Still Standing: The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate, and Political Attacks

by Carrie Prejean

  Sheer nerves kept me from feeling sleepy after only an hour and a half of sleep. I came down to the lobby at 5:30 in the morning and there, true to his word, sat Miles McPherson in a corner of the room, the lamp above his head—I swear, it looked like this—creating a slight halo effect.

  The instant I saw him, I felt better. I sat down next to Miles. We prayed. He read a couple of Bible verses.

  Miles looked at me and asked again, “Are you ready to lose the crown of Miss California? Are you willing to let it go?”

  I said yes.

  The limo came. We were taken to Rockefeller Plaza and escorted into the Today Show studio. Matt Lauer dropped by, said good morning in a friendly way that really bucked me up, and I thought, “Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.”

  It was a tremendous comfort to have my mother with me. She sat with Miles in the studio behind the cameras while I sat on a couch under the studio lights for forty-five minutes. Every so often, the camera would cut to me while Matt Lauer added a promotional teaser—“Coming up, an interview with Miss California.”

  To my surprise, Kathy Lee Gifford herself came up to shake my hand as I waited to go on television.

  The instant the interview began, I felt a sense of peace wash over me.

  Matt Lauer asked me about “the Question.”

  “You know what, Matt,” I answered, “when I was on that stage that night and I was so excited to be there. I was competing for Miss USA, and I was called into the top ten and into the top five. I was standing, and I was ready for my question, and when I heard it from him, I knew at that moment, after I’d answered the question, I knew I was not going to win because of my answer.”

  “Because you had spoken from your heart?”

  “Because I had spoken from my heart, from my beliefs, and for my God.”

  He then asked if I were given a do-over and was asked the very same question, would I answer it differently if it meant I could win the crown.

  “No,” I said, “I wouldn’t have answered it differently. . . . It’s not about being politically correct; for me, it was being biblically c orrect. . . . I know now that I can go out and speak to young people about standing up for what you believe in and never compromising anything—for anyone or anything, even if it’s the crown of Miss USA.”

  Matt was professional and respectful. We got along well, and I considered the Today Show interview a success. On that program I got to explain my position in a calm, orderly way, to explain how I truly felt and what my intent had been. But that interview was only the beginning. A battery of interviews followed. I had a friendly reception at FOX News, but an interview on MSNBC was rocky, bordering on snarky. I didn’t expect that, because NBC is the network that shows the Miss USA pageant. Given how professional Matt Lauer had been, I expected the same sort of treatment from MSNBC, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Where the Today Show had been respectful but probing, MSNBC was openly hostile. Still, especially after the Today Show appearance, and as I did more and more interviews, I felt my confidence growing. I felt steady on my feet.

  Miles was confident in me. If he had pushed my bike along with his prayers and support, now I was riding on my own. He wished me well and left to visit his daughter. My mother stayed by my side, however, and later my dad stepped in to help me, too. This controversy did not go away with a few television interviews. In many ways, it just seemed to grow and grow. But through it all, my parents really stepped up and supported me—something for which I am truly grateful.

  While things were calming down on the East Coast, the West Coast was detonating.

  In the middle of my interviews, I noticed that calls had been coming in from Roger Neal. He had been trying to get hold of me ever since 4:00 a.m., Pacific Time, when he got up early to see how I did on the Today Show.

  We finally got in touch. Roger was furious with me for not sticking with his script. The Miss California pageant had been falling over itself apologizing for me, and I was not apologizing at all. We had two different messages, mine, standing by my answer to Perez Hilton, and Keith’s, expressing his being “saddened” by my remarks. I told Roger that if asked, I would address Keith’s statement about being saddened. I told him flatly that I didn’t appreciate being treated as if I had made some kind of bigoted statement. Roger said something very rude. I hung up on him. Roger then called my mom. He called reporters and stations where I was doing interviews to lobby them to cancel. Of course, his trying to stifle me with the press only piqued their interest—maybe Roger wasn’t such a clever professional spinmeister after all.

  I told an NBC producer of the Today Show what had happened. He smiled. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll set up everything.” And he did, helping me restore interview appointments. I went on and finished my round of interviews. When I finished with MSNBC and once again refused the option of walking back from my position, Roger Neal called again. This time he was berserk. Before, he had just been cussing mad. Now he screamed so loud my phone felt as if it would jump out of my hands.

  “You lost all of the sponsors! The sponsors are all gay, now they’re gone! The sponsors are hair and nail companies; they all had at least one gay person!”

  The final word I got from Roger was, “We’re done with you . . . you are on your own.”

  He made it clear I could book and pay for my own flight home.

  At that moment, Shanna started Twittering, “I agree with Perez Hilton 100%.” She wasn’t referring to gay marriage; she had already made her approval of gay marriage as clear as day. No, she was apparently agreeing with Perez Hilton for calling me a “bitch” and a “c**t” (the most degrading word you can call a woman). If the Miss California pageant was a “family,” it was surely a foul-mouthed one, given the treatment I was receiving from Roger and Shanna.

  Despite the provocations, the calm with which I’d gone into the Today Show interview stayed with me. When an interviewer asked me about Perez Hilton’s comments, obviously hoping I would get upset or angry, I was able to deflate him and tell the truth I believed in my heart. I calmly replied that I would pray for Perez Hilton. And I do. I feel sorry for him.

  Miles screened some of my phone calls that day and helped me figure out how to juggle all of the media requests that were coming in. I joked with Miles that he had become my personal press secretary. He gave me a look that I think a quarterback or two had regretted seeing. Little did I know that Miles would soon actually help me as a press advisor, keeping me from prematurely discussing a conversation that I would have with Donald Trump.

  The next day I was set to see Mr. Trump at his office. Mom, Miles, and Miles’s wife Debbie went with me to the big, brassy entrance of the Trump Tower. I was shocked to see paparazzi waiting, snapping photos, and yelling at me. Access Hollywood and Inside Edition were both there, right up front. They filmed me getting out of my car for the meeting with Donald Trump as if I were a head of state arriving for a summit meeting instead of a beauty queen in a PR disaster.

  Miles helped us push our way through. Someone whispered, “Look at the bodyguard she’s got!” I got a big laugh out of that.

  My heart was racing as we walked through the pink-and-white marble, the brass and mirrors of the Trump Tower lobby. Donald Trump’s office is ultra modern, but fairly modest for what you might expect. It is mid-way up his building, which was a surprise—I thought his office would be at the top of the world with a view of several states. But he is nothing if not a smart businessman. I guess it’s better to rent out the upper floors. The office was large and messy, in a pleasant, busy way. The walls were covered with photographs of former Miss USA winners, sports stars, as well as family snapshots. I felt comfortable there, which surprised me, considering I was sitting in the office of the most powerful business man in the world!

  Miles and his wife sat next to me, with my mother directly in front of Trump’s desk. Mr. Trump greeted me warmly.

  “I wanted to meet you,” he said. “Carrie, you are fantastic,
and you did not do anything wrong.”

  I felt a twinge of joy at those soothing words.

  “In fact,” he said, “you said the same exact thing as the president.” (When I later Googled “Obama,” “marriage,” and “man and a woman,” I found that Barack Obama’s answer was almost identical to my own, although he managed to work in opposition to Proposition 8.)

  Donald motioned for me to sit. He sat behind his desk, his eyes narrowing as I described the events of the last two days. He was very nice. So comforting—he felt more like an uncle than a powerful tycoon.

  Finally, my mom could not contain herself anymore.

  “Who picked Perez Hilton as a judge?”

  There was dead silence.

  Then Trump bellowed, “Get Paula Shugart in here now!”

  Paula appeared almost instantly, hurrying into the office with terror written all over her face.

  “Who picked Perez Hilton to judge this contest?” Donald asked her sharply.

  Paula stammered, “I did.”

  I have never seen my mother so angry. She turned to Paula, horrified. “You picked Perez Hilton to be a judge of my daughter?” she asked in disbelief.

  “He is controversial,” Paula answered, adding that they needed someone provocative and interesting to update the pageant. “He has a pop culture image,” she said.

  Mom turned to Donald. “She should be fired!”

  Sure, it’s understandable that the pageant wanted a judge with a pop culture image. But Perez Hilton?

  The Beatles have a pop culture image. Perez Hilton—a grown man who scribbles obscenities about people he doesn’t like—has a problem.

  My mother insisted that allowing Hilton to be a judge was only putting him in a position to exploit young women whom the pageant should have been protecting.

  “He’s exploiting them for money,” she said. “Everybody’s greedy, it’s all about money.”

  All this talk about Perez Hilton seemed to agitate Donald Trump. He walked out to his hallway and barked at his staffers, asking if any of them knew who Perez Hilton was. After that, the meeting took a cordial turn. It ended with more warm words and a call by Donald Trump to his friend Regis Philbin. Trump thought Philbin might want me on his show, but unfortunately that never panned out.

  Trump smiled at me as I was leaving and said, “I think this is going to be the best thing for you.” He added that nobody knew who the new Miss USA was, but everyone knew who I was. (I wasn’t sure that was a good thing.)

  As I made my way out of the office, leaving Paula alone with Donald Trump, I could see the concern on her face. She saw, perhaps for the first time, that my family and I were serious and angry over how I was being treated.

  Back in the lobby, the paparazzi were waiting, asking me how my meeting with “the Donald” had gone. I started to run over to them when Miles put his hand on my arm. Irritated, I elbowed him to get to the press. He grabbed my other elbow. When Miles McPherson wants you to stop, you stop.

  “That was a private meeting you just had,” he said. “The only thing you’re going to say is that it went great.”

  When the reporters came over to me, I put on my brightest smile. They asked me how my meeting went. I said, “It went great.”

  All through the lobby, “It went great.”

  Into the car, “It went great.”

  Even now, I still think it went great.

  Not so great was my relationship with Keith and Shanna. I felt as estranged from them as they surely felt from me. But we still had to get along for the seven months left in my term as Miss California.

  As my critics (including the people I worked for) grew more vocal, I decided to become more candid. I set out to protect myself. And in America that means getting a lawyer. A great attorney, Charles LiMandri, began to research my legal options.

  As a legal analyst told FOX News, I had grounds for a discrimination lawsuit.

  “It’s her religious beliefs which prompted her to say ‘I don’t believe in same-sex marriages,’” said analyst Mercedes Colwin. “So she was espousing her beliefs.” She said I had reason to sue for violation of Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, which prohibits discrimination based on religion. I wasn’t thinking along those lines yet. But I was alarmed at how the Miss California Organization was treating me. I did want to know all my options.

  To smooth out my working relationship with Keith (who would communicate with me only through tense emails), Charles LiMandri was invited to join a conference call with Keith shortly after the pageant. It was agreed in that call that I could appear wherever I wanted.

  Conservative and religious-oriented groups were clamoring to hear me. So Keith allowed me to speak for them, as long as I didn’t wear a sash and crown, appearing as Carrie Prejean, and not in my official capacity as Miss California.

  Odd as it might sound, there was still a lurking possibility that if Miss USA winner Kristen Dalton went on to win Miss Universe in the Bahamas, I would, as first-runner-up, become Miss USA. In fact, it had happened before—to Shanna Moakler herself. If it had happened to me—now wouldn’t that set the whole world on fire? This had to be working on Keith and Shanna.

  All I could do was keep my head down and work. I continued my practice of filling in the holes in my schedule, only this time I was completely free to pick and choose my opportunities. Two weeks after the pageant, the Gospel Music Association asked me to go to Nashville to present the Dove Awards. I accepted. While on that stage in Nashville, I looked out at all the supportive people standing and applauding. I couldn’t help but say, “Up in Hollywood, I’m not sure what their reaction would be to my showing up at a movie premiere.” But in Nashville, they treated me like a heroine.

  What was popular in Nashville, though, wasn’t popular with the Miss California Organization. It didn’t take long for the agreement Charles LiMandri had reached with Keith over the phone to begin to fray and tear apart. I was asked to address 10,000 college students at Liberty University. When Keith agreed to it, I honestly think he didn’t understand that the southern Virginia institution is a Christian college with a conservative character. True to our agreement, I didn’t wear my sash and crown before the crowd. But Keith must have begun to realize the impact I was having on people as a result of my stance. To my surprise and horror, just as I was getting ready to appear, Keith threatened to file an injunction to keep me from speaking at Liberty.

  “Can they do that?” I asked Miles on the phone.

  “Whatever you decide to do, Carrie, always stand up for the truth, always stand firm in whatever it is that you believe,” he said. “Don’t be silenced.”

  And so I went out onto the stage and spoke to my fellow Christians. I also took up an offer from Maggie Gallagher of the National Organization for Marriage to make a brief statement at the launch of their “No Offense” campaign at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. Here are my remarks, as I wrote them out beforehand:It’s been a very strange week for me, as you can imagine. This was not exactly what I planned or asked for or wanted. But nonetheless I am grateful.

  I’m grateful for all the prayers and well-wishes I’ve received from all different kinds of Americans who believe as I do that America is a place where people should stand up for our values, for what we think is right.

  I’m grateful for the outpouring of support from the great majority of Americans who know in our hearts that Americans should treat each other with respect even when we disagree—especially when we disagree about important moral issues like marriage.

  You probably know by now, I believe very strongly that marriage is the union of a husband and wife. What’s more, I believe with millions of other Americans: this vision of marriage is not hateful or discriminatory—it’s good.

  Marriage is good. There is something special about unions of husband and wives. Unless we bring men and women together, children will not have mothers and fathers. I do not want to raise my own children in a world where this traditional
view of marriage is considered hateful or discriminatory, especially not by my own government.

  I am not affiliated with any organization; I’m speaking my own views. But I do appreciate the many people who stand in the front lines to fight for marriage, including the National Organization for Marriage. That’s why I agreed to appear today to support NOM’s important message: Respect marriage. And the people who support it.

  It’s not about me, it’s about the future of marriage. But I’m honored to do my part.

  In introducing me, Maggie very helpfully made it clear that I spoke only for myself, not on behalf of Miss California.

  While I was out of town, Keith Lewis and Shanna Moakler took the opportunity to shoot a “NoH8” (No Hate on 8) spot supporting same-sex marriage. Joining them were two other former beauty pageant winners—Miss California 2005 and Miss USA first runner-up in 2006 Tamiko Nash and 2008’s Miss California Raquel Beezley. The spot was supposed to “raise awareness” to eventually overturn Proposition 8. The beauty queens wore their crowns, but had tape over their mouths and wrapped themselves in the American flag.

  The Miss California organization put out the word that I refused to participate. In fact, they had scheduled the shoot for when they knew I would be out of town. The irony of the situation was not lost on me, either. It would have been all too appropriate for me to appear with a gag over my mouth. I certainly could agree with the central message of the ad, which said that no one should be silenced if they are speaking from the heart and with respect.

  The NoH8 public service ad highlighted the dilemma I faced. It would be “too political” for me to appear as Miss California before Liberty University, but it was entirely appropriate and not at all “political” to parade recent Miss California winners—wearing their crowns and wrapped in the American flag—to denounce a state constitutional amendment a majority of Californians had just passed. No, that was not too “political.”