by Suzanne Cass
Tam’s glance flicked over to Hayden and he noticed he was bare-chested with a hessian bag slung over his shoulder, flashing his convivial smile towards Cilla often as they talked. He moved with cat-like grace, his body hard and athletic. He was obviously suited to this castaway lifestyle. Their banter was relaxed and sociable, two friends at ease in each other’s company. How things had changed since he’d gone. Hayden had barely registered on Cilla’s radar four days ago when he’d been voted out. Now look at them. A person would almost think they were best of buddies. The thought burned like a hot iron had been placed inside Tam’s ribcage.
Hayden looked up first and stopped dead in his tracks. Tam hardly registered Hayden’s reaction, his gaze was fixed on Cilla. Waiting.
It was with a stubborn sort of gratitude he watched her eyes widen when she saw him.
‘Tam!’ She took a few faltering steps towards him and then stopped, unsure. ‘You made it back.’
‘Yes I did.’ It took every ounce of willpower not to go up and take her in his arms. He wanted to. So badly. A flicker of acknowledgement passed, shadow-like, through her eyes. Her hands fluttered upwards as if of their own accord. Reaching for him? Regret, or was it contrition showed in the downturn of her mouth, the squeeze of the lines around her eyes. Then the emotion was gone as she lowered her palms and closed her eyes.
‘So, Alisha’s gone then?’ She re-opened her eyes and stared at him. Of course. That was the emotion he’d seen flick over her face. Sorrow at Alisha’s loss. It’d nothing to do with him returning. It wasn’t sorrow for what she’d done to him. She was the enemy, he must keep reminding himself of that fact.
‘We knew someone must be coming back soon,’ said Hayden, breaking their mute, glaring stalemate.
‘And there was a good chance it was going to be you,’ he added, very matter of fact. ‘Welcome back, Tam. I’m glad to see you.’ Hayden strode over and offered his hand. This time Tam took it and was rewarded with an absolutely sincere handshake. ‘This should make the game even more interesting.’ He gave Tam one of the genial smiles he’d been bestowing on Cilla only a minute before.
‘Come on then, let’s get these crabs in the pot, I’m starving. We caught plenty, more than enough to go around.’ Tam watched as Hayden chivvied Rosa to go and get some seawater to boil the crabs. The man was pretty much an open book. He’d undeniably meant what he said, Tam could feel it through the warmth of his handshake. Goddammit, why was Hayden so bloody … likeable.
Tam sat back down next to the fire. His manifestation in the camp had set the air buzzing with tension. It’d set them all into deep thought, he could see it in their distracted faces, weighing up old friendships, broken promises.
Good. It was good they were unbalanced. Maybe he could use it to his advantage.
He watched Cilla waver as she stood first on one foot and then the other, finally heading over to the shelter to stow the snorkelling gear, awkward and stilted in her movements, glancing back at him more than a few times as she went. He gave a grim smile. Let her be on edge, chary of him. That’s the way it should be from now on.
~
Another knockout day was upon them. Cilla rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Dawn had long since broken the grey sky, revolving through purple then pink, and then daylight had intruded with its dazzling glare. She’d stayed in bed, pretending to remain asleep underneath the warmth of the blanket. In truth not wanting to have to face Tam over the morning campfire. Would he even acknowledge her presence today? With a grunt she sat up, wrapping the blanket around her shoulders. She was about to find out.
‘We’ve got mail from Davy.’ Rosa appeared out of the jungle.
‘Great. Let’s hope it gives us a clue to our next knockout,’ said Hayden. ‘Cilla, are you gonna get up anytime soon? We want to read this mail now.’
‘Yep, coming,’ she replied, hauling her bottom over the lumpy bamboo floor. Tiny goose bumps raised on her arms and legs as she left the warmth of the blanket. The morning air was cooler than usual.
Tam was already there, standing next to Rosa, looking with interest at the parchment she held in her hand. Cilla kept her head down, not daring to make eye contact, unprepared for his imperturbable scrutiny just yet. Simon was making his way back from the shoreline. Rosa waited until they were all huddled around the fire before she unrolled the paper and read it aloud.
Cilla tried hard to listen to the words, but her gaze kept sliding sideways towards Tam. Because she dared not look up at his face her scrutiny slid to his feet instead. Tanned on top from the tropical sun, toes dug slightly into the sand, wide enough to keep his lofty frame standing tall and straight, broad shoulders squared. They were nice looking feet, generous and strong, just like Tam.
‘Sounds like it’s going to be about knots and puzzles,’ said Simon, dragging her back from the edge of distraction.
‘We need to have some breakfast. The boats will be coming soon.’ Tam was practical as always.
‘I’ll go and get some water,’ Cilla volunteered. Anything to keep her away from the camp.
Trudging along the path to the well, her thoughts kept returning to Tam. She’d wanted him to come back, had wished for it. And now here he was. But he wasn’t the same Tam who had left four nights ago. This Tam was altered. Cold and grey as steel, unsmiling and unforgiving. Did she blame him? Not really. She shouldn’t have expected anything different.
There was so much she wanted to, needed to, tell him. How sorry she was for a start. After three days she’d finally come to the conclusion he hadn’t deserved to be voted out. The ferocious anger she’d felt at his disloyalty had faded. Enough for her to realise she’d made a big mistake in breaking their alliance.
Simon was still hinting he’d like to take her to the top and she’d not disavowed him of that possibility, but somewhere deep inside there was a growing resistance to his sick little alliance. It wasn’t a decision she’d intentionally made, rather a perception her unconscious moral compass had formed without her permission. She kept trying to justify the fact she’d do anything for a million dollars, but the certainty that this wasn’t strictly true wouldn’t leave her.
She’d never really thought of herself as a particularly ethical person before; she did what needed to be done to survive, nothing more, nothing less. This was a new idea, one that wanted to move the goalposts of how she was supposed to live her life, and she wasn’t sure how to deal with it.
Tam was right, the boat arrived for them within the hour, just as they were tidying up from breakfast. Cilla stood right in the bow of the small wooden craft watching their island slide by on the left, the water blue and perfect on her right, enjoying the motion of the ship as it dipped over the small waves. Oh, how she missed her yacht. She imagined herself alone in the cockpit, tiller in hand, mainsail and jib bulging with a strong northerly. The feel of the power of wind and waves thrumming through the boat’s hull as if it were a living thing. The vibration feeding into her body, setting her mouth to laughing and her heart thudding in her chest. That was what it was to be free.
A quiet introspection had settled over the boat. The others were scattered around the edges of the deck, all lost in their own thoughts, using this as a time of contemplation. JJ, perched on the wooden bench that ran the width of the stern, watched them all with his paternal gaze.
Too soon they rounded the rocky point of land and there was the beach where most of the knockouts were held. JJ was first out of the boat, leading them all up the slope of the white sand. As he walked he let them take their first look at the course they’d be negotiating today. Cilla viewed the five wooden towers, interlaced with a spider web of ropes and the small table at the bottom of each tower. It didn’t look too complicated today.
‘Don’t be fooled by appearances,’ said JJ, as if reading her mind. ‘This is going to be one tricky knockout, requiring your mind to be at its peak.’ He waited until they all stood on the mat before he said, ‘For this knockout you’ll need all your men
tal faculties, but as you all know this experience out here isn’t only brutal on your body physically, but mentally as well. The lack of food and clean water will have dulled your deduction skills.’
There were murmurings of agreement within the small team.
‘You’re down to the final five. Single exemption is vitally important now. Whoever wins today is guaranteed a spot in the final four.’
‘You said it, JJ,’ Simon spoke from his spot at the back of the mat. ‘This is going to make or break someone today.’ Even though Simon was right, Cilla couldn’t look at him; couldn’t look at the arrogant twist to his mouth or the way he stood with legs apart as if he owned the whole beach. Funny, but for some reason she’d not been able to raise any enthusiasm for the knockout today. She hadn’t wanted to get on that boat and her feet had dragged up the sandy spit. Now, with Simon’s self-important statement thrust in her face, a sudden fierce desire to beat him swept through her. He wouldn’t win exemption if she had anything to do with it.
‘Today you’ll need to weave your way through a rope maze, untying knots as you go and collecting bags of puzzle pieces. When you get to the end of the rope with all your bags you just need to put together the words in your puzzle to make a well-known phrase. The first to complete the puzzle correctly wins exemption.’ Cilla listened to JJ’s speech, a thrill of excitement buzzing through her. Of course, Hayden had mentioned it on the beach this morning, but she’d been too interested in Tam’s feet. This knockout was all about knots.
And she knew a lot about knots.
On JJ’s command everyone raced to their allotted tower and started working their way through the maze of ropes. There was a definite order to be followed, a start and a finish to the tangle of ropes and knots, and that was the hardest part to sort out. Once she worked out the direction she needed to go the rest came as second nature.
The first couple of knots were easy, a bowline and then a double bowline. She undid those quickly and moved on. So did everyone else; they were simple knots after all. She stopped checking on everyone else’s progress after that and became lost in her own little world as a strange kind of calm descended; a gauze netting of cool logic that separated her from the rest of reality.
The next one was an ashley stopper knot, used to stop the end of a rope from slipping through a ring. It was a lot harder to undo than it looked. Unless you knew the trick. She released it with a flick of her thumb and forefinger.
There were other knots she recognised as she made her way through the course. An alpine butterfly loop. And the hardest of all, a chain splice with its myriad of intertwined loops. She disengaged them all with relative ease.
When Cilla reached the last knot and looked up she was streaks ahead of everyone else. JJ urged her to take her bags to the table and start working on her puzzle. The bubble of calm remained with her as she moved to the table, shielding her from the raucous grunts and yells of frustration from the other contestants.
The puzzle was tricky. Made up of around fifty wooden pieces, it took her a while to fathom out the theme. Suddenly it hit her. The phrase she was trying to spell out. Yes it had to be.
Between deception and survival lies redemption. The show’s motto.
She raised her hand to beckon JJ over to check her puzzle.
He read the words on the puzzle out loud. ‘You’re one step closer to the million,’ JJ pronounced, each word clear and concise, so the other contestants could hear. ‘Cilla wins exemption.’ Those were the sweetest words she’d ever thought to hear.
At last she lifted her head and looked around. Only Hayden had managed to make it to the table with his puzzle pieces, the other three were still struggling with the knots. Not only had she beaten them, but she’d done it with comprehensive skill.
Her gaze skimmed over the others. Simon hit one of the wooden struts with his hand and muttered something inaudible as he made his ungainly way out of the maze. He was infuriated, probably madder at his own lack of progress than because she’d won, however. Hayden’s forehead was creased with a deep frown, but when he caught Cilla’s gaze she saw him sweep the sentiment away, replacing his frown with a wink in her direction. He’d be annoyed at himself too, but much more gallant and self-effacing in defeat than Simon. Rosa was still trying to disentangle herself from the cobweb, so Cilla couldn’t see her face. From the tense set of her jawline and her rigid backbone, she foretold the pixie-faced woman would be wearing a scowl as well.
Tam stood in the middle of his maze rope tower, unmoving, legs set wide apart, broad shoulders squared and tall. Staring at her. His normally kind mouth was set into a thin line, tawny eyes wide and focussed. On her. And only her. Not a single emotion was evident on his face. What was he thinking? Why was he staring at her? Then he gave an almost imperceptible nod in her direction, as if he were tipping his hat in recognition of a job well done. One corner of his mouth lifted for just a second in a half smile. Her heart fluttered like a trapped bird in her chest. It was the first hint of any other emotion besides abhorrence he’d showed towards her since he’d returned. Was it a sign – albeit a very small one – he was softening towards her? Even if it was just her imagination running wild, she was going to take it anyway.
‘What a great victory, Cilla,’ said JJ. ‘Come over here and claim your figurine.’ A grin appeared of its own volition on her face, and for once she didn’t seek to quash it. This was her first win. She deserved it.
The parrot was heavy as JJ handed it to her. She let her fingers come up to feel the smoothness of the feathers. Turning the stuffed bird, she took in its bright staring eyes and sharp black beak. It was possibly the ugliest thing she’d ever seen, but it wasn’t what it looked like that meant so much; rather, it was what the sad looking rainbow bird represented. It infused Cilla with a daring sense of buoyancy. She was untouchable now.
As she made her way back towards the other four people standing on the mat, Hayden came out and gave her a pat on the back, smile broad and delighted.
‘Well done, Cilla. You deserved that one.’
‘Thanks, Hayden.’ She’d have to gain control over this silly grin that refused to leave her face, or they’d all start to think her quite mad.
Rosa touched her arm as they went to gather their belongings and get back on the boat. ‘Congratulations. Those knots were so hard, I don’t know how you did it so quick,’ she said in her discreet manner. Simon added his praise in a voice gruff with self-recrimination. Only one person didn’t raise his voice in compliment. But she knew. She’d seen it in his face for that one split second. He was proud of her too. Her stomach tightened at the thought.
The boat trip back to their beach was a blur of blue to Cilla. This bird changed everything. It put her in a position of power. How would she use that power?
‘See you all at the conclave tonight.’ JJ’s words seemed to have an ominous quality as he spoke to them from the stern of the boat while it was pushed back into the surf by one of the deckhands. ‘Use your time this afternoon well. It’ll be an interesting night.’
As she watched his boat get smaller and smaller on the spreading blue ocean, his words echoed around her head, and Cilla knew she had to get away. So she could think.
Simon pounced on her before she’d made it half-way back to the camp.
‘Cilla, I need to talk to you.’ It’d started already. The mad scramble of everyone trying to re-align their votes; find the weakest link. Some people would go further than others to secure themselves a spot in the top four. It was odd to hear the note of uncertainty, of pleading in his voice. Odd, and just a little bit satisfying. Simon wasn’t used to being the one who had to ingratiate himself. Powerless.
‘Yep. Just give me a minute, Simon.’ Cilla made a beeline for the perch that’d been set up over the roof of the shelter, where everyone sat the exemption figurine for all to see after they won. There it’d remain, as a reminder, until Cilla reclaimed it again for the walk to the conclave. There was only one person she rea
lly wanted to talk to. And he wouldn’t seek her out, of that much she could be certain. She’d have to go find him, and she wasn’t ready yet to start that conversation. First she needed some time to herself, to get everything straight in her head.
Simon hovered around the campfire, pretending to reignite it, but keeping an eagle eye on her. She let out a heavy sigh. How was she going to avoid him? She knew exactly what he was going to say anyway. Tam had to be voted off, for good this time. How dare he think he could come back from Deception Cove and usurp the rest of them! They’d worked hard to get where they were, and they didn’t need someone who’d already been voted off once to come back and put it all in jeopardy. Yep, it’d be Tam that Simon was gunning for tonight, of that she was certain. And he probably thought because she’d voted him off the first time, she’d be just as responsive the second time round.
Hayden came up to stow his bag underneath the shelter. He draped an affectionate arm around her shoulder.
‘You’re going to be the centre of attention today girl, you know.’
‘Yes, I know,’ she replied heavily. She didn’t resent his light touch, it wasn’t meant to be invasive or even persuasive. It was just Hayden’s way. He was a charmer that’s for sure. But he also had a truly sincere heart. She was acutely aware of Tam’s gaze, falling hot and thick on her back. What did he think of her sudden closeness with Hayden?
‘I’d like to know what you’re thinking too.’ He cast a sideways glance at the impatient Simon. ‘But don’t worry, I won’t push you. If you don’t want to talk that’s okay with me.’
‘Thanks, Hayden. Soon. I’ll come and talk to you soon. I just need a little time to myself first.’
‘Understood.’
He let her go and she headed towards the little track out the back of the camp, miming to Simon that she needed to use the lavatory and she’d be back soon. Once in the cover of the jungle though, she veered off on a tiny animal track leading deeper into the island. Eventually Cilla came out onto the edge of a riverbed. For the most part it was dry and sandy, pale rounded rocks strewn around in a haphazard manner. A thin river of water meandered its way through the middle, sometimes stopping to fill a small pool, at other times diving around rock piles or swishing through a bend.
