by Jay McLean
Then we sit there, facing the water, waiting for I don't know what.
"I'm sorry," a woman's voice breaks the silence. She stands in front of us, her genuine smile in place. She looks at Lucas and me with recognition. "My, you two have grown. What beautiful children," she says. I recognize her as the pastor from Mom's funeral.
I cover my mouth, to stop the cry from escaping. She clears her throat and looks at everyone individually. "I dislike these ones the most," she sighs. She opens her book, slips on her reading glasses, and starts. "There is no footprint too small, that it cannot leave an imprint on this world..."
Cam's cry has me turning to him. He grips his forearm with one hand, using it to cover his eyes. He's bent over in his seat, sobbing quietly.
His mom cries too, but her tears are silent. She rubs slow circles in his back, the way he's done with me so many times. Leaning forward, she whispers words meant only for him. He doesn't stop crying, and neither do I.
Finally, I stand up and take the few steps to get to him. I settle my hand on his shoulder, causing him to look up.
If heartbreak had a face, his would be it.
He sits up straighter, his hand on my waist. He cries into my stomach, unashamed. I cry with him, so hard I can barely stand. So I sit on his lap with our arms around each other. And we cry into each other necks, holding on tight.
We grieve.
We mourn.
And we love.
We take our broken hearts and we piece them back together, in the place where it all began. Where a boy that barely knew me took me to break. Taught me to let it go. And helped me to heal.
As the sun sets, and the sky turns orange, we each place a flower in paper boats and release them down the river. "Did you have a feeling?" the pastor asks. "If it was a boy or girl?"
"Girl," we say at the same time.
She smiles at us. "Did you want to name her?"
I look up at Cameron standing next to me with his hand on my waist. "Hope," I whisper to him. "You gave me Hope."
*
Cameron stands in front of us with a piece of paper in his hands. He looks first to his mom, and then to me sitting next to her.
He tries to smile, and then he clears his throat as his eyes wander to what's in his hands.
Seconds pass before he speaks.
"More Than Forever," he says, and then glances up at me. "By Cameron Lovesyoumore."
And in a moment of complete sadness, I didn't think it was possible—but he makes me laugh.
******
Once upon a time there was a little boy whose mother made him watch Aladdin—more times than what should be legally allowed for boys. Yet each time, he'd sit with her, under her magic carpet blanket and watch intently, because he knew it made her happy.
It was a story about a boy named Aladdin—a poor boy—who found love in the strangest of places. He fell in love with a girl, a princess, living in a giant castle, filled with many, many people. Mainly boys. This girl had no mother—or at least one that he could tell. And even though people surrounded her, she was lonely. She was sad. The only thing that he found she had comfort in was her pet tiger that she took everywhere. In my story, her tiger is an e-reader.
One day, the boy found the nerve to speak to this beautiful princess, all alone in her giant house. He said to her, "Do you trust me?" She smiled, and said yes. And off they went, on an epic adventure. They went on a magic carpet ride. He promised to show her the world, shining, shimmering, splendid...
And he did.
Or at least he tried.
After a few hundred times of watching this movie, the little boy turned to his mother and asked, "Why wouldn't the genie just give him more wishes?"
His mom smiled down at him. "Because," she said. "It's selfish to want more than you already have."
The little boy spent night after night thinking about his mother's words. And he promised then, to always appreciate what he had. What was given to him. And to never want more.
But then this boy, a little older now, and definitely more handsome and rugged, fell in love with his own princess, who was sad and lonely in her huge mansion. And even though his mom's words played in his head, he couldn't help but want more. He wanted more of her, tiny versions of her, in the form of their daughters.
Now, that boy is a man—again, even more handsome. And he sees the selfishness of his ways; his want to have more of something he already had. Something he was blessed to be given in the first place.
So for days and days this man searches for the genie, trying to find a way to make his wishes come true. And he promises himself that if he finds that genie, and the genie offers him three wishes, he'll say what he should have said a long time ago. "You can keep your two wishes, I'll just take the one. I want my girl, Lucy. My forever. And not just for our forever, but for eternity, and for always."
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
-CAMERON-
It's been a few days since Hope's funeral, and I haven't heard from her. I don't know if she wants more time, but I'm giving it to her anyway. Jake says she'll come to me when she's ready, so I wait. Or at least I did. But now, seeing her reading under a tree just like she used to when we were fifteen, I can't help but go to her.
I release my backpack and sit next to her.
She drops her chin to her chest, trying to hide her smile. God, I miss her smile.
"What are you reading?" I ask.
"Nothing."
"You can't be reading nothing. What is it?"
"It's just about a boy and girl... falling in love."
"Yeah?" I joke, repeating my words from so long ago. "Is the guy a stud? Is his name Cameron?"
She laughs, the sound so powerful it drowns out all other sounds. "Yes, actually."
"Really?" I ask in disbelief.
She nods, her smile full force. But her eyes stay down, focused on the words. "But he's a sexy, broody, drug lord."
"No shit?"
"Shit," she says.
I beat my chest like a caveman. "I could be a sexy, broody, drug lord."
She laughs again.
"Read me some," I ask her.
"No."
"Fine."
She doesn't respond, and I think we're done. But the warmth of her hand skims down my arm. I watch anxiously as her hand reaches mine.
My heart picks up pace.
Then she links our fingers and curls hers.
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
She doesn't speak. She just sits there, reading her book, loosely holding my hand.
After a few minutes she lifts my arm by my hand and ducks under it, so my arm is around her, our fingers locked at the side of her waist. She leans in close, so close I can smell her shampoo. I sniff once. I've missed that smell.
"Did you just sniff me?"
"No."
She scoots until we're as close as possible, and that's how we stay, in silence, until the sun starts to set. I watch as the sky turns orange, then red, then purple. And I know that we've been sitting here for hours, but it feels like minutes because time doesn't exist when I'm with her.
She shivers in my arms.
"Are you cold?" She turns her e-reader off and looks up at me for the first time since I've sat down. My eyes can't take her in fast enough.
"Yeah," she says. "I should probably get back to my room."
I try to think if I have sweatshirt I can offer, something that will make her stay longer, but I have nothing. "Oh, okay."
She stands up and shrugs her backpack on. "It's late," she says, as I get to my feet.
"Yeah," I respond.
"It's like... dinner time, right?"
I nod. And just stand there.
"Do you—" she starts, and then cuts herself off.
And then it hits me. "Did you want to get something to eat?"
"Oh, no. I mean—do you?"
I nod frantically, and then try to calm the fuck down. "Y-yeah... if you do?"
She lets out a laugh. "Why is this so hard?"
"I'm nervous," I tell her truthfully. "It's like I'm fifteen and I'm asking you out on a date."
She smiles. "I don't think you ever really asked me out on a date... like... ever..."
"I didn't?" I try to think back to that time in our lives. "Holy shit. I didn't, did I?"
She shakes her head, biting her lip as she does.
"Well, would you like to go out with me?" I ask, feeling stupid and embarrassed, but most of all, hopeful.
A low giggle escapes her. "How about we get take out and bring it back to my room... we could watch a movie or something?"
I want to crack a joke about her inviting me to her room on our first date... and if watching a movie is code for getting laid... but I don't think it's suitable. "That sounds great."
***
We bring pizza back to her room, and I'm thankful that Rose isn't there. "It's so cold," she says. "It was so warm today and now it's freezing."
I set the pizza on her desk and watch her walk to her dresser. "You want a hoodie? I think I have a few of yours here."
I smile at the thought of her keeping my clothes. "Yeah, please."
She throws a hoodie at my head, making her laugh.
"Good arm," I joke.
She shrugs. "Jake's been teaching me to pitch."
"Huh." I force down the jealousy. First the gym, now the pitching lessons.
She pulls out pajamas from her drawer and points to the bathroom. "I'm just gonna change real quick."
It's been a long time since she's left a room to undress. I look away and nod.
I wait to hear the bathroom door close before I sit on the bed. I drop my head in my hands, and I think. I think about how long it's going to take, and how hard it's going to be to try to get back to where we were. The bed dips when she sits next to me. "Cameron," she says, and I tilt my head to face her. She must be able to tell what's on my mind because she adds, "Slow, okay?"
I nod, my heart heavy with uncertainty. She stands and picks up the box of pizza and her laptop. "Lucas loaded Netflix on my computer so we can watch whatever."
She sits on her bed with her back against the wall and pats the spot next to her.
A movie plays, but I don't watch it. I watch her.
When we're done eating and she trashes the box, she sets her laptop on her desk chair on the side of the bed. "It's cold," she says. "I think I'm going to get under the covers. You can leave, if you need to get back for an early class or something..."
"Or?" I ask her.
"Or you can stay, lie with me until the movie finishes."
My smile is instant.
-LUCY-
Holy crud bucket.
I'm so nervous. More nervous than when I showered him with my virgin kisses. I want him to stay. I want to be in his arms where I know I'm safe. I want to go slow, but it's hard. Especially since I know what's waiting at the end. Him.
I lie under the covers at the edge of the bed and wait for him to climb in behind me, but he doesn't touch me and I don't know why.
"Are you still cold?" he asks.
"A little."
The bed moves and I feel his warmth behind me. "Come closer," he says.
So I do.
And all of a sudden I'm in his arms, exactly where I want to be.
The movie plays on and on and I cry silent tears. He doesn't speak. He doesn't move. He doesn't try to touch me inappropriately. He just holds me. And it's perfect. He's perfect. Just like he's always been.
*
He's out, like a light. I can tell because the movie’s done and he hasn't moved. I feel his chest on my back, rising and falling peacefully with every breath. I turn in his arms so I can face him. He has the hood over his head and his mouth is partially open. His bottom lip quivers slightly with each exhale.
The door opens and Rose is there. I lift my finger to my mouth, telling her to be quiet. Her eyebrows narrow in confusion before she looks past me and to Cameron. She pouts, mouthing, "So cute".
"I know," I mouth back, my smile in full force.
"I'll come back in the morning," she whispers. I thank her before she leaves the room silently.
I look back down at him and my heart aches. But it's the good kind. The love kind. I scoot down in the bed, so we're face to face and bring the covers up to my chin. And I smile. I smile so hard my cheeks hurt. And then I do something I've wanted to do for so damn long. I kiss him.
Softly at first. Just his bottom lip. Then I move to the top one. I giggle like I did when I was a kid, after the first time he kissed me. I place my fingers on my lips, remembering the touch. And then I kiss him again. And again.
Finally, he gasps and jerks awake. "Was I dreaming?"
I clamp my mouth shut.
His voice is hoarse from sleep when he says, "Were you kissing me just now?"
I don't answer.
He pulls me closer to him. "You totally were," he whispers. "I'm kind of pissed I wasn't awake to know it."
"I'm sorry," I tell him, even though I'm not. "You just looked so cute and peaceful... and your lips were just there... waiting..."
He nuzzles his face into my neck. "You should have woken me."
"I don't like waking you."
He leans on his elbow and rests his head in his hand, looking down at me. And then he smiles. God, I missed his smile. His head drops to the crook of my neck. "I've missed you so much, Lucy," he whispers, bringing me closer again.
His lips brush my neck, up to my jaw, and I can feel him everywhere. My body vibrates in his arms, like a million butterflies trying to escape. He kisses my cheek. Just once, so softly I barely feel it. I squirm in his arms, not wanting to get away, but wanting him. "Nah uh," he mutters, squeezing me tighter. "You get to kiss me, now it's my turn."
I bite down on my lip to stop the squeal from escaping. His nose brushes against mine. And then his mouth is on me. But he doesn't move them. Actually, he pulls back.
"Lucy," he says, his voice breaking. "I know that you wanted to take it slow, and that's fine. I can do that to an extent. I can do it physically, but emotionally, I need to know that you're all in. I know I should be patient. I know I should wait. But it's so hard, especially because I want all of you. I need to know that you want it too."
I nod. "I do."
A smile takes over his face. "I'm going to kiss you now," he says.
And then he kisses me.
Holy shit, does he kiss me.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
-LUCY-
"Two months!" I tell Rose. "Two damn months! He takes me on dates, we spend every spare second together, we sleep in the same bed every damn night and he won't touch me. Doesn't even try to cop a feel! Nothing!"
"Well," she laughs from her bed. "You did ask him to take it slow, right?"
I throw a pillow at her head. "Yeah, I meant slow, not like... glacial. I'm so wound up, I take every opportunity during the day when you're not in here to flick my bean!"
Her head throws back in laughter. "Flick your what?"
"Shut up!" I growl into a pillow. "He leaves every morning and he kisses me. The type of kisses that should be goddamn illegal, Rose. And he's getting hotter. How is that possible? He's started hitting the gym again and there are muscles and his stomach and his hair's like... I don't even... and the kisses."
"Dude." She eyes me sideways. "Are you about to come right now? Because you—"
"YES!" I shout. "I am. I need him to... just..." I whimper in defeat. "My clitorusaurus-rex is not happy."
"Your what!" She's laughing so hard snot comes out. She runs to the bathroom... I guess to clean up her face, maybe pee, I don't know.
She comes back out as if nothing happened. "Why don't you go to him? He's probably afraid, doesn't know how far to take it, you know? If you make the move, show the initiative, I'm sure he'll be happy to oblige."
I stand up. "Yes!" I shout triumphantly. "That's exactly what I'm going to do!"
"Fuck, yeah, girl. Go get it!" She slaps my ass.
I moan with pleasure.
She looks at me disgusted. "Holy shit, Luce, you're horny as fuck."
My phone sounds with a message. I reach for it and smash my finger against the screen. Maybe I'm more pissed off than I thought. "Great," I say sarcastically, "He just said he has class all day but wants to take me out tonight—somewhere special. Do you know what that means, Rose? Do you? It means that I have to wait all day to see him and then tonight—he still won't touch me!"
***
He knocks on my door at seven on the dot, just like he said he would. He's wearing dark jeans and a light blue long-sleeved shirt with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows and his muscles on show. I want to lick him. Everywhere. Or hump his leg. Something.
He hands me a bunch of flowers and kisses me on the cheek.
I take them, thank him, and mumble under my breath that I'd rather have his dick than the flowers.
"Are you okay, babe?" he asks.
"Yup. Just give me two minutes to finish getting ready."
He sits on the bed and I go to the bathroom. I smile as I finish getting dressed. "Game on, Cam."
His eyes go wide when he sees me. Tank top, short frilly skirt, so short you can see the top of my stockings, and the bottom of the suspenders.
"Holy fucking shit," he whispers, covering his junk with my pillow.
I grab a knee length jacket and cover myself. "Ready, baby?"
He swallows loudly and nods. "Y-y-yeah."
***
I take his hand while he drives to wherever we're going, and I set it on the inside of my bare thigh. He makes a noise from deep in his throat and wipes his mouth with his shoulder. Slowly, and attempted casually, I start to scoot lower in my seat, letting his hand drift higher.
He pulls the car over into a parking lot. "Fuck."
Score one for me.
"What the hell are you doing?" he clips.
I bat my eyelashes. "What do you mean?"
He shakes his head, his darkened eyes burning with lust. "You're gonna get me in trouble, Luce."
I try to hide my smile.
He looks around the lot. "Two minutes," he says to himself, before hitting the accelerator. His tires spin as he drives away. He squirms in his seat, continuously adjusting himself.
