Lost in the Mist of Time

by Karen Michelle Nutt

  “I am not sure. Maybe ye could show me some more proof.” Her impish grin was all the encouragement he needed. He lifted her into his arms.

  “My blood is on fire for ye, and rest assured, lass, by the time I am through showing ye my affections, ye will know I am truly here in the flesh.

  “What’s wrong with ye two? Ye look as if ye lost yer best friend.” Cormac was busily cleaning his sword, and had missed the uneasy look that passed between Dermot and Teige. He only glanced up again because they were hovering over him. “What is it? Are ye in trouble again, Dermot?”

  “Cormac, there is no other way to say it.” Again Teige paused and glanced in Dermot’s direction.

  “Out with it, Teige,” Cormac insisted now. “Fiona wishes a word with ye.”

  “Pheugh! Enough has been said already.” He returned to his cleaning.

  “She is lucky that milord has not seen fit to have her exiled.” “She’s dyin’,” Teige blurted out.

  That drew his attention. “What?” His voice faltered. “What has happened?”

  Dermot spoke up. “She has been ill this past week and has now taken on a fever. Her guard informed me that she has called for ye. I would not have told ye if I had not seen her for myself. She is a mere reflection of herself.” Raw emotion was evident in Cormac’s eyes. Despite all that Fiona had done, he still loved her. He felt like the ground had crumbled to dust, and he was free falling with nothing to stop his descent. Fiona, his beautiful Fiona, was dying? It couldn’t be possible. His gaze found both Dermot and Teige’s.

  “I will see her.”

  The guard let Cormac pass leaving him with the afflicted woman. He was momentarily taken aback by the fever-wracked body that lay shivering on the cot making him not want to approach, but somehow he made his feet move. He knelt down next to her taking her hand in his. “Fiona. I am here.”

  Her sunken eyes opened and at first she seemed to see right through him, as if he were not even there. Finally she focused and, with the little strength she still possessed, squeezed his hand. “Do I dream or are ye really there before me?”

  “It is I, Fiona.”

  She sobbed then. “Oh, Cormac, I have been so wrong. Please forgive me,” her voice was weary and her breathing labored with a horrible rattling sound. He lifted her head and sat down on the cot so as to cradle her.

  “Shush now. Do not worry yerself.”

  “But I must.” She looked up at him with her feverish eyes and squeezed his hand against her chest. “I must know ye forgive me.”

  He nodded, his eyes filling with tears. “I forgive ye, Fiona. I forgive ye.” She closed her eyes then. “Kirwan,” she whispered.

  “Ye wish for the abbot?”

  Her eyes flew open and her reply was a desperate plea. “Do no trust anyone. Do ye hear me? They are after us. The Tudor King, the man in the robe, they threaten milord. Ye will warn him, aye?”

  He knew that it was only the fever talking, but he nodded. “I will tell him of yer fears.”

  “Ye promise? Ye promise me, Cormac?”

  “I promise ye.”

  She nodded her head. “Ye will hold me for a while? Like ye used to.” “Aye.” He gently rocked her. “I will not leave ye.”

  The tears fell freely from her eyes. “Ye came, Cormac, when I thought that ye would not. How could I have not seen before that ye were the one? Ye were always the one. Did ye love me a little Cormac? Ye don’t have to say so, if ye don’t….”

  He placed a finger on her lips. “I love ye still.” He held her close, willing her to be strong and not leave him.

  She gazed up at him with a peaceful expression, like she was trying to memorize every detail of his face. “I will know ye again in our next life and I will do right by ye. I promise ye this.” She drew one last rugged breath that seemed desperate to reach her lungs, but after that no other sound did she make.

  “Fiona?” She was gone. He lifted his hand and closed her sightless eyes, letting his grief spill forth. “Oh, Fiona.” Her face was so serene, without the lines of worry and the pain of her illness. Perhaps she finally found the peace that she had been unable to grasp in this world.

  “Why was I not informed sooner of the woman’s condition?” Dougray ran his hand through his hair.

  Cahir made an attempt to explain the slight. “Fiona was known for her theatrics, milord. We did not believe she was truly ill, until Abbot Kirwan made his visit yesterday.”

  “Why did Kirwan see it his duty to tend to Fiona? She was not of the faith.”

  Cahir sighed. “To him any soul is worth saving.”

  “Hmm.” He was silent for a moment. There wasn’t any use being upset with what could have been done to save the woman. She was dead and for that he was deeply dismayed that it couldn’t have been avoided. “Ye may go, Cahir.”

  “As ye wish, milord.”

  Dougray quirked a brow when the man had not made a move to leave the room. “Ye have more to say?”

  “Aye. I fear I must draw to yer attention that milady has not been well either.”

  At first, he had been troubled by the way Aislinn had looked, but had dismissed it once he knew she was expecting. He understood perfectly what the physician’s fears were and decided to put the man at ease before he started a panic. “Do not fret that a fever threatens to overrun the keep. Lady Aislinn does not suffer from what ailed Fiona. Aislinn is with child.”

  “I know, but….” He did not finish for Dougray seemed to have dismissed him. “Perhaps I should consider something that might bring her some comfort.”

  “I am sure she would a appreciate it.” Cahir nodded and this time left the room.

  Dougray had Cormac summoned to the library for he wanted to speak to him privately. He was busy putting a few books away when the young man hurried in. “I came as soon as I could, milord.”

  “I ask ye here not because of a dire need, but to see how ye fared.” He hesitated for only a moment before he answered. “I am well.”

  He turned to look at Cormac to make that judgment himself. Other than the tired circles around his eyes, he seemed to be holding up. “Do ye wish time away? To grieve?”

  “Nay, milord. I need to keep busy.”

  “I am truly sorry for yer loss, Cormac.”

  He could only nod for he couldn’t trust his voice to speak without falling apart.

  Chapter 62

  For days Dougray brooded wanting to be left alone. He should be rejoicing in that fact that Aislinn was with child, but he could not forget the potion she had purposely sought to use against him. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t taken it. It was the point that she had it in her possession.

  He made excuses to stay away from the castle making sure he was not available for Aislinn to happen upon him. Of what he once accused her of doing, he had now built a similar wall around himself until he felt like he was imprisoned within the fortress.

  He had made the appropriate preparations to visit his sister. She had asked him on numerous occasions to visit and now seemed as good a time as any. He had decided to take Declan with him too. He told himself that he was taking the boy just to have him at his side, but a part of him knew he was doing it to hurt Aislinn. She would miss Declan, yearn for him just as he himself longed for her love. That had been all he wanted from her, but she had denied him.

  When Aislinn had heard that Declan’s belongings were being packed, she had tried to see him, but he had refused her. He knew she was only worried about where he was taking the lad. Let her worry. Let her think the worst of him.

  Dougray had Declan in front of him and was riding beside Murrough. They had nearly left the courtyard, when Teige rode up beside them. “Milord?”

  “Be quick, man. I have a long ride ahead of me.” He glanced at Teige, irritated that he was being delayed.

  “I only ask that ye wait a few more days before ye make this journey.” “As I see it there is no need for me to be here.”

  “But milady is not well an
d….”

  “Aislinn needs no one but herself. As far as I’m concerned she may have it that way. I’m through with her and this mock marriage. The sooner we part company the better.”

  “Surely ye do not mean that, milord.”

  Dougray glared down at the young man who obviously had no idea what it meant to be married to a woman who chose to be so much her own person that she shut everyone out. “We do not live well together, Teige. I do her a great service by setting her free.” He was about to put his mount into motion but pulled back on his reins. He may not be back for a while, and though he did not see himself staying married to Aislinn, he did not want any harm to come to her. “Ye will protect her until I make other arrangement. I am still responsible for her welfare and the lass can get into mischief easily enough.”

  “Ye need not ask, milord. I would guard her with my life.”

  With that Dougray gave a nod of farewell and clicked his tongue. His mount immediately moved forward. They were a distance away before Murrough questioned his friend’s hurried departure. Rhiannon had informed him that Dougray had not made amends with Aislinn and it bothered him that he would not open up to what was eating away at him. “Ye did not stay long.”

  “I saw to what needed immediate care,” he answered but he remained preoccupied with his concerns. He was trying to distance himself from Aislinn, but his thoughts seemed to always drift to her. She possessed such a sharp tongue and was always so strong willed in mind, as well as in body, but now even Teige had made reference to her health. She had not appeared fit. She had dark shadows under her eyes and looked as if she had lost weight rather than gain it. If she had not had the slight roundness of her midsection, he would have never known that she was going to have a baby. She had to be about four, maybe five months along. Meaning Fingham could not possibly be the father, and she could not have taken the liquid Neala had given her. Of course, he knew the liquid was not always foolproof. She could have simply been caught.

  “We could go back,” Murrough suggested knowing his stubborn friend really didn’t want to leave, and he wasn’t in favor of going either. It had been too short of a visit with his Rhiannon and right now he was thinking about her warm embrace.

  “I need time,” Dougray stated. “I will see my sister then I’ll decide what I must do next.”

  Declan let out a sob. “I want A.J. to come with us.”

  “Ye will be fine, Declan. Now hush. We have a long ride.”

  Chapter 63

  The longer that Dougray stayed away, the more despondent Aislinn began to feel. She would burst out crying for no reason and found herself not wanting to leave her bed, for she dreaded starting another day. She tried to convince herself that the emotional outbursts and the fact that she couldn’t keep a meal down were due to her hormones being amuck. She had heard of morning sickness, but this didn’t seem to apply to her. She was ill most of the day and the nausea hadn’t begun until her second trimester. She worried that there was something wrong.

  She was normally a healthy person. This experience was a rude awakening. She was beyond exhausted fighting a battle to stay well and failing miserably.

  Cahir seemed concerned and had ordered special meals brought to her. He feared that she was not getting enough nourishment and frankly she had to agree with him. She kept trying for the baby’s sake.

  Every day was like the one before until all of them began to become a blur of idle talk and chores. Again this day would have been like all the others, but she awoke with horrific abdominal pains that seemed to rip right through her, but just as quickly as they had started they were gone again. For a long time, she didn’t dare move. She may have never experienced pregnancy before, but she knew enough that she shouldn’t be having contractions this soon.

  She sat near the fire to keep warm and picked up the book that she had started. But after about fifteen minutes of re-reading the same page over and over again, she put the book down. She needed to feel reassured that she was all right, that the baby was okay. She needed to see Neala.

  She patted her stomach already loving the idea that there would be a child. How she wished Dougray would come to realize that she had never been dishonest with him in any way. She missed him so much and she knew the longer that he stayed away, the more time he would have to harden his heart against her, while hers was breaking a little more each day. She donned her cloak. Swallowing hard and straightening her shoulders, she tried to bring herself out of the cobweb of dismay.

  Subconsciously she fingered the ring Dougray had placed on her finger.

  She needed him. Never had she admitted needing anyone before and it frightened her to feel that vulnerable. She needed him, and he had abandoned her.

  Neala listened silently to Aislinn, letting the poor girl cleanse her soul. She was worried for she could still see that all was not well with the spiral of life. Chaos and confusion clouded Aislinn and Dougray’s life and she was powerless to stop its impending darkness. “Ye need to stay calm, lass.”

  “I’m trying, truly I am, but I’m so worried. I’m worried that Dougray will never come back. He was so angry, Neala. The way he looked at me, it was like he wished me gone from his life.” She slowly raised the cup and sipped the hot liquid that Neala had given to her. “I should have listened to you, Neala. He will never forgive me for asking you for those herbs. He thinks that I have betrayed him. He even insinuated that the child I carry wasn’t his. It has all turned out so horribly.” Her eyes searched the older wiser woman’s. “You showed me before what could be, when I gazed into the pond. Is that still possible for I don’t feel that it is? Everything is slipping away.”

  “Anything is possible.” Neala sighed.

  “I sense that you know something that you aren’t telling me.”

  “Ye took paths that ye both should not have done. There is a rift between ye two. I am not talking about the distances ye both created. It is the life force surrounding ye that is in an upheaval. Sacrifices will be asked from ye both.” Aislinn’s brows furrowed. “Sacrifices?” She placed a hand over her midsection without realizing she had even done so.

  Neala pursed her lips together. “There is more at work here than meets the eye and I am not sure where it will lead.”

  Instead of her visit with Neala putting her at ease, it only served to frighten her more with all her talk of the spirals not being defined.

  Lynelle caught up with Aislinn just before she had entered the castle. “Milady, milady, will ye come play a game with us?” the freckle-faced girl pleaded making Aislinn feel that she couldn’t refuse her. She let the young girl take her hand and nearly drag her to where Regan and some of the other children were already waiting.

  Edward was there too and he came forward with a shy smile penetrating his small features. “It is good to see ye, milady. Ye are feeling better?”

  “I am doing fine, Edward.” She smiled and her spirits lifted. “What game shall we play?”

  Regan put his arm around the small boy. She smiled marveling over how this child had changed. Before he would have tormented poor Edward and would have wanted to see him cry, but now he showed compassion, friendship. “I say we should play hopscotch,” Regan suggested.

  “I will watch then,” Aislinn offered.

  She was about to sit down on the ground when Regan halted her. “Wait, milady.” He laid out his cloak for her.

  “Why thank you, Regan.”

  He smiled broadly and bowed, proud of the fact that he had pleased her. She sat down and wrapped her mantle closer around her. She watched as the children hopped to and fro. It was a simple game that she had enjoyed as a child too, never thinking about the significance of it for it had somehow lost its meaning through time. Lynelle had explained to her that a visiting monk had been the one to show them the game. It was meant as a religious teaching of how the soul perils through life on its way to its final destination of paradise. If only life could be that simple. Just a hop, skip and jump away from where yo
u wanted to be.

  “It is good to see that ye have given the children a better sense of play.” Aislinn shielded her eyes against the sun to see Abbot Kirwan standing over her. How she wished the man would leave her alone. Now all she needed was to have Cahir at his side to complete the misery. At that moment the man came into view and was heading right toward her. She had to stop herself from swearing for the abbot was already convinced that she was destined for hell, and there was no use in confirming it right now. Instead she forced a smile. “I am glad that you approve, Abbot Kirwan. Do you wish to join us?” She smiled up at him but the abbot was well aware that she had no wish for his company. He must remember to pray again for this woman’s soul for now she carried the Lord of Dunhaven’s child, bastard child he reminded himself. They were not married in God’s eyes.

  “Nay, I have things to attend to.” He knelt down on his haunches so that he could meet her eyes. “Ye must repent before it is too late. I beg ye to do this.” Without waiting for a comment from her, he stood then and moved on his way. Any other time, she would have ignored his words but today it chilled her. She pulled at her cloak.

  “Are ye cold, milady?” Cahir asked her. “I am fine, thank you.”

  “I have brought ye some nourishment. I did not see ye in the banquet hall this morning. Are ye again not feeling well?” He handed her some fruit and nuts.

  She wasn’t hungry, but if it would make the physician leave her in peace, she would eat just about anything. “Thank you for your concern. I was up early and had a quick bite to eat,” which was a complete lie, but she wasn’t in the mood to hear another lecture from him. “I see.”

  She nibbled on the fresh fruit, hoping that he wouldn’t stay long. The man seemed to sense this and, after a moment, bid her farewell. She was not surprised to see that he caught up with the abbot.

  Edward noticed that Aislinn’s face had paled and he walked over to her. “Are ye all right, milady?”