Tragic Soul

by Jeanisse, Bella

  Andy closed his eyes. “It’s Andy from Reckless, sir. We have come to a decision.” He rarely sounded so professional.

  “Go on.” Charles didn’t sound annoyed again.

  After taking a deep breath, Andy said, “We’ve lost our lead guitarist and bassist, but I can play rhythm, Paulie can play lead and we’ll find a bassist.”

  “No need.”

  Everyone held their breath. I expected him to say he would look at the next band. Papers shuffled on the other end of the line.

  “This plays into my plan perfectly.” Charles’ tone was almost joyous. “I wanted your songs. I planned on having someone else sing. This is much better. My guy Sean plays bass, so it’s all set.”

  Andy’s jaw had dropped as he stared at the phone. “Wait. You were gonna make me come all the way out there then dump me?”

  “Not exactly like that,” Charles explained. “I’m sure we would have worked something out.”

  Daniel punched his legs, obviously fighting the urge to lash out. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths. “So then we just show up at the airport in two weeks?”

  “I’ll email you the itinerary.” Charles paused. “Andy can stay your spokesman, but Sean will be the frontman in public. His voice fits the music better and will blend with Paulie’s voice more. I’ll be in touch about your flights.”

  We were stunned silent for a while. It was not what any of us had anticipated. The fishy feeling about the deal started to make sense. The plan had been to take our music and bend it to what they wanted.

  I glanced around. “You guys really OK with this?”

  “It’s this or keep trying,” Paulie replied as he put his hand on my back. “Do you want me to turn it down?”

  Andy was seething but turned to Paulie. “You do that, and we’re all fucked. We’ll let this Sean guy sing for now. And I’ll show them how wrong they are for pulling this shit on me.”

  I stared at my hands, feeling like I was intruding. When I started to imagine life without Paulie, Chad suddenly came to mind. My body tensed. His pain came back to me full force.

  “What’s wrong? Paulie asked, squeezing my side.

  Trying not to cry again, I glanced at him quickly. “Chad.”

  “He’ll be happy you’re staying.” Paulie swallowed hard, barely containing his emotions. “Go see him. Take my car. He’s probably a wreck.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, he probably is.” I leaned my head on his shoulder. “You sure?”

  “Yep. I have you for two more weeks, right?” He sounded so sad.

  It took a lot of effort for me not to start crying again. When I knew I could speak without tears, I whispered, “You do. I need to check on him.”

  “I get it.” Paulie sighed. “Keys on the kitchen table. Call me if it gets dark. I’ll meet you in the parking lot.”

  That made me smile. “I can walk from the car to here on my own.”

  “Let me be overprotective today. Please.”

  I sighed and nodded. “OK. Fine.” I pulled back and placed a kiss on his lips. “I’ll be back later.”

  Chad’s van was in the driveway when I pulled up to his place. I sat in Paulie’s car for a minute. In order for my ruse to work, Chad had to know nothing about it. Lying to him was not something I wanted to do, but he might tell Paulie the truth to make him stay behind for me. I resolved to avoid lying, and I climbed out and locked the car.

  When the front door opened, I hoped it was Chad. It was Devon. “Hey, Crystal.”

  “Hey. Is he here?” I wrung my hands, nervous as hell.

  He frowned, then nodded. “Yeah. Hasn’t come out of his room since he got home. He looks like shit. You two have a fight?”

  “Not exactly.” I stepped inside when he opened the door wider. “Mind if I go up?”

  Devon laughed. “You kidding? Go cheer him up, please.”

  I walked up the stairs slowly. Guitar music floated down the hall. The notes were drawn out. The piece was quite soulful. I could feel his pain. It tugged at my heart. Once at his door, I knocked softly.

  “Go away!” he shouted.

  My face fell. It was worse than I thought. Sure he was alone, I opened the door. Our eyes met, and he stared at me. Neither of us moved for a minute or two. I wasn’t sure how to tell him I was staying without starting to fall apart over Paulie.

  “Baby, you didn’t have to come.”

  I forced a smile, tears stinging my eyes. “I did.” Slowly I walked into the room, closing the door behind me. “You didn’t let me explain.” I set my purse on the floor.

  “You don’t have to.” His eyes dropped to the floor. “You wanna be with Paulie. I understand. Please don’t make this harder than it is. I can’t take it.” He covered his face with his hands. “Please, baby girl.”

  His sad tone made my heart ache. I clenched my teeth, fighting my emotions. His body shook, and I knew I could wait no longer. I rushed to him and put my hands on his shoulders.

  “I’m not going,” I whispered, barely holding it together. “Chad, I’m staying here.”

  He suddenly threw his arms around me and buried his face in my chest. “God, baby. Don’t lie to me.” He was practically sobbing. “I feel the anxiety. Please don’t lie to me.”

  My hands slid over his back as my eyes closed. “I’m not lying.” I kissed the top of his head and hugged him to me. “I’m not leaving you.”

  Nothing was said for a while. We clung to each other, crying. His face rubbed into my cleavage, drawing a half-smile from me. I wondered if he was taking advantage of the moment. Then he shuddered and gripped my waist tightly. As soothingly as I could, I rubbed his back, then his shoulders. When his breathing started to slow, I played with his hair, running my fingers through the curls.

  His head lifted slightly. “It hurt so bad to walk away.” He sniffled and looked up at me. “You have no idea.” A hand moved from my hip to the back of my neck. “I love you so much.” He pulled my face down and kissed my lips. “Don’t ever do that again. Please.”

  I froze when he kissed me again. How do I stop him without hurting him? When he squeezed my ass, though, I had to. I pushed on his shoulders.

  “We can’t do this.”

  His face fell. “Right. Sorry. We’re both with someone. I just needed to feel you against me.” A sigh escaped his lips. “Amy’d be OK with it, though.” He glanced down at my breasts. “She wants me to start exploring with her. At least that’s what she calls it.” He frowned. “Not so sure about having another dick in the room.”

  I ran my knuckles down his cheek. “Then just take it slow. Don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable with.” Where that advice came from, I had no idea.

  “I’m cool with another chick.” He grinned widely. “But she says the one she’s after ain’t exactly willing yet.” He took my hands in his. “Wish it was you.”

  My face heated up as I imagined it. What would it be like for a woman to touch me? I was more curious than I had ever been. It wouldn’t be as scary with Chad involved. At least I suspected it wouldn’t be.

  Chad squeezed my hands and tugged me closer. “Wait, what about Paulie?” Our eyes met, and he seemed worried. “He’s still going? How’s that gonna work? You break up?”

  I shook my head. “We're gonna do a long distance thing.”

  “You mean, for now.” His eyebrows narrowed. “You know that's gonna be hard to keep up.”

  Unable to hide how I felt, I turned and walked away. I stopped at his dresser and placed my hands on the top. The bed creaked. Then arms were around my neck and shoulders. Chad blew my hair around as he exhaled loudly. I leaned back against him and tried not to let the floodgates open.

  “I’ll be here for you,” he murmured into my hair. “He’ll be faithful. Don’t worry.” He obviously knew I was stressing about something. “Otherwise, me and Cameron’ll kill ’im.”

  That made me smile for a few seconds. “I trust him,” I whispered, tears close to falling. I left out the pa
rt about how letting Paulie go was killing me. “I’ll be fine.”

  “You always are.” He tipped my head back and kissed my forehead. “I’m fine if you wanna go back to Paulie. I know you don’t have much time with him.”

  Those words really got to me. “Yeah.” I pulled my lips in and closed my eyes as I gave in.

  He spun me quickly and held my head to his chest. “I’m so sorry.” His other hand ran up and down my back. “I wish I could fix this, baby.” When I had calmed, he lifted my chin. “Can you stay for a while?”

  I nodded, unable to talk yet.

  “If no one’s downstairs, can we watch a movie?”

  Again, I nodded and hugged him. “Thanks.”

  He raked his fingers through my hair. “I’m always here for you.”

  “I need to call Paulie first, though.”

  “Sure.” He kissed my forehead again. “I’ll go check downstairs.”

  When he was gone, I got a tissue from my purse. I cleaned up the mess on my face and blew my nose. Then I pulled out my phone. Sitting on Chad’s bed, I hit Paulie’s name and called.

  “Hey, honey,” he answered.

  I smiled at the sound of his voice. “Hey.”

  “You a’right? You sound upset.”

  If only he didn’t know me so well. “I’m OK. We talked about stuff.” I sighed, hoping he would let it go. “Do you mind if I stay for a while?”

  “Why?”

  “We kinda need to lean on each other a bit. Just gonna watch a movie. Then I’ll come home.”

  A pan clattered. “Um, I’m making dinner. Guess you can eat when you get home.”

  “OK. If you want me to just come home, say so.”

  He exhaled loudly. “No. Be there for him. I know this was his dream, too. He’s gotta be real broken up about it.”

  “Yeah.” I hadn’t even thought of that. “I’ll call you when I’m close so you can meet me downstairs. Love you.”

  “Love you too. See you later.”

  When I had made my way to the living room, Chad sat on the overstuffed couch with a remote in his hand. I walked to him and took a seat next to him.

  “He cool with you staying?”

  I smiled. “Yeah.” I patted his thigh. “Need to talk about anything else?” His headshake was not convincing. “Sucks we’re not part of Reckless anymore.”

  His head spun around. A look of despair etched in his face. At that moment, I knew the fact hadn’t occurred to him. “Yeah,” he managed. “Guess I was thinking about losing you so much, I didn’t think about losing the band.” His expression changed a bit. He was trying to be strong.

  “I’m sorry it didn’t work out,” I said softly as I slid my hand into his. “We can find a new band together.”

  He stared at our hands. “Yeah. We can.” He clutched my hand. “I’m OK with it. It was my decision.”

  I smiled when he lifted my hand to his lips. “I’m here for you, too.”

  “Yeah. I know, baby.” He let my hand go then threw his arm around my shoulders. “Let’s forget about it all and just watch.”

  I settled in close to him and gazed at the television. He scrolled through the channels and chose a comic book movie, which was perfect to make us forget reality.

  The movie did its job. By the end, we were both relaxed and ready to let go of each other for the day. It was dark out by then. He walked me to Paulie’s car. The goodbye was not as emotional that time.

  Chad kissed my cheek and grinned. “Drive safe. Lock the doors.”

  “I will.”

  The trip home was short. As planned, Paulie stood outside waiting for me as I parked. His arms were folded across his chest. When I turned the engine off, he jogged my way and opened my door.

  “How was the movie?” he asked.

  I took his offered hand and climbed out of the car. “Good. He’ll be fine.”

  “Good.” He pulled me close and hugged me tightly. “My turn.” He was shaking slightly.

  Looking up at him, I could see his fear and anxiety. It wasn’t going to be an easy two weeks for him. Not that it would be for me. He just seemed to be an emotional wreck.

  “After we eat, can we go to bed? I wanna hold you.” His fingers skimmed my back and sides. “I need to get enough of you before I leave.”

  I bit my lip, emotion welling up in me again. “Me too.”

  Chapter 21

  When it came, the day I had been dreading was even worse than I had expected. I awoke from a nightmare screaming. Quickly, I searched Paulie’s bed for him. He was gone. It wasn’t a dream? He’s really gone? Then reality hit me. How could he have disappeared into thin air? It had to be a dream. I had gotten very little sleep. Earlier in the night, I had dreamt I went to visit him, and he was fucking some groupie, telling her he loved her. I woke up crying after that one.

  “Hey. Don’t cry.” Paulie came out of the bathroom in a towel. “I was in the shower.” He got on the bed and took me in his arms. “Please don’t cry. Please.”

  I shook as I clung to him. Letting him go seemed like an impossible task. I just wanted to end it quickly like ripping off a band-aid. However, for the past two weeks, I had been reminded daily that he was leaving.

  We had canceled all our gigs the day they agreed to go to California. So much time at home should have made me happy. Instead, it just made the inevitable more difficult. I watched Paulie pack and get all his affairs in order. It was like seeing my entire future fall apart before my eyes. I hid it well, though. He and Chad didn’t seem to notice I was so torn up inside. It wasn’t easy to pretend I was happy for Paulie and that I would wait for him.

  “Look at me,” Paulie said. “Honey, look at me.”

  I lifted my head, tears still falling. Words were not possible, so I waited.

  “Do you want me to stay? I haven’t signed anything. If this is too much for you, I’m not going. I can’t do this to you.”

  Sucking it up, I shook my head. “You can’t do that.” I wasn’t going to be the one who held him back. One day, he would regret not trying. “This is your dream.”

  “But I love you!” His body tensed with anger. “You’re not really OK with this, are you?”

  My eyes opened wide. Oh, God. No. Please don’t figure it out. I thought quickly. “It’s just hard. It may be months.”

  He framed my face in his hands and kissed my lips. “I know. I’m sorry it worked out this way.” He leaned his forehead on mine. “Maybe we can find another way. I’ll talk to your dad again.” He had already gone to my father asking for permission to take me with him. The request was flat-out denied.

  “His mind’s made up.” My hands slipped down his back a bit. “There’s nothing I can do.” Going against my family on big issues was not in my nature. “Please don’t push it.”

  Paulie took a deep breath and kissed my nose. “OK. I’m sorry. I just don’t wanna… I don’t wanna leave you.”

  The emotion in his voice got to me, but I pursed my lips and held back. “I should take a shower, too.”

  “You can stay here.” He hadn’t let me go. “Rent’s paid till the end of the month.”

  I closed my eyes and tried to shake my head, but he held me tight. “I—I can’t. Too many memories.”

  “Yeah. True.” He embraced me again and kissed my hair. “Chad’ll keep you busy, I’m sure. He said he’ll take a trip out there with you before school starts. I can’t wait.”

  His smile broke my heart. I hoped he didn’t take it too hard when I finally told him the truth. It had to wait until he signed the contract, though. I just knew Reckless was going to do well under a real record label.

  “Go ahead and take a shower,” he whispered in my ear. “Maybe when you visit, we can finally have shower sex. If Chad wasn’t on his way over, I’d join you.”

  I pulled away and hurried to the bathroom without another word. Once in the shower, I let it all out. I sobbed until I was heaving and unable to catch my breath. Then I leaned on the wall
and tried to figure out a way to get through the next hour without showing my true feelings. I needed to be the actress of the year.

  “Hey.” Chad’s voice came from the other side of the door as he knocked. “You OK?”

  I sniffled, rinsed my face off and replied, “Yeah. Just showering.”

  “He’s in the kitchen,” Chad called. “Tell me the truth.”

  Hands on the shower wall, I stared at my feet. “Maybe later.”

  “I’m here, baby.”

  I heard him walk away, and I started bawling again. The ache within was unbearable. How am I gonna get through this? I couldn't imagine faking it for much longer.

  When I was sure I could hold it together, I turned the water off and grabbed a towel. The voices beyond the bedroom were louder by then. I assumed everyone had arrived. Andy had offered to get everyone to the airport. I assumed one of his parents’ “servants” would drive.

  “There you are,” Paulie said when I opened the bedroom door. He smiled widely and walked my way. “Everything OK?”

  I forced a grin and nodded. “Yeah. The shower did me good.”

  He took me into his arms and held me close. “You look beautiful.”

  “Thanks.” I dressed up a bit. Heels, black skirt, red blouse. My hair and makeup was done just right. I wanted him to have a nice image of me when he left. “Is it time to go already?”

  Andy walked towards us. “Almost. Our flight leaves at noon.”

  My chest felt tight, and my eyes began to water. I nestled my head on Paulie and closed my eyes, trying to memorize the feel and smell of him. His hands moved slowly on my back. At that moment, I knew he felt it. He knew subconsciously that this was goodbye forever.

  “I love you,” he murmured into my ear as he nuzzled my neck. “This is gonna be so hard.” A tear dropped onto my shoulder. “Gonna miss you so bad.”

  The next few minutes in his arms went by too fast. I clutched his biceps, wishing for another day. However, it was for the best, at least for Paulie. One day, he would move on. I knew he would. Although, I didn’t expect I would. Not fully at least.

  “Wait. You didn’t sell your car?” Chad suddenly asked. “I swear I saw it downstairs.”