Awakening to Sunlight

by Lindsey Stone

  *

  The taxi pulled up in front of a tall, modern apartment complex that was clearly upscale. They stepped inside a wide, well-lit foyer and crossed a white marble floor to reach the elevator. The smartness of her surroundings only added to Judith’s nervousness.

  “I didn’t realize that Anita was so well off.”

  “Looks can be deceiving. This place cost her a ton all right, but she worked hard to get it, saving her money for years. What you see here is the fruit of determination and hard labor. I personally don’t like this modern look. I prefer a bit of history in my walls.”

  “Me too.”

  A silence fell between them as they waited for the elevator to arrive. Judith’s nerves were starting to get the better of her and as soon as they stepped inside, she felt compelled to fill the silence.

  “It’s been so long since I’ve been to a party.”

  “Same here.”

  Lizzy sounded tense and Judith realized she’d been so caught up with her own nerves that she hadn’t stopped to think that Lizzy might be anxious too.

  “Are you nervous?”

  Lizzy started tapping her right index finger against her leg and seemed to chew on her words before answering. “Yes.”

  Judith wanted to take Lizzy’s hand into her own to stop the nervous tic, but withheld the urge. “Why?”

  Lizzy looked down at her feet. “Because I’m no longer the person they want me to be.”

  Judith was completely taken aback by her statement and had no idea what to make of it, but before she could get her to elaborate, the elevator came to a stop and the doors slid open.

  The apartment was spacious, with a high ceiling and long extending walls, but at the moment it was jam-packed with jostling bodies. Lizzy leaned in close and Judith caught a whiff of her tantalizing perfume, a fresh, crispy scent that was somehow intimately alluring. She liked it.

  “Shall I get us some drinks?”

  Judith appreciated the offer, but didn’t want to be left alone. “How about we both go?”

  Lizzy nodded and they started to make their way through the crowd, but they only made it a few steps before somebody called out Lizzy’s name. Suddenly they were surrounded by a group of people engaging Lizzy in conversation. Lizzy managed to introduce Judith to the group and she was given welcoming smiles and firm handshakes, but it was obvious they were only interested in Lizzy. One woman in particular stood out: a tall blonde in a tight red cocktail dress with a bulging cleavage. She seemed intent on holding Lizzy’s attention by keeping her in conversation. Lizzy seemed not to mind and Judith started to feel like a third wheel. She was growing increasingly thirsty. Somebody tapped the tall blonde on her shoulder, causing her to look away, and Judith quickly seized the opportunity to speak to Lizzy.

  “I’m going to find us something to drink.”

  She turned to leave, but Lizzy whispered, “Please don’t.”

  It took her a full second to register the meaning of Lizzy’s words and realized in that instant that Lizzy needed her. The notion rocked her to the core and she felt a surge of protectiveness. Her previous nerves and discomfort disappeared as she resolved to stand with Lizzy and help her get through the evening.

  “Hey, Lizzy! Judith!”

  They turned in the direction of Anita’s voice. She was making her way toward them and appeared happy and slightly tipsy.

  “How long have you been here already, and why aren’t you holding any glasses? Come with me.”

  She quickly maneuvered them away from the tall blonde and led them through the rest of the guests to an expansive open kitchen. The surfaces were covered with trays of party snacks. Anita opened the refrigerator, grabbed a can of beer, and shoved it into Lizzy’s hand before turning to Judith. “Judith my dear, what will it be, wine, beer, or something stronger?”

  “Wine, please.”

  Anita filled a glass with red wine for Judith and topped up her own. Lizzy was studying the crowd with a somewhat pained expression.

  “How many people did you invite?”

  “I’m not sure. The cast and crew, family, of course, and I also sent an automated invitation to all the addresses in my e-mail account. Sam did the same… Speaking of him, I haven’t seen him in a while.”

  “Maybe he saw how many people you invited and ran off.”

  Anita slapped Lizzy on the arm. “Stop complaining. You know as well as I do that these types of parties are good for business. You should be out there mingling and convincing potential investors with that charm of yours to give us their money.”

  Lizzy pulled a face, causing Anita to laugh.

  “Ah, speaking of potential investors, I think I see Mrs. van Schelten, if I’m not mistaken.” She grabbed Lizzy’s hand, pulling her forward, and turned to Judith.

  “There’s somebody I need her to meet. It will be good for business. I promise I’ll get her back to you as soon as possible.” She started to walk away, pulling Lizzy in tow, but Lizzy stood firm and spoke to Judith.

  “Will you be all right?”

  “Will you?”

  Lizzy’s eyes wandered to somewhere over Judith’s shoulder and lingered there for a brief moment before they slowly returned to Judith’s face accompanied by a faint smile. “Thanks for earlier.”

  Judith didn’t know why Lizzy found it so difficult being here and although she wanted to know why, it was more important, at that moment, that Lizzy knew she was there for her. “You’re welcome.”

  Lizzy hesitated and Judith gently touched her arm. “I’m not going anywhere.” She nodded in the direction of Anita, who was waiting patiently a few feet away.

  “Now go and help your producer reel in her fish.”

  *

  As the evening progressed, Judith ended up chitchatting with several people. Some of them were interested in her, while others, once they found out what she did for work, quickly found a way to end the conversation and move on. Through it all, she kept her eye on Lizzy. Now and again Lizzy would look up from her conversation, searching the room until she found her. They would smile at each other before looking away again. Chris and Tom arrived sometime during the evening and Judith was grateful to have somebody to talk to whom she knew.

  Toward the end of the evening Judith found herself seated on a couch having an engaging conversation with a woman who also had once taught art, albeit to adults. While they talked she noticed that Lizzy was dancing a slow dance with Anita in her arms. They were dancing pretty close to one another and Anita was whispering something in Lizzy’s ear. Their intimacy made her stomach tingle. She quickly tried to rationalize what she was feeling, but the woman next to her followed her gaze.

  “It’s strange not seeing her with Maurice, isn’t it?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I’m sorry, I presumed you knew Lizzy. Everybody else here seems to, or…” She nodded in the direction of the tall blonde staring shamelessly at Lizzy. “Want to.”

  Anita’s fiancé stepped forward, blocking their view.

  “Would any of you ladies care to dance?”

  The woman next to Judith answered first. “I’ve already danced with you tonight, Sam.”

  “Indeed you have.” He turned his smile to Judith, but Judith politely declined.

  “You’d be doing me a great service. It won’t be long now before I’m no longer allowed to dance with another beautiful woman without being punished.” He winked and Judith couldn’t help but laugh. She was fully aware that if it wasn’t for the alcohol swimming through her veins she wouldn’t have found his remark that funny, but she let herself be pulled up off the couch and led to the designated dancing area. She glanced over one more time to where Lizzy and Anita were dancing before she let Sam take her in his arms. She couldn’t recall ever dancing with another man besides Menno, and she was amazed at how comfortable she felt dancing with Sam. He kept an appropriate distance and was sincere and gentle.

  After only a few minutes of dancing Anita abruptly broke thei
r hold. “Let’s swap.”

  Before she knew it, Anita was off with Sam and she was in the arms of Lizzy. The easiness she had just felt dancing with Sam immediately disappeared, a sort of breathless tension taking its place. She had never danced with a woman before and she didn’t dare look Lizzy in the eye. She couldn’t believe what she was feeling. Lizzy’s scent tantalized her and the gentle firmness of Lizzy’s arms felt safe, yet arousing. To her own amazement she realized she wanted to be closer to Lizzy, she wanted her arms tighter around her. For a split second she dared wonder what it would be like to rest her lips on the scented part of Lizzy’s neck. Just then Lizzy leaned forward and whispered, “You had nothing to worry about, you are the most beautiful-looking woman here.”

  Judith felt her stomach ripple with warm waves. Lizzy’s compliments always enthralled her and yet she never truly believed them, but being so close to her and having her whisper one in her ear made the world a very different place. For want of not knowing what to say or do, she just held on and followed Lizzy’s gentle but firm lead.

  Chapter Twenty

  Judith was feeling slightly hungover as she tiptoed down the hall past Lizzy’s bedroom. She wasn’t sure if she was still in bed and was trying to be quiet just in case.

  She’d awoken from a deep sleep and had enjoyed a few seconds of peaceful contentment before the memories of the previous night had come flooding back: Lizzy letting her know she needed her there, the blond woman shamelessly trying to get Lizzy’s attention, and then the dance. She felt confused by the emotions the dance had evoked and embarrassed about the way her body had reacted. Last night she had tried to blame it on the alcohol, but now, just thinking about it caused a slight ripple in her stomach. As she pulled on her coat she saw Lizzy’s jacket hanging on the coat rack and knew that meant she was still in bed. Feeling grateful that she didn’t have to speak to her yet, she quietly closed the door behind her and set off to pick up Emily.

  *

  Emily was in the guest room playing something called an Xbox. Apparently Chris’s niece had brought it with her the previous evening and left it for Emily to play with some more. Emily had no objections to staying a bit longer while Judith had a cup of coffee.

  “So, did you enjoy yourself at the party last night?”

  Judith felt Lizzy’s hand at the base of her back leading her around the dance floor and quickly pushed the thought away. “Yes, although it was difficult not knowing anyone there. And you?”

  “Tom would have preferred staying home, but me, where there’s music, food, and drinks, I’m enjoying myself.”

  Judith took a small sip of her coffee before asking the question that had been on her mind all the way to Chris’s. “Who’s Maurice?”

  Chris’s smile disappeared. “What made you ask that?”

  “I overheard someone last night saying they still found it difficult seeing Lizzy without Maurice.”

  “Have you spoken to Lizzy about it?”

  “No, we were both done in by the time we got back and we both went straight to bed.”

  “What is it that you want to know?”

  Judith lifted her shoulders and spoke honestly. “I don’t know exactly. I just wondered who he was. I thought maybe he was an ex-lover.”

  Chris opened his mouth to respond but then hesitated. He studied Judith for a moment and his expression softened.

  “She. Maurice was a woman, and yes, they were lovers.” He looked into his cup. “I personally always thought of them as soul mates.”

  Now it was Judith’s turn to gape as her mind struggled to understand the meaning of Chris’s words.

  “Lizzy’s gay?”

  Chris frowned. “Is that a problem for you?”

  “No, no, of course not. I just, well, I never expected it.” The tall blonde who had been shadowing Lizzy all night came to mind and Judith quickly pushed the memory of her away. “So you knew her?”

  “Yes.”

  “Is she the one that hurt Lizzy?”

  Chris relaxed back in his chair and sighed. “In a way, yes.”

  “What happened?”

  Chris frowned. “I don’t think I’m the right person to be talking to you about this.”

  Judith appreciated his reluctance and respected his loyalty, but during the past few months she had caught glimpses of Lizzy’s hidden pain and she’d wanted to reach out to her. If she could know what the cause of that pain was, then maybe she could understand her better.

  “If you feel awkward then don’t tell me, but I’m not asking out of some morbid curiosity. I’m asking because I care.”

  Chris contemplated her words and seemed to accept their sincerity. “She died. Three years ago.”

  Judith stared at Chris, too shocked to believe him. “How?”

  Chris grimaced. “Leukemia.”

  Judith’s heart plummeted even further. The words, “Oh God!” escaped her lips.

  Chris quickly responded with disdain. “God had nothing to do with it.”

  Judith knew leukemia was a horrible illness and a terrible way to die. The fact that Lizzy had loved someone with leukemia and had then watched her die seemed surreal. Her mind spun as she tried to absorb this information. She knew how she had felt when her father had died and how much she missed him still, each day, but to lose a loved one, a soul mate—the pain was unimaginable.

  “How old was she?” Judith knew her question was pointless, but she was still trying to understand, to comprehend what Lizzy had gone through.

  “Thirty-one.”

  “Oh, Chris, that’s just terrible.”

  Judith tried to imagine Lizzy living with another woman.

  “What was she like?”

  Chris smiled wearily. “I can honestly tell you that she was one of the nicest people you could have wished to meet.” He poured more coffee into his own cup and sat back down. “Each year, on the anniversary of her death, a bunch of us go visit her grave and have a drink to celebrate her life.”

  “And Lizzy?” Judith felt her heart break thinking of what Lizzy must have gone through. How on earth does someone get over something like that?

  “Lizzy doesn’t come. I don’t even think she’s been back there since the funeral. I know it’s been three years, but I don’t think she’s truly accepted Maurice’s death.” Chris shook his head. “For a while there, I thought we were going to lose her too.”

  Judith felt a flicker of panic. “How do you mean?”

  “Well, after Maurice died she just seemed to give up. She locked herself away at home. Wouldn’t pick up the phone or see anyone, not even her own mother. We were all scared she’d do something to herself. At one point I used my spare key to get in and I found her just sitting there on the couch staring out into space, completely oblivious to my presence. I had to shake her to get her to acknowledge me.”

  Judith tried to imagine the scene and wished she could have been there for Lizzy.

  “She must have really loved her.”

  “She did. They were together for twelve years, and I think they would have gone on forever.”

  Judith thought about all the times Lizzy had avoided certain conversations and the times she had pulled away from her. Certain things about Lizzy’s behavior now started to make sense, and it hurt Judith to think of the pain that Lizzy must feel every day.

  “She’s never mentioned her, not once.”

  “She never talks about her. I know that’s not supposed to be a healthy thing, but as long as she’s venturing outside and getting on with her life, I’m not going to question it. You should know that Anita was Maurice’s best friend, and last night would have been extremely difficult for Lizzy. As far as I’m aware, it was the first party Lizzy has been to since Maurice’s death and certainly the first time she had appeared at such a gathering without her.”

  Realizing what Lizzy must have been feeling last night tore at Judith’s heart and she felt lost with the revelations into Lizzy’s past. She had wanted to know the cause of
her pain so as to understand her better and help ease it, but now that she did know, she knew she would never be able to comprehend. What Lizzy had gone through left scars too deep to ever truly heal.

  *

  Lizzy waited patiently in her car until she saw Isabel slowly making her way up the street carrying a bag of groceries. She stayed seated a few moments longer, debating with herself whether she wanted to do this before finally stepping out of the car and crossing the street.

  Isabel turned around, looking a little apprehensive at hearing Lizzy’s approaching footsteps, but Lizzy simply reached for the grocery bag. “Let me.”

  Isabel stared at her for a long moment before letting Lizzy take the bag. “You always were well mannered.”

  She started walking again and Lizzy walked silently by her side until they reached her house. Nothing had changed in the past three years, and the familiarity of it made it seem like it was only yesterday since she had last visited Maurice’s grandmother. They walked on through to the kitchen, which had always functioned as the main room of the house. Lizzy did as she was told and lifted the bag of groceries up onto the counter and then sat at the kitchen table while Isabel set about making some tea.

  “So how was the party last night?”

  “How did you know about that?”

  “Anita was here a few days ago informing me of her engagement. She even invited me to the party, bless her. I told her that I’ve been trying to age gracefully. Going to a party and being the only one with gray hair, a bent back, and a walking stick would not help me in my plight.” She waved a hand in the air. “And besides, she’s bringing him around tomorrow so I can meet him.”

  Lizzy knew that Anita had kept in contact with Isabel, but she’d had no idea how close they had become.

  “He’s a good guy.”

  Isabel poured steaming water into two mugs. “She told me you were living with someone.”

  “It’s not what you think. We’re not together or anything like that. She was a friend of a friend who needed help. I’m just helping her out.”