Lost in the Mist of Time

by Karen Michelle Nutt

  Nothing that Teige had told him could have prepared him for this. He had only been gone for a few weeks and in that time she had become a shadow of her former self.

  She had been what he would have called thin, but healthy. Now the bones in her face were more pronounced. Her dark eyes that had been full of life were now hollow orbs, sunken deep within her skull. Her skin that had been a healthy shade of sun bronze, but now it appeared a pasty white. She lived yes, but barely.

  She finally looked up. It must have taken her a moment to realize who he was, for he could see the confusion there before recognition set in. Then she turned away from him.

  For a moment, he closed his lids, trying to block out the nauseating despair that he might be too late to help her. “Aislinn?” He covered the space that separated them and tried to reach out to her, but she flinched at his touch and scooted away to the far edge of the seat.

  “Don’t touch me.” Her voice was raw and ominous. It devastated him that she sounded so tormented.

  “Why don’t ye want me to touch ye, Aislinn? Share with me yer grief. Let me help ye.”

  She began to rock as she hugged her knees closer to her body. She closed her eyes willing him away with her mind, fighting the tears that were ready to spill forth. “Just go. Just let me….” She choked back a sob.

  “What, Aislinn? Let ye what? Die? Is that what ye were going to say?” At least that stopped her rocking long enough for her eyes to claw him like talons. Maybe he wasn’t too late after all, if he could still spark a response like that out of her. “That’s it, isn’t it? Ye are giving up.”

  “I want to die,” she cried with such conviction that he felt his heart clench with fear.

  He came to her then not letting her push him away. He pulled her hard against his chest. After a moment she ceased to struggle, though she didn’t return the embrace. “I wish we could….” He didn’t finish the thought. “I’m sorry about the baby.” He truly was too for it was just as much his loss as hers, but right now he was sure she didn’t want to hear him confess it as so. He felt her whole body stiffen before she pushed him away. She jumped to her feet, nearly toppling over because of her weakened state, but somehow she managed to steady herself.

  “You mean my baby.” She pounded her chest. Hot tears pouring down her face. “You denied the possibility, didn’t you?” She was suddenly assailed with a terrible sense of bitterness and she didn’t spare him. “You didn’t believe the child was yours. Why aren’t you celebrating, Dougray? It’s gone. The tiny little soul is gone. Sure makes it easier now, doesn’t it? No worries about raising a bastard.” Her sarcasm wasn’t lost in the sob. Her shoulders began to heave as she breathed. “I can’t believe you would think so lowly of me that you would even suggest….” She paused in her tirade meeting his gaze. “It’s amazing how little you know me, Dougray.”

  “It goes both ways, doesn’t it?”

  “I hate you!” The moment she said the words, she wished that she could have taken them back, for the look he gave her was so wounded that it was like a sword had cut him in two.

  He sat there for a long time, his face bleak with sorrow for the pain he had caused her. “Well,” he sighed wearily as he came to his feet, “if hate is the emotion that will keep ye alive then use it, Aislinn. Feed on it. Hate me all ye want.” He started toward the door, but instead of leaving, he yelled for Moira, who was there in a matter of seconds. “Have Roth make a broth for milady.”

  “Aye, milord.”

  “I won’t eat it!” she screamed at him and he turned to face her. His eyes told her he was determined to see this through.

  “Ye will even if I have to pour it down yer throat.” “I’ll kill ye first.”

  He chuckled without mirth. “I’d like to see ye try. Have ye not looked at yerself lately?” She hesitantly glanced down at the clothes she wore. They hung on her like they were meant for a much larger person. “Aah, I see that ye have not,” he continued. “Ye would blow away in the wind.” He approached her, baiting her to fight, for if she would, then all was not lost. “Ye’re pathetic.” She lashed out at him but her strength was gone and she nearly fell. He held onto her steadying her. “Ye will have to do better than that if ye plan on ending my life as ye so threatened.”

  Her anger became a scalding fury of heated words. “I hate you! I’ll hate you until I die!” She pounded on his chest, but he refused to show any compassion to her pathetic jabs.

  “I thought that we had already established yer affections toward me.” He pushed her onto the bed and she remained there for a moment trying to catch her breath.

  “Why are you doing this?” The loathing was quite evident in her voice. “Why can’t you just leave me be?”

  “Nay. Ye will not die here. If ye choose to end yer life, ye will have to do it elsewhere. Ye will get well, Aislinn. I have every intention of making it so, and if ye still have the inclination to want to kill me then, at least it will be a challenge.”

  He turned and left the room to find out what was taking so long for the broth to be brought up.

  There was so much that Dougray wanted to tell her, but where could he begin when she said that she despised him? How could he ask her to forgive him when she had no compassion left in her heart?

  Dougray was true to his word. He himself brought the warm soup to Aislinn’s room. He gave strict instructions that no one was to disturb them. He then shut the door securing it behind him. Aislinn’s mouth dropped open when she saw his intent. He was really going to force her to eat.

  “Come sit down.”

  “I’ll eat later.” She decided maybe if she would agree he would leave her alone.

  “Uh uh. I don’t believe ye.” He pulled out the chair and motioned with his hand for her to take a seat. She backed away shaking her head. “I have all day, Aislinn. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. It is yer choice.”

  “You go to hell, Dougray Fitzpatrick.” “After ye, my dear.” And he went after her.

  Moira heard Aislinn’s scream and it took all her will power not to throw open the door to see if she needed saving. Teige was just coming up the stairs when another scream penetrated the stillness. “What is going on?”

  “I don’t know, but milord said that no one was to disturb them. Ye don’t think he would hurt her?” Just then they heard Dougray bellow.

  “Nay.” Teige shook his head. “I think we might have to fear for milord’s safety.”

  After about an hour, Dougray emerged from the room. He was an utter mess. The soup stained his tunic and some was evident in his hair. “She is not to leave this room. I will be back in a few hours and I want another large bowl of broth ready. Is that understood?” Teige noticed that he was rubbing his arm.

  “Are ye all right, milord?”

  “Fine.” He looked to Moira. “Tend to yer mistress. She could use a friendly face right about now.”

  “Aye, milord.” She went directly in.

  “She is not harmed? Is she?” Teige was embarrassed that he had voiced the question. “I am sorry, milord. I….”

  “Nay, Teige, I am not angry. Ye care for Aislinn and I am most grateful that ye do. She would have died if ye had not come for me. I am in yer debt.” He placed a hand on the young man’s shoulder, giving it a quick squeeze before he bounded down the steps.

  Neala was waiting for him when he walked through the glen. After all these years it still unsettled him that she was aware when company would arrive. She came out of her one-room shanty with a cup of welcoming liquid. “Lord of Dunhaven, what took ye so long?”

  Dougray raised a brow. He wasn’t sure if she was referring to their meeting now, or the fact that he had been away for weeks. He took the cup of the hot liquid from her and she led him to the fire, knowing that he would wish to speak. “She is so angry,” he said as he sat upon the rock.

  “And well she should be. Ye accused her of unfaithfulness and denounce the child she carried. Would ye nah be angry?” Her old ey
es held his like a lecturing mother.

  “She took the herbs from ye,” he shot back in defense.

  She sighed with disappointment. “Ye are back to that again? Have ye learned nothing from the mistakes ye have made?”

  He drew in a deep breath not wanting to argue. He needed the old woman’s advice to ensure Aislinn’s recovery and so far he was wasting time. “Nay, I have learned. She never took the potion, but I had refused to see it. I have realized all too late what wrong I have done. She had wanted to explain, but I refused to let her have her say and now our child is lost to us.”

  “Think yerself lucky. Ye could have lost her as well, and ye would have never had the chance to set things right. Ye’re a young fool and she is nah innocent in that matter either, bickering and fighting over naught. Ye are only here on this earth for just a breath of time, a moment, I tell ye, but ye continue to waste what could be yers.”

  “I hadn’t intended to.” He rose from his seat, not liking being scolded. “I don’t want to.”

  “Bah!” She waved her hand at him, obviously not believing him.

  “Damn it, old woman, I love her!” He didn’t realize he had raised his voice until he heard the birds in the trees flutter away. “I love her,” he said again but a little more quietly.

  She eyed him for a long time as though she was deciding for herself if he was telling her the truth. She sighed with a nod of her head. “So ye do.” She went back to her house leaving him there staring at the empty doorway. He knew not what else to do and followed the old woman inside to find her intently looking for something. “Now where is it?”

  He cleared his throat drawing her attention. He needed her advice before he went back. “What can I do? She says that she loathes my presence. She even threatened my life.”

  Neala chuckled. “Aye, I would nah doubt that she would say this and believe it so, but I have found that love and hate run very close together.” She took the cup from him and handed him two containers.

  “What are these for?”

  “One is for milady. Now that she is eating again, this will help settle her stomach and keep the food down.” He didn’t even ask how she knew.

  “And the other?”

  “It is for the bite on yer arm.”

  Now this he didn’t let go. She couldn’t see the wound for it was covered. “How…?”

  “It is nah difficult to know. Ye favored the arm. Now go back to the castle and be persistent with her. And milord, it is important that ye bring her the food that will nourish her body. It must be from yer hands to hers. Do ye understand? Yer hands only.”

  All the way back to the castle, he kept wondering about the strange request Neala made of him. Why would it matter who brought the food up to the room? But Aislinn’s life was at stake here and he was not going to take any chances. He went directly to the kitchen where he ran into the physician.

  “Cahir?”

  “Milord? Begging yer pardon.” He moved away and would have continued on but Dougray stopped him.

  “What business do ye have here?”

  He hesitated for a moment. “I was asking Roth to try another meal for milady. Ye have seen for yerself…well she needs meat on her bones.”

  “Yer concern is well noted. I appreciate that ye would trouble yerself.”

  “I am the physician here. I felt it my duty to see if I could help. She had refused to see me, milord, or I would have intervened sooner.”

  “It is all right. I am here now and she will do no more refusing. Again thank ye.” Cahir nodded and hurried on his way.

  Roth looked up when Dougray entered. “Milord, what brings ye here?” “Just checking to see if the soup was ready.”

  “Aye, that it is, nice and hot. Hopefully milady will be able to keep it down.” He shook his head sadly as he poured the hot liquid into a bowl. “She’s just about dwindled down to bones.”

  “We’ll turn it around.”

  “Are ye going to let Abbot Kirwan bless it?”

  “Kirwan?”

  “He comes by and blesses milady’s food.” Dougray for a moment didn’t say anything. “Milord?”

  “What?…Nay, Roth. I don’t wish to wait.” He took the bowl and headed for the door then on second thought he turned again to address him. “From now on, Roth, no one but ye and I will touch milady’s meals. Do ye understand?”

  “Whatever ye say, milord,” he answered slowly wondering why he was issuing such an odd request.

  “Good.” Then he was gone without further explanation.

  Aislinn fought him again on the next meal, calling him names he did not know the meanings to, and he was sure that he would not wish to. “Be persistent,” he kept saying to himself for his resolve was weakening. He wanted to hold her and comfort her, not cause her more pain, but to let up now would mean her death. She had to keep some nourishment down.

  When he arrived for the evening meal, she was lying on the bed and only lifted her head to see who had entered. He immediately became concerned. Putting the tray down, he went over to her.

  “Please, I am too tired. I just can’t eat another bite. I can’t. I just can’t.” A tear slid down her face and he gently brushed it away, his heart breaking to see her so defeated.

  “If ye promise to be good tomorrow….”

  Her large eyes widened as she nodded her head. “I promise.” She sounded so much like a child that he couldn’t resist leaning down and giving her a quick kiss on the top of her head.

  “Then sleep, Aislinn.” She sniffled. “Dougray?” “Hmm?”

  “Will you tell me where Declan is?” He could see that she was holding her breath, dreading his answer.

  “He is here, lass. I will bring him to ye tomorrow.” Tears glistened on her pale face. “Thank you.”

  “Now close yer eyes.” She didn’t even argue for she was beyond exhausted. He stayed, gently holding her hand until she fell asleep. “I’ll make this all up to ye. I promise.” He kissed her hand above the amber ring that he had given her when they handfasted, making his pledge to her. “I will make amends with ye, Aislinn, if it takes me all my days to do so.”

  Chapter 67

  The next day, she was good to her word and didn’t fight him when it came time for a meal, but by no means was she cordial either. She had some of her spunk back and her intense glare was enough to convince him that she resented him being there. He folded his arms against his chest, refusing to leave until she had left her bowl dry. Then he had her drink the mixture that Neala had given him so that she would not have a queasy stomach.

  “Now wait here.” His demand seemed ludicrous since she hadn’t been able to leave the room for days. A few minutes later Declan came running in to greet her.

  “A.J.!” His face beamed with happiness and he ran into her welcoming arms. “I missed ye so much.”

  “I’ve missed you too.” She held him tight not wanting to let him go. Tears of pleasure found their way to her eyes.

  Declan pulled away to look at her, confused by her outburst. “What is the matter? Are ye not happy to see me?”

  She chuckled and sniffled at the same time. “Of course, I’m happy to see you. These are tears of joy.”

  “They are?” He wasn’t at all convinced.

  “Don’t try to figure it out, Declan.” Dougray had been watching them from the doorway. The boy turned to look at him. “Women are a mystery to me also. Just accept what she says.”

  “You’ll let him stay for a while, Dougray?”

  She made him feel like an ogre and a part of him could not blame her. He had taken the boy away from her, obviously convincing her that he had the notion to deposit him any old place other than here. “Aye, if ye are up to a visitor.”

  “I feel better already. Come here, Declan, and give me a hug again. I missed you so much.” The boy was all too eager to comply.

  She looked over Declan’s shoulder at him with the faintest of smiles. He nodded his head toward her before he left them alone
.

  The first few days the herbs that Neala had sent back with Dougray were a godsend. Slowly but surely her stomach did not rebel and she was able to keep the food down. Within the week she was eating solid foods and her strength was slowly returning. She even dressed in a simple gown and let Moira fix her hair with ribbons. She still needed to put on some weight, but her cheeks had begun to fill out and the dark shadows beneath her eyes were not so pronounced. She even had the energy to tell Declan stories and to play a few games with him.

  Dougray knocked once but did not wait to be admitted. Both Moira and Aislinn turned to stare at him. They had not been expecting him so soon. “I finished my breakfast,” she said defensively.

  His lips tugged at a smile. “I am not here to question ye. I am here to take ye out for a ride.”

  For a moment, she was actually thrilled at the idea of an outing, but she was still not ready to let herself enjoy the luxury. She was harboring too much guilt that she had been the cause of the miscarriage. It wasn’t right for her to partake in some frivolous pleasure. She turned away from him. “I don’t want to go.”

  He was well aware she was punishing herself and he was not going to let her continue. “I was not asking, Aislinn. I was telling ye. Her cloak, Moira.” “Aye, milord.” She quickly went to the chest and took out the rich-colored red cloak that was thick enough to keep her warm should the weather turn cold. Dougray took it from Moira. Facing her, he reached over her wrapping it around her shoulders, clasping it below her chin. “I can’t go.”

  “Ye can’t hide in here forever.” “I’m not hiding.”

  “Nay?” He lifted his brows. “Ye know that ye are. Do ye want the whole keep to think ye are a coward?”

  “I am no coward,” her voice snapped with defiance.

  “I thought not.” And he took her hand firmly in his, pulling her behind him. She knew by his attitude that it would be useless to resist.