Awakening to Sunlight

by Lindsey Stone

  Lizzy knew he meant well and that he worried about her. Maybe if she went just this one time it would prove to him that he needn’t worry. “Oh well, in that case.”

  “Excellent! Why don’t you bring Judith?”

  “Yeah, right.”

  “Why not? I thought you said things were good between you two?”

  “They are.”

  “Well then?”

  Lizzy picked up a pebble and threw it. “I haven’t told her I’m gay.”

  Chris raised his hands in the air, exasperated. “So?”

  “So, I don’t want her to know.”

  Chris’s mouth fell open in surprise.

  Lizzy frowned. “If I were you, I’d shut that before you catch a fly in it.”

  “Since when has it been important to you to keep that a secret?”

  “I’m not keeping it a secret. It’s just I don’t want her feeling even more awkward around me than she already does. I want to keep things simple.”

  “I don’t think Judith’s homophobic, if that’s what you’re implying, Liz.”

  “That’s not what I’m saying. My sexuality is nobody’s business but my own, but you know yourself, even people who are okay with it can still act differently in certain situations. Her awkwardness would make me feel uneasy and I really don’t need that, especially not in the home I built with Maurice.”

  “Well, promise me you’ll think about it.”

  Lizzy agreed, simply because it was Chris who was asking. “All right, I’ll think about it. So, what do you say to an ice cream?”

  *

  After dinner Lizzy retired to her study to do some work, but found herself thinking about Chris’s invitation to check out the new bar. Since she’d lost Maurice, the idea of socializing with other people for fun had been the furthest from her mind. It still was, and she was surprised that she was even contemplating it. She heard Judith pass by her door and got up and followed her to the kitchen.

  “Chris called today. He’s back on home turf again.”

  “I was wondering when he’d turn up. I knew he’d be back sometime this week. I bet he was surprised to find out we’re still here.”

  Lizzy had a flashback of Chris doubled over in laughter. “A little.”

  “Did he have a good time?”

  “Yep, and I’m sure he’ll tell you all about it the first chance he gets. He wants to get a group of people together to try out this new bar he’s heard about. He wondered if we wanted to go.”

  “Sounds like fun. Are you going?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “When is it?”

  “Friday.”

  Judith frowned and averted her eyes. “I can’t Friday. I’m meeting someone.”

  During the time that Judith had been living in her home, Lizzy had never known her go out on an evening. The fact that she was planning to on Friday surprised her and she felt strangely curious. The word who was on the tip of her tongue, but she told herself it wasn’t really any of her business.

  “Okay. Well I’ll let Chris know in the morning.” Lizzy started to walk away, but Judith spoke quickly.

  “I’ve arranged to meet Menno on Friday.”

  Lizzy turned back to face her, this time unable to hide her surprise. “Is that a good idea?”

  “I have to see him sooner or later. There are things that need to be sorted out. I want to make sure that he keeps to his obligations regarding Emily, and seeing as she’s got her sleepover party on Friday, I thought it was the best time.”

  It was clear to Lizzy that Judith was just as unhappy about the idea as she was, but she also realized that it needed to happen. She still didn’t like the idea of Judith being alone with this Menno though.

  “Where are you meeting him?”

  “At a restaurant. I wanted to meet on neutral ground, and he insisted on having dinner.” Judith sighed. “It was a compromise.”

  “Will you be all right?”

  Judith smiled faintly. “I think so. It has to happen sooner or later, and I’d rather get it over and done with.”

  Lizzy didn’t know what else to say. A part of her wanted to convince Judith not to go. She didn’t want Judith to be hurt any more than she had been, but she knew there was little she could do about it.

  Chapter Twelve

  Judith studied the woman in her mirror and questioned her motives.

  Lizzy had offered to drop Emily off at her sleepover, and as soon as they had left Judith had started getting ready for her meeting with Menno. She’d showered, shaved her legs, plucked her eyebrows, and done her nails. She’d also ironed the cocktail dress she was going to wear, a simple but elegant black dress, with a side cut reaching up to her right upper thigh. When she’d first unpacked just over a month ago, she had been annoyed to find that she had unknowingly brought it with her. At the time she couldn’t imagine ever needing it again and had left it crumpled in her suitcase. Yesterday, though, as she had riffled through her clothes wondering what she should wear, she found it again and decided she wanted to look stunning.

  The idea of arriving at the restaurant looking her best had somehow felt empowering, but now, as she stood in front of the mirror applying the last of her makeup, doubt started to creep in and she questioned her motives. Was she really dressing up for herself or was she falling back into the old habit of trying to look her best for him? She stared at the woman in front of her and felt she didn’t know her as well as she should. Who was she and what did she want? She’d already spent most of the night awake pondering over her decision to leave Menno. This would be the first time she would have to confront him and, more importantly, not lose her resolve. She knew that after tonight, there would be no going back. Did she really have the courage and was she strong enough to go through life alone?

  In the distance she heard the front door closing, indicating Lizzy had returned, and a few seconds later Lizzy called out to her.

  “Judith, your taxi’s arrived.”

  Hearing Lizzy’s voice somehow made her feel a little more confident. Looking in the mirror one more time, she took a deep breath and then headed down the hall. Lizzy was kindly holding out her coat for her and Judith noticed how Lizzy’s eyes quickly roamed over her. She felt an urgent need to explain something to Lizzy, but didn’t know what or how.

  “You…” Lizzy hesitated. “Look lovely.”

  Judith felt her cheeks flare up and was grateful she had an excuse to look the other way as she slipped her arms into the sleeves of her coat.

  “I just wanted to look good, you know? Let him see what he’s going to miss or something like that.”

  “If he doesn’t know that already, then he never deserved you in the first place.”

  Judith’s cheeks flared even more and she pretended to fully concentrate on the buttons of her coat.

  “I don’t know how long I’ll be, but I don’t expect to be gone long. What I have to say to Menno is simple enough.”

  Lizzy opened the door for her. “I’ll be here if you need me.”

  Judith looked up at her and found gentle, concerned eyes looking back at her. She managed a thank-you before stepping out onto the landing.

  *

  Before entering the restaurant Judith took a moment to gather her composure and muster up the strength she knew she would need to get through this. A part of her wanted to turn around and go back; the other part desperately wanted to do this. Throughout the past few days all she had done was think about tonight, but during the taxi ride there all she had been able to think about was the way Lizzy had looked at her and the way her compliment had made her feel. Hearing that Lizzy thought she looked lovely pleased her in a way no other comment ever had. She couldn’t quite explain it and guessed it had something to do with the fact that it had been a very long time since someone had complimented her about her looks.

  The headwaiter took her coat and informed her that her dinner partner was already seated. A younger man stepped forward and led Judith to her t
able. She had never been to this particular restaurant before, but it was clear by its décor, the intimate setting, and the manner in which she was being treated that this was an expensive restaurant.

  Menno stood when he noticed them approaching and his expression was one of smug satisfaction.

  “You look wonderful, Judith.”

  He went to kiss her, but Judith turned her head so that his kiss landed on her cheek. He paused briefly before stepping in front of the headwaiter and pulled out her chair for her. It had been a long time since he had treated her so gentlemanly, but she knew it was a façade. Menno knew how to be a gentleman. It just wasn’t his first nature to be one.

  “I took the liberty of ordering for us both. Boeuf Stroganoff, your favorite.”

  Judith had never liked it when he had ordered for the both of them, but she had always told herself it was a form of togetherness and had accepted it without scorn. Now it irritated her that he thought he knew what she wanted. She felt compelled to say something sarcastic, like she fancied chicken, but she bit down on her words and politely replied, “Thank you, Menno.”

  A silence fell between them, a silence that for the moment suited Judith as she tried to acclimate herself to her surroundings. Menno, on the other hand, seemed uncomfortable with it.

  “I’m glad you finally called. I didn’t know where you were. I’ve been really worried. I must have called you on your cell a thousand times.”

  Judith had expressly kept her cell phone switched off since leaving him, anticipating his calls. She’d feared speaking to him, scared that she wouldn’t be able to stand her ground. It had taken her this long to dig up the courage to face him and she wondered just how worried he’d been. If he had truly wanted to find them, then all he had had to do was to go to Emily’s school. Menno continued his act of victim.

  “You left without a word, only a note.” He paused. “I’ve missed you.”

  It had been a long time since Menno had said anything remotely affectionate to her. For that same length of time she had hoped for a mere glimmer of affection from him, but now that he had showed it, she was surprised to find that his remark evoked no feeling whatsoever. A few weeks ago it would have been all he had needed to say to keep her from leaving him.

  Her ongoing silence seemed to frustrate him.

  “Aren’t you going to say anything?”

  Judith took a deep breath, ready to say what she had come to say. “I haven’t come here to patch things up, Menno. I’ve come in the hope of finding a common ground concerning Emily.”

  His smile faded away and his eyes turned cold.

  “Common ground?”

  Judith took another deep breath and concentrated on keeping her nerve. “Yes, common ground. We need to be mature about our new situation. Not necessarily for ourselves, but for Emily’s sake.”

  “Do you take me for a fool?”

  Judith expressly withheld from answering the question.

  “So this dinner is just about practicalities?”

  “Our daughter is anything but a practicality.”

  Menno snorted and Judith did her best to stay calm.

  “This dinner is about two parents taking responsibility for their child.”

  “Ah, come off it. We both know what this is about. There’s another man in your life, isn’t there? And don’t even try to deny it.” He leaned forward and gritted his teeth. “How else would you explain this new attitude of yours?”

  Judith had heard this many times before. The accusation had always hurt her and she had always done her best to convince him otherwise. Now, instead of feeling hurt, she felt angry. Not just angry at him for believing her capable of adultery, but angry at herself for having always accepted his accusations and thus devaluing herself.

  The thumping of her heart pounded in her ears, but she concentrated on keeping her voice as level as she could and looked Menno straight in the eye. “This attitude, as you so delicately put it, is that of a free woman taking back control of her life.”

  “If you think I’m going to support you as a free woman in this so-called new life of yours, think again. Let your new loverboy do that. Or is he the type that leads simple women to his bed, but not his bank?”

  She wanted to scream at him, hit him, pull at his hair, anything to make him see. “All I ever wanted was to love you and have you love me back. It was all Emily ever wanted from you as well, but through your egotism and your closeted inferiority complex you were too blind to see how devoted we were to you.”

  Menno opened his mouth to speak, but Judith continued.

  “That time has come and gone. You and I no longer have any obligations toward each other. I have nothing more to give you and I no longer want anything from you. Emily, on the other hand, whether you like it or not, accept it or not, is your daughter, and you will fulfill your obligations to her.”

  Menno was right in her face. “How dare you speak to me like this? Why don’t you talk to your new lover about obligations? For all we know, he may be her real father.”

  Judith stood, knowing she had to go while she still could. “If you can’t be mature about this, you leave me no other choice but to do this the hard way. You’ll be hearing from a lawyer shortly. Good-bye, Menno.”

  He rose abruptly to his feet. “Who the hell do you think you are?”

  She forced herself to look him straight in the eye one last time. “Whatever the answer may be to that question, it no longer concerns you.”

  With that said, she turned and walked away from him, coaxing her trembling legs to work with her, pleading that they held out, at least until she was outside.

  As she walked down the street in the freezing cold she realized two things. One, she had forgotten her coat, and second, her relationship with Menno was finished. There was no going back. She had closed a chapter in her life, permanently. She had no idea what lay ahead of her or what the next chapter would entail, but whatever it was, she had just entered it.

  *

  When Judith opened the front door, the numbness that had engulfed her on the long walk home gave way to an overwhelming feeling of sadness. As she closed the door behind her she started to cry. She struggled not to, but she had no strength left and her body started to shake uncontrollably.

  “Judith?”

  Judith felt an arm around her shoulders.

  “God, you’re freezing!”

  Judith tried to speak, but she couldn’t.

  Lizzy’s voice was gentle in her ear. “Come on.”

  Judith tried to walk, but her legs would no longer cooperate and she staggered. Lizzy caught her in time and Judith felt herself being lifted off the ground. Before she knew it she was on the couch with a blanket wrapped around her. She thought she heard Lizzy say something about a bath, but her own sobbing drowned out the words. She fought to try to control her body and the flood of tears, but she was defenseless against the onslaught of raw emotion.

  An eternity passed and all that there was were her tears and the flood of emotions freeing themselves after years of captivity. Gradually, her body’s shaking calmed to mere trembling and the flooding tears gave way to a light but consistent flow. She started to become aware of her surroundings again and realized she was cuddled up to Lizzy. She felt too exhausted to feel embarrassed, and the warmth of Lizzy’s closeness was too comforting for her to care. She tried to speak, but her throat was too swollen.

  “There’s a hot bath waiting for you. It will do you good. It will get the chill out of your bones.”

  Judith didn’t know what to think or say, but Lizzy slipped out from under her and stood, pulling her up with her. She felt dizzy and her head pounded, but she let Lizzy help her to the bathroom. Lizzy’s kindness filled the empty holes left by the escaping emotions and Judith felt herself start to lose it again.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  Lizzy pulled down the toilet lid and gestured for Judith to sit.

  “I suggest you stay in the bath for as long as you can,
and keep the water hot. It will minimize the severe cold you’re going to get.” Lizzy hesitated. “Will you be all right on your own?”

  Judith managed a nod and Lizzy hesitated a moment longer before walking out of the bathroom.

  Judith carefully stood and wriggled out of her dress, letting it fall unceremoniously to the floor. She freed herself from her underwear and with considerable concentration stepped into the bath. The water burned her skin and a pulse of heat coursed through her body, making the rest of her feel even colder than it already was. As she submerged herself, the stinging heat of the water transformed into a welcoming antidote, numbing the wretched feeling inside her. As she lay there, a calmness, like a warm blanket, wrapped itself around her heart and bones, bringing with it an overwhelming feeling of tiredness. The events of the evening seemed far off, like a scene from a movie watched long ago.

  Memories from the past appeared before her, then disappeared, making way for others: the curtains closing behind her father’s casket just before its contents were consumed by flames; the first time Menno had accused her of having an affair; the first time she had held Emily in her arms, and the card she had received from her sister shortly thereafter. She saw her mother all dressed up, commanding instructions to caterers, complaining about their lack of enthusiasm. She saw Mrs. Eijk waving her hands about in an enthusiastic gesture, she saw herself walking down the school corridor toward her first class as a teacher. She slid farther into the bath and dunked her head under the hot water. A jolt of sensation shot down her spine. She stayed like that for a while as more images appeared, faster and faster until they were just a blur. When her veins screamed beneath her skin she pulled herself up, taking in deep breaths. She felt naked, not just physically but emotionally, and she felt extremely raw, but with these feelings came an immense sense of purity.

  She pulled at the plug chain and stepped out of the bath. For a moment the room blurred and her legs went weak. She grabbed hold of the side of the bath, focusing on her grip until the dizziness subsided. Her whole body felt heavy, making the task of drying herself off slow and tedious. The dressing gown Lizzy never wore was hanging on a hook on the back of the door and she felt compelled to put it on. That night when Lizzy had arrived unexpectedly, she had put it on in her panic, not giving it a second thought. Now as she wrapped herself up in the dressing gown, she was fully aware of what she was doing. For some reason the idea of wearing something of Lizzy’s at that moment made her feel less raw and more safe. She left the bathroom just as the bath made its final orchestral sucking sound.