A Fistful of Charms

by Kim Harrison

Chapter Seven

  I took a shaky breath and reached for the counter. It was black? I had taken a black charm? This just keeps getting better and better. Why in hell hadn't she told me?

  "Hell no!" Jenks rose in a flurry of copper-colored sparkles. "Just forget it. Ivy, forget it! I'm not doing this!"

  While Ivy snarled at Jenks that he would or she'd jam him through a keyhole backward, I wobbled to the table and slumped into my chair. Ceri was so odd, seemingly as innocent as Joan of Arc but as accepting of black magic as if she sat at Lucifer's feet and did his nails every other Wednesday. They were all black, and she didn't see anything wrong with them? Come to think of it, Joan of Arc had heard voices in her head telling her to kill people.

  "Rachel. . . "

  Ceri's hand on my shoulder pulled my head up and I stared. "I, uh," I muttered. "I kinda expected they were black, but you didn't seem to be having any problem making them, so. . . " I looked at the remainder of Jenks's potion, wondering if he quit now whether he'd be okay.

  "He needs this curse. " Ceri gracefully sat so I couldn't see Jenks and Ivy arguing at the far end of the table. "And the smut from one or two is trifling. "

  Matalina zipped in through the pixy hole in the screen at one of Jenks's sharp squeaks, bringing the smell of the spring noon with her. Her yellow dress swirled prettily about her ankles when she came to a short stop, her expression inquisitive as she tried to figure out what was going on. I couldn't seem to get enough air. Trifling? Didn't she get it?

  "What if I only use them for good?" I tried. "Will they still stain my soul if I only do good with them?"

  Matalina's wings stopped and she dropped three inches to the table, losing her balance and falling, to bend a wing backward. Ceri exhaled in obvious exasperation. "You're severely breaking the laws of nature with these curses," she lectured, her green eyes narrow, "far more than with earth or line magic on their own. It doesn't matter if they're used for good or bad, the smut on your soul is the same. If you mess with nature's books, you pay a price. "

  My eyes flicked past her to Matalina and Jenks. The small pixy woman had found her feet, and she had a hand on Jenks's shoulder as he hunched over his knees. He was hyperventilating by the look of it, pixy dust shading to red sifting from him to pool and spill onto the floor. It swirled in the draft from the window, and it would have been pretty if I hadn't known that it meant he was severely stressed.

  Ivy's lips were a thin line. I didn't understand why she was arguing with him. I didn't expect him to go through with it if it was a black curse. Damn it, Ceri had been calling them curses all along, and I hadn't been listening.

  "But I don't want my soul to go black," I almost whined. "I just got rid of Al's aura. "

  Ceri's delicate features went annoyed, and she stood. "Then get rid of it. "

  Jenks's head came up, his eyes looking frightened. "Rachel is not a black witch!" he shouted, and I wondered at his hot loyalty. "She's not going to foster it off on an innocent!"

  "I never said she should," Ceri said, bristling.

  "Ceri," I said hesitantly, listening to Matalina try to soothe her husband. "Isn't there another way to get rid of the reality imbalance than to pass it to someone else?"

  Clearly aware of Jenks ready to fly at her, Ceri calmly went to her brewed tea. "No. Once you make it, the only way to get rid of it is to pass it to someone else. But I'm not suggesting you give it to an innocent. People will accept it voluntarily if you sweeten the deal. "

  I didn't like the sound of that. "Why would someone voluntarily take my blackness onto their soul?" I said, and the elf sighed, visibly biting back her annoyance. Tact wasn't in her repertoire, despite her kindness and overflowing goodwill.

  "You attach it to something they want, Rachel," she said. "A spell or task. Information. "

  My eyes widened as I figured it out. "Like a demon," I said, and she nodded.

  Oh God. My stomach hurt. The only way to get rid of it would be to trick people into taking it. Like a demon.

  Ceri stood at my sink, the morning sun streaming about her making her look like a princess in jeans and a black and gold sweater. "It's a good option," she said, blowing at her tea to hasten its cooling. "I have too much imbalance to rid myself of it that way, but perhaps if I forayed into the ever-after and rescued people stolen and still in possession of their souls, they might take a hundred years of my imbalance in return for the chance to be free of the ever-after. "

  "Ceri," I protested, frightened, and she raised a soothing hand.

  "I'm not going into the ever-after," she said. "But if the opportunity ever arose that I could help free someone, will you tell me?"

  Ivy stirred, and Jenks interrupted her with a hot, "Rache is not going into the ever-after. "

  "He's right," I said, and I rose, my knees feeling weak. "I can't ask anyone to take the black I put on my soul. Just forget it. " My fingers encircled the remainder of Jenks's potion and I headed for my dissolution vat. "I'm not a black witch. "

  Matalina heaved a sigh of relief, and even Jenks relaxed, his feet settling into a puddle of silver sparkles on the table, only to jerk upward when Ceri slammed her hand onto the counter. "You listen to me, and listen good!" she shouted, shocking me and making Ivy jerk. "I am not evil because I have a thousand years of demon smut on my soul!" she exclaimed, the tips of her hair trembling and her face flushed. "Every time you disturb reality, nature has to balance it out. The black on your soul isn't evil, it's a promise to make up for what you have done. It's a mark, not a death sentence. And you can get rid of it given time. "

  "Ceri, I'm sorry," I fumbled, but she wasn't listening.

  "You're an ignorant, foolish, stupid witch," she berated, and I cringed, my grip tightening on the copper spell pot and feeling the anger from her like a whip. "Are you saying that because I carry the stink of demon magic, that I'm a bad person?"

  "No. . . " I wedged in.

  "That God will show no pity?" she said, green eyes flashing. "That because I made one mistake in fear that led to a thousand more, that I will burn in hell?"

  "No. Ceri - " I took a step forward.

  "My soul is black," she said, her fear showing in her suddenly pale cheeks. "I'll never be rid of it all before I die. I'll suffer for it, but it won't be because I'm a bad person but because I was a frightened one. "

  "That's why I don't want to do this," I pleaded.

  She took a breath as if only now realizing she had been shouting. Closing her eyes, she seemed to steady herself. The anger had been reduced to a slow shimmer in the back of her green eyes when she opened them. Her usual mild countenance made it difficult to remember that she had once been royalty and accustomed to command.

  Ivy took a wary sip of her coffee, her eyes never moving from Ceri. Kisten's shower went off, and the ensuing silence seemed loud.

  "I'm sorry," Ceri said, head down, the sheet of her fair hair hiding her face. "I shouldn't have raised my voice. "

  I set the copper pot on the counter. "Don't worry about it," I said. "Like you said, I'm an ignorant witch. "

  Her smile was sour and showed a mild embarrassment. "No, you aren't. You can't know what you haven't been told. " She ran her hands down her jeans, soothing herself. "Perhaps I'm more concerned than I want to admit about the payment I carry," she admitted. "Seeing you worry about one or two curses when I have several million on my soul made me - " She flushed delicately, and I wondered if her ears were a tiny bit pointed. "I was most unfair to you. "

  Her voice had acquired a noble cadence. Behind me, I heard Ivy cross her legs at her knees. "Forget it," I said, feeling cold.

  "Rachel. " Ceri hid her hands' trembling by clasping them. "The blackness these two curses carry is so small compared to the benefits that will come from it: Jenks safely journeying to help his son, you using a demon curse to Were so as to retain the title of David's alpha that you deserve. It would be more of a crime to let these things remain
undone or slip away than to willingly accept the price to have them. "

  She touched the pot of remaining brew, and I eyed it with a sick feeling. I was not going to ask Jenks to finish it.

  "Everything of value or strength has a price," she continued. "To let Jax and Nick continue to suffer because you were afraid makes you look. . . unconscionably timid. "

  Cowardly might be a better word, I thought, looking at Jenks and feeling ill, knowing that I had a curse inside me just waiting to be put into play - and I had done it to myself.

  "I'll take the black for my curse," Jenks said abruptly, his face hard with determination.

  From the table came Matalina's tiny hiccup, and I saw fear in her childlike features. She loved Jenks more than life itself. "No," I said. "You've only got a few years left to get rid of it. And it's my idea, my spell. My curse. I'll take it. "

  Jenks flew up in my face, his wings red and his face severe. "Shut up!" he shouted, and I jerked back so I could focus on him. "He's my son! I take the curse. I pay the price. "

  There was the sound of my bathroom door opening, and Kisten ambled into the kitchen, his shirt rumpled and with a sly smile. His hair was slicked back and his damp stubbled face caught the sun. He looked great, and he knew it. But his confidence faltered when he saw Ivy unhappy at her computer, Jenks and Matalina clearly distressed, me undoubtedly looking scared with my hands wrapped around my middle, and of course Ceri's exasperated expression as she once again found herself trying to convince the plebeians that she knew what was best for them.

  "What did I miss?" he asked, going to the coffeemaker and pouring what was left into one of my oversized mugs.

  Ivy pushed her chair out and looked sullen. "They're demon curses. It's going to leave a mark on Rachel's soul. Jenks is having second thoughts. "

  "I am not!" the small pixy shouted. "But I'll kiss a fairy's ass before I let Rachel pay the price for my curse. "

  Kisten slowly tucked his shirttails in and sipped his coffee. His eyes went everywhere, and he breathed deeply, absorbing the scents of the room and using them to read the situation.

  "Jenks," I protested, then made a sound of defeat when he flew to the last of the potion and drank it, his throat moving as he gulped it down. Matalina dropped to the table, her wings unmoving. She was a small spot of brightness, looking more alone than I'd ever seen her while she watched her husband put his life in jeopardy for my safety and that of their son.

  The kitchen was silent but for the sound of his kids in the garden when he belligerently dropped his pixy-sized cup into the spell pot with a dull clang.

  "I guess that's it, then," I said, gathering myself and leaning so I could glimpse the clock above the sink. I didn't like this. Not at all.

  Looking as if she was desperately trying not to cry, Matalina rubbed her wings together to make a piercing whistle, which gave us all of three seconds before what looked like Jenks's entire family flowed into the kitchen from the hallway. The sharp scent of ashes came in with them, and I realized they had come in down the chimney. "Out!" Jenks shouted. "I said you could watch from the door!"

  In a swirl of Disney nightmare, his brood settled on the top of the door frame. Shrieks scraped the inside of my skull as they shoved each other, vying for the best vantage point. Ivy and Kisten cringed visibly, and Jenks made another whistle of admonishment. They obediently settled, whispering at my threshold of hearing. Ivy swore under her breath, her face taking on a dark cast. His tall stature graceful, Kisten crossed the kitchen to stand beside her, pouring half his coffee into her mug to try to pacify her. She wasn't at her best until at least sundown.

  "Okay, Jenks," I said, thinking that willfully twisting a demon curse was spectacularly stupid and that I'd never hear the end of it if it killed me. What would my mother say? "Ready?"

  The pixies lining the door frame squealed, and Matalina flitted to him, her pretty face pale. "Be careful, love," she whispered, and I looked away when they exchanged a last embrace, the two of them rising slowly in a cloud of gold sparkles before they parted. She went to the sill, wings moving fitfully to make glittering flashes of light. This was all but killing her, and I felt guilty even though it was probably the best way to ensure his safety.

  Standing beside Matalina in the sun, Ceri nodded confidently. Kisten put a supportive hand atop Ivy's shoulder. Taking a breath, I went to the table, nervously settling myself at my usual spot and pulling the demon book of spells onto my lap. It was heavy, and my blood hummed in my legs, almost as if it was trying to reach the pages. Oh, there's a nice thought.

  "What's going to happen?" Jenks asked, fidgeting as he landed on the center counter, and I turned sideways in the chair so I could see him.

  I licked my lips and looked at the print. It was in Latin, but Ceri and I had gone over it while eating pizza before I fell asleep.

  "The Demon Magic for Idiots version, please," he added, and a thin smile crossed me.

  "I tap a line and say the words of invocation," I said. "To shift you back, I say it again. Same as with the Wereing charm. "

  "That's it?"

  His eyes were wide, and Ceri sniffed. "You did want the short version," she said, moving everything off the island counter and to the sink. "I did a horrendous amount of prep work to make it that easy, Master Pixy. "

  His wings drooped. "Sorry. "

  Ivy held her arms close to her and frowned, her aggression clearly misplaced worry. "Can we get on with this?" she asked, and I dropped my head to the print again.

  Exhaling, I stretched my awareness past the clapboard walls of the kitchen, past the flower beds already feeling the light presence of pixies, to the small underused ley line running through the graveyard. Touching it with a finger of thought, I stifled a tremor at the jolt of connection. It used to be that the flow of force into me had been slow and sedate. Not anymore.

  The surge of energy coursed through me, backwashing through me in an uncomfortable sensation. It settled into my chi with the warmth and satisfaction of hot chocolate. I could pull out more and spindle it in my head to use later, but I didn't need it, so I let the heavy, resonating wash of energy find its way out of me and back into the line. I was a net through which the ley line ran, flowing free but for what I pulled out.

  It all happened in the time between one heartbeat and the next, and I lifted my head, my eyes closed. My hair was moving in the wind that always seemed to be blowing in the ever-after, and I ran a hand over my loose curls to tame them. I thanked God that it was daylight and I couldn't see even a shadow of the ever-after unless I stood right in a line. Which I wasn't.

  "I hate it when she taps a line," Ivy whispered to Kisten in the corner. "You ever see anything freakier than that?"

  "You should see the face she makes when she - "

  "Shut up, Kist!" I exclaimed, my eyes flashing open to find him grinning at me.

  Standing with her teacup perched in her fingers and the sun streaming in around her, Ceri was trying to keep a scholarly air about her, but the snicker on her face ruined it.

  "Is it going to hurt?" Jenks asked, gold pixy dust sifting from him in a steady stream.

  I thought back to the gut-wrenching pain when I had turned into a mink and cringed. "Close your eyes and count down from ten," I said. "I'll hit you with it when you get to zero. "

  He took a breath, dark lashes fluttering against his cheeks. His wings slowly stilled until he came to a rest on top of the cleared island counter. "Ten. . . nine. . . " he said, his voice steady.

  Setting the book on the table, I stood. Light and unreal from the line running through me, I reached out and put a hand over him. My knees were shaking, and I hoped that no one saw it. Demon magic. God save me. I took another breath. "Non sum qualis eram," I said.

  "Eight - "

  Ivy gasped, and I staggered when Jenks was encased in the swirl of gold ever-after that had dropped from my hand to encompass him.

  "J
enks!" Matalina cried, flying up into the utensils.

  My breath was crushed out of me. Stumbling, I put a hand behind me, searching for support. I gasped when a torrent of line energy slammed into me, and I shoved the helping hands away. My head seemed to expand, and I cried out when the line exploded out of me and hit Jenks with a crack that had to be audible.

  I fell, finding myself on the kitchen floor with Ivy's arms under my shoulders as she eased me down. I couldn't breathe. As I struggled to remember how to make my lungs work, I heard a crash in the hanging utensils, followed by a groan and a thump.

  "Sweet mother of Tink," a new, lightly masculine voice said. "I'm dying. I'm dying. Matalina! My heart isn't beating!"

  I took a clean breath, then another, propped up in Ivy's grip. I was hot, then cold. And I couldn't see clearly. Looking up past the edge of the counter, I found Kisten beside Ceri, frozen as if unable to decide what to do. I pushed Ivy's hand off me and sat up when I realized what had laid me out. It wasn't the force of the line I had channeled but the shit-load of intent-to-pay-back that I had just laid on my soul. I had it, not Jenks, and it was going to stay that way.

  Heart pounding, I got to my feet, my mouth dropping open when I saw Jenks on the counter. "Oh - my - God. . . " I whispered.

  Jenks turned to me, his eyes wide and frightened. Angular face pinched, he looked at the ceiling, chest heaving as he hyperventilated. Ceri was at the sink, beaming. Beside me, Ivy stared, shocked. Kisten wasn't much better. Matalina was in tears, and pixy children were flying around. Someone got tangled in my hair, pulling me back to reality.

  "Anyone younger than fifteen - out of the kitchen!" I shouted. "Someone get me a paper bag. Ivy, go get a towel for Jenks. You think you'd never seen a naked man before. "

  Ivy jerked into motion. "Not one sitting on my counter," she muttered, walking out.

  Jenks's eyes were wide in panic as I snatched the bag Kisten handed me. Shaking it open, I puffed into it. "Here," I said. "Breath into this. "

  "Rache?" he gasped, his face pale and his shoulder cold when I touched him. He flinched, then let me hold the bag to his face. "My heart," he said, his words muffled around the bag. "Something's wrong! Rache, turn me back! I'm dying!"

  Smiling, I held the bag to him as he sat on my counter, stark naked and hyperventilating. "That's how slow it beats," I said. "And you don't have to breathe so fast. Slow down," I soothed. "Close your eyes. Take a breath. Count to three. Let it out. Count to four. "

  "Shove it up your ass," he said, hunching into himself and starting to shake. "The last time you told me to close my eyes and count from ten, look what happened to me. "

  Ivy returned, draping the first towel over his lap and the second over his shoulders. He was calming down, his eyes roving over the kitchen, darting from the ceiling to the open archway. His breath caught when he saw the garden through the window. "Holy crap," he whispered, and I pulled the bag away. He might not look like Jenks, but he sounded like him.

  "Better?" I said, taking a step back.

  His head bobbed, and as he sat on the counter and concentrated on breathing, we stood with our mouths hanging open, taking in a six-foot pixy. In a word, he was. . . damn!

  Jenks had said he was eighteen, and he looked it. A very athletic eighteen, with wide innocent eyes, a smooth young face, and a blond shock of curly hair all tousled and needing to be arranged. His wings were gone, leaving only wide shoulders and the lean muscles that had once supported them. He had a trim waist, and his feet dangling to the floor were long and narrow. They were perfectly shaped, and my eyebrows rose; I'd seen his feet before, and one had been terribly misshapen.

  I silently cataloged the rest of him, realizing all his scars were gone, even the one he'd gotten from fairy steel. His incredibly defined abs were smooth and perfect, making him utterly lanky with the clean smoothness of late adolescence. Every part of him was lean with a long strength. There wasn't a fleck of hair on him anywhere but for his eyebrows and atop his head. I knew. I had looked.

  His gaze met mine from under his mussed bangs, and I blinked, taken by them. Ceri had green eyes, but Jenks's were shockingly green, like new leaves. They were narrowed with anxiety, but even the fading fear couldn't hide his youth. Sure, he had a wife and fifty-four kids, but he looked like a college freshman. A yummy college freshman majoring in oh-my-God-I-gotta-get-me-some-of-that.

  Jenks rubbed his head where he had hit the overhanging rack. "Matalina?" he said, the cadence of his voice familiar but the sound of it odd. "Oh, Matalina," he breathed when she dropped to land on his shaking hand, "you're beautiful. . . . "

  "Jenks," she said, hiccuping. "I'm so proud of you. I - "

  "Shhhh," he said, his face twisting in heartache when he found himself unable to touch her. "Please don't cry, Mattie. It's going to be okay. I promise. "

  My eyes warmed with unshed tears as she played with the folds of her dress. "I'm sorry. I promised myself I wasn't going to cry. I don't want you to see me cry!"

  She darted up, zipping out into the hall. Jenks made a move to follow, probably forgetting he didn't have wings anymore. He leaned forward and fell to the floor, face first.

  "Jenks!" I shouted when he hit with a dull smack and started swearing.

  "Le' go! Let go of me!" he exclaimed, slapping at me as he wedged his legs under him, only to fall back down. His towel fell away, and he struggled to hold it in place and stand up all at the same time. "Damn it all to hell! Why can't I balance right?" His face went ashen and he quit struggling. "Crap, I gotta pee again. "

  I looked pleadingly at Kisten. The living vamp swung into motion, easily dodging Jenks's flailing arms and hoisting him up off the floor by his shoulders. Jenks was taller by four inches, but Kisten had done bouncer work at his club. "Come on, Jenks," he said, moving him into the hallway. "I've got some clothes you can put on. Falling down is a lot more comfortable when you have something between your ass and the carpet. "

  "Matalina?" Jenks called in panic from the hall, protesting as Kisten manhandled him to my bathroom. "Hey, I can walk. I just forgot I didn't have wings. Le'me go. I can do this. "

  I jumped at the sound of Kisten shutting the bathroom door.

  "Nice ass, Jenks," Ivy said into the new silence. Shaking her head, she picked up the second towel Jenks had left behind, folding it as if needing to give herself something to do.

  My breath came from me in a long exhalation. "That," I said to Ceri, "has got to be the most fantastic charm I've ever seen. "

  Ceri beamed, and I realized she'd been worried, waiting for my approval. "Curse," she said, her eyes on her teacup as she blushed. "Thank you," she added modestly. "I wrote it down in the back with all the supplemental curses worked in on the chance you'd want to use it again. The countercurse is included, just as it's supposed to be. All you have to do is tap a line and say the words. "

  Countercurse, I thought morosely, wondering if that meant more black on my soul or if I had taken it all already. "Um, thanks, Ceri. You're incredible. I'll never be able to do a charm that complex. Thank you. "

  She stood in front of the window and sipped her tea, looking pleased. "You returned me my soul, Rachel Mariana Morgan. Making your life easier is a small thing. "

  Ivy made a rude sound and dropped the folded towel on the table. She didn't seem to know what to do next. My soul. My poor, tarnished, blackening soul.

  My mouth went dry as the enormity of what I had done fell on me. Shit. I was playing with the black arts. No, not the black arts - which you could go to jail for - but demonic arts. They didn't even have laws for people practicing demonic arts. I felt cold, then hot. Not only had I just put a bunch of black on my soul, but I had called it a good thing, not bad.

  Oh God, I was going to be sick.

  "Rachel?"

  I sank down into my chair feeling shaky. Ceri had her hand on my shoulder, but I hardly felt it. Ivy was shouting something, and Ceri was telling he
r to sit down and be still, that it was just the delayed shock of taking on so much reality imbalance and that I was going to be okay.

  Okay? I thought, putting my head on the table before I fell over. Maybe. "Rhombus," I whispered, feeling the eye-blink-fast connection to the line and the protective circle rise around me. Ceri leapt forward, joining me before it finished forming. I had practiced this ley line charm for three months, and it was white magic, damn it, not black.

  "Rachel!" Ivy cried as the shimmering band of ever-after wavered into existence between us. I pulled my head up, determined not to spew. I wanted to see what I had done to my soul, and though I couldn't see my aura, I could see a reflection of the damage in the shimmering band of ever-after.

  "God help me," I whispered, feeling my face go cold.

  "Rachel, it's all right. " Ceri was crouched before me, her hand gripping mine, trying to get me to look at her. "You're seeing an artificially inflated shade. It hasn't had a chance to soak in yet. It really isn't that bad. "

  "Soak in?" I said, my voice cracking. "I don't want it to soak in!" My aura had turned the usually red sheen of ever-after to black. Hidden in it was a shimmer of gold from my aura, looking like an aged patina. I swallowed hard. I would not spew. I would not spew.

  "It will get better. I promise. "

  I met her eyes, the panic subsiding. It would get better. Ceri said so; I had to believe her.

  "Rachel!" Ivy cried, standing helplessly outside the circle. "Take this down!"

  My head hurt and I couldn't get enough air. "Sorry," I breathed, breaking my link with the line. The sheet of ever-after flickered and vanished, and I felt a surge through me when I emptied my chi. I didn't want anything extra in me right now. I was too full of blackness.

  Looking embarrassed, Ivy forced the tension from her shoulders. She blinked several times, trying to recapture her usual placid calmness, when I knew what she wanted to do was give me a slap and tell me I was being stupid or give me a hug and tell me it was going to be okay. But she couldn't do either, so she just stood there, looking miserable.

  "I gotta go," I said abruptly, surging to my feet.

  Ceri gracefully stood and got out of my way, but Ivy reached for me. "Rachel, wait," she protested, and I hesitated, vision swimming as she gripped my elbow.

  I couldn't stay there. I felt like a leper in a house of innocents, a pariah among nobles. I was covered in blackness, and this time it was all mine. "Jenks!" I shouted, yanking out of Ivy's grip and heading for my room. "Let's go!"

  "Rachel, what are you doing?"

  I went to my room, scuffed my shoes on, grabbed my bag, and pushed past her and into the hall. "Exactly what I had planned," I said, ignoring her, pacing far too close behind me.

  "You haven't had anything to eat," she said. "You're still reeling from invoking that. . . spell. It won't kill you to sit down and have a cup of coffee. "

  There was a thump from my bathroom followed by Kisten's muffled exclamation. The door crashed open, and I stopped. Kisten was leaning against the washer, face contorted in pain as he tried to catch his breath. Jenks was holding the door frame, looking casual in Kisten's gray and black sweats, but his green eyes were stressed. "Sorry," he said, sounding as if he meant it. "I, uh, slipped. " He ran his eyes up and down my haggard appearance. "Ready to go?"

  I could feel Ivy behind me. "Here," I said, extending my suitcase. "Make yourself useful and get this in the van. "

  He blinked, then grinned to show even, very white teeth. "Yeah. I can carry that. "

  I handed it over, and Jenks stumbled at the weight. His head thunked into the wall of the narrow hallway. "Bloody hell!" he exclaimed, crashing into the opposite wall when he overcompensated. "I'm all right!" he said quickly, waving off any help. "I'm all right. Sweet mother of Tink, the damn walls are so close! It's like walking in a freaking anthill. "

  I watched to make sure he was going to be okay, reaching out when he started weaving once he lost the guidance of the walls and was in the open space of the sanctuary. His kids were with him, adding to the noise as they shouted encouragement and advice. Hoping he took the time to walk down the steps instead of trying to jump them, I headed for the kitchen. Ivy was hot on my heels, Kisten close behind, quiet and pensive.

  "Rachel," Ivy said, and I stood in my kitchen and stared at Ceri, trying to remember why I had come in there. "I'm going with you. "

  "No, you aren't. " Oh yeah. My stuff. I grabbed my shoulder bag, with its usual charms, then opened the pantry for one of the canvas carry bags Ivy used when she went shopping. "If you leave, Piscary will slip into your head. "

  "Kisten, then," she said, desperation creeping into her gray-silk voice. "You can't go alone. "

  "I'm not going alone. Jenks is with me. "

  I jammed the three demon books into the bag, then bent to get my splat gun from under the counter where I kept it at crawling height. I didn't know what I would need, but if I was going to use demon magic, I was going to use demon magic. My chest clenched and I held my breath to keep the tears from starting. What in hell was wrong with me?

  "Jenks can hardly stand up!" Ivy said as I ran a hand through my charm cupboard and scooped them all into my shoulder bag.

  Pain amulets, generic disguise charms. . . Yeah, those would be good. I pulled myself to a stop, heart pounding as I looked at her distress.

  "You're not feeling right," Ivy said. "I'm not letting you walk out of here alone. "

  "I'm fine!" I said, trembling. "And I'm not alone. Jenks is with me!" My voice rose, and Kisten's eyes went round. "Jenks is all the backup I need. He is all the backup I ever needed. The only time I screw up royally is when he's not with me. And you have no right to question his competency!"

  Ivy's mouth snapped shut. "That not what I meant," she said, and I pushed past her and into the hall. I almost ran Jenks down, and realized that he'd heard the whole thing.

  "I can carry that," he said softly, and I handed the bag of demon texts to him. His balance bobbled, but his head didn't hit the wall like last time. He headed down the dark hall, limping.

  Breath fast, I walked into Ivy's room, kneeling on the floor by her bed and pulling her sword out from where I'd seen her tuck it once. "Rachel," she protested from the hallway as I straightened up, gripping the wickedly sharp katana safe in its sheath.

  "Can I take this?" I asked shortly, and she nodded. "Thanks. " Jenks needed a sword. So he couldn't walk without running into things. He'd get better, and then he'd need a sword.

  Kisten and Ivy trailed behind me as I slung the sword over my shoulder to hang with my bag and stomped down the hall. I had to be angry. If I wasn't angry, I was going to fall apart. My soul was black. I was doing demon magic. I was turning into everything I feared and hated, and I was doing it to save someone who had lied and left me to make my partner's son a thief.

  Leaning into my bathroom in passing, I snapped my vanity case shut. Jenks was going to need a toothbrush. Hell, he was going to need a wardrobe, but I had to get out of there. If I didn't keep moving, I was going to realize just how deep into the shit I had fallen.

  "Rachel, wait," Ivy said after I reached the foyer, snatched my leather jacket from its hook, and opened the door. "Rachel, stop!"

  I halted on the stoop, the spring breeze lifting my hair and the birds chirping, my bag and Ivy's sword hanging from my shoulder, my vanity case in one hand and my coat over an arm. At the curb, Jenks was fiddling with the van's sliding door, opening and closing it like a new toy. The sun glistened in his hair, and his kids flitted about his head. Heart pounding, I turned.

  Framed in the open door, Ivy looked haunted, her usually placid face severe, with panic in her dilated eyes. "I bought a laptop for you," she said, her eyes dropping as she extended it.

  Oh God, she had given me a piece of her security. "Thank you," I whispered, unable to breathe as I accepted it. It was in a leather case, and probably weighed all of three pou
nds.

  "It's registered to you," she said, looking at it as I slung it over my free shoulder. "And I already added you onto my system, so all you have to do is plug in and click. I wrote down a list of local numbers for the cities you're going to be passing through to dial up with. "

  "Thank you," I whispered. She had given me a piece of what made her life sane. "Ivy, I'll be back. " It was what Nick had said to me. But I'd come back. It wasn't a lie for me.

  Impulsively I set my case on the stoop and leaned forward to give her a hug. She froze, and then hugged me back. The dusky scent of her filled my senses, and I stepped away.

  Kisten waited quietly behind her. Only now, seeing Ivy standing there with one arm hanging down and the other clasped around her middle, did I understand what he'd been trying to tell me. She wasn't afraid for me, she was afraid for herself, that she might slip into old patterns without me there to remind her who she wanted to be. Just how bad had it been?

  Ire flashed through me. Damn it, this wasn't fair. Yeah, I was her friend, but she could take care of herself! "Ivy," I said, "I don't want to go, but I have to. "

  "Then go!" she exploded, her perfect face creasing in anger and her eyes flashing to black. "I never asked you to stay!"

  Motions stiff, she spun with a vamp quickness and yanked open the door to the church. It boomed shut behind her, and left me blinking. I looked at it, thinking that this wasn't good. No, she hadn't asked me, but Kisten had.

  Kisten picked up my case, and together we went down the stairs, my laces flapping. Nearing the van, I awkwardly dug in my shoulder bag for the keys, then hesitated by the driver's side door when I remembered Kisten hadn't yet given them to me. They jingled as he held them out. From inside the van came the excited shrieks of pixies. "You'll keep an eye on her?" I asked him.

  "Scout's honor. " His blue eyes were pinched from more than the sun. "I'm taking some time off. "

  Jenks came from around the front of the van, silently taking my coat, vanity bag, and the sword - the last bringing a growl of anticipation from him. I waited until I heard the sliding door shut, then slumped at the sound of Jenks's passenger-side door closing.

  "Kisten," I said, feeling a twinge of guilt. "She's a grown woman. Why are we treating her like an invalid?"

  He reached out and took my shoulders. "Because she is. Because Piscary can drop into her mind and force her to do just about anything, and it kills a piece of her every time he does. Because he has filled her with his own blood lust, making her do things she doesn't want to do. Because she is trying to run his illegal businesses out of a sense of duty and maintain her share of your runner firm out of a sense of love. "

  "Yeah. That's what I thought. " My lips pressed together and I straightened. "I never said I would stay in the church, much less Cincinnati. Keeping her together is not my job!"

  "You're right," he said calmly, "but it happened. "

  "But it shouldn't have. Damn it, Kisten, all I wanted to do was help her!"

  "You have," he said, kissing my forehead. "She'll be fine. But Ivy making you her lodestone wouldn't have evolved if you hadn't let it, and you know it. "

  My shoulders slumped. Swell, just what I needed: guilt. The breeze shifted his bangs, and I hesitated, looking at the oak door between Ivy and me. "How bad was it?" I whispered.

  Kisten's face lost all emotion. "Piscary. . . " He exhaled. "Piscary worked her over so well those first few years that her parents sent her away for her last two years of high school, hoping he would lose interest. She came back even more confused, thanks to Skimmer. " His eyes narrowed in an old anger, still potent. "That woman could have saved Ivy with her love, but she was so driven by the urge for better blood, hotter sex, that she sent Ivy deeper. "

  I felt cold, the breeze shifting my curls. I'd known this, but there was obviously more.

  Seeing my unease, Kisten frowned. "When she returned, Piscary played on her new vulnerabilities, lapping up her misery when he rewarded her for behavior that went contrary to what she wanted to believe. Eventually she abandoned everything to keep from going insane, turning herself off and letting Piscary make her into whatever he wanted. She started hurting people she loved when they were at their most vulnerable, and when they abandoned her, she started enticing innocents. "

  Dropping his eyes, Kisten looked to his bare feet. I knew he was one of the people she had hurt, and I could tell he felt guilty for leaving her. "You couldn't do anything," I said, and his head jerked up, anger in his eyes.

  "It was bad, Rachel," he said. "I should have done something. Instead, I turned my back on her and walked away. She won't tell me, but I think she killed people to satisfy her blood lust. God, I hope it was by accident. "

  I swallowed hard, but he wasn't done yet. "For years she ran rampant," he said, staring at the van but his eyes unfocused, as if looking into the past. "She was a living vampire functioning as an undead, walking under the sun as beautiful and seductive as death. Piscary made her that way, and her crimes were given amnesty. The favored child. "

  He said the last with bitterness, and his gaze dropped to me. "I don't know what happened, but one day I found her on my kitchen floor, covered in blood and crying. I hadn't seen her in years, but I took her in. Piscary gave her some peace, and after a while she got better. I think it was so she wouldn't kill herself too soon for his liking. All I know is she found a way to deal with the blood lust, chaining it somehow by mixing it with love. And then she met you and found the strength to say no to it all. "

  Kisten looked at me, his hand touching my hair. "She likes herself now. You're right that she isn't going to throw it all away just because you aren't here. It's just. . . " He squinted, his gaze going distant again. "It was bad, Rachel. It got better. And when she met you, she found a core of strength that Piscary hadn't been able to warp. I just don't want to see it break. "

  I was shaking inside, and somehow my hands found his. "I'll be back. "

  He nodded, looking at my fingers within his. "I know. "

  I felt the need to move. I didn't care that it now came from the need to run from what I had just learned. My eyes dropped to the keys. "Thanks for letting me use your van. "

  "No biggie," he said, forcing a smile, but his eyes were worried, so terribly worried. "Just return it with a full tank of gas. " He reached forward, and I leaned against him, breathing in his scent one last time. My head tilted and our lips met, but it was an empty kiss, my worry having pushed any passion out. This was for Jenks, not Nick. I didn't owe Nick anything.

  "I slipped something in your suitcase for you," Kisten said, and I pulled away.

  "What is it?" I asked, but he didn't answer, giving me a smile before he reluctantly stepped back. His hand trailed down my arm and slipped away.

  "Good-bye, Kist," I whispered. "It's only for a few days. "

  He nodded. "'Bye, love. Take care of yourself. "

  "You too. "

  Bare feet soundless, he turned and went back into the church. The door creaked shut, and he was gone.

  Feeling numb, I turned and yanked open my door. Jenks's kids flowed out of his open window, and I got in, slamming the door behind me. The laptop slipped under the seat with my bag, and I jammed the keys into the ignition. The big engine turned over and settled into a slow, even rumble. Only now did I look across to Jenks, surprised again at seeing him there, sitting beside me in Kisten's sweats and his shockingly yellow hair. This was really weird.

  His seat belt was on, and his hands dropped from where he'd been fiddling with the visor. "You look small," he finally said, looking both innocent and wise.

  A smile quirked the corner of my lips. Shifting into gear, I accelerated down the street.