by Jay McLean
"What?"
"That we live too much for each other. Do you ever wonder what would happen if anything—"
"Shut up," he whispers, cutting me off. "I'm going to make love to you now, and we're going to forget that you just said that."
So that's what he does—makes love to me.
And I do. I forget. I forget everything else in the entire world—because he is my entire world.
-CAMERON-
With classes, studying, work at the firm and work at the store, I've barely had time to see Lucy. We do our best to sleep in the same bed at night, but even that's becoming a struggle. I'm barely awake through all of it, which is why it's kind of cool that Roxy is around to keep me in check. "Are you dying?" she says, pulling up a chair and sitting next to me in class.
I laugh once, drop my pencil and turn to her. "What the hell?"
She shrugs. "You've been missing a few classes lately and you missed a day at work the other day. Also, and please don't be offended, but you look like ass."
"I have a lot going on." I stretch my arms and yawn loudly.
"Yeah?" She rests her forearms on the desk and leans closer. I look away when my eyes catch way too much cleavage. "Anything I can help with?"
Shaking my head, I answer, "No. Just stuff with my best friend, and just all this other shit is getting on top of me. I don't have time to relax, and I have to keep my grades up or they can withdraw my scholarship, and Lucy—"
"Is she bugging you to always spend time with her? Does she not understand?"
My eyes narrow. "No. That's not it at all. She gets it... I think. It's both of us, really. We both want to be with each other but it's happening less and less and I think that it's throwing me off balance. She keeps me grounded, but it's harder now..."
She smiles a sympathetic smile. "Is there something you can cut out to free up some time?"
I can't help but laugh. "No, there's nothing. I need to do it all. I need to work at the firm or I have to find a way to pay for this education. I need a job, so that I can eat. I need to eat to live. And I need to live to see Lucy."
She smiles, that same smile from only seconds ago. "Sounds like you do it all for Lucy."
I roll my eyes. "I do everything for Lucy."
"Huh," she says, before getting off her chair and walking away.
I don't know what she means by 'huh', but I don't care enough to think about it.
***
I quickly dress for work and head back down to my car. "Cameron," I hear, and I already know who it is without turning around. Roxy's running toward me barefoot with her heels in her hand. "Please tell me you're going to work right now."
"Yeah," I shout, waiting for her to catch up.
"Oh my God, I rushed out of class and to the bathroom to change and then I missed my bus and ran all the way here." She drops her shit when she gets to me and bends over, trying to catch her breath—her shirt's so low that her tits nearly fall out.
I turn away.
When she finally settles enough to stand upright, she crosses her arms over her chest and shivers. "Anyway," she says, rubbing her arms. "Can I get a ride?"
I shrug out of my jacket and hand it to her. "Sure," I tell her, jerking my head toward my car. She covers herself in my jacket, but doesn't put her arms through.
"Holy shit," she laughs out. "A Delorean?"
My smile is smug; it always is when people realize what I drive.
I press the button on the remote and stand back while the doors lift for her. "Please," I mock, throwing my hand out for her to take, "step into my time machine."
Her head throws back with laughter, as she gets in ass first, with her legs together so she doesn't show off too much of what's under her short-ass skirt.
"You're an idiot," she says.
"I know," I laugh.
I close her door and lift my head, and then my heart stops.
"Hey," Lucy says, her eyes slowly moving from Roxy to me. But having Roxy sitting in the car isn't what made the beating of my heart falter. It's not even the fact that she looks hurt by it. It's the fact that her eyes are red and puffy like she's been crying for days.
"What's going on?" I stand so I'm in front of her and take both her hands in mine.
She lifts her gaze, but her eyes are unfocused, not looking at me, but past me. "I've been trying to call you."
My eyes narrow in confusion. I pull my phone out of my pocket and see over twenty missed calls. "Fuck, I switched it to silent when I was in the library. Are you okay?"
Her eyes dart to Roxy in the car, before coming back to me. "Yeah, go to work." She fakes a smile. "I'll talk to you later about it."
She starts to turn but I hold her hand tighter. "Lucy."
"It's fine," she clips. "Call me when you're done." She stands on her toes and kisses me quickly, but I swear it—there's a second of hesitation where she almost stops herself. She jerks back, like maybe she's doing something wrong.
She roughly yanks her hand from mine.
And all I can do is watch her walk away.
The honking of my horn gets my attention. Roxy taps at an imaginary watch on her wrist.
***
I can't focus. I can barely stay awake. I look at the clock. Half an hour left. I need to go home. I need to call Lucy, find out where she is, see her, and talk about what happened that made her cry.
I just need Lucy.
Which is why when my boss comes to my cubicle and tells me that Roxy and I need to stay back to digitalize some files from the Wilmington branch, I go to the men's bathroom and punch a hole in a door. It's the worst fucking timing, but I don't argue. I can't. So instead, I lean against the counter and dial Lucy's number.
"Hey," she answers, the same sadness in her voice from earlier.
"Luce," I breathe out, and I can already imagine her face turning from sadness to disappointment. "I have to work late tonight."
Silence.
"I'd get out of it but—"
"It's fine," she cuts in. "What can you do?" She sighs loudly before adding, "Call me when you're done, okay?"
"Yeah, babe, I will."
More silence.
"I love you, Luce," I say, but she's already hung up.
***
"I can't believe we have to do this shit," Roxy states. Everyone's left the office but us. We're stuck scanning a bunch of documents and filing them into the server. The job’s boring, monotonous, and it doesn't help my mind from wondering about what the hell is wrong with Lucy.
"We're gonna be here a while," she continues. "You wanna order some Chinese or something? I'm starving."
"Sure. Whatever."
Fifteen minutes later we're sitting on the floor with a spread of containers in front of us. My mood has brightened a little; maybe I just needed some food.
I suck on a noodle, letting it splash all over my face just like Lachlan does when he eats spaghetti.
"You're a mess," she says. She lifts a napkin and goes to wipe my face.
I pull back. "I got it," I tell her.
Once I'm clean, I loosen my tie and pull it over my head, then take off my shirt. I only have two shirts suitable for work, and the one I'm wearing can last another shift before I need to wash it.
Ten minutes later we're almost out of food. "I'm so full." She untucks her blouse from her skirt and lies on the floor. "I feel like I need a nap."
"I feel like I want to eat more but won't be able to fit it."
She laughs. "Do the dad thing."
"What dad thing?"
"You know, undo your belt and pants, let your gut hang out."
"Dude, that's an amazing idea."
She laughs as I make a show of undoing my belt, but I stop at my pants. I polish off whatever's left and copy her position on the floor with the empty containers in between us.
Once I'm settled, she faces me. "So I gotta ask you something, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way."
"Okay?"
She leans
up on her elbow and turns her body to face me. Her cleavage even more exposed now. "The other day you said something about how you do everything for Lucy; what did you mean?"
"I don't know. It's just the way we work, I guess. We do everything for each other."
"How long have you guys been dating?"
"Since we were fifteen."
"Holy shit," she says incredulously. "That's a long-ass time."
"I guess." The food, the exhaustion, my life—it's starting to take its toll. If I closed my eyes, I'd be asleep. I wonder if I could nap. Just ten minutes.
"So you guys chose colleges and everything together and you got in the same one. That's pretty cool."
I nod, my eyelids heavy. "Yeah. Kind of. Not really."
"No?"
"No. I mean I'd go wherever she was. I didn't know that I wanted to be an architect or that—I mean, that I had it in me or whatever." I let out an exhausted sigh. "I didn't really plan on college. My mom and I—we're not poor, but we're not really financially able to afford college, you know?"
"Yeah," she laughs. "You've seen where I live, right?"
"Yeah..."
"Cam?"
I open my eyes and face her, trying to avoid her chest.
"If you hadn't met Lucy, what do you think you'd be doing?"
I don't even hesitate to answer. "Probably selling cars at my mom's boyfriend's dealership."
She nods, like she understands. "So what do you think would make you happier? This or selling cars?"
I swallow nervously, because I know my answer is wrong. I know it feels wrong. And I know I shouldn't be voicing it, but I do anyway. "Selling cars."
"Huh," she says, lying back down.
I move my gaze from her and back up to the ceiling, but I catch something from the corner of my eye. Not something, someone. I sit up, faster than my stomach likes. "Lucy."
"I didn't know," she says, shaking her head.
"What?" I'm on my feet now, walking the few steps to get to her.
Her eyes move down my body and focus on my waist.
I look down at my unfastened belt. "It's not what—"
"It's okay, Cameron." She looks behind me at the pile of my discarded clothes.
My heart's beating out of my chest. "Babe..." I know what this looks like to her—but she's so wrong.
"I didn't know," she says again.
My mind’s reeling. My insides are twisted. There's a lump in my throat as big as the ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.
Say something.
She blows out a heavy breath, her eyes so full of tears that if she blinked, they'd fall.
And then she does.
She blinks.
They fall.
I break.
"Lucy."
She fakes a smile. "I came to..." She lifts the paper bag in her hand.
"You brought me dinner?" I finally manage to say.
She nods. Her tears fall faster. "But you've already..."
Her eyes finally move from behind me and rise, up, up, up to mine. And my world stops. For a completely different reason. A reason I've never had to feel before. It's like I'm falling. Or fading.
"I didn't know that you didn't want this. I didn't know because I never asked. I'm sorry, Cameron," she sobs. She sets the bag on a desk next to her and wipes her eyes. Then she squares her shoulders and lifts her chin, sniffing back her tears as she does. "Call me when you finish, okay?"
"Wait." I pull on her arm to stop her from leaving. "I don't—"
"It's okay," she says. Her teeth are clenched when she adds, "Seriously, Cam. It's fine."
My breaths are short and I can't seem to settle it. I'm afraid of what she's thinking, what she's feeling. I pull on her arm until she's closer to me. I lean down to kiss her but she turns her head, avoiding me.
"Come on, Lucy," I whisper, my desperation for her ears only.
Roxy clears her throat from behind us. "Cameron, you can go, I'll finish up here."
I don't even think. I just gather my shit. Mouth 'thank you' to Roxy and I leave.
But she's already ten steps ahead of me.
"Lucy," I shout after her.
She gets in the elevator and waits for me to catch up. "Logan's gone," she deadpans, staring down at the floor.
"What?" I huff, pressing the button to the ground floor.
"He left."
"What do you mean left? Dropped out?"
She looks up at me now. "No. He's gone. Left the country. Nobody knows where he is, or when, or if he's coming back."
I pinch the bridge of nose with my thumb and index finger, trying to weaken the pounding in my head. There's too much to take in and I don't know which thought to run with.
The elevator dings and she steps out, I follow, still not knowing what to say.
She walks out of the building and unlocks her car. "I organized a study group tonight, I'm already late. I'll call you later, Cam." She gets in her car and drives away.
And I'm left standing on the sidewalk wondering what the fuck just happened, and why I feel like my world is falling apart.
***
Eight times I call her.
She never answers.
I stare at my phone and drop down on my bed. And then I dial Jake's number.
"Yo," he answers.
"Hey, what are you doing?"
He laughs once. "Stalking Logan's Facebook, trying to work out where the fuck he is."
"So it's true?"
"Yeah, man. Dr. Matthews called today and told me. He won't give any more information, just that he's left." He lets out another laugh, a bitter one. "I'm watching this video of him when we were at Lucy's cabin. He's drunk and doing—"
"The MC Hammer dance?"
"Yeah. He was so wasted that night."
A quiet moment passes, both of us thinking about that night.
"Anyway," he perks up. "You wanna talk to Luce?"
"What?"
"I figured you're calling to speak to Lucy?"
My heart drops. She lied. I don't think she's ever lied to me. "She said she had study group. She's there?"
"Yeah, dude. She's talking to Kayla."
"What are they saying?"
"I don't know, man. They're in the living room, I'm in the study."
"Well, fuck, go eavesdrop. What are they saying?"
"I can't do that."
"Jake." His name comes out a warning.
"Fine," he clips. "But you owe me." He sighs into the phone and I hear a knob turn.
"Okay," he whispers.
I keep my ears pressed to the phone, not wanting to miss a word.
"Kayla's saying that she's sure it's nothing."
"What's nothing?"
"Shut up. Do you want me to listen to them or not?"
I clamp my mouth shut.
"Okay so Lucy just said that she's never worried before. That it was always kind of a joke, like a show... the jealousy and stuff..."
My hand squeezes the phone so tight I'm scared I'm going to break it.
"She says that it's different now, she's actually afraid. She says that things have changed, that you've been different lately. She says she has a reason to worry now. Who's Roxy?"
Fuck. I rub by eyes and try not to cry like a bitch into the phone.
I hear a door close, then Jake's deep voice. "Dude..."
"What!"
"She's fucking crying. Like all out sobbing."
"Fuck."
"Cameron, what the hell did you do?"
***
You'd think considering how tired I was that I'd be able to sleep, but I can't. I tried calling her again, but her phone was busy. Who the hell is she talking to?
Throwing my covers off, I get dressed, grab my keys, and drive the few minutes to her dorm. Rose answers, but there's no Lucy. I curse and try to call her again. Still busy. I sit my ass on the floor next to her door and wait. I don't care how long I have to wait. I need to see her. I know I won't be able to relax until shit'
s resolved and she's in my arms again. I'm about to doze off when my phone rings. Her name flashes on the screen. My heart picks up. "Babe," I answer.
"I've been trying to call you."
"I've been trying to call you."
"Where are you?"
"At your dorm, where are you?"
"At your dorm."
I sigh. "We're a mess tonight."
She laughs.
My world stops.
"Stay there, I'll come to you."
"Wait," she says, and I can hear her feet clicking against the floor. "Is Minge in there?"
"He was when I left."
"Then you stay there—" she cuts herself off and the footsteps stop. Her voice lowers when she adds, "I mean, if you wanted to spend the night together?" She says it like a question, like she's unsure of my answer.
"Luce, I don't want to be anywhere else."
"Good," she perks up. "I'll call Rose to let you in, warm my bed for me, okay?"
"Okay."
"Hey, Cam?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
My eyes drift shut and I feel all the muscles in my body slowly relax. "Forever, baby."
***
I rest my head on her chest, my arms around her waist and my leg over hers. I hold her as tight as I can, afraid that if I let her go she might not come back.
Her fingers run through my hair. Her chest rises and falls, faster than it should. I lift my gaze; she's already watching me. "I didn't mean that I'd be happier without you, Luce," I whisper.
She pulls back and scoots lower on the bed so we're face to face, and pulls the covers over our heads. "So what did you mean? Will you explain it to me? I've been trying to understand, but I can't." She swallows loudly and I know that she's trying to hold back a sob.
"I just meant that it would be easier. I'd be happier, right now, if I got up every day, did the same routine and got to go home every night and just be with you. I'm just so fucking stressed at the moment. There's so much going on and the stuff with Logan—I'm drained, babe. Physically and mentally drained. Once I get over finals, I'll be fine."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because the times I have with you are the only times I look forward to. It's the only time I can drop the ball and just relax and be myself. I want my Lucy time separate from everything else."
"And why were your clothes off?"
I sigh and spend the next hour answering her questions as honestly as I can. I have nothing to hide, nothing to lie about.
