"That's my good girl," I murmured. "That's my Jen."
"Ford," she blurted out in a quavering voice. Then her entire body began to shake violently as she burst into sudden tears.
Oh fuck.
Chapter 7
Jenny
The sob that tore out of me was completely unexpected. A moment ago, I was drifting in a blissful post-orgasmic haze like I'd never experienced before. Now, the world crashed down on me as overwhelming emotion just bulldozed through me, leaving me raw and bleeding inside. Nothing like this had ever happened to me after sex.
Memories that I thought were buried down deep to protect my heart, flared to life inside me. Memories of the first boy I loved, and how he lied to me and used me to take my virginity. Then he discarded me like used goods. An emotional and physical violation that I never told anyone and tried to forget for eight long years. The reason I wouldn't let myself get attached to any man, and only had meaningless sex with them on my terms. The wall I put up against those painful memories had suddenly crumbled around me, and I was left reeling and stunned. More sobs ripped through me, and they wouldn't stop.
"Ford," I whimpered again, terrified and out of control. I felt helpless and lost, and his arms were the only thing keeping me from completely falling apart.
"Jen," he murmured comfortingly as he held me. "It's okay, honey. Just let it out."
Just let it out, he said. Like doing that was easy for me, like it didn't feel like a jagged knife piercing my chest and shattering my damaged heart to pieces all over again.
"He...he lied...he...he used me," I stammered pathetically without realizing I was speaking out loud.
"Jenny," he whispered sympathetically as his arms tightened around me. I felt his lips pressing soft kisses to my forehead. His concern and sympathy burst the dam, and everything began pouring out of me in a rush.
"He...he told me he loved me, w...wanted to be with me forever." My voice was thick with emotion and my tears. I took a shuddering breath. "He lied to me for weeks and I...I believed him. I gave him my v...virginity, then he c...called me a...a slut and dumped me, and he was right. I am a slut. I'm d...damaged goods." My sobs strengthened, feeling like they were tearing me apart now.
"Jen," he said in a gentle yet firm voice. "You didn't give him your virginity. He took it from you. You were coerced into it." His voice practically hummed with suppressed rage now. "He basically raped you."
Logically, I knew he was right, but emotionally I was scarred and broken more than I could even admit to myself. That part of me didn't believe him at all, but I didn't tell him that. I just kept crying, letting him hold me and comfort me, even though a dark twisted part of me didn't really think I deserved it, didn't deserve him.
"You are not a slut, Jen," he said vehemently. "You are not damaged goods."
His sincere belief in those words made no sense to me. I couldn't understand why he was here with me out of all the other women who were far prettier, put together, and more stable than me.
"Why?" I blurted out with a sob.
"Why what, honey?"
"Why do you even want me?" I asked in quavering voice.
He gripped my face in his hands and leaned back to meet my eyes. His gaze was sure and intense. "Why wouldn't I want you? You're beautiful, and fierce, and strong. He couldn't take that away from you. No one can. You're everything that asshole didn't deserve, and everything that I want." He began wiping tears off of my face with gentle fingers.
No man ever said anything like that to me. No one ever cared before. I couldn't even speak past the overwhelming feeling of fear-laced elation that burst to life inside me. It made me start sobbing all over again. Ford pulled me back into his strong arms, and I finally let it all go.
I cried longer and harder than I had in my entire life. I finally acknowledged my stolen innocence and the mess I'd made of my life ever since. It was cathartic and horrible and wonderful all at the same time. Ford held me the entire time, murmuring soothing words and pressing kisses to my face. And when the final sobs shuddered out of me, I fell fast asleep in Ford's comforting arms.
When I woke again, Ford was still holding me in the dark. I was confused and disoriented. My head felt fuzzy like I had a hangover, and my body ached all over. A melancholy lost feeling lingered inside me. What was wrong with me? It made me scared and freaked out. I needed to know what was going on.
"Ford?" He stirred a little but didn't respond. "Ford," I said more firmly.
"Jen?" he mumbled sleepily. "Are you okay?"
"No," I answered fighting the tears that wanted to fall again. "What happened to me? I'm scared. Am I going crazy?"
"No, honey," he said reassuringly. "Remember when I told you about how rope bondage can make the body release endorphins and give you a high?"
"Yeah."
"It's called subspace and what goes up, has to come down, Jen," he explained. "When the endorphins wear off, you come down from the high, and it can trigger physical and sometimes even emotional symptoms. It can make you emotional and feel like you're hung over. Sometimes it can even tap into deep emotional scars. I'm so sorry, Jen."
Thank God, I wasn't losing my mind, but the private things that I shared with Ford still haunted me. I swore never to tell a soul. I was ashamed then and now of my own stupidity and gullibility. I worried that he'd think less of me now, and that would wreck me.
"I should have warned you, but I didn't think one light play session would trigger it with you. You fell into subspace faster and harder than I thought you would. What happened was my fault, and I'm sorry." His voice was soft and laced with remorse as he spoke. "Forgive me, Jen?"
"I forgive you." I gave him the reassurance he needed, trying to assuage the guilt I suddenly felt for acting like a blubbering baby from what he called a light play session. I felt like I failed him. I wasn't strong like he seemed to think I was, and I didn't want him to know the truth, so I kept those thoughts to myself.
I felt him let out a deep sigh of relief, and he hugged me close, nuzzling his face into my neck. He trailed a line of kisses across my skin, nibbling and licking me. A deep need blazed to life inside me, making me shiver. "Ford," I pleaded his name.
"Jen," he responded in voice that sounded just as needy as I felt. Wordlessly he reached over and took a condom out of the nightstand drawer. A moment later, Ford was above me with his cock sliding inside me. Our bodies began rocking together in a slow easy rhythm, the connection between us comforting me and drowning out all the negative thoughts that were swirling around in my head. I clutched on to him desperately, giving myself over to the pleasure that was building up inside me.
We came in unison, both of us gasping and moaning out our release. The heady buzz was a relief, but it didn't last long enough. Within moments, the guilt and the shame were there once more, taunting and torturing me. When Ford drifted off to sleep again, I was left feeling alone and bereft, even though he was still holding me. Sleep was a long time coming, and when it finally came for me, it was a welcome respite.
**********
I stormed out to the garage in search of my brother, the offending paperwork clutched in my hand. I spotted him chatting with Denny and laughing about something. I growled under my breath and stomped over to them.
"Andy!" I barked out as I approached them. Andy startled and turned toward me. Denny ran a hand nervously through his blond hair with wide eyes, his muscular body suddenly tense, and took off in the opposite direction.
"What's up, Jenny?" he asked in a friendly tone that belied the uneasiness in his eyes.
I shoved the paper at him. "What the hell is this?" I snapped irritably.
He took the paper and glanced down at it. He met my eyes again with a perplexed expression. "Um...last week's parts inventory?"
"Did you happen to notice the fucked-up numbers?" I asked him pointedly.
Andy furrowed his brows in annoyance. "What fucked-up numbers?" His voice was agitated now.
I huffed
in exasperation. "You're completely over the fucking budget."
Anger glittered in his eyes. "Did you not see how busy we were last week? I needed to replace a shit-load of parts because we fucking used them. So chill the fuck out and go bite someone else's head off," he snarled at me.
Ordinarily, I'd bark right back to my brother at this point. However, for some reason, his words hit me like an emotional blow, and I suddenly wanted to cry. I pressed my lips together to stifle the sob that threatened to burst out of me. Andy watched my reaction with widening eyes filled with sudden concern. I fled before I started bawling in the middle of the garage in front of everyone.
When I got back to my office, I hastily closed and locked the door, then slumped at my desk as tears began coursing down my cheeks. I buried my face in my hands and sobbed uncontrollably. Once again, I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. I hadn't been right since Ford and I were together last night. He told me it was a normal reaction to what happened when the endorphins wore off, and that it was called subdrop, but I wasn't so sure. Mostly, I was just haunted by the memories that last night had jarred loose in my head.
I felt lost and alone, emotional and unstable, and just plain angry. I wished I hadn't taken it out on my brother just now. I owed him an apology. I was fucking everything up today. When I woke up this morning in Ford's arms feeling clingy and unsure of myself, it scared the shit out of me, so I stuffed it all down and put on a brave face for Ford before leaving his place to go to work. I already let him down last night by having a complete emotional breakdown, and I didn't want to do it again. Thoughts of Ford gave me yet another deep pang of longing to be with him and to have him hold me. It made me feel weak and pathetic. I was a grown-ass woman, for fuck's sake. Why did I feel like this?
A gentle knock on my door startled me out of my dark thoughts. I ignored it, pretty sure it was Andy and hoping he would just go away. I could only be so lucky. He knocked again.
"Come on, Jenny," Andy said gently through the door. "Please let me in."
I hastily wiped my tears away as I rose to grudgingly let my brother in. I knew he wouldn't let this go. He was like a dog with a bone whenever I was upset.
Andy had a sheepish expression on his face as I swung the door open. His brows furrowed with concern when he saw my face. I stepped aside to let him in and closed the door again. He ran a hand through his hair nervously as he pursed his lips.
"I'm sorry, Jenny," he said apologetically. "I didn't mean to make you cry."
"I'm not crying," I lied as I wiped at my eyes again. His brows rose in disbelief as he watched me go back to my desk and sit down. "I'm sorry I acted like a bitch. I'm...I'm just having a bad day, and I shouldn't have taken it out on you." I started fiddling with the papers in front of me, avoiding his gaze now.
"Jenny," he said softly as he sat in one of the chairs in front of my desk. "What's going on with you today? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I snapped at him, wishing he'd just leave me alone.
"That's the lamest 'I'm fine" I've ever heard." He shook his head in exasperation. "Try again."
I glared at him. "I said that I was fine," I practically snarled at him. I pressed my lips together to keep from crying some more. His eyes suddenly focused sharply on me.
"What did that Ford asshole do to you?" he growled out. "I'll fucking kill him if he hurt you in any way. I don't care how big he is. I'll get Jensen to help me if I have to."
Now that was a threat I believed. Andy's best friend Jensen was almost as big as Ford and knew how to fight as well as my brother. Ford would be in some deep shit if both Andy and Jensen went after him.
"Ford didn't do anything to me," I grumbled at him. Well, he didn't do anything I didn't want him to do to me anyway. It was making me wonder about my own sanity since I liked being tied up more than I thought I should.
Andy looked dubious. "Then what's going on? You're not acting right today at all. Did you do something to him? Did you dump him?"
"No," I blurted out. "Can you just leave this alone?"
"Oh my God." Andy's eyes widened in realization. He leaned forward with a sly smile. "You care about him don't you?"
I suddenly looked anywhere but at Andy as I fidgeted uncomfortably in my chair.
He gasped. "Holy fuck! You're falling in love with him aren't you?"
"What?!" I asked incredulously. "No, of course not," I said vehemently, even though in the back of my mind, I knew I was in complete denial.
"Jenny." Andy's face softened. "It's okay to let somebody in. Aren't you tired of being alone? Isn't that why you went out with him in the first place?"
I stared down at my hands as I mindlessly moved the papers on my desk around again. That was exactly why I went out with Ford. However, last night stirred up all those horrible memories and reminded me of why I had never let anyone in since then. Now, I wasn't so sure I could do this, no matter what I was feeling for Ford. That lost melancholy feeling fell over me yet again. I felt like a lost cause.
"It's...it's just harder than I thought it'd be," I murmured quietly, still not meeting his eyes.
"I know how hard it is for you to trust people, Jenny," Andy said softly. My eyes shot up to meet his in surprise. He gave me a gentle smile. "I'm your brother. I know you better than just about anybody. I know you haven't let anyone in since that asshat, Carter, dumped you your senior year in high school."
I pursed my lips to hold back more tears. I hadn't heard that name in so long. I felt a hollow pain stab me in my heart from hearing the name of the guy who stole so much from me. If he only knew what Carter really did to me. All Andy knew was that it had been a messy breakup. He didn't know that Carter destroyed my innocence and made me swear never to trust a man again.
"If it makes you feel any better. This Ford seems like a decent guy to me," he continued.
"He is." That much I was sure of, no matter how unsure I felt about myself.
"Don't you owe it to yourself to give him a chance?" Andy asked with a serious expression.
"I want to, Andy," I answered him in a wavering voice. "But I don't know if I can."
He leaned forward and held my gaze. "I took a big risk letting Lydia in and look what it got me. She's the love of my life, my other half. Maybe Ford could be that for you. Maybe he's what you need to be happy again. You'll never now if you don't try."
This time I couldn't hold back the tears that fell. He made it sound so easy, but he didn't know how very broken I was or how messed up my head was right now. I looked down at my lap as a few tears dripped onto my hands, feeling more alone than I could ever remember before. The next thing I knew my brother was turning my chair and kneeling in front of me. He pulled me into a fierce hug.
"Promise me that you'll try," he said softly as I cried on his work shirt, the familiar smell of grease and motor oil on him comforting me.
"Okay," I whimpered out pathetically. He held me for a few more moments before leaning back and grinning broadly as he stood and looked down at me. "You're a real crybaby when you're upset, did you know that?"
I snorted out a laugh through my tears. "Fuck you, Andy." I told him in mock annoyance.
"I love you, Jenny." He leaned down and kissed the top of my head. "I'd better get back to work before Dad starts cracking the whip again." He smirked at himself. He was such a dork. I rolled my eyes at him as he headed for the door.
"Andy?" I called out before he walked out.
He paused and looked at me expectantly.
"I love you too." I smiled wanly at him, wanting him to know I appreciated him trying to help me. He nodded at me with a warm soft smile and disappeared down the hall. I was still confused and unsure about things between Ford and me, and the mess inside me head, but my brother at least made me feel a little less alone. And for that I was grateful.
**********
My phone started ringing as I slumped down on the edge of my bed to slip off my heels after work. I kicked them off hastily and hurried out of my
bedroom to get my phone from my purse on the kitchen table. A surge of giddy excitement hit me hard when I saw Ford's name on the screen. No matter how mixed up I was about Ford and me, and what was going on between us, I was still happy to hear from him.
"Hi," I greeted him affectionately. I was longing to hear his voice all day.
"Hi, honey," he rumbled out, his deep voice making things low in my pelvis throb with sudden desire. He called me honey more and more often, and I hated to admit it, but I liked it. It made me feel like I really could be his. "Are you doing okay? I know last night was rough on you."
"I'm fine," I told him, feeling really shitty about lying, but I didn't want to let him down again.
"Good," he said. "Aftercare is my responsibility and I take it very seriously."
"Aftercare?" I asked curiously.
"Honey, I wasn't just cuddling you after we played last night because I enjoy it," he said with amused affection. "It's a Dom's responsibility to take care of his sub and make sure they're okay after a scene, even the next day. It's called aftercare, and it's important."
My God, could this man be any sweeter? What would the world be like if more men took the time to do something like that after just regular sex? From my experience, even the most considerate men tended to lose interest in the women they slept with almost immediately. Of course, I was never out looking for a potential boyfriend until Ford. Boyfriend. I shuddered. The word freaked me out, even if, deep down, I longed to call Ford that.
"Thanks for checking on me, Ford," I said sincerely.
"I know how you can thank me properly." His voice took on a sexy timbre that had me shuddering for a very different reason now.
"Oh yeah?" I asked suggestively. "Like what?"
"Let me take you out tonight," he suggested. "If you don't mind going to a dive bar, the band of a friend of mine is playing tonight." There was a pause. "And..." He suddenly sounded unsure. "And maybe I could stay with you tonight? Um...no kinky rope stuff though. After how emotional last night was for you, I think we should wait for a little while before we do it again."
An Act of Restraint: Order & Chaos Book 1 Page 15
