Heartbreak Warfare

by Jessica Marin

  I try to recall the last time I had my period and I immediately suck in my breath, realizing that it was before my trip to Las Vegas. Stress causes me to have irregular periods, so not getting my period when I’m stressed out doesn’t usually alarm me. I grab my phone out of my purse to look at the calendar.

  “March 18.” I swallow and look at Layla, whose eyes widen.

  “And when were you last sexually active?”

  “The last week of March.” I look at my calendar again to confirm the dates I was in Las Vegas.

  “Okay, so if you are pregnant, that would put you around 7 weeks. The ultrasound will confirm everything.”

  While the nurse preps me for the ultrasound, my eyes are glued to the screen, hoping this is all a mistake. The screen starts to show what looks like water. As the doctor proceeds to move the wand around, a black hole suddenly appears with something small in the middle.

  “There we are!” He looks at me with excitement of proving that he was right.

  “It looks like a hole. Are you sure that isn’t an organ?” With not understanding how this can be a baby, I’m not convinced that he knows how to work the machinery.

  He takes a pen and points to the screen, “This is the gestational sac that is filled with amniotic fluid and that little gray thing is the baby. Let’s listen to see if we can hear a heartbeat.” He reaches over to turn a dial and a loud thumping fills the air.

  “Wh..what is that?” I stutter, not wanting to believe what I am seeing or hearing.

  “That is the baby’s heartbeat and it is beating at 105 beats per minute, which is very good.” He proceeds to write everything from the screen down on my chart and turns off the machine. I stare at the black screen, the words ‘PREGNANT’ in red warning letters flashing through my mind.

  “I don’t understand. Why would my doctor tell me I can’t get pregnant?”

  “Are you sure he said the word ‘can’t’? With the miracles we have seen of women beating the odds and getting pregnant, I would be surprised if those were the exact words.”

  I think back to that painful day years ago. “You’re right, those weren’t his exact words. His exact words were that it would be ‘hard’ to get pregnant.”

  “Well, as you can now see, doctors are human and are sometimes wrong.” He smiles and extends his hand. “Congratulations! I hope this is happy news for you. You need to go buy prenatal vitamins and start taking those today. Continue to rest and drink plenty of fluids to stay hydrated. On Monday, call your obstetrician so you can get an appointment right away to be seen and schedule your future appointments. If you’re still throwing up and become dehydrated again, come back and see us.”

  “Thank you.” I weakly whisper and watch as he leaves to complete my discharge papers. Panic starts to set in and I immediately start to feel claustrophobic.

  “Jenna?” I turn to look at Layla with questioning eyes and slowly start to shake my head.

  “No….No…this can’t be happening!” I say in denial, not understanding why I am pregnant now and not when I was married.

  “It’s okay, Jenna…it’s okay.” Layla hugs me and I hold on tight, tears starting to stream down my face as my whole world feels like it is caving in on me. The nurse walks in and I wipe my cheeks, ashamed for her to see my tears of sadness.

  She goes over my discharge papers with me and repeats the instructions that the doctor just told me. I sign the papers and we are free to leave.

  The car ride home is silent as I watch the outside world in a trance. Layla must have sent Robert a text because he is there to greet us when we pull up to my building, his expression somber. They help me out of the car and walk slowly with me to the elevators, the lift up to my floor painfully quiet. As we enter my apartment, I look around as if I am seeing it for the first time, noticing all the things it lacks that didn’t matter before. Can a baby even live here? There are children in the buildings, so clearly I am overreacting.

  “Why don’t we have a girls’ day? We can watch movies, eat junk food and have a slumber party!” Robert claps his hand, his voice overly enthusiastic.

  “I’m not hungry.” The mere thought of food makes me to want to vomit. “I think I want to be alone, guys.”

  “I like the movie idea!” Layla hastily replies.

  “Great, let’s pick a movie.” Robert briskly walks over to the TV and turns on Netflix. He starts to flip the movies and laughs. “Oh my gosh, wouldn’t it be funny if we watched ‘Knocked Up’?”

  With the look of horror registering on our faces, he immediately stops laughing. “Too soon to make a joke about it?” Robert usually is on point with inserting his comedic comments to lighten the mood. This time he failed.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Layla angrily stalks towards him. “Give me that remote!”

  “I’m sorry! I was just trying to lighten the mood. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  “I’m going to go throw up now. I’ll be back. Pick a suspenseful movie.” I retreat to the sanctuary of my bedroom and shut the door as Layla continues to ream Robert on his insensitivity. I go to my bathroom and splash cool water on my face, hoping I’ll wake up from this dream. I dry my face and decide to lay down on the bed. I turn to my side and hug my pillow as tight as I can when my vision starts to blur with the tears that need to be released as my new reality sinks in.

  I am going to have a baby…. a baby I never thought I would have.

  I am going to be in charge of another human being’s life.

  I am going to be a single mom.

  I lose the concept of time as I cry my sorrows into my pillow. I feel the bed shift and strong arms wrap around me as Layla lays down in front of me and holds me. I feel hands rubbing my hair away from my face and realize Robert has gotten behind me. Having both friends here to comfort me makes me not feel so alone and my tears start to subside. I try to gain control of my breathing and eventually the three of us lay in silence, holding onto each other.

  “What am I going to do, guys?” I break the silence by communicating my thoughts out loud.

  “We’re going to have a baby! You’re not alone, Jenna. We’ll be here with you every step of the way.” I feel Robert nodding at Layla’s words.

  “I love you both so much, and while I thank you for that, I don’t think you understand the undertaking of a baby.”

  “Doesn’t matter – we’re doing it together,” she says firmly. I let her words sink in, knowing that I won’t hold them to their promise as they need to live their own lives and not worry about helping me.

  “What about Cal? Are you going to tell him?” Robert softly asks. So engulfed in my own emotions, that I haven’t given any thought of him. Considering we haven’t talked in weeks, would he even want to be part of the baby’s life?

  “I’ll contact him after I make it out of the first trimester. No reason to tell him now, in case something happens.” They don’t say anything to this, and I use their silence as affirmation that I’m doing the right thing by not telling him yet.

  “Let’s keep this between us for now, okay?” I plead to them, needing to think and be in denial for just a little bit longer.

  “Okay,” they say in unison. We hug each other tighter, and I can only pray that this baby will strengthen our bond and not divide it.

  “Never did I ever think I would be laying in bed with two straight women. This is a gay man’s worst nightmare of a threesome!” Robert breaks the silence and uncontrollable laughter permeates the air, all three of us laughing at the image of what we must look like.

  “Come on guys, let’s go watch a movie!” Layla says as our laughter dies down. I let Layla and Robert take me in the other room to distract me for a couple of hours.

  19

  My reaction to my pregnancy might mirror what one’s reaction would be to the news that they have a terminal disease - horror and denial. I refuse to believe that I’m pregnant and I demand that Layla and Robert not even talk about it to me, let alone
anyone else. I go about my days pretending that all is right in my world, but then become horrified when I can’t fit into any of my pants. I can already tell that my wardrobe will consist of dresses until winter. The nausea has started to subside, but the constant fatigue forces me to take daytime naps, which are completely inconvenient for my professional life.

  Is my reaction to all of this messed up? Absolutely!

  Should I be grateful that I can even get pregnant when I thought I couldn’t? Yes!

  Do I feel guilty every time I feel ashamed of being pregnant? You bet!

  As I walk home from my 12-week doctor’s appointment, the souvenir ultrasound photo of what looks like a little alien safely hidden in my purse, I realize that I need to start facing my future. I need to start making a plan for myself…and for my unborn child. It’s still hard for me to be excited about the fact that I will be a single mother, but I need to accept my fate. I also need to decide when I’m going to tell my parents. Oh yeah, and the father of my child. I groan out loud and decide to do what I do best right now - ignore the situation.

  It’s too gorgeous of a summer day to go back inside, so I make a beeline for the beach to get some vitamin D and people watch. I sit down on the stairs, take my shoes off and inhale the fresh air off the lake. I close my eyes and smile, basking in the warmth of the sun’s rays. Ahh, this is exactly what I needed right now. I almost start to nod off when I hear a baby squeal with laughter. I open my eyes to see the cutest little boy running in the sand, his parents chasing after him. He’s wobbly on his adorable chunky legs, and his smile reveals two top and two bottom teeth. His father catches up to him, scoops him up and throws him high in the air, making the boy laugh even harder. Both parents look adoringly at him, kissing him every chance they get. They are the perfect image of what a family should look like.

  Will I look at my child like that? Will Cal be happy to hear he is going to be a father? While I can’t answer the first question yet, I can get the answer to the second question. It’s time to rip off the band-aid and call him. I look at my watch to see that it’s early afternoon. If he’s in Los Angeles, then it’s lunchtime. If he’s in back in London, then it’s nighttime. Either way, this would be the perfect time to make the call. With a sigh, I put my shoes back on and take one more look at that perfect family I was watching before. The little boy is now sitting on top of his father’s shoulders while the mother strolls next to them along the shore. I need to give Cal that option of wanting to be in his child’s life. I get up and walk back to my apartment.

  When I arrive, Robert is packing up his bag to leave. “There you are! I was starting to get worried about you. Everything okay?”

  “Yes. I spent a couple of extra minutes thinking at the beach.”

  “What did the doctor say?”

  “He said I was pregnant,” I say sarcastically, but with a smile. Robert just rolls his eyes at me as he shuts down his laptop. “He said that everything looks good so far, and I have to see him every month for the next four months for an ultrasound and to check my cervix due to my abnormal uterus. After that, I won’t need any ultrasounds until the last month to make sure the baby is in Operation: Get Out of Uterus position. Oh, and I got my first photo of the baby.” I take the photo out of my purse and hand it to Robert. “It’s apparently the size of a plum.”

  He looks at the photo, looks at my belly and then places the photo against my belly and shakes his head. “That is just freaky. Crazy how you can see it is starting to look like an actual human and not a tadpole. What are you doing to do with this photo?”

  “I don’t know. Put it away? Why are you asking? Do you need to keep it to remind yourself not to knock anybody up?” I joke, not really understanding his question.

  “I think you should put it on your refrigerator.”

  I look at him strangely. “Why would I want to do that?”

  “So you’ll finally get it through that head of yours that this shit is real! Jenna, we need to start planning the future!” He throws his hands up in the air with exasperation.

  “I know this is real, Robert. I just needed some time. In fact, I was going to call Cal right now.”

  “Really?” His expression filled with shock. “Good! It’s like if you have an STD, your partner has the right to know. He really needs to know about the baby, Jenna.”

  I blink my eyes at him and stare as my brain tries to digest what he just said. “Did you just compare a baby to an STD?” I shake my head and rub my forehead, concern taking over my confusion. “Is there something you aren’t telling me, Robert? Did someone give you an STD?”

  “Nope, I’m clean as a whistle! Just horrible at analogies!” A blush colors his cheeks from embarrassment. “On that note, wish I could stay for this but I have to run by the storage unit to pick up the decorations for next week’s news segment… and I have a hot date tonight.” He smiles slyly.

  “You do? With whom?” A pang of jealously jolts me, wishing that I had places to go and people to meet.

  “Oh, some guy I met at the gym.” He waves his hand downward as if this wasn’t a big deal.

  “The gym? Since when do you go to the gym?” I look at him closely and notice that his face does look thinner, his clothes fitting him looser.

  “Since the day you came back from the hospital saying you were pregnant. I need to get healthy so I can be around a long time for our baby,” he says with sincerity as I start to tear up from his words. I walk toward him and hug him tightly.

  “Thank you, friend. I love you so!” I kiss his cheek before pulling away.

  “I love you too. We told you that you’re not going to be alone and Layla and I mean it. Now go call Cal, then call me after to tell me what happens. Good luck!” He squeezes my arms and leaves the apartment.

  I take a deep breath, square my shoulders and march into my room. I sit down on my bed next to my nightstand and pull out his card from the drawer. I wondered why I felt the need to keep his card after we stopped talking, and now I’m grateful that I did. I close my eyes and pray that this will all go well.

  I dial his number and once again feel disappointment when Valerie’s voice comes through the other end. “Hi Valerie, it’s Jenna Pruitt.” I say with a business-like tone.

  “Hi…Jenna, how are you?” Her voice is mixed with reluctance and surprise.

  “Is Cal around? I really need to speak with him.”

  “No, he’s not available right now and Jenna, I really hate to tell you this, but Cal has started dating someone serious. I thought from our last phone conversation that you were moving on as well?” Her voice gets slightly condescending, which only adds fuel to my anger.

  “That’s fine. He can date whomever he wants, as I don’t care. Something has happened that I really need to speak to him about.”

  “Jenna, with all due respect, why would he call you back when he has a new girlfriend? I just don’t…”

  “Valerie, I am fucking PREGNANT, so that is WHY I need to talk with him NOW!” I snap into the phone, my temper gone from her excuses.

  “Wh-WHAT?!” She stammers loudly, shock registering in her voice.

  “I’m twelve weeks pregnant and I’m just calling to let him know about it,” I say calmly, reminding myself that she is not to blame for his actions and I shouldn’t be taking my anger out on her.

  “No offense, but how do we know that it’s his? Hollywood actors are always having women falsely claiming that they are pregnant with their child.”

  I laugh bitterly at her and choose to ignore the fact that she is implying I might be lying. “I am one hundred-percent positive it is his, as I have not had sex with anyone else since then.”

  “We can’t prove that until a paternity test is done, which we will demand to do once the child is born. Did you not use protection? Were you not on birth control?” she asks, her voice laced with disgust.

  “Not that any of this is even your business, Valerie, but we did use protection. Condoms can tear without yo
ur knowledge. And I had no reason to be on birth control at that time,” I say bitterly, wishing even more that this was being discussed with Cal and not his assistant. I take a deep breath to calm down before continuing. “Valerie, I’ll be more than happy to do a paternity test when the baby is born. This has been a shock for me as well, and I’m being honest when I tell you that I do not want ANYTHING from Cal. I don’t want his money, I don’t want to be in the tabloids, nothing. I just wanted to do the right thing by letting him know so he can decide if he wants to be in this baby’s life or not. That’s all that I want from him.” I sigh with resignation, hoping she understands.

  She is quiet for a few seconds before responding. “I understand. I’m sorry, Jenna.”

  “Yeah, so am I,” I say softly, tired from the emotions and the headache that is pounding my temples.

  “I’ll talk to him as soon as I reach him. You should be hearing from him soon.”

  “Thanks, Valerie.” I hang up the phone and lay back against the bed, completely drained from that phone call. If this phone call was emotional on me, I don’t want to imagine how it’s going to be when Cal calls me back.

  One day later:

  To: Cal Harrington

  From: Jenna Pruitt

  Subject: Please call me!

  Cal,

  Hope you are doing well. I talked with Valerie yesterday over something very important that I need to discuss with you. Please call me as soon as possible.

  Best,

  Jenna Pruitt

  Two days later:

  To: Cal Harrington

  From: Jenna Pruitt

  Subject: I REALLY NEED YOU TO CALL ME!

  Cal,

  PLEASE…I’m begging you…it is IMPERATIVE that you call me back.

  Jenna