Awakening to Sunlight

by Lindsey Stone

  Judith laughed, but she did as she was told.

  It had been a long time since Lizzy had last cooked a proper meal and as she threw the chicken into the wok she became aware of how much she was enjoying it. She used to cook this particular meal regularly, but had stopped when there hadn’t been anyone to cook for anymore. She knew the last time she’d cooked this dish she had eaten it with Maurice, but couldn’t remember when that was. Had it been a Tuesday like today or some other day of the week? Not being able to recall, not knowing, sickened her. She heard a movement behind her and looked over her shoulder. Emily had climbed onto one of the stools and was leaning over the counter, trying to see what Lizzy was cooking.

  “Are you hungry?”

  “Yes.”

  Lizzy remembered how she used to hate having to wait for her dinner when she was a kid and empathized with Emily. “Just another ten minutes.”

  “Shall I lay the table?”

  “That would be a big help.”

  Emily climbed off the stool and went straight to the cupboard where the heat mats were kept. It felt strange to Lizzy to think that this young girl would know where that kind of stuff was in her home. The past, which had once been the present, was so different from the now, and for the last three years she had not wanted to accept this difference, but watching Emily stretch to place the heat mats on the dinner table was more irrefutable proof. She had never been able to rationalize the loss of Maurice and she still couldn’t.

  *

  Dinner went smoothly. Everybody enjoyed the meal and the conversation was light and easy. Emily talked about school, Judith talked about her day, and Lizzy answered their questions about her day. Although she participated in the conversation and enjoyed their company, she felt shrouded in a sort of mist the whole time. She was aware that she was in the middle of this peaceful, homey, vibrant picture and yet she was separated from it by a vast, invisible void.

  When the plates were empty and Judith started talking to Emily about her homework, Lizzy set about clearing the table and washing the dishes. She tried to imagine what it would have been like if she had let Maurice have the child she had always wanted. Instead of being alone she would still have a part of Maurice, but she also wondered if she would have been able to cope looking at that child every day, seeing the touch of Maurice in her, reminding her even more of her loss.

  “A penny for your thoughts?”

  Lizzy was surprised to find Judith standing next to her with a dish towel in one hand and a cup in the other. She had been so lost in her thoughts she hadn’t noticed her.

  “Oh, sorry, I was just thinking of work.”

  “How’s it going?”

  “Good. The storyboard’s about finished and if all goes well we hope to start shooting in about six weeks’ time.”

  “And do you film on, like”—Judith hesitated—“a real set?”

  Lizzy smiled at the question. She was used to people having difficulty envisioning what making a movie entailed. The only thing they had to go on was what they saw on TV, the so-called behind-the-scenes interviews and such, and although a lot of movies were done by the big production companies using big studios and special effects, many movies were done by smaller companies and independent moviemakers. Even the big moviemakers had to improvise now and again.

  “Well, there’s no Hollywood studio involved if that’s what you mean, but we have our locations, where there are actors acting, cameramen filming, and the like. You’ll have to come one of the days.”

  “I’d like that.”

  Just then Emily walked into the kitchen. “Mommy, can we go to the park tomorrow?”

  Judith clasped her hand to her mouth and Lizzy guessed straightaway what the problem was. Tomorrow was Wednesday, and in the Netherlands every elementary school kid had Wednesday afternoons free. Judith was supposed to work tomorrow, and it was way too late to call the agency. Lizzy knew there was only one solution.

  “If you want I could pick her up.”

  Judith turned abruptly to face her, incredulously. “I couldn’t ask that of you.”

  “It wouldn’t be a problem. I’ll leave Sam’s early and do some work at home. That’s if Emily doesn’t mind.”

  Judith quickly explained to Emily what the problem was and Emily easily agreed to being picked up by Lizzy.

  Judith turned to Lizzy again. “Are you sure it’s not too much of a hassle?”

  “Yes, it will be fine. Just tell me where the school is and I’ll pick her up at twelve.”

  Judith lowered her head. “I have no idea how I’m ever going to repay you for your kindness.”

  Lizzy shrugged. “It’s no big deal.”

  Judith placed a tentative hand on her arm. “It’s a big deal to me.”

  The intensity with which Judith had spoken and the softness of her touch made the black hole in Lizzy’s chest stir, and panic started to consume her.

  “Yes, of course. Look, I forgot, I need to pop out for a bit.”

  Judith could do nothing but stare after her as Lizzy left the room and then the apartment. She had no idea what had just happened except that Lizzy had turned very pale and had fled, and all she had done was try to express her gratitude.

  *

  Lizzy sat inside the dark interior of her car. She wasn’t exactly sure where she was. She’d just gotten in her car and had headed for the highway and had driven for a few hours until she’d finally pulled over, not wanting to go back or go on. She looked out at the black sky and listened to the loud roar of silence occupying the space around her, the only thing louder being the sound of her own breathing reminding her over and over again of her loss. She rested her head on the steering wheel wanting desperately to scream at someone or something, to blame them, to dare them to take her too, but at the same time she struggled desperately not to. She had no right to want such a thing; she had made her promise. Guilt ricocheted through her being. Maurice had never had the choice—why should she? The black hole within her churned vigorously, her anger rising to the surface. She fought desperately to keep it in, fearing that if it escaped it would consume her.

  After a while she leaned back in her seat again feeling exhausted and empty, but she had succeeded once again in achieving a blessed numbness. She had managed to lock her anger and frustration away in that deep hidden alcove that had scarred itself a niche in her soul, and with her true feelings now muted her mind was clear again. She had said that she would pick Emily up from school tomorrow, and to do that she would have to go back.

  *

  It was already late by the time Judith finally decided to go to bed. She’d expressly waited up in the hope of speaking to Lizzy. She had no idea what had gone wrong this evening, but the look of despondency in Lizzy’s eyes when she had left had been unsettling. She felt concerned and wanted to see her back home safe, but she couldn’t wait any longer; she had to be up early and she couldn’t risk being late for work. She tried to write a note, but couldn’t think of what to say and decided it best not to say anything.

  As she curled up beneath the cold sheets she decided she would try to pay more attention to Lizzy’s gestures and her state of mind. She wanted to understand what triggered her to shut down so abruptly and flee—so that she could avoid causing it, if nothing else.

  Chapter Eight

  Lizzy rang Sam’s doorbell at nine the next morning. She was just about to give up waiting when a small-eyed, ruffled-looking Sam opened the door.

  “Oh God, Lizzy, I’m so sorry. I never heard the alarm go off.”

  Although slightly annoyed, Lizzy couldn’t help but forgive him. Sam was only wearing a T-shirt and a pair of underwear, and his spindly legs and lack of modesty were too comical for her to stay annoyed at him.

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  He stepped aside to let her in while rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

  “I had one of my inspired moments late last night and didn’t get to bed until four this morning.”

  Liz
zy felt no need to tell him that she had only managed a few hours’ sleep herself. “I’m intrigued.”

  “I know we haven’t discussed it, but I’m sure you’re gonna love the change I’ve made.”

  “Well, in that case I forgive you for leaving me out on the doorstep. Now go get dressed and I’ll make us some coffee. Oh, and by the way, I have to cut it short today. I have to be somewhere at twelve.”

  “Well, I’ll forgive you if you like my adaptation.”

  “Move it.”

  “I’m already on my way.”

  Lizzy turned away at the sight of his wiry legs disappearing up the stairs and made her way toward his kitchen. She knew where everything was due to the many late nights of working on prior projects with Sam, and soon the house was filled with the scent of percolated coffee. Fifteen minutes later they were both seated at Sam’s drawing table going through the latest adaptations to the storyboard. Lizzy was impressed with the changes he had made during the night. He had managed to capture the essence of an emotion she wanted in a particular scene. Lizzy always knew where she wanted the camera and what the picture should look like. The whole movie would play itself out in her head like an internal cinema; the storyboard was more of a reminder for her as well as a visual guideline for the rest of the crew. But her internal cinema had been suffering for a long time now. She’d reach a scene in her head knowing what she wanted from it, but she couldn’t quite visualize it and struggled to bring out the emotional intensity she usually quite easily pulled out from each scene. Sam’s uncanny ability to understand and draw what she pictured in her head was proving more valuable than ever before.

  They soon lost themselves in their work and it was only when Sam started to yawn and stretch his muscles that Lizzy happened to glance at her watch.

  “Shit, I’m gonna be late.”

  “So what’s so important you have to dump me halfway through the day?”

  Lizzy pulled on her jacket. “I have to pick up…someone at twelve.” She almost said a child, but thought better of it. It would only mean a load of questions she didn’t have time to answer.

  Sam wriggled his eyebrows. “Anyone important?”

  “Yeah, Steven Spielberg’s asked for a private lesson on camera work.”

  Before Sam had a chance to retort, Lizzy was already out the front door. She managed to get to the school with five minutes to spare and was lucky enough to find a place for the car. She then joined the other adults who were lingering just inside the school gate. She felt out of place among them. With few exceptions, they seemed relaxed and gave the impression they knew exactly what they were doing. Lizzy couldn’t help but wonder how many of them secretly felt inadequate.

  A bell rang from somewhere inside the school building and a flood of kids came spilling through the doors onto the opposite side of the playground. Lizzy scanned the crowd of little people until she spotted Emily. She noticed straightaway that she didn’t look as cheerful as she usually did. Emily spotted her too and after a quick good-bye to her friends joined Lizzy at the gates and together they set off down the street in the direction of the car. Lizzy wasn’t sure what to say to Emily and felt it best to go for the obvious.

  “So how was school today?”

  “Good. I got an invitation to a party.”

  “Did you? That’s cool.”

  Lizzy opened the car door for her and waited until Emily had fastened her seat belt before closing the door and getting in herself. After safely reaching the end of the street without running over any parents or their kids, Lizzy turned her attention back to Emily.

  “So when’s the party?”

  “Next week Friday. It’s not really a party. It’s a sleepover.”

  “That’s just as good, isn’t it?” Lizzy remembered her first sleepover and how much she had enjoyed sleeping in a bed with two other girls. She had just turned ten and realized that girls were a great replacement for teddy bears. “Better, if I recall correctly.”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  Lizzy glanced at her through the rearview mirror. “You don’t sound too cheerful about it.”

  Emily frowned, but didn’t respond.

  “Come on, spill the beans.”

  Emily’s frown turned into a quizzical smile. “Spill the beans?”

  “Yeah, you know, cough it up, throw it in the group, tell me why it’s only all right.”

  “It’s not the party, it’s Mrs. Bouwman.” Emily had said the name with a slight tone of annoyance.

  Lizzy had no idea who Mrs. Bouwman was.

  “Is she your teacher?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, so what has Mrs. Bouwman done?”

  Emily let out a long sigh. “She told us that we’re going to do a school play about Peter Pan and Captain Hook.”

  Lizzy still didn’t see what the problem was.

  “Well, a school play sounds like fun.”

  Emily frowned. “It is, and anybody who wants to can audition for a part in it.”

  Lizzy wondered what she was missing. She still didn’t understand what was wrong.

  “Do you want to audition?”

  “Yes, but when I asked Mrs. Bouwman if I could audition to be a pirate, she said that pirates were always boys and that it wouldn’t be historically correct and that I would be much happier in a different role.”

  Lizzy wondered if this Mrs. Bouwman was teaching the right grade. Who cared what was historically correct at the age of seven, and besides, wasn’t Peter Pan fiction? She didn’t like to see Emily so down, and before she knew what she was doing she was already speaking.

  “I’ll tell you what, as soon as we get back home we’ll make you a pirate costume and then you can practice being a pirate and then when it’s time for you to audition you just do the pirate thing instead.”

  Emily’s face was stern. “I don’t think Mrs. Bouwman will allow it.”

  “Well, you’ll just have to prove her wrong, won’t you? Everybody should be given a fair chance, and if someone denies you yours, then you have to fight for it. If you still don’t get to be a pirate, well, at least you tried.”

  Lizzy watched in the rearview mirror as a cheeky smile slowly spread across Emily’s face.

  As soon as they got home they set about making a pirate costume. Lizzy dug out an old pair of trousers and cut them so that they reached just above Emily’s knees. She had to make an extra hole in her belt to keep the too-wide trousers from falling down, but all in all, the bagginess only helped to make Emily look more authentic. They cut out swords from cardboard, made eye patches from black paper and string, and in no time were jumping about the living room playing pirates, using the couches as makeshift ships.

  *

  “Do you surrender, young pirate of the seas?”

  Emily breathed hard, her stare strong and determined as she glared up at the enemy whose sword was pointed at her chest. “Never!”

  Emily jumped to her feet and started attacking her enemy again with all her might.

  “Ahem!”

  Both pirates stopped in midair, panting, their swords raised.

  “Mommy!” Emily jumped off her ship and ran up to Judith. “We’re playing pirates, Mommy. Do you want to play?”

  Judith hugged her before sitting down on the couch Emily had just jumped from. Lizzy could tell she was tired. “Pirates, eh?”

  “Yes, for the school play.”

  “What school play?”

  “Peter Pan!”

  Lizzy took off her eye patch and made her way to the kitchen as Judith patiently listened to Emily tell her about the play and what Mrs. Bouwman had said and what she and Lizzy had planned. Only once did Judith look Lizzy’s way, and it dawned on her that she might have crossed a line.

  “Do you want to play? You can be Tinker Bell, kidnapped by the pirates.”

  “Maybe some other time. I think you’d better get changed. You’ve got your art class, remember?”

  “Okay, Mommy. Maybe later?”

&nbs
p; Judith smiled and stroked Emily’s face. “Maybe. Now go and get changed.”

  As Emily ran out of the room, an awkward silence filled the air.

  “I was worried about you last night.”

  Lizzy was surprised. She’d planned on apologizing to Judith about the way she had abruptly left last night, but she hadn’t expected her to worry about her.

  “Yes, I wanted to apologize for leaving like that.”

  “Why did you?”

  Lizzy had no idea how to answer her truthfully. How on earth could she explain how she had felt? At the same time she didn’t want to lie to her. She felt her heart sink lower as no appropriate answer came to mind.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you last night, Judith, and I’m sorry if I crossed a line today with Emily. I didn’t stop to think that you might not agree. Otherwise I would never have encouraged her like this.” Lizzy knew she wasn’t answering the question, but this was the best she could do.

  Judith didn’t respond straight away and Lizzy felt even more uncomfortable under her gaze, but she hoped Judith would accept her apology and let the matter of last night rest.

  “It’s all right. I don’t know if I would have encouraged Emily to do this”—she picked up the sword Emily had left in her lap—“but I also don’t like people telling my girl there’s something she can’t do. That Mrs. Bouwman is a nice person and a good teacher as well, but her views on women are somewhat misplaced in this modern day.” She gave a quick wave of the sword. “And besides, I quite like the idea of being a pirate myself.”

  *

  Lizzy lay restless in bed as her mind mulled over the events of the past few days. She did not regret offering Judith and Emily a safe place to stay, but their presence triggered memories of her life with Maurice—memories she didn’t want to be reminded of, because they made continuing on without her impossible. Little things they said or did would unintentionally unleash the pain and anger she tried hard to keep buried.