Island Redemption

by Suzanne Cass

  ‘Actually, JJ, I’m going to give up my parrot.’ There was complete silence. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d commanded such attention. Everyone on the panel leant forward, watching her, some with their hands over their mouths to stop the intake of breath. ‘I want to give it to Tam.’

  Rosa gave an audible gasp at exactly the same time as Simon stood up and yelled, ‘You can’t!’

  ‘What? Really?’ JJ asked. Cilla could see him trying to pull his face back into a semblance of poise, but the way his dimple was twitching told of the effort it took.

  ‘You can’t do that, Cilla,’ Simon repeated.

  ‘Yes I can, and I will,’ she said, glaring at Simon. He had no authority over her. Simon’s frown turned into a grimace and he made as if to take a step towards her.

  Tam was on his feet in a second, coming between her and Simon.

  ‘Leave her alone,’ Tam snarled, and Cilla wondered at the surge of intensity in his gaze. Fists clenched so firmly she could see his knuckles turning white, shoulders tight and controlled, ready for anything. She was left in no doubt he’d do whatever it took to protect her. So this was what Tam was capable of when roused. It was impressive, and at any other time Cilla would’ve been grateful. Both men glared at each other like two rabid dogs wanting to tear each other apart, hackles raised and teeth bared.

  ‘Sit down all of you,’ JJ roared. The shock of his raised voice drew Cilla’s gaze away from the two threatening men. JJ never raised his voice. Ever. He was the ultimate professional. Looking at JJ now, his stance and the way he was tipped forward on his toes, she realised he was ready to stride in and break Simon and Tam apart if he had to. JJ was definitely big enough – nearly as tall as Tam – and muscular enough to take on either of the two men behind her. She sat, but Tam and Simon still stood, glowering at each other from opposite ends of the log.

  ‘This conclave won’t continue until you both sit down.’

  ‘Fine,’ Simon spat, but did start to lower himself back onto the bench. Once Tam was sure he was down he also lowered his backside onto the seat. They continued to stare at each other, adding to the air of tension already swirling around the platform. Whispers could be heard flitting back and forth, people shocked and amazed at the turn of events.

  ‘And there will be no more noise from the panel either, unless you want to be exiled from this conclave.’ JJ glared at the panel, dark brows drawn into a fearsome frown.

  ‘Now, Cilla. Did you say you wanted to give up your exemption?’

  ‘Yes, JJ.’

  ‘And you want to give it to Tam.’

  ‘Yes—’

  ‘Well I don’t want it,’ Tam’s voice cut through hers. ‘I won’t accept it.’ He shifted his hot gaze away from Simon, penetrating her with fierce purpose. She hadn’t really expected him to make this easy for her and her heart leapt at his courage; he was showing her the truth of his convictions. He wouldn’t take her exemption away from her. He cared about her too much. He was a good man, compassionate and resilient and brave. She knew that now, had always known it, but hadn’t wanted to accept it before. He was everything Simon wasn’t. Simon would’ve taken the talisman at her very first offer.

  Cilla kept her tone measured. ‘Well, I don’t want it either. So if you don’t take it I’ll give it to Simon instead.’ This time there were loud gasps from everyone at tribal.

  ‘You can’t be serious?’ Tam stood up again.

  ‘I’m deadly serious, Tam. I don’t want this exemption, and if you don’t take it I’ll give it to someone else.’ He’d asked her to prove herself to him down at the beach, so she was doing just that.

  ‘But why?’ There was such yearning in his face, a weary hopelessness, and she wanted to go up and touch his cheek, stroke away the deep lines and tell him everything would be okay.

  ‘Yes, why, Cilla?’ JJ repeated.

  ‘Because it’s the right thing to do.’ And that was the truth. Well the partial truth. The rest she couldn’t reveal, not to everyone here and not on prime-time television. She couldn’t say it was because she was falling in love with Tam. Because the million dollars was worth less to her than keeping her morality intact. She didn’t want to end up like her father and if she kept this exemption that’s exactly what’d happen.

  A slow smile spread over Simon’s face. ‘I’ll have it, Cilla. Give it to me if that dropkick won’t take it.’

  ‘What’s it to be, Tam?’ JJ asked, ignoring Simon, his face once again serious and in control.

  ‘You can’t make me do this, Cilla. You can’t make me choose.’ Tam came over and knelt down next to her, capturing her hands in his. Cilla couldn’t stop the spike of heat that ran through her at his touch, warming her from the inside out. He held her gaze and it was as if they were fused together by their line of sight, as if a gossamer web of warmth and light and awareness passed between the two of them. Everything else was forgotten. Only the two of them existed in this place. ‘Please don’t.’ It was almost a murmur.

  ‘The choice isn’t yours to make. It’s mine,’ she said softly. ‘I need to do this, Tam. It’s the only thing that’ll make it right again.’ She tried not to sound like she was pleading with him. ‘This game has been in control of me long enough. Now it’s time I took back that control.’ He had to do this for her. She needed him to take the bloody parrot, couldn’t he understand that? She watched him, waiting for his reply. She saw it in his eyes even before he spoke the words.

  ‘I’ll take it then.’

  Yes! Joy coursed through her. With a thick grunt he stood up, pulling her up with him.

  ‘Bring it over here, Cilla,’ said JJ.

  Amid an air of solemn ceremony JJ transferred the bird talisman and placed it in Tam’s hands. The weight seemed to drag him down, his shoulders sagged beneath the burden and on instinct she grasped his hand. Holding on tight she gave him one of her best smiles.

  ‘Thanks, Tam.’ He squeezed her hand in answer, but the scowl didn’t leave his face.

  ‘If you two will return to your places then I think we can get on with this conclave.’ JJ waited as they both took their seats. Cilla endured the stares of the other three while she got comfortable. Simon was shooting her daggers, he’d never forgive her for this. Rosa was also stern and unforgiving. Of course she’d never think to break her alliance with Simon, so she couldn’t understand why Cilla chose to. Hayden regarded her with equanimity, a slight quirk to his mouth telling her that while he didn’t understand what she’d done, he was okay with it. She didn’t care, she’d made her decision and she was bound to stand by any of the repercussions that came her way.

  ‘Tam has the exemption figurine, so you cannot vote for him. Okay, Hayden, your turn to vote, off you go.’ JJ jumped straight into the ballot, not giving the others any time to try and realign their votes.

  She’d told no one of her plan to give up the talisman tonight and therefore she had no way of knowing how the vote was going to pan out now. A small flicker of hope lived in her mind that maybe Hayden and Rosa might be so impressed by her self-sacrifice, they’d vote against Simon.

  It was a slim hope and one that died a quick death as JJ started to read out the votes.

  ‘The fourteenth person voted off the island and the sixth person to join the panel is … Cilla,’ JJ said as he turned the last voting parchment around for them all to see. ‘Bring me your firebrand, Cilla.’ The familiar words rolled off Cilla’s back as she retrieved her firebrand.

  ‘Cilla, wait.’ Tam leapt up and pulled her into his embrace. ‘I still can’t believe you did that for me.’ She let him hold her for a moment, enjoying the safety, the honesty and the relevance of his arms wrapped around her. She kept the knowledge this might be the last time he ever held her in his arms stuffed way down in the pit of her stomach. There’d be plenty of time to cry later, but not now.

  ‘Do good, Tam. I expect you to win.’ They both knew he’d have a huge battle ahead of him. But her exemption had given him t
he change in fortune he needed tonight. And tomorrow was another day. Anything could happen in twenty-four hours. ‘I’ll see you from the other side tomorrow night,’ she said. ‘Right now I can hear a very long, very hot shower calling me.’ He laughed and it was good to hear the release of tension in his voice. A smile she didn’t feel arranged itself on her face. She had to let him go now, that dam of emotion inside her waiting to burst was rising higher and higher the longer she held him. Placing a hand on his chest, she pushed them apart. She could feel his heartbeat through the fabric of his t-shirt beneath her fingers, strong and sure.

  ‘The team has spoken,’ JJ intoned as he snuffed out her firebrand.

  ‘Good luck guys,’ she called over her shoulder as she walked through the hangman’s noose towards the exit. The steep steps down from the platform blurred beneath her feet and by the time she got to the bottom she could no longer see for the tears flooding down her cheeks.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  It was so strange to be sleeping in a real bed again. Crisp white sheets rasped lightly against her bare skin and a feather-down pillow cushioned her head. But no matter how hard she tried, Cilla couldn’t get comfortable. It just didn’t feel right. A fan whirled above her head, cooling her body, but not her mind. She couldn’t stop replaying those last few minutes of the conclave over in her head. Tears threatened again even as she thought about Tam’s words, his touch. So she jumped up, grabbing some clothes and pulling them on. A walk under the stars would cure her.

  Opening the door she let the heat and humidity rush in. This was more like it. Out in the elements and not caged in some tiny room, it was somehow easier to breathe. Bare feet making no sound on the paved walkways, she headed towards the sound of crashing waves coming from beyond the pool. The straight lines of pathways and hedges and manicured lawns of the resort gave way to the softer shapes of sand and water and dark sky as she made her way onto the beach.

  Lying down on the cool sand, with her hands supporting her head, she stared up at the stars. So bright and sparkling and infinitesimal, as if an artist had swept their paintbrush loaded with fairy dust across the sky in a heavenly arc. Her mind floated upwards, to mingle with the millions of shimmering pinpricks of light.

  What would Tam be thinking right at this moment? It was past midnight, so he should be tucked up in the shelter fast asleep. She should be asleep too, God only knew she was tired enough. It’d been a rough night after all.

  The boat trip back to the mainland had only taken twenty minutes, but much of it was still a blur. As soon as they’d boarded, Alisha slipped her arms around Cilla and hugged her like a mother would hug a child. It’d set Cilla to crying so hard she never thought she’d stop. Marg came and added her arms in support, and the three of them stood in the bow of the boat for many minutes, Alisha crooning, ‘Poor baby. It’s okay,’ over and over.

  When the flood of tears finally ebbed to a trickle and Cilla looked up, she felt washed-out, exhausted, but also clean somehow. Jason, Susan and Cho joined them in the bow and they’d all talked about what it was going to be like for her on the mainland, easing her back into reality.

  They talked for hours over dinner, remaining at the table long after the waiters cleared the remnants away. Gorged on food, relaxed in a comfortable chair and sipping gin and tonics, Cilla found some added perspective on the night’s activities, allowing her to finally expose her heart and talk to the others freely. She told them the complete truth as to why she’d needed the prize money. It felt good to open herself up to the burdens of the secrets she’d carried on the island. Secrets she’d carried all the way through the better part of her adult life.

  The others could hardly believe her story when she first told them how her father had mortgaged her grandmother’s house, and her boat, to support his gambling debts. Saying it out loud, Cilla still hardly believed it herself. The notion belonged in some second rate movie, not in the reality of her life. Jason proposed he’d go around and sort out her father. And Marg seconded him, much to Cilla’s undisclosed delight. She politely declined their offer. It’d be fruitless anyway, nothing and nobody would ever change her father now. He was a cold-hearted bastard and that was that.

  There were two things she didn’t divulge to the other four around the table that night, though. The first was just how much she hated her father for what he’d done. She didn’t want to admit, even to herself, how great his hold had been.

  The second was the fact she’d fallen in love with Tam. She’d only just figured it out today. It was an irrational love. One she wasn’t sure would ever be returned. Even if he did go on to win this game, she knew he owed her nothing, and she expected nothing. Telling anyone else might tarnish the memory of him.

  She’d see Tam tomorrow night, at the penultimate conclave, and then she’d go back to her normal life. It was over now. She’d have to confront her grandmother, admit she hadn’t won the million dollars. Would her grandmother understand why she’d given up her exemption?

  Had she made the wrong decision? Maybe people looking into her life from the outside, when they finally viewed her on the television series, might think her stupid and reckless and irresponsible. It’d been the right thing for her to do, however. There were no more recriminations, no nagging doubts eating away at the fabric of her soul. She hadn’t become her father and that was the most important lesson she could learn from the island.

  The soothing sound of the waves settled over her and her eyelids started to droop. Standing up she knew it was time to head back to her room, where sleep might finally claim her. She’d face all her other problems tomorrow. For tonight she felt at peace, free and vindicated, and that was enough for now.

  ~

  One more night. He’d been given one more night’s reprieve. It was unexpected and a huge shock. Tam lay awake, staring at the shapes the pandanus leaves formed against the stars in the night sky. Would Cilla be asleep now? Probably snoring her head off in the comfort of a king-size bed back at the resort. He wished he could be doing the same. There’d be another exemption knockout tomorrow and he needed all the sleep he could get so he was alert and ready for whatever they might throw at him.

  Simon snored like a steam train from the other side of the shelter, the noise in no way conducive for sleep. The man hadn’t been happy at the way things turned out at conclave tonight, and had expressed his anger once they got back to camp. He’d bellowed and flexed those enormous biceps of his, throwing pieces of driftwood into the jungle and kicking the sand up in great sprays. But once his anger had been vented he’d calmed down, becoming rational again. He was still rude and vain, but Tam could deal with that.

  Tam knew the island was in part to blame for Simon’s outburst. The island changed a person, skewed their values and beliefs, turned everything you thought to be correct on its head. Even without the constant mind games going on in the background, making everybody paranoid, most people would become cranky and prickly after only one day without food. They’d been out here for thirty-five days now. It was hard to maintain equilibrium when you were starving all the time. No, Tam didn’t really blame Simon for his outburst. There’d been a few times lately where he’d wanted to do the exact same thing.

  Why had Cilla done it? Why had she sacrificed herself for him?

  Her actions had been so unexpected, so shocking. He’d been resigned to going home tonight, looking forward to it in a twisted sort of way. It’d be a relief to get off this island. Instead he got to stay and play another day.

  She deserved to stay as much as he did. They’d both broken promises to other people and to themselves to remain in the game. That was part of the island’s allure, part of the maladjusted temptation of it all. It was obvious she felt she had to atone for something she’d done on the island. But to whom? To him? Because she’d voted him off? Whatever her moral compass had found so repugnant made her give up her grasp on the million dollars. She’d wanted that money badly. They all did, but she more than most. Call it his
shrink’s intuition, but he knew she’d been holding back on all of the truth. You only had to look at the desperation behind the way she cried when she lost the first chicken-eating knockout, how she fished so hard for the team as a way to be accepted, how she took it so silently to heart when it became obvious Madison hated her. Yes, she needed the money to buy a better house and by the sounds of it a stable home would do her the world of good after living on a boat for the last few years. But the wound went deeper than that, he was sure of it. And it’d something to do with her father, that much she’d intimated before Simon interrupted them.

  If he was being completely truthful, he knew the money meant more to him than it might for others as well. Of course he was going to give most of it away to improve the lives of the kids he treated. His donation would allow for another psychologist to be brought on board, their clinic could expand and more kids reached; their lives changed. Saved.

  There was more to it than helping the underprivileged children of LA, though. A million dollars also afforded a person power. It’d keep him safe, lend him gravitas. He need never worry about falling back down to the bottom of the pit of humanity with that money in his pocket. Poverty wouldn’t cling to him anymore, the money would give him a shiny new coat, protect him.

  He just wished they’d been able to finish their conversation out on the point this evening and not been interrupted by Simon. Cilla was about to reveal her true feelings, he’d been sure of it. If they’d been able to work out their differences, then maybe this night wouldn’t have taken such a drastic turn.

  Of course he could have stood firm, refused to take the talisman. Let her hand it over to Simon. What would that have achieved, though? Now he’d never know.

  ~

  JJ welcomed them into the arena with a wave, just as the midday sun hit its zenith. ‘Come on in to your last ever exemption knockout guys.’ JJ stood there looking as fresh as a daisy with his starched black shirt and fedora hat pulled down to shade his eyes. ‘The winner of today’s knockout guarantees themselves a spot in the final three. What do you think of that, Rosa?’