by Suzanne Cass
Finding a large rock to perch on in the dappled shade of a tropical walnut she rested her head on her knees and stared into the shallows of a large puddle of murky water. As soon as she sat, a plume of little gnat-like flies descended and did slow circles around her head. She tried to ignore them.
What was she to do now? Winning the exemption knockout was an unexpected boon, she’d never factored it into her plans before now because she’d thought it unattainable. Up until an hour ago her hold on Sea-Quest had been tenuous at best, reliant on how much she was prepared to abase herself to Simon. The thought of being deferential to Simon, to stroke his ego just so he’d contemplate not getting rid of her had made her feel physically sick. Exemption meant she no longer needed to do that. She held the power now. But what to do with it? Should she use it to get rid of Simon, as she so desperately wanted to do? Or should she keep him around and get rid of Hayden?
The different permutations and consequences fought for their right to be heard in her mind and became so loud and bewildering she found herself wanting to scream to release the tension. She leapt off the rock and started to walk. The direction wasn’t important, all she needed was movement. The act of doing something helped calm the harsh voices in her head. She knew what she really wanted to do.
She needed to talk to Tam.
Tam. Every time she thought about him a pain formed deep inside. The pain – a question really – which clawed and tore, trying to shred her from the inside out. So far she’d kept that pain at bay, shoved it behind a reinforced wall in her mind and locked the door. She thought she’d thrown away the key too, but that question kept battering and battering, wanting to crash through her barriers. She knew if she let it out, explored her feelings for Tam, all her accustomed, solid beliefs might be altered. She’d held that question in limbo for the past few days, nursing it, letting it prowl around the peripheries of her consciousness, not ready to learn the consequences of it.
But it was time. Time to let the question out.
What did Tam mean to her? How far did her feelings go for him? Was she in love with him And what did that mean for the choice in front of her today?
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
The golden orb melted into the ocean, turning the waves to shimmering metallic blue. A lonely seabird sailed across the sky, on its way back to roost before the dark of night claimed the island. The drone of cicadas, still loud at Tam’s back, emanated from the thick blanket of jungle leaves. A low thrum vibrated through his body, as the waves smashed themselves against the rock face, lulling him with the familiar sounds of the evening.
Tam wanted to drink it all in so he’d remember this peace, this tranquillity, this feeling of aliveness, when he got back to the city. If this was to be his last night here, then he wanted to make the most of it.
He’d accepted his fate. He’d lost at the exemption knockout today; his only real hope of staying on any longer. Without doubt the other four would conspire to send him home. He was an intruder back from Deception, to be got rid of as soon as possible.
At one stage earlier this afternoon, Tam had approached Rosa when she’d gone to collect firewood. She’d smiled and simpered and pretended to acquiesce to his suggestion, saying she’d think about the ramifications of voting Simon off instead of him. But Tam knew. She wasn’t about to turn, no matter how good his proposal sounded.
And Hayden had cemented that idea when he’d turned up, inadvertently interrupting their tete-a-tete, saying, ‘Look, mate, it’s nothing personal, but we’ll be sticking to our original plan. We have too much to lose if we don’t.’ At least the man was straight to the point, no mucking around or keeping him on tenterhooks.
He was going to be voted out tonight.
So he’d decided to come out to the headland one last time. To enjoy the solitude and think back to the time when he and Alisha and Cilla had all sat at the edge of the Dawnbreakers beach, laughing and gossiping.
A sound caught his attention and he turned to look behind him. Cilla was making her way towards him, picking her way over the uneven rocks.
He felt the muscles in his face tighten, even as his heartbeat kicked up a few notches. What could she possibly want from him?
‘Do you mind?’ she said as she drew up alongside him. He shook his head, but didn’t look up. Her feet appeared, dangling in the cool water next to his. Tam followed the line of her legs, up her well-defined calves to her taught, tanned thighs resting so near to his.
A silence stretched between them.
Tam wouldn’t be the first to break it. His guts were knotted tight, every nerve on edge.
It wasn’t fair, what she did to him. The chemistry between them still crackled. It was there in the way he longed to reach out and stoke her back, run his tongue over her collarbone and taste her sun-kissed skin. He let out an unsteady breath. She was so quiet and still next to him. He wanted to nonchalantly drape his arm around her shoulders the way Hayden had earlier today. Four days ago he’d have been able to do that, now the wall between them was so high he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to scale it again.
He could feel the trepidation oozing from her and knew she was just a tightly wound as he was. What did she want? Surely she hadn’t come to ask him back into an alliance? Surely she knew him better than that.
The silence still hovered and finally he had to know. He forced his gaze up. Emerald eyes darkened as she met his stare. He lifted an eyebrow in query and she bit her bottom lip.
‘Tam, I …’ she faltered and stopped, casting her gaze out to waves breaking over the reef, as if to gain some much needed fortitude. ‘I want to apologise,’ she said, her voice low, speaking as if talking to the ocean.
He knew how much it must’ve cost her to say those words. Her pride kept her strong, kept her independent; to swallow that pride must’ve been a bitter pill indeed. Something in him softened, the lump of cold hard rancour, which had sustained him over these past few days thawed just a little, the edges starting to blur. Not enough to make him ready to give in to her needs. He stared at her profile but remained mute, waiting for more.
When he didn’t reply, she went on, ‘You probably have every right not to accept my apology, but I want to give it anyway.’ This time she turned her face towards him, allowing him to search her gaze for any form of deceit. There was none. It seemed her confession was heartfelt and sincere, not merely a ploy to get him back on her side. The tiny diamond in her nose-piercing glinted in the dying rays of sunlight. That same light caught her eyes, turning the dark flecks in her irises to gold.
‘I’m sorry I voted you out the other night.’
‘You did what you thought you had to, Cilla.’ He knew he was being obtuse but he was still unwilling to make this easy for her. It was her fault he’d been sent to Deception and it was only by sheer luck and skill that he’d made it back into the game. Three long days and nights he’d spent at Deception, turning her change in loyalty over and over in his head. No matter how he looked at it, he could find no plausible reason for her to have turned on him so cruelly. Sure, he’d been wrong not to tell her of his voyeuristic viewing while she was naked at the little bay. But the more he thought about it the more he knew she’d overreacted. Any normal person would’ve been embarrassed and angry, but she’d turned his fairly minor deceit into a major betrayal. Blown it all out of proportion. Something much more was at play here, and unless she gave him more, a lot more, he wasn’t going to be involved in her little game. He wasn’t nearly ready to absolve her yet.
‘I did what I thought was right at the time,’ she replied, her voice small. ‘I know you’re probably really angry at me, but …’ He could tell by the way a muscle pulsed in her jaw she was working to find the right words. ‘I was just hoping we might still be friends. That’s all. You know after this is all over.’
‘Friends? You want to be friends?’ The last word came out in a menacing growl. He couldn’t keep up with her drastic changes in direction. Even as little as an hour ago
she’d still been studiously ignoring him, letting him believe she regarded him with distaste and abhorrence. Now she wanted to be friends. This wasn’t what he’d expected and it wasn’t good enough.
A thought interrupted, whispering to him that perhaps she was angling to get him back on her side, to help her overthrow Simon. That she was still trying to use him, to manipulate him, play to his weakness. His anger flared and her duplicity pierced his gut making him clench his hands into fists at his side.
‘You think I’m vulgar, that I can’t be trusted.’ He shook his head to clear the memory of their fight on the beach. Her accusation burned hot in his chest, even now. ‘How did you put it … us men are all the same. All a pack of liars,’ he said, voice rough and hoarse. He could see he’d hit the mark when she flinched and dropped her chin.
‘I know I said that in the heat of the moment, but I’ve had a lot of time to think about it over the last few days.’ Lifting her head again, she braced both hands on the rocks beside her. ‘I have trouble trusting men sometimes.’
Now that was an understatement if ever he heard one. But the look on her face – one of the terror of exposing such a confidence – made him check his heated answer before it left his lips. It seemed as if she’d just taken a big step admitting even that much to him.
‘It’s a long story, and not one I like to tell many people. Actually, I’ve never told anybody else.’ She closed her eyes for the briefest of moments, as if steeling herself. ‘My father is the antithesis of everything a good father should be. He is a liar and a cheat, with a dirty gambling addiction. He’s the reason I’m out here on this island.’ Releasing a breath, she gave a self-deprecating laugh. ‘How about I just say, I have daddy issues for now. You should understand that, being a shrink and all.’
He felt a quiver of defensiveness at her mockery of his profession, but he knew it wasn’t meant in malice, more of a way to make light of her own predicament.
‘Anyway, I shouldn’t have projected my prejudices onto you, it was unfair. I know that now.’
It was all starting to make a little more sense. He wanted to kick himself. No psychologist worth their salt should have missed the signs, they were obvious if anyone cared to look. The lack of self-esteem, the fact she was adamant she could cope with everything on her own. She was finally opening up to him, and God knows how he’d love to delve into the mysteries that made up Cilla Parsons. Should he take what she was saying at face value? Was this really the truth, the heart of Cilla?
Part of him wanted to believe her; that she’d changed, that she was ready to accept him as he was. To forgive her.
But the question remained. Should he trust his heart? Or his head?
He almost laughed out loud at the irony of it all. Four days ago he’d been ready to tell her about his past, about his time spent in juvenile detention. About his family and where he came from. Face it, they both had monumental trust issues. The question was could they get past them? It’d take time and fortitude to work through their problems together, but they could do it, if they’d just allow themselves to fall.
Did he want to explore this further, this thing with Cilla? Was the magnetism, the strongest physical attraction he’d ever encountered, this strange feeling of joy when he was near her, enough?
One thing he did know, he didn’t regret one minute he’d spent with her. And suddenly it dawned on him. He’d never be happy unless he possessed her body and soul.
With unexpected clarity he realised he couldn’t do what she was asking of him.
‘I forgive you, Cilla, for voting me out.’ He raised his hand to forestall her quick smile. He wasn’t finished yet. ‘But I’m sorry, I can’t do just friends. My feelings towards you are … complicated, but I need more than that.’ She gave a start, his answer not what she was expecting. In the dimming light he could see her face cloud with distress, but he ploughed on. ‘If we were just friends, seeing you, being near you and not being able to touch you. That would rip me to shreds, piece by tiny piece. I want to be with you, but if you don’t want to be with me, then it’s better we stop this now.’
He’d finally said it, there was no recalling those words now. But instead of the self-recrimination he’d thought the admission would bring, he felt as if a great weight had lifted from his shoulders. Somehow, confessing his feelings to her had released him. It was an odd sensation, strangely enlightening. How would she react? He watched her face, letting his eyes rove over her cheekbones, follow the smooth curve of her jaw. Savouring her face one last time, so he’d remember this moment.
They sat for uncounted seconds, gazing at each other while she digested what he’d said. A pink flush crept up her neck, tinging her cheeks with an enticing rosy glow.
Keeping her gaze fixed on him, she finally said, ‘I think I … that is, I know … I feel the same way, Tam.’
Her quiet words overwhelmed him.
She felt it too. He ran a shaky hand through his hair. Could he really believe she had such a change of heart in less than a day? Disbelief still shrouded his mind, clung to his insides like a black veil.
‘Prove it.’
‘What?’ She gave a convulsive swallow.
‘Give me some kind of sign. Show me what you’re willing to do to prove you feel the same way as me.’ His pulse began to race, wondering how she’d answer his dare. Cilla wet her lips with the tip of her tongue, her fingers fidgeted up and down on her thigh.
She hesitated.
The flare of hope in his heart died.
‘Don’t worry about it, Cilla.’ He turned away from her, ready to lever himself up off the rocks.
Her hand on his arm stopped him. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to, Tam,’ she repudiated. ‘It’s just that I’m confused. Afraid of what I might discover.’
‘Discover about me?’
‘No. About me.’ Her words were so quiet he almost missed them.
A shout from behind made them both turn simultaneously. Simon waved at them as he made his way over the rocks, and for the first time Tam noticed the grey light of dusk had descended, smudging the edges of his vision with growing darkness.
Damn Simon. Damn him to hell.
Their chance for reconciliation was gone.
‘It’s time to go to conclave,’ Cilla said, resigned, the flush on her cheeks dying with Simon’s arrival.
They had so much left to discuss, so much left unsaid. But at least she’d forgiven him, and he her. Now he’d be going home tonight with the great burden of that all-consuming anger lifted from his soul. His heart would bear the brunt of the scars earned on this island. He’d be leaving as a changed man, and it was all because of her.
The least he could do was let her know it was all right, that he could forgive her now.
‘You do what you need to do tonight, Cilla. I’ll understand, no matter what you decide.’
The look she gave him was full of such raw confusion he almost wished he hadn’t said it.
~
Cilla took her seat on the upturned log at the conclave, along with the other four contestants. Shadows from the flames in the fire pit flickered with the wind, causing the wooden statue of some kind of sea monster in the corner of the platform seem as if it was giving her the evil eye. It was breezy, but still warm and humid. Thankfully the rain held off tonight. The last thing she needed was a soaking, not for what she was about to do. Her decision had been remarkably easy to make after all, and now she was impatient to get on with it.
Her gaze settled on the panel who were sitting in the bleachers on the opposite corner of the platform. She’d been shocked to see them all file in, just after the contestants had taken their places. Every castaway had stopped whatever he or she had been doing to stare. JJ told them now Deception was finally finished, the secret as to who was on the panel was out, so it was time for them to lay all the cards on the table. The next two people voted off the island would go straight onto the panel as well. A shiver chafed down her spine at the thought.<
br />
Cilla surveyed them, all people she’d played the game with. It was hard watching them file in, knowing she’d played a part of some in their downfalls. Cho came first, then Jason. They both looked clean and relaxed and happy. Susan and Marg came next and Cilla found her hand lifting of its own violation to give them a wave. She let it flop back into her lap. JJ told them they weren’t allowed any kind of interaction with the panel whatsoever. It was great to see Marg looking healthy and fit again, she’d obviously recovered well from the stonefish poison. And it was even better to see they’d allowed Marg to take her rightful spot on the panel. Cilla had been worried they might excluded her because of the way she’d left the island.
Alisha was the last to come up the stairs and Cilla had to hold in a gasp of surprise. She looked beautiful, her hair brushed and pulled back into a chignon, and wearing a blue dress which emphasized her shinning dark skin. Alisha gave a secret smile, meant only for Cilla to see. Her spirits lifted.
‘So, Cilla.’ Her attention snapped back at the mention of her name. ‘You have the exemption talisman, well done.’
‘Thank you, JJ.’
‘I assume you’ll be keeping it, but I do have to ask anyway. Did you want to pass on your figurine to anyone else before we start the vote?’ JJ’s gaze had already flickered away from her, presuming she was going to shake her head, the same way everyone else who’d held the talisman this season had done.
Cilla stood up. JJ stalled, half way to raising his arm to point at Simon.
