes. She closed the microwave door and pressed the three-minute button.

  “I’m really grateful for this and I think your cooking is great, but I don’t want you feeling obligated to cook for me.”

  Judith twisted around to face her, resting her arms on the back of the sofa.

  “I like to cook and, if you don’t mind my saying, your eating habits could do with some improving.”

  “We hardly know each other and yet you’re already noticing my bad habits!” Lizzy teased.

  Judith blushed slightly. “I’m sorry, that was rude. I didn’t mean anything by it, I—”

  Lizzy raised her hand. “I know you didn’t. I was just teasing. I’ll be the first to admit that my eating pattern has always been a weak point of mine.”

  “How come?”

  “I don’t know. I just get distracted. No, that’s a lie. I’m aware I should eat at certain moments, but I can’t be bothered. I’d rather finish whatever it is I’m doing at that moment.”

  “Don’t you get tired, though?”

  “No. It’s not as if I don’t eat. I just seem to only eat when I can no longer ignore my hunger, and then it’s mostly take-away.”

  “I couldn’t live like that. I enjoy food too much and enjoy preparing it. As a child I was fascinated with cooking. I used to go down to the kitchen and watch as dinner was being prepared. I don’t know why, but I was always fascinated by the big pots and pans, the smells and the idea of chopping things. At the age of eight I decided I was going to have the biggest kitchen in the world.”

  Lizzy laughed. “And did you get it?”

  “No, thank God. I soon realized the bigger the kitchen, the bigger the cleanup was most likely to be.”

  Lizzy’s meal was done and she settled down on one of the remaining couches.

  “So how’s the job hunting been going?”

  Judith shook her head. “Not so good. There’s apparently little demand for an art teacher at the moment, but I’ve told them I’ll take any job that comes along.”

  Two things rushed through Lizzy’s mind simultaneously. First, the delicious taste of the Bolognese in her mouth, and second, the pity she felt for Judith, knowing all too well what it felt like not being able to do what one felt passionate about.

  “So how did you come to be an art teacher?”

  Judith took a sip of her tea before answering. “Mrs. Eijk.”

  Lizzy made a questioning face as she munched on a mouthful of gorgeous Bolognese.

  “She was my art teacher in high school. She was wonderfully eccentric and kind. Her character was completely out of place at the private school I attended. I was mesmerized by her: the way she dressed, the way she spoke, her passion for art. She instilled in me an undeviating love for it and I wanted to be just like her. I did my best to please her and studied the subject vigorously outside of classes. I suppose you could say I even had a little schoolgirl’s crush on her, but it was more than that. I was very disciplined at school and did well in all of my classes, but I had fallen in love with art and painting. Mrs. Eijk said I had a natural talent for it, but that it was a craft you had to practice, and so I did. I got better and better at it and found that a certain peace and serenity took hold of me when I painted. Of course, as I grew older my own character evolved and I realized I couldn’t be as eccentric as her, because it wasn’t in my character to be so. I also found out that it isn’t easy to earn a living as an artist, so I decided to become a teacher and teach others the beauty of art and help them find their artistic talents. So that’s how I became an art teacher.”

  Lizzy was touched by the innocence of Judith’s story and by the openness with which she had told it.

  “Didn’t you miss it, then?”

  “Well yes, but I’ve never regretted stopping. Being a good mother to Emily is the most important thing in the world to me. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her while she was growing up, I still do, and I was fortunate enough to have that luxury up until now. And you? What made you want to be an independent moviemaker?”

  “That’s hard to explain. I’ve always been fascinated with storytelling. Originally in book form, which later progressed into moviemaking. I became fascinated by the concept of taking a story and making it come to life through real-life moving imagery. That and the fact I believe it’s a great way of teaching people things t
hey otherwise wouldn’t know or think about. I mean, there are so many reasons why a person doesn’t learn more about a subject: they’re either too tired or can’t be bothered, ignorant, or simply incapable in some way. Movies can reach these people sitting in their chairs at home and show them things they would otherwise never have known about. Movies can help create understanding and insight, even help change minds about fundamental stuff and, of course, let’s not forget, movies can be just damn good fun.”

  “That’s true, although I have to admit, it’s been a long time since I actually sat down to watch one.”

  Lizzy placed her empty plate down on the coffee table.

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure.”

  “How come Emily has nightmares?”

  Judith took a long breath before answering. “Well, according to the doctor, she has suppressed anxiety.”

  “Anxiety for what?”

  Judith’s expression turned sullen, making Lizzy wish she hadn’t asked the question.

  “It’s all right you know. You don’t have to answer me. I didn’t mean to pry.”

  “No, I know you didn’t. It’s just easier not to think of things than face the truth of the matter sometimes, but it’s time I started accepting the truth and deal with it.”

  Lizzy didn’t quite know what to say. She agreed with what Judith said, but it stirred something deep inside her, something she didn’t want stirred.

  “The truth is, the relationship between Emily and her father… Who am I kidding, there is no relationship between them.”

  Judith’s tears immediately made Lizzy feel claustrophobic.

  “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

  Judith quickly wiped the tears away. “I’m sorry. I don’t normally cry so easily. I seem to be doing a lot of things lately I wouldn’t normally do.”