Someone Always Loved You

by Brooke Williams

  Thoughts of Cory permeated her mind as she closed the final dusty book in the corner of the library. She couldn’t do this to him. He would drop everything and come to her rescue. He would leave Boston College and his dreams of being a lawyer and would work at a dead end job to support her and their child. She couldn’t have that. She wouldn’t cause his dreams to crumble before his eyes.

  With that decided, Jordan began to wonder what she would do. She’d heard of the abortion procedure which was becoming more and more popular for women in her situation. As soon as the thought crossed her mind, she dismissed it. She was disgusted for even considering the idea. No baby of hers would end before he or she had a chance to begin. No way.

  So what were her options then? She couldn’t raise a baby on her own. She wouldn’t tell her parents. She was simply too embarrassed. She had decided against involving Cory. These decisions gave her a new subject to research, and she began diving into a different set of books about possible facilities to which she could flee.

  Jordan was relieved when she heard that her parents wanted their family to spend Christmas at her aunt and uncle’s house this year, in the heart of Wisconsin, far away from her home town. Jordan knew what she had to do, but she didn’t think she could stand looking Cory in the eye. After hearing about the plans for Christmas, she sat down to write Cory a letter that would break her heart…and a few days later break his.

  My Dearest Cory,

  I am so proud of you and the man you have become. Boston College is lucky to have you. I just wanted to write and tell you I won’t be coming home for Christmas this year. My parents and I will be traveling to Wisconsin instead. I am so sad that I don’t get to see you, but you may not want to see me anyway after you read the rest of this letter.

  College has helped me grow up in ways I never thought I would, and though it’s the last thing I ever thought I would do, I have to let you go. I love you, Cory, and I always will, but I cannot be responsible for holding you back. I have to do what’s right. Enjoy your college years, and put me out of your mind. You probably already know loads of girls who are dying to go out with you. Give them a chance. I know this may not make sense to you. I just have to do what’s right. Please forgive me.

  Love always,

  Jordan

  Jordan wouldn’t realize the effect her tear-stained letter would have on Cory. She didn’t know the confusion her statement “I have to do what’s right” would cause. She had said it twice, and he’d repeated it ten thousand times in his mind. She was right. He didn’t understand, and he didn’t want to understand. He agonized in his dorm room until Christmas break at which time his friends forced him to go out and have a little fun.

  As Jordan prepared for the break in Wisconsin, packing her largest sweatshirts and baggy jeans, Cory preferred sitting alone in the dark, re-living their good times.

  Jordan successfully navigated Christmas by avoiding full frontal hugs and wearing her largest, warmest clothes. She was in Wisconsin, after all, where the temperatures in the winter barely rose above twenty. She had never been one to wear form fitting clothing anyway. If anyone saw any change in her, it was that her eyes looked a little more sad and weary than when she’d left for school. Her family attributed that to the fact that Jordan missed her long time sweetheart. She let them carry on about her and Cory without correcting them. It would do no good to announce their split right now. Her whole family loved him nearly as much as she did, and Christmas was supposed to be a joyful time.

  She did have an announcement she had to make though. The evening before they left for the working world again, Jordan pulled her parents away from the festivities to drop her news.

  “Mom, Dad,” she started, tugging the arm of her long sweatshirt over her fingers, “I’ve decided to take a semester off from college.”

  The surprise on their faces was evident as they looked at each other. “We thought you loved college,” her father said.

  “I do, Dad. It’s just that you know I’ve always wanted to help people, and I have this great opportunity to do exactly that in Minnesota,” she lied. It was an opportunity all right, but one she had sought for her own selfish reasons. “I’ll be working at an orphanage. One of the full-time caretakers has an ill family member and is leaving to be closer to her relatives. I’ll take over for her until the summer. I’ll help with the kids, learn how to keep the records, pitch in wherever I can,” Jordan peeled her eyes away from her hands, embedded in her sweatshirt sleeves and met her parents’ gaze.

  “Oh, Sweetie,” her mother proclaimed, “how wonderful!”

  With that, Jordan knew she had succeeded in telling the biggest lie of her life.

  CHAPTER 12

  Jordan moved her few belongings into the small bare room at the Minnesota orphanage just after the New Year began. She told her parents there was no public phone available, so her calls would be infrequent. But she would write often. The most painful part about her arrival was the realization that she had completely cut herself off from Cory. Not only had she broken his heart, and her own in the process, but now he had no way of knowing how to get in touch with her. It was for the best, she reassured herself, as she hung her clothes on the small rack in the closet.

  Jordan greatly enjoyed the orphanage. There was a large library with walls full of books that left her in awe every time she entered. She was satisfied by standing in the middle of the room inhaling the smell of the books, but she often spent her free afternoons browsing their contents as well.

  She settled into a comfortable routine. In the morning, she would help the nurses and nannies make their rounds. She changed diapers in the infant division, played games with the toddlers, and chatted about school and the future with the older kids. In the afternoon she helped in the front office, filing reports, answering the phone, and entering data into the ancient computer.

  Each day was mostly the same. She marked the passing time by the growth of her belly which seemed to be expanding on a daily basis. She could no longer sleep comfortably in any position. She spent a couple of evenings fashioning a pillow that she could prop under her stomach as she lay on her side. Even though she could finally find comfort lying down, Jordan still couldn’t close her eyes at night. She knew she was doing what had to be done, but she couldn’t help feeling as if she would be giving a part of herself away, just as she felt when she tore herself from Cory for the last time.

  The nurses and nannies found Jordan to be a great joy. They enjoyed her cheery attitude and her immense help with the children. But they all knew why she was there, and they saw the dark shadow that passed over her eyes on occasion, especially when she visited the nursery.

  One little boy in particular had taken a liking to Jordan and her daily visits. He was seven years old and cute as a button. It pained Jordan to see him because he looked as she imagined her child might appear some day. His hair was dark like Cory’s and had a little wave to it which never allowed it to look completely groomed. The instant Jordan set foot in the boys’ division, he was by her side, placing his tiny hand in hers and chattering until the moment she left. He was secretly hoping that she would take him away with her when she left. But deep down he knew she would have a baby of her own to care for. He’d seen enough women around with balloon-like bellies to know what it meant.

  Jordan enjoyed every minute she spent with little Evan. His slight Hispanic appearance made him all the more adorable, and no one could resist his big black eyes. She could see the intelligence in those eyes and knew that he would go far in the world. She only hoped the right family would come along and make him their own.

  Jordan had always prided herself in being kind to others. Sometimes she found it frustrating that Evan had attached himself to her, but mostly she was worried about hurting him when she left. She was sure to mention her departure date as often as possible so she could prepare him for their inevitable separation. As much as she grew to love him, she knew taking him with her was more impossible than keepi
ng her own child.

  The only thing Jordan knew she could do for Evan was to make sure he felt loved while she was there. She treated him like a little brother or maybe even a son. She kissed his forehead, hugged him often, and saw that he combed his hair and washed his face. Every time she saw him, her parting words were the same, “There will always be someone in the world who loves you, Evan. Always.” He was a special child, and though she knew it was unlikely that their paths would ever cross again, she knew she would never forget the way his eyes lit up when she tucked him into his bunk for the night.

  On one particularly dreary day, Jordan passed the time in the boys’ division playing board game after board game with as many boys as she could fit around the table. She was so involved in the rousing spirit of the young boys, cooped up inside due to the pouring rain, that it took her nearly an hour to notice that Evan had disappeared from his station at the board. Jordan roamed the large room with her eyes, quickly spotting Evan on the corner bunk with his back to the rambunctious group.

  Jordan slid her growing body across the floor to separate herself from the pack. Her place at the board quickly vanished as she grabbed a nearby bed post to aide her in standing. Jordan massaged the small of her back with a fist and tucked a wayward hair behind her ear as she approached the bed that harbored her indisputable favorite.

  “Evan?” she questioned as she sank gratefully on the lumpy mattress. Noticing the telltale streaks on his face before he turned away, Jordan placed an arm gently around his shoulders. “What’s wrong, Sweetie?” She asked in a voice so motherly one would think she had years of experience.

  Evan tried to twist away so he could bury himself in the nearby flat pillow, but Jordan held him firmly against her side as his shoulder heaved a huge sigh. Determined to wait him out, she gently stroked the back of his neck.

  “I want to go home,” he said at long last. This single statement confused Jordan to no end. Very few of the orphans remembered anything about their homes. Those who did have memories seldom wanted to return to those situations.

  “What do you mean?” Jordan prodded, trying to get to the bottom of this mystery.

  “I don’t want to live here anymore,” Evan sobbed, turning to face his friend. “I want a mommy and a daddy and maybe even a brother or two. I just want to go home.” The tears began to coarse down his face again as Jordan pulled him into her arms, her heart breaking. She didn’t loosen her grip until the sobs subsided and the tears dried on his face. She almost wished she hadn’t pulled back from him as she heard him say tentatively, “Will you be my mommy?”

  Her heart shattering into irreparable bits, Jordan tugged the child back into her embrace. “Oh, Evan,” she breathed. “I wish I could. I really do,” she paused as she searched for the right words. “I can’t be a mother to anyone right now, Sweetie. Not you. Not this baby. Not anyone.” Evan placed his hand on her belly as he sniffled and pulled his tear-stained face back enough to gaze down at the burgeoning lump.

  “It’s okay,” he said with maturity beyond his years. “I understand.” Jordan could only hope that he meant what he said. If she ever had a child in her life, she wanted him to be just like the little boy before her now. “Does that mean you’re not taking this baby with you?” he asked after he fully processed her statement.

  Jordan nodded, unable to speak for fear of shedding tears of her own. “That must be really hard,” Evan continued. “But don’t worry, your baby will be in good hands. I’ll watch out for him.”

  Jordan nodded again, astonished at the sweetness of the child that had few reasons to be generous. “I don’t know that it’s a boy,” she stated, catching his reference to the baby.

  “It is,” Evan retorted. “I’m sure of it.” With that, he jumped from the mattress and bounded back over to the gaggle of boys gathered around the tattered board game.

  Jordan read as much as she could and tried to keep up with her studies so she could jump back into college prepared for her sophomore year. As winter gave way to spring and the birds finally began to return, Jordan forgot about everything except what she was waiting for--the arrival of her child. She had seen many women come and go since her arrival, and she had heard the pain of childbirth on occasion as she lurked in the medical wing. She had never been allowed in the delivery room since she wasn’t a registered nurse or a family member. When she allowed herself to admit it, she knew she was scared about the delivery process.

  To pass the time, she wrote to her parents and a few friends at college, detailing her duties at the orphanage. She told them about little Evan and some of her other favorites. She included every detail, omitting only the growth within her.

  As her late April due date came and went, Jordan became more anxious. She cleaned the small space around her cot continuously, arranging and re-arranging the few items she had brought with her. April turned into May, and Jordan tired of her little room. The orphanage staff had cut back on her responsibilities drastically over the last few weeks, insisting that she rest more and take better care of herself. But Jordan couldn’t stand another moment in the dank room, so she headed for the library.

  Entering through its heavy, wooden double doors, Jordan inhaled the musty scent of the books and began to scan the room. It was always a difficult decision to determine which direction she would go. This time she did not have to decide as she felt a warm liquid stream down her legs and pool on the floor. Shocked, Jordan stared embarrassedly down at her feet until the librarian noticed her.

  “Oh dear,” the librarian proclaimed, “I do believe your little one is about to make an appearance.”

  Before Jordan could protest, the librarian herded her down the hall and around the corner to the medical wing. Jordan knew soon enough what the librarian meant as the contractions began. She had no idea what to expect when it came to how she would actually feel. At first she felt as if she had severe menstrual cramps and nothing more. She had read everything she could get her hands on about labor and she breathed her way through the cramp-like pains with as much ease as was possible for someone so scared and so alone.

  By the time the doctor arrived, the nurses had Jordan in a paper gown, breathing through her contractions on a rock hard bed. The contractions had moved along quickly and each strengthened in ferocity. Jordan had never known such pain, but she kept telling herself it that they were just muscle contractions. Such self-affirming statements were enough to get her through each contraction. By the time another one rolled through her, she was prepared with another string of mental thoughts. What seemed like dozens of nurses scurried around her, arranging medical utensils and supplies as she breathed and breathed, knowing she had to wait to push until she was directed by the doctor.

  The doctor, after a quick examination, knew Jordan was ready. “Okay, Jordan,” the doctor instructed, “I want you to dig deep inside yourself, and give me a good hard…”

  Before he could finish, she pushed with all her might. She felt as if she was pushing her lungs out of her body, but she persevered. She couldn’t lie to herself any longer. It hurt. But the harder she pushed, the sooner it would be over.

  The doctor glanced up at her in amazement as she finally stopped to catch her breath. “I see the head! One more push, and your baby should officially be here,” he stated. He seldom saw such a quick birth, and was pleased that Jordan had done so well.

  Jordan didn’t waste any time. She drew in a deep breath and pushed until her face was nearly purple. She wanted the baby out of her body as quickly as possible. Just as she was about to collapse from the enormous effort, she heard a penetrating yowl.

  “It’s a boy!” the doctor proclaimed, holding a tiny, red, wrinkly figure before her.

  The nurses swooped around the hard bed, and after the doctor had finished his procedures, they whisked the small boy away for his first bath. A million thoughts raced through Jordan’s mind, but she couldn’t stop her eyes from closing with exhaustion. When she awoke hours later, her hands moved to h
er stomach, still round and swollen, but much more flat than it had been earlier that day.

  A nurse entered to check on her. “Where’s the baby?” Jordan asked. “I want to see him.”

  “He’s in the nursery,” the nurse stated. “Are you sure you’re up to seeing him?” The nurse knew Jordan’s intentions. Everyone at the orphanage knew, and they were all saddened by her decision. She was a delightful girl and would make an incredible mother, even if she was young.

  Jordan nodded, “I’m sure. Please bring him to me.”

  The nurse shrugged and moved from the room. It wasn’t often that a new mother, intending to leave her baby for adoptive parents, asked to see the child. She usually preferred not to see the baby. It made leaving somewhat easier. But on occasion, it did happen, and it was allowed. After all, there was always the hope that the mother would change her mind.

  Jordan laid her head back on the bed and waited, staring at the ceiling. She still understood what she had to do, but she couldn’t possibly leave without ever seeing him.

  When the nurse returned, Jordan sat up expectantly. The nurse carried what looked like a roll of blankets. As she placed the wad in Jordan’s arms, she moved aside a few of the folds, revealing his tiny face. Of course, he was wrinkled and odd looking as most newborns are, but to Jordan, he was beautiful. The young mother gazed at his tightly shut eyes as she pushed the blanket farther back on his head. His hair was dark like hers, and it curled in a million different directions like Cory’s. She smiled as she thought about Cory and how he would react to this sight as the baby grunted and flexed in her arms, awakening. The infant opened his large eyes and looked directly into hers, even though she knew at this stage he couldn’t really see her.

  “Hi, Sweetheart,” she cooed, tracing a finger around his forehead and onto his cheek. The nurse stood at the door, witnessing the moment. “You’re going to have such a great life,” Jordan whispered. “You’re going to grow up and help hundreds of people. You’re going to have a wonderful family. And someday you’re going to meet a great girl and have a little boy just like you.” Jordan paused as a sob racked her body. The nurse took a step toward her, but Jordan held out a hand, stopping the nurse in her tracks. “You’re a lucky boy, Jay. You’ll always have people who love you in this world. People you don’t even know about.” The baby closed his eyes and yawned as Jordan allowed the tears coursing down her face to drip onto his blanket. She bent and kissed his forehead, covering his head with her own. Jordan looked up at the nurse, indicating that she should approach. As they transferred the squirmy baby between them, Jordan said, “His name is Jay,” and she rolled away to bury her tear-stained face into the pillow.