Still Standing: The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate, and Political Attacks

by Carrie Prejean

  But Esther has a secret. She is a Jewess. Not only that, she is related to one of the king’s top advisors, Mordechai, a loyal subject who uncovers and stops an assassination plot against the king. The king, however, has no knowledge of Mordechai’s usefulness. Instead, at the king’s right hand is a jealous man, Haman, appointed to be the king’s prime minister. It doesn’t take Haman long to start to look for ways to get rid of Mordechai once and for all.

  Haman demands that Mordechai bow down before him. The Jewish advisor refuses and falls into disfavor. While Mordechai sits in exile outside the palace gates, Haman plans to convince the king that the Jews of Persia are a threat. He knows that if he can get the king to kill all the Jews—to commit genocide—Haman can eradicate Mordechai along with all his people. In time, Haman orders a special gallows constructed just for Mordechai.

  Using manipulative language, Haman manages to convince the king to sign the edict, not revealing the massive scale of the genocide that will result from this order. On a certain date, all the Jews of Persia will be put to the sword.

  Suddenly, the fate of her whole people falls into Esther’s lap. She knows that if she steps out of line in any way, the king will get rid of her, too. If she reveals herself as Jewish, she will suffer the same fate as her relatives.

  Esther asks all Jews in Persia to fast and pray with her, as she tries to discern what to do. When you ask God to direct you, He will. And so an answer comes to Esther. She is led to seek an audience with the king. This is a very bold and dangerous move for a woman, even for a queen. To initiate an audience with the king of Persia, a man who holds the power of life and death, takes courage. Unless the king holds out his golden scepter—showing that he agrees that her interruption of his time is necessary—the intruder, even a queen, will be put to death.

  Esther risks death and boldly places herself in the king’s presence. She takes the occasion to invite the king and Haman to a series of feasts. The king accepts. What happens next is a coincidence, which in this case, as in so many, can only be attributed to divine intervention. One night, the king is lying awake, unable to get a wink of sleep. To help him drift off, he asks his attendants to read him the court records. (Sounds better than a sleeping pill.) By chance, one record tells of how Mordechai saved the king from assassins. The records make it clear that Mordechai’s act of loyalty was never acknowledged, much less rewarded.

  When Haman next stands before the king, Ahasuerus tells his prime minister that there is a man he wants to honor above all other subjects. How best to honor him?

  Haman, believing this honor to be for himself, says that the man should be robed in the king’s royal clothes and led around on the king’s horse.

  The king agrees. Then he orders Haman—to his surprise and horror—to honor Mordechai in this way.

  Now that the king is becoming aware of what is going on around him, Esther takes the opportunity at the next banquet to tell him the rest. She divulges that she is Jewish. She reveals that Haman has plotted the annihilation of all Jews, including his queen and his new hero, Mordechai.

  The upshot is that Esther and her people are saved, Mordechai rises in the king’s court, and Haman goes to the gallows that he had prepared for his enemy.

  That’s the story, retold over the centuries during the Jewish Purim festivals. In the Christian tradition, it is often overlooked. After my story broke, Miles invited me to a warm and lengthy discussion before the congregation. He drew out some of the lessons from Esther. He said that we should all look to her as an example of strength and character. As Miles says, she shows us how to S.T.A.N.D. for our faith.

  The “S” is for “Stare-down courage.” Esther asks for the Jews in the capital to pray and fast—and she will join them. She then risks death to stand before the king. If we are to stand up for our beliefs, we must be willing to stare intimidation in the face and say, “I am going to do what’s right.”

  The “T” is for “Trust in the truth.”

  We should live according to the truth of God’s Word alone.

  My critics have often pointed out that if I had only answered Perez Hilton’s question differently, I could have had the crown. Maybe I could have, but it wouldn’t have been a truthful answer—true to what I believe and true to who I am, and that is more important to me than any crown.

  The “A” is for “Accept God’s sovereign provision.”

  When we are faced with tough challenges, God himself provides for us. God provided my pastor in my darkest hour, at a time when I felt utterly alone and afraid.

  The “N” is for “Never fear man over God.”

  Esther walked into the king’s presence not knowing if he would lower his scepter or not. She had every reason to tremble before the king, but she knew that her duty to God was greater. People will always attack you. But as long as you stick by the truth—as long as you are right by God—you have integrity. There is a kind of safety in this: “For if God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:28-31.) God has a bigger crown than any man can give us. God’s approval is the only approval that matters.

  And the “D”? It stands for “Die to self.”

  When she faces the likely outcome of her impertinence in asking for an audience with the king, Esther resigns herself to her course of action and says, “And if I perish, I perish.”

  Win, lose, or draw, she is sticking with God.

  Miles writes: “Your life is not about you and doesn’t belong to you. God has a plan that is bigger than you. You’re not here to save your life, but to give it as Jesus did. Just as Carrie was faced with an opportunity to stand up for her faith, each one of us has opportunities to stand up for God as well—at work, in our communities, etc. We must remember, just as Carrie found out, that no experience is so bad that God can’t use it to make an impact for His kingdom.”

  Miles goes on to say: “Take a stand for what you believe. Don’t be afraid to stand up for the truth. God entrusted people like you and me with his Gospel. We are the ones who must carry it out!”

  We all have gifts. I am still learning how God wants me to use my gifts. I am finding out to my astonishment that my misfortune is opening up opportunities I never believed I would have. I am sure that with those opportunities will come fresh temptations and dangers to avoid.

  You, too, have gifts—the gifts of love that only you can offer. You, too, will be tempted to get off course, to please a boyfriend, a photographer, a producer, a boss, rather than do what you think is right.

  To help you stand firm, God reveals himself and his plans to us through prayer, his word, the counsel of godly people, and the seeming miracles and divine appointments of life. There will be times when you pray and the Holy Spirit will clearly direct you one way or another. Some things that you think are not important you will be directed to see as very important. And there will be times when you anguish over something and God will say, “This is no big deal.” This has happened to me, and in every instance, after a little while, I realize that the still, quiet voice was right.

  How do you know when you are in communication with God? You will know. God is consistent. His truth is not going to change.

  There may be times God will tell you, “Do this”—but it will not be clear why. It may not make sense at the time, but you can be assured that you are being led in the right way. There will be times when you will feel alone, and that still, quiet voice will be your best friend. He will always be your best friend.

  I’m done with this story. All this stuff, from Las Vegas to the studios of New York—all this drama—is not real to me anymore; it belongs to a different life. In a sense, it never was real; it was a world of superficial values; values that are broadcast to us every day, but that are merely passing fancies, that do not reflect the honest truth about our lives, their purpose, and how we should conduct ourselves in the light of eternity. What is real is the love of God and how we express that love when we’re tempted, discouraged, or challenged.

  K
eep your eye on the prize, for the only crown that truly glitters is the one you get to keep forever.

  Acknowledgments

  To God: Thank you for giving me a final chance to honor you in front of the entire world. Thank you for trusting me with this large task. I am honored to have endured it. I am forever grateful for the sacrifice you made for me. I give all the glory and honor to you.

  To Mom: You are a wonderful woman, beautiful inside and out. Thank you for bathing, clothing, listening, teaching, mentoring, guiding, loving me. I will always remember your sacrifice as a mother, thank you for staying home all those years and instilling in me the values I will remember forever.

  To Dad: Thank you, dad, for teaching me to be proud of being a young conservative woman. You have given me so much, and I can’t thank you enough. You have given up so much, for Chrissy, Billy, and me. I am so blessed for the close relationship we have had over the years. I will always be daddy’s little girl.

  To Sis: My best friend. We’re practically twins! I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate you, not only for your service in the military, but for teaching me so much about life. You have taught me, we can agree to disagree. Love you, sis.

  To Billy: My big brother. Even though we are seven years apart, I still look up to you and admire your independence. Thank you for teaching me to dream big. You have accomplished so much from such a small dream as a little boy.

  To my nieces Ally Faith and Hailey Jane: I love you girls so much. I hope you have learned through this, to always stand up for what’s right. Your Auntie Carrie loves you so much. Can’t wait to see you again someday.

  To my Kyle: I am so blessed to have you in my life. You have shown me what love is. Thank you for supporting me through all this drama. I knew when we met there was something so special about you. I can’t wait to see where the Lord leads us in our future.

  Pastor Miles: I wouldn’t be still standing had it not been for you. You and Debbie have been there for me when no one else was around. Thank you for being my pastor, my friend, and a part of the family. Your guidance and council have meant so much to me.

  Pam and Debbie: Thank you for teaching me everything I know about pageants. Had it not been for your love and guidance, I would not be where I am at today. Everyone at the Miss Greater San Diego pageant, thank you for molding me to be a strong woman.

  To my family at Regnery Publishing—Tom, Marji, Mark, Jeff, and Harry—Thank you for allowing me to tell my story. Thank you all for your brilliant ideas! You all have helped so much with my book, I couldn’t have done it with out you. Thank you for the many hours spent editing, fixing, revising this book. I’m so grateful for the wonderful team of yours. I am so excited about Still Standing. I know this book will be a success for us all. I want you all to know how much I appreciate the time and energy you have spent making it nothing short of a bestseller. Every single one of you has added something special to it. I look forward to working with you again.

  Mary Beth—Thank you for the many hours we have spent on the phone going over edits, making sure everything is right on! I’ve appreciated your input and advice along the way.

  Kathleen and Sally—I’m so excited for my book tour with you ladies. Thank you for being such a great marketing team.

  To Charles LiMandri: I can’t thank you enough. You have not only been my lawyer, but my friend. Thank you for your detailed edits and ideas for Still Standing.

  To Larry Ross, Keri, and Melany: Thank you for taking the time to make edits to my book. I’m so glad we were able to get your input as well as accurate information needed.

  To my family, friends, and fans: Thank you for forever believing me, supporting me, and enduring with me. This book would not be a success had it not been for everyone who contributed to it.

  Peace, Love, and Respect,

  Sincerely,

  Carrie Prejean