The Best Short Works of Mark Twain

by Mark Twain

  “This is no ordinary case. Every step must be warily taken; each step must be made sure before the next is ventured. And secrecy must be observed—secrecy profound and absolute. Speak to no one about the matter, not even the reporters. I will take care of them; I will see that they get only what it may suit my ends to let them know.” He touched a bell; a youth appeared. “Alaric, tell the reporters to remain for the present.” The boy retired. “Now let us proceed to business—and systematically. Nothing can be accomplished in this trade of mine without strict and minute method.”

  He took a pen and some paper. “Now—name of the elephant?”

  “Hassan Ben Ali Ben Selim Abdallah Mohammed Moisé Alhammal Jamsetjejeebhoy Dhuleep Sultan Ebu Bhudpoor.”

  “Very well. Given name?”

  “Jumbo.”

  “Very well. Place of birth?”

  “The capital city of Siam.”

  “Parents living?”

  “No—dead.”

  “Had they any other issue besides this one?”

  “None. He was an only child.”

  “Very well. These matters are sufficient under that head. Now please describe the elephant, and leave out no particular, however insignificant—that is, insignificant from your point of view. To men in my profession there are no insignificant particulars; they do not exist.”

  I described—he wrote. When I was done, he said:

  “Now listen. If I have made any mistakes, correct me.”

  He read as follows:

  “Height, 19 feet; length from apex of forehead to insertion of tail, 26 feet; length of trunk, 16 feet; length of tail, 6 feet; total length, including trunk and tail, 48 feet; length of tusks, 91/2 feet; ears in keeping with these dimensions; footprint resembles the mark left when one upends a barrel in the snow; color of the elephant, a dull white; has a hole the size of a plate in each ear for the insertion of jewelry, and possesses the habit in a remarkable degree of squirting water upon spectators and of maltreating with his trunk not only such persons as he is acquainted with, but even entire strangers; limps slightly with his right hind leg, and has a small scar in his left armpit caused by a former boil; had on, when stolen, a castle containing seats for fifteen persons, and a gold-cloth saddle-blanket the size of an ordinary carpet.”

  There were no mistakes. The inspector touched the bell, handed the description to Alaric, and said:

  “Have fifty thousand copies of this printed at once and mailed to every detective office and pawnbroker’s shop on the continent.” Alaric retired. “There—so far, so good. Next, I must have a photograph of the property.”

  I gave him one. He examined it critically, and said:

  “It must do, since we can do no better; but he has his trunk curled up and tucked into his mouth. That is unfortunate, and is calculated to mislead, for of course he does not usually have it in that position.” He touched his bell.

  “Alaric, have fifty thousand copies of this photograph made the first thing in the morning, and mail them with the descriptive circulars.”

  Alaric retired to execute his orders. The inspector said:

  “It will be necessary to offer a reward, of course. Now as to the amount?”

  “What sum would you suggest?”

  “To begin with, I should say—well, twenty-five thousand dollars. It is an intricate and difficult business; there are a thousand avenues of escape and opportunities of concealment. These thieves have friends and pals everywhere—”

  “Bless me, do you know who they are?”

  The wary face, practised in concealing the thoughts and feelings within, gave me no token, nor yet the replying words, so quietly uttered:

  “Never mind about that. I may, and I may not. We generally gather a pretty shrewd inkling of who our man is by the manner of his work and the size of the game he goes after. We are not dealing with a pickpocket or a hall thief now, make up your mind to that. This property was not ‘lifted’ by a novice. But, as I was saying, considering the amount of travel which will have to be done, and the diligence with which the thieves will cover up their traces as they move along, twenty-five thousand may be too small a sum to offer, yet I think it worth while to start with that.”

  So we determined upon that figure as a beginning. Then this man, whom nothing escaped which could by any possibility be made to serve as a clue, said:

  “There are cases in detective history to show that criminals have been detected through peculiarities in their appetites. Now, what does this elephant eat, and how much?”

  “Well, as to what he eats—he will eat anything. He will eat a man, he will eat a Bible—he will eat anything between a man and a Bible.”

  “Good—very good, indeed, but too general. Details are necessary—details are the only valuable things in our trade. Very well—as to men. At one meal—or, if you prefer, during one day—how many men will he eat, if fresh?”

  “He would not care whether they were fresh or not; at a single meal he would eat five ordinary men.”

  “Very good; five men; we will put that down. What nationalities would he prefer?”

  “He is indifferent about nationalities. He prefers acquaintances, but is not prejudiced against strangers.”

  “Very good. Now, as to Bibles. How many Bibles would he eat at a meal?”

  “He would eat an entire edition.”

  “It is hardly succinct enough. Do you mean the ordinary octavo, or the family illustrated?”

  “I think he would be indifferent to illustrations; that is, I think he would not value illustrations above simple letterpress.”

  “No, you do not get my idea. I refer to bulk. The ordinary octavo Bible weighs about two pounds and a half, while the great quarto with the illustrations weighs ten or twelve. How many Doré Bibles would he eat at a meal?”

  “If you knew this elephant, you could not ask. He would take what they had.”

  “Well, put it in dollars and cents, then. We must get at it somehow. The Doré costs a hundred dollars a copy, Russia leather, beveled.”

  “He would require about fifty thousand dollars’ worth—say an edition of five hundred copies.”

  “Now that is more exact. I will put that down. Very well; he likes men and Bibles; so far, so good. What else will he eat? I want particulars.”

  “He will leave Bibles to eat bricks, he will leave bricks to eat bottles, he will leave bottles to eat clothing, he will leave clothing to eat cats, he will leave cats to eat oysters, he will leave oysters to eat ham, he will leave ham to eat sugar, he will leave sugar to eat pie, he will leave pie to eat potatoes, he will leave potatoes to eat bran, he will leave bran to eat hay, he will leave hay to eat oats, he will leave oats to eat rice, for he was mainly raised on it. There is nothing whatever that he will not eat but European butter, and he would eat that if he could taste it.”

  “Very good. General quantity at a meal—say about—”

  “Well, anywhere from a quarter to half a ton.”

  “And he drinks—”

  “Everything that is fluid. Milk, water, whisky, molasses, castor oil, camphene, carbolic acid—it is no use to go into particulars; whatever fluid occurs to you set it down. He will drink anything that is fluid, except European coffee.”

  “Very good. As to quantity?”

  “Put it down five to fifteen barrels—his thirst varies; his other appetites do not.”

  “These things are unusual. They ought to furnish quite good clues toward tracing him.”

  He touched the bell.

  “Alaric, summon Captain Burns.”

  Burns appeared. Inspector Blunt unfolded the whole matter to him, detail by detail. Then he said in the clear, decisive tones of a man whose plans are clearly defined in his head and who is accustomed to command:

  “Captain Burns, detail Detectives Jones, Davis, Halsey, Bates, and Hackett to shadow the elephant.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Detail Detectives Moses, Dakin, Murphy, Rogers, Tupper, Higgins,
and Batholomew to shadow the thieves.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Place a strong guard—a guard of thirty picked men, with a relief of thirty—over the place from whence the elephant was stolen, to keep strict watch there night and day, and allow none to approach—except reporters—without written authority from me.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Place detectives in plain clothes in the railway, steamship, and ferry depots, and upon all roadways leading out of Jersey City, with orders to search all suspicious persons.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Furnish all these men with photograph and accompanying description of the elephant, and instruct them to search all trains and outgoing ferryboats and other vessels.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “If the elephant should be found, let him be seized, and the information forwarded to me by telegraph.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Let me be informed at once if any clues should be found—footprints of the animal, or anything of that kind.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Get an order commanding the harbor police to patrol the frontages vigilantly.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Despatch detectives in plain clothes over all the railways, north as far as Canada, west as far as Ohio, south as far as Washington.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Place experts in all the telegraph offices to listen to all messages; and let them require that all cipher despatches be interpreted to them.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Let all these things be done with the utmost secrecy—mind, the most impenetrable secrecy.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Report to me promptly at the usual hour.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Go!”

  “Yes, sir.”

  He was gone.

  Inspector Blunt was silent and thoughtful a moment, while the fire in his eye cooled down and faded out. Then he turned to me and said in a placid voice:

  “I am not given to boasting, it is not my habit; but—we shall find the elephant.”

  I shook him warmly by the hand and thanked him; and I felt my thanks, too. The more I had seen of the man the more I liked him and the more I admired him and marveled over the mysterious wonders of his profession. Then we parted for the night, and I went home with a far happier heart than I had carried with me to his office.

  2

  Next morning it was all in the newspapers, in the minutest detail. It even had additions—consisting of Detective This, Detective That, and Detective The Other’s “Theory” as to how the robbery was done, who the robbers were, and whither they had flown with their booty. There were eleven of these theories, and they covered all the possibilities; and this single fact shows what independent thinkers detectives are. No two theories were alike, or even much resembled each other, save in one striking particular, and in that one all the other eleven theories were absolutely agreed. That was, that although the rear of my building was torn out and the only door remained locked, the elephant had not been removed through the rent, but by some other (undiscovered) outlet. All agreed that the robbers had made that rent only to mislead the detectives. That never would have occurred to me or to any other layman, perhaps, but it had not deceived the detectives for a moment. Thus, what I had supposed was the only thing that had no mystery about it was in fact the very thing I had gone furthest astray in. The eleven theories all named the supposed robbers, but no two named the same robbers; the total number of suspected persons was thirty-seven. The various newspaper accounts all closed with the most important opinion of all—that of Chief Inspector Blunt. A portion of this statement read as follows:

  The chief knows who the two principals are, namely, “Brick” Duffy and “Red” McFadden. Ten days before the robbery was achieved he was already aware that it was to be attempted, and had quietly proceeded to shadow these two noted villains; but unfortunately on the night in question their track was lost, and before it could be found again the bird was flown—that is, the elephant.

  Duffy and McFadden are the boldest scoundrels in the profession; the chief has reasons for believing that they are the men who stole the stove out of the detective headquarters on a bitter night last winter—in consequence of which the chief and every detective present were in the hands of the physicians before morning, some with frozen feet, others with frozen fingers, ears, and other members.

  When I read the first half of that I was more astonished than ever at the wonderful sagacity of this strange man. He not only saw everything in the present with a clear eye, but even the future could not be hidden from him. I was soon at his office, and said I could not help wishing he had had those men arrested, and so prevented the trouble and loss; but his reply was simple and unanswerable:

  “It is not our province to prevent crime, but to punish it. We cannot punish it until it is committed.”

  I remarked that the secrecy with which he had begun had been marred by the newspapers; not only all our facts but all our plans and purposes had been revealed; even all the suspected persons had been named; these would doubtless disguise themselves now, or go into hiding.

  “Let them. They will find that when I am ready for them my hand will descend upon them, in their secret places, as unerringly as the hand of fate. As to the newspapers, we must keep in with them. Fame, reputation, constant public mention—these are the detective’s bread and butter. He must publish his facts, else he will be supposed to have none; he must publish his theory, for nothing is so strange or striking as a detective’s theory, or brings him so much wonderful respect; we must publish our plans, for these the journals insist upon having, and we could not deny them without offending. We must constantly show the public what we are doing, or they will believe we are doing nothing. It is much pleasanter to have a newspaper say, ‘Inspector Blunt’s ingenious and extraordinary theory is as follows,’ than to have it say some harsh thing, or, worse still, some sarcastic one.”

  “I see the force of what you say. But I noticed that in one part of your remarks in the papers this morning you refused to reveal your opinion upon a certain minor point.”

  “Yes, we always do that; it has a good effect. Besides, I had not formed any opinion on that point, anyway.”

  I deposited a considerable sum of money with the inspector, to meet current expenses, and sat down to wait for news. We were expecting the telegrams to begin to arrive at any moment now. Meantime I reread the newspapers and also our descriptive circular, and observed that our twenty-five thousand dollars reward seemed to be offered only to detectives. I said I thought it ought to be offered to anybody who would catch the elephant. The inspector said:

  “It is the detectives who will find the elephant, hence the reward will go to the right place. If other people found the animal, it would only be by watching the detectives and taking advantage of clues and indications stolen from them, and that would entitle the detectives to the reward, after all. The proper office of a reward is to stimulate the men who deliver up their time and their trained sagacities to this sort of work, and not to confer benefits upon chance citizens who stumble upon a capture without having earned the benefits by their own merits and labors.”

  This was reasonable enough, certainly. Now the telegraphic machine in the corner began to click, and the following despatch was the result:

  FLOWER STATION, N. Y., 7.30 A.M.

  HAVE GOT A CLUE. FOUND A SUCCESSION OF DEEP TRACKS ACROSS A FARM NEAR HERE. FOLLOWED THEM TWO MILES EAST WITHOUT RESULT; THINK ELEPHANT WENT WEST. SHALL NOW SHADOW HIM IN THAT DIRECTION.

  DARLEY, DETECTIVE

  “Darley’s one of the best men on the force,” said the inspector. “We shall hear from him again before long.”

  Telegram No. 2 came:

  BARKER’S, N. J., 7.40 A.M.

  JUST ARRIVED. GLASS FACTORY BROKEN OPEN HERE DURING NIGHT, AND EIGHT HUNDRED BOTTLES TAKEN. ONLY WATER IN LARGE QUANTITY NEAR HERE IS FIVE MILES DISTANT. SHALL STRIKE FOR
THERE. ELEPHANT WILL BE THIRSTY. BOTTLES WERE EMPTY.

  BAKER, DETECTIVE

  “That promises well, too,” said the inspector. “I told you the creature’s appetites would not be bad clues.”

  Telegram No. 3:

  TAYLORVILLE, L. I., 8.15 A.M.

  A HAYSTACK NEAR HERE DISAPPEARED DURING NIGHT. PROBABLY EATEN. HAVE GOT A CLUE, AND AM OFF.

  HUBBARD, DETECTIVE

  “How he does move around!” said the inspector. “I knew we had a difficult job on hand, but we shall catch him yet.”

  FLOWER STATION, N. Y., 9 A.M.

  SHADOWED THE TRACKS THREE MILES WESTWARD. LARGE, DEEP AND RAGGED. HAVE JUST MET A FARMER WHO SAYS THEY ARE NOT ELEPHANT TRACKS. SAYS THEY ARE HOLES WHERE HE DUG UP SAPLINGS FOR SHADE-TREES WHEN GROUND WAS FROZEN LAST WINTER. GIVE ME ORDERS HOW TO PROCEED.

  DARLEY, DETECTIVE

  “Aha! a confederate of the thieves! The thing grows warm,” said the inspector.

  He dictated the following telegram to Darley:

  ARREST THE MAN AND FORCE HIM TO NAME HIS PALS. CONTINUE TO FOLLOW THE TRACKS—TO THE PACIFIC IF NECESSARY.

  CHIEF BLUNT

  Next telegram:

  CONEY POINT, PA., 8.45 A.M.

  GAS OFFICE BROKEN OPEN HERE DURING NIGHT AND THREE MONTHS’ UNPAID GAS BILLS TAKEN. HAVE GOT A CLUE AND AM AWAY.

  MURPHY, DETECTIVE

  “Heavens!” said the inspector; “would he eat gas bills?”

  “Through ignorance—yes; but they cannot support life. At least, unassisted.”

  Now came this exciting telegram:

  IRONVILLE, N. Y., 9:30 A.M.

  JUST ARRIVED. THIS VILLAGE IN CONSTERNATION. ELEPHANT PASSED THROUGH HERE AT FIVE THIS MORNING. SOME SAY HE WENT EAST, SOME SAY WEST, SOME NORTH, SOME SOUTH—BUT ALL SAY THEY DID NOT WAIT TO NOTICE PARTICULARLY. HE KILLED A HORSE; HAVE SECURED A PIECE OF IT FOR A CLUE. KILLED IT WITH HIS TRUNK; FROM STYLE OF BLOW, THINK HE STRUCK IT LEFT-HANDED. FROM POSITION IN WHICH HORSE LIES, THINK ELEPHANT TRAVELED NORTHWARD ALONG LINE OF BERKLEY RAILWAY. HAS FOUR AND A HALF HOURS’ START, BUT I MOVE ON HIS TRACK AT ONCE.