Awakening to Sunlight

by Lindsey Stone

  Just before Lizzy had dropped her off back at home, Judith had told her that she needn’t worry about picking up Emily from school that afternoon because she felt well enough to do it herself. They had also arranged to talk later that night, if Lizzy got back on time, about when to give Emily her present. She didn’t need to be at the school for another few hours so she closed her eyes, sinking farther back into the cushions, and hoped Lizzy didn’t have to work late.

  *

  As was usual when Lizzy worked, she forgot about the outside world and the passage of time. The only thing that mattered to her in those moments was getting the designated scene right, and that process was independent of time constraints, no matter what Anita said.

  Most of the crew had left hours ago, but a small group had stayed behind to finish going over the planned shots for the following day. So when they finally decided to wrap it up for the day, she was surprised to see how late it was. She knew that even if Judith had tried to stay up for her she would most likely already be in bed by the time she got back.

  As she expected, the apartment was quiet and in near darkness when she arrived home. She had made it clear to Judith that she might not make it back on time, but she still felt a bit guilty and also a little disappointed. She’d been looking forward to planning Emily’s present with her.

  That night her recurring dream of falling down a shaft was replaced by a dream in which Maurice stood surrounded by children in some kind of orphanage. The other adults weren’t aware of Maurice’s presence. Only the children could see her. Maurice was walking among them, speaking softly to the children and making them smile. For the first time in three years Lizzy awoke and looked over at Maurice’s side of the bed and dared wonder if maybe, just maybe, Maurice wasn’t actually gone, but that she was still out there somewhere, somehow.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Judith had stayed up until eleven o’clock waiting for Lizzy to come home. Then she’d gone to bed with the hope of catching her early in the morning instead. When she awoke to find Lizzy already gone she had at first felt disappointed, but she had quickly pushed the feeling aside, telling herself that maybe Lizzy leaving so early was an indication that she might be able to get back earlier tonight.

  After dropping Emily off at school she returned home and called the job center to let them know that she would be able to work again on Monday. Then she decided the apartment could do with a tidy up. So she riffled through Lizzy’s CD collection, chose a compilation of fifties music, and set about dancing through the dust.

  Menno had always been picky and controlling, making the chore of cleaning their home a stressful responsibility, but today Judith laughed while she worked. She laughed at him and at herself: How the hell can someone make a mistake when vacuuming and what the hell does it matter anyway?

  So as the divas of the fifties accompanied her around the apartment, she stepped even farther away from her old life, and with every piece of clothing she picked up and with every sweep of the vacuum, she felt she was coming home to herself.

  She felt tired afterward but wasn’t ready to give in to her fatigue, so she set about preparing dinner. She understood that now that shooting had started she would see even less of Lizzy, but she secretly hoped Lizzy would make it back on time tonight. She knew it was unfair to hope for such a thing, but she felt happy and for some reason she wanted to share that with Lizzy just as much as she wanted to share Emily’s gift with her.

  *

  As soon as Lizzy opened the door she recognized the aroma of garlic and onions and realized she was ravenous. She was pleased to see that the light in the living room was on, indicating that Judith was still up. She had tried to make it home earlier than yesterday, but it was still after ten o’clock and she’d been worried that she might have missed Judith again. She quickly hung her jacket up and turned to see Judith standing at the end of the hallway.

  “Are you hungry?”

  “I am now.” Lizzy spoke a little too enthusiastically and Judith’s smile broadened.

  “You don’t know what I’ve made yet.”

  “True, but it smells absolutely divine.”

  “I’m sure I can scrape enough leftovers together, as long as you don’t mind eating food that’s been in the bin.”

  Lizzy wasn’t sure how to respond. She wasn’t used to Judith teasing her like this, but found the mischievous twinkle in her eyes enticing. She pretended to seriously consider the question.

  “That depends. Was the bin clean when you threw it in or was it—”

  “Let’s stop right there, shall we?” Judith screwed up her face and held up her hand. “I’ll go and warm up your plate.”

  Lizzy laughed and followed her into the living room. She immediately noticed that something was different. The room seemed somehow fresher, warmer, and more welcoming than it had yesterday. It took her several seconds to realize that the place had been given a really good cleaning. She felt something inside her stir. Maurice had always been the one to show initiative when it came to cleaning up the place. She’d let Lizzy off the hook as long as she cooperated. Lizzy had been the one who had done most of the designing when they had bought the place, but it had been Maurice’s daily touches that had made their home warm and welcoming. She remembered the first time they had had to spend a week away from one another. Lizzy had missed her the whole time and she had come home late in the night to find Maurice still up, waiting for her.

  Maurice was barely up from the couch before Lizzy bridged the distance and took her in her arms, kissing her long and hard. She managed to whisper, “I love you,” but the words did not do justice to what she felt. She needed Maurice in every possible way. Maurice broke free from the kiss and stared into her eyes, looking farther than anyone else ever had, and whispered back, “I love you too.”

  Lizzy had made love to her right there on the couch. It had been quick and rough, her urgency too strong for her to go slow, and Maurice had surrendered to her, giving herself completely, knowing and understanding her need. With every kiss, with every touch, Lizzy had claimed Maurice as her own again and had felt with awe the woman she loved and respected climax under her fingers.

  “Lizzy, are you okay?”

  Lizzy ignored the voice that barely registered above the loud beating of her heart and closed her eyes, trying to hold on to the image of Maurice, ignoring the ache inside her chest. She felt a slight touch on her arm and knew instinctively that it wasn’t Maurice. She opened her eyes again and for a moment lost herself in the warmth of Judith’s gaze, finding a place free from Maurice and herself. A place that was so far away from her past and her pain that it had a soothing effect. Then her brain started processing again and she became acutely aware of how close Judith was. She broke eye contact and moved around her. She headed for the kitchen, unsure why, and automatically reached for the kettle, grateful to be able to touch something so meaningless. She could feel Judith watching her. Reluctantly, she took a deep breath and looked up. “I’m sorry.”

  “Lizzy, what just happened?”

  Lizzy didn’t know how to answer. What she felt was so private, so intangible, and ran so deep that she simply couldn’t explain it, but to simply brush it aside was just too painful. Her own silence was deafening.

  “I’ll warm up your dinner.” Judith’s tone was even, but Lizzy detected no hint of judgment and simply stepped aside when Judith joined her in the kitchen. Food was now the furthest thing from her mind, but she remained silent as Judith set about warming up her dinner, grateful she wasn’t pushing the matter.

  “Why don’t you go and sit down and I’ll bring you your plate.”

  “You don’t have to—”

  “I know, but I want to. Now please go and sit down.” Judith took the kettle out of her hands and turned to the sink to fill it. Not knowing what else to do, Lizzy did as Judith had asked. She sat in her favorite spot next to the fireplace and looked about her. She hadn’t changed anything in the apartment since Maurice’s dea
th and yet it no longer looked the same. Without Maurice their home had lost its heart, and right now she felt completely detached from it. She focused on Judith as she worked in the kitchen and remembered how much she’d enjoyed shopping for Emily’s costume with her and why she’d been eager to get home. Somehow, having something new to hold on to helped.

  A few minutes later Judith passed her a plate of pasta and a mug of steaming tea. The words thank you seemed somehow insufficient, but she muttered them anyway for want of anything else to say. She still didn’t feel like eating but forced herself to take a bite. The food was soft, creamy, and tasty, making it easy to swallow.

  Judith sat on the other couch and watched Lizzy take a second bite. She wasn’t sure what had just transpired. Lizzy had frozen on the spot and she’d gone to her, unsure what to do. She had searched Lizzy’s eyes, trying to understand. She had never believed the notion that the eyes were the windows to the soul, but Lizzy’s definitely told a story and she wished she knew a way to reach out to her. Lizzy was looking more like herself again, but Judith knew that whatever it was that held Lizzy captive still lingered just beneath the surface. She wanted to ask her about it, she wanted to find a way in, but knew instinctively that now was not the right time and that maybe it never would be.

  Lizzy placed her empty plate onto the coffee table. “How on earth do you do it?”

  Judith felt a little self-conscious. She still couldn’t believe that Lizzy liked her cooking so much. “Salt and pepper. They’re the remedy for every meal.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t make it back on time last night. I did try.”

  “Don’t move!”

  Lizzy watched with bewilderment as Judith dashed out of the room. When she came back she was carrying Emily’s costume and a roll of wrapping paper. She placed everything down onto the coffee table and then stepped back with a glowing smile.

  “I was thinking we could give Emily her present now.”

  “But she’s asleep.”

  “Exactly. That way we can put it at the end of her bed without her knowing and she can wake up to the surprise.”

  Lizzy loved the idea, and together they gift-wrapped the costume along with the accessories. Then they crept into Emily’s room and placed the items on the end of her bed. They both stood back admiring their handiwork. Judith was contemplating whether or not she should tell Lizzy how much it meant to her to be able to share this moment with her when Lizzy whispered in her ear, “The place looks great, by the way. Thank you.”

  Judith had at one point in the afternoon wondered whether Lizzy would notice her attempt at cleaning the place up, but hadn’t given it a second thought since. Realizing now that she had noticed her efforts and appreciated them gave her even more pleasure, and she was glad she had taken the initiative. She turned to face her and found Lizzy looking at her in a way that made her feel warm inside. “You’re welcome.”

  She followed her out into the hall, making sure to leave the door open a crack. In the shadows of the hall, Lizzy spoke hesitantly.

  “I was wondering if you wanted to watch a movie tomorrow night. I probably won’t be back till late, but as tomorrow is Saturday, I thought I could pick one up on the way home.”

  Judith couldn’t think of anything else that she would rather be doing tomorrow night and readily agreed.

  *

  The following morning Lizzy was woken up by a mini pirate jumping up and down on her bed. Still half dead to the world, she let herself be dragged out of bed and somehow mustered up the energy to play with her until Judith came to her rescue. She then quickly showered and dressed and was about to leave for work when Emily joined her in the hall and asked her, with bright beaming eyes, if she could come back home before Emily went to sleep so that they could play more pirates. Lizzy didn’t want to disappoint her, but she knew there was no way she was going to be able to make it back before Emily’s bedtime. She tried as best she could to explain why she couldn’t, which wasn’t easy as it meant watching her eager smile fade away. Then Emily’s eyes lit up again as she pleaded with Lizzy to promise her that no matter what, she would make it back on time Monday to hear about the audition. Lizzy felt powerless against Emily’s charm, and not wanting to disappoint her, promised she would.

  *

  She’d been able to keep to the shooting schedule over the weekend, but today was proving more difficult, and it was because of her promise to Emily that Lizzy was starting to lose her patience with the man standing in front of her. Time was ticking on and he was intent on explaining to her how he thought his character should act in a particular shot. Normally Lizzy would find the time to listen to any input if it meant a chance of making the scene better, but this man was obviously misinterpreting the function of his character and grossly overestimating its importance. It was moments like these when she wished she had it in her to be a little bit more ruthless. Instead, she held on to her patience and dug deep into her bag of people skills and managed to convince him to do what he was supposed to do, willingly.

  As soon as she could steal a moment for herself she checked her cell to see if she had missed a call from Judith. She had arranged with her that she would call her as soon as she knew anything about Emily’s audition, but Judith hadn’t called yet and it was already nearly six o’clock. She’d felt anxious for Emily all day, wondering how she was doing and hoping that Mrs. Bouwman would at least let her do the audition even if she wasn’t going to change her mind about Emily being a fairy. She decided she couldn’t wait any longer to find out and found a spot that guaranteed a little more privacy and called home. She didn’t even wait for Judith to finish saying her name.

  “Did she make it?”

  Judith giggled and whispered. “I’m not allowed to tell you. She wants to tell you herself. She said she’ll wait up all night if she has to.”

  Lizzy couldn’t help but grin.

  Judith spoke a little more hesitantly this time. “Do you think you’ll be able to get home in time?”

  Lizzy rubbed the back of her neck feeling guilty, because she knew it would take a miracle.

  “I’m not sure, but I’m doing my best.”

  Lizzy wasn’t quite ready for the conversation to end. Somehow Judith’s warm voice was a soothing antidote to her busy surroundings, and she wished she had the time to talk longer. She reluctantly hung up, even more determined to get the next scene done so she could get home.

  *

  Judith welcomed her home with a warm smile.

  “Is she awake?”

  “She’s awake, barely.”

  Lizzy instantly relaxed. “Can I go to her, then?”

  Judith’s smile deepened. “Of course.”

  Lizzy didn’t need any more encouragement and set off down the hall to Emily’s room and gently knocked on the open door. Emily answered sleepily. “Is that you, Lizzy?”

  Lizzy pushed the door further open and stepped inside Emily’s bedroom. The look of sheer delight on Emily’s face made her heart melt.

  “Hey, matey, so how did it go?”

  Emily jumped out of bed and into Lizzy’s arms. “Oh, Lizzy, I made it. I made it. I’m a pirate!”

  “You did? That’s brilliant!” Lizzy felt a surge of pride.

  “You should have seen me, I was great…”

  Lizzy sat on the edge of the bed while Emily recounted and reenacted every single detail of her audition. Judith entered at some point with a cup of tea for Lizzy and then joined them on the bed. Only when Emily had exhausted the story to the extent that little details were starting to change did Judith insist it was time for her to go to sleep. Emily insisted that Lizzy stay and tuck her in as well, and so Lizzy did.

  Lizzy shook her head. “I can’t believe she actually did it. I would have felt really bad if she hadn’t.” She followed Judith into the kitchen.

  “I know, I can’t believe it myself.” Judith turned around and stopped laughing when she saw how Lizzy was looking at her. “What?”

  Li
zzy shrugged. “It’s nice seeing you like this.”

  “Like what?”

  Lizzy seemed to struggle for the right word. “Happy?”

  “Seeing my daughter happy makes me happy.”

  “Well, it suits you.”

  Judith blushed and Lizzy immediately wondered why she’d said such a thing. She quickly looked away.

  “Have you ever thought about having a child of your own?”

  Lizzy felt very uncomfortable with the question. “I’ve never thought of myself as parent material.”

  “I think you would make a great parent.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “Because you’re sincere in your interest and you keep your word.”

  Lizzy frowned. “That’s not exactly the same as raising a child twenty-four seven.”

  “No, but believe me, it can make all the difference. Emily was looking forward to telling you her good news herself. She would have been crushed if you hadn’t made it back, but you gave her your word and you kept it.”

  “Well, she did have a sword in her hand at the time she made me promise her.”

  Judith simply smiled. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

  Lizzy was surprised at the question as well as the sudden change of subject.

  “Considering there was a good chance you were going to be home early tonight, I took the liberty of renting one.”

  “I’ve turned you into a tea drinker and a movie watcher. I wonder what will follow next.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Judith sat quietly in the passenger seat while Lizzy spoke into her cell phone. They had already dropped Emily off with Chris, who had been kind enough to offer his services as babysitter, and were now on their way to the studio. Judith had been looking forward to this day all week and although she felt excited, she was also feeling apprehensive. Not only was she about to find out where Lizzy went every day and see how a movie was really made, she was about to meet the people with whom Lizzy spent so much time. She felt nervous about what they would make of her.