What the Moon Said

by Gayle Rosengren

  • • •

  When Esther woke up, the first thing she saw was Ma’s face. It was dark behind Ma, but her face was lit by a small lamp on the table next to Esther’s bed.

  “Ahh. You are awake finally,” Ma said. She smiled.

  “Thir . . . sty,” Esther croaked.

  “I will get some water,” Ma said. “Wait.” Esther closed her eyes and listened to Ma’s footsteps fade away. When she heard them coming back, Esther forced her heavy eyelids to open again. Ma held a cup with a spoon sticking out of it. “Ice chips,” she said, spooning one carefully into Esther’s mouth.

  Esther closed her eyes. The ice tasted wonderful. When it was gone, she asked, “Where’s Pa?”

  “He stayed until the doctor said you were out of danger,” Ma said. “He said good-bye to you. But he had to go back with Brummel. He had to see to the animals and Violet and Walter. He will come again tomorrow.”

  Esther nodded weakly. “Is my operation over?” she asked.

  Ma nodded. “Yes. All over. You will be fine.”

  “Good,” Esther whispered. Then she fell asleep again.

  The next time she woke up, a voice was saying, “She needs plenty of good food and rest.”

  “We will see that she gets them,” Ma said.

  “She’s very weak,” the voice continued. “Aside from the surgery, she’s half starved.”

  Ma’s voice hardened. “I understand. But she will get everything she needs.” She added more softly, “I promise.”

  Esther’s eyes opened but the room was dark. She couldn’t see Ma or the man she was talking to. She tried to turn to look toward the doorway. But pain sliced through her middle. “Ooooh!” she gasped.

  Ma was at her side in an instant. The lamp snapped on. “What is it? What is wrong?”

  “It hurts,” Esther moaned, squinting in the glare of the light.

  A man dressed in white came and stood beside Ma. He smiled down at Esther. She recognized him then. He was the same doctor who had examined her when she arrived at the hospital. “It’s going to hurt for a while, I’m afraid,” he said. “But not so bad as it hurt before, hmm?”

  Esther shook her head. No, not so bad as that. And if she lay very still, not so bad at all.

  “The nurse will give you medicine for the pain,” the doctor said. “And in a few days you’ll feel more like yourself. You’ll see.”

  “Then can I go home?” Esther asked anxiously. She didn’t want to hurt the doctor’s feelings. He and everyone else at the hospital had been very nice. But she didn’t really like it there. She wanted to go home to the farm and be with Ma and Pa and Violet and Walter and Mickey.

  Ma and the doctor looked at each other and quickly away.

  “Already in a hurry to leave, are you?” the doctor joked. “Wait ’til you taste the food.” He patted her hand. “Just rest now. You’ll go home when you’re stronger.”

  It wasn’t the answer Esther wanted, but the little bit of talking had tired her. She sighed and closed her eyes. If she couldn’t really be home, she would pretend. She would pretend she was in her own bed with Violet beside her. Walter was in the room next door, and Ma and Pa were downstairs. Mickey was sleeping in the barn where it was warm, curled up near Bruno and Fritz. And the cows were dozing nearby.

  Half asleep and muddled, Esther wondered why Ma was holding her hand. She should be sleeping downstairs with Pa. But it took too much effort to puzzle it out. It was just nice to feel Ma’s hand in hers. It was warm and strong. It made Esther feel safe, as if nothing bad could ever touch her. Ma would not let it.

  “I love you.”

  Someone spoke the words. Was it Ma? Or was it Esther herself? Esther needed to know. She struggled desperately against the heavy darkness that pulled at her. But in the end, exhausted, she gave in and slept.

  15 City Girl Again

  ESTHER SAT BY THE WINDOW AND STARED down at the street. Boys were playing stickball and two girls were drawing a hopscotch game on the sidewalk with the edge of a stone, the way she and Shirley used to do.

  Kate’s shadow fell on Esther’s lap as she came carrying a dish of custard. “It’s hard to watch, I know,” Kate said. “But soon you’ll be down there playing with them.”

  Esther took the custard and shrugged. “I don’t care really.”

  Kate’s eyebrows shot up. “I’d think after three weeks here and almost two more in that hospital, you’d be itching to get outside again.”

  Esther was glad little Henry’s wake-up whimpers took Kate speeding away. Kate and Howard and Julia had been so good to her. They had driven up to the hospital to bring her back to Chicago. They had fussed over her and fed her. Julia had even given up her bed. She was sleeping on the sofa so Esther could be comfortable. How could she tell them that all she wanted was to go back to the farm?

  She remembered how shocked she’d been when Ma told her she couldn’t go home.

  “We cannot care for you there,” Ma had said. “You know there is hardly any food. And it is so cold. No, you must go to your sisters. It is the only way.”

  “No!” Esther cried, clutching Ma’s arm. “I don’t want to. I want to stay with you and Pa. I’ll get well, I promise.”

  But Ma was firm. “It is already arranged. Kate and Howard will come tomorrow. It is best. You will see.”

  Esther gulped down a sob and sniffled. “For how long?” she asked. “When can I come back home?”

  Ma straightened Esther’s sheets. “Soon. We will all be together again soon.”

  But that had been weeks ago, and Esther was still in Chicago. She was impatient to get back. She missed everyone so much—the family, Bethany, Mickey, and Bruno. Soon she’d be so far behind in school that she’d never catch up. She had already missed the spring play. After weeks of rehearsing, someone else had gotten to be the princess. The unfairness of it made Esther’s eyes fill with tears. She wiped them away quickly, though, when she heard Julia’s footsteps on the stairs.

  “Hello, sweetie,” Julia greeted her. She gave Esther a big hug even before she took off her coat. “How are you today?”

  “All right, I guess,” Esther said.

  “Just ‘all right,’ huh?” Julia said. “Then maybe this letter will cheer you up.” She waved an envelope addressed in Pa’s straight up-and-down script. “Let me just get Kate first—”

  “Here I am,” Kate said, coming in with Henry in her arms. “Why? What is it?”

  “A letter from Pa!” Esther told her. “Read it quick, Julia. Maybe it says I can come home.” She leaned forward in her chair. Maybe she could even go home tomorrow. It wouldn’t take her long to pack.

  Julia slit the envelope and pulled out the single sheet of paper inside. Then she sat back to read.

  My Daughters,

  It means so much to Ma and me to know you are together and well. We are especially thankful Esther is growing strong and healthy again in your care.

  Esther sat up straighter and held her breath. Here was where Pa would say it was time for her to come home again. She wished Julia would read faster!

  “It has not been easy,” Julia read on, “but Ma and I have decided to sell the farm.”

  “No!” Esther jumped up from her chair. The dish of custard slid from her lap, fell to the floor, and shattered at her feet. Esther didn’t care. She stomped her foot. She shook her head, insisting over and over again, “No! No!”

  Julia flew to her side. She put an arm around Esther’s shaking shoulders. Gently she steered her past the bits of broken dish and custard. She drew her down onto the sofa beside her. Then, holding Esther tight in the circle of her arm, Julia finished the letter.

  The winter was too hard. We have no money left for seed. It is time to go back to the city and try again there. With the sale of the farm we will have enough to rent a small apartment while I look for work. We
hope to be there before the end of the month. If you could find an apartment that would do, we would be grateful.

  Love,

  Pa

  “No,” Esther whispered. “No.” But it was just like the day Pa walked off with the radio under his arm. The decision had already been made. Nothing she could do would change it. She was never going to see the farm again. She was never going to see Bethany or Mickey. They were as lost to her as Margaret. She didn’t even try to hold back her sobs.

  “Oh, Esther . . . ,” Kate said.

  Julia held her close and murmured, “Ssshhh. It will be all right.”

  But Esther knew better. Nothing would be all right. Not ever again.

  • • •

  The next two weeks were miserable ones for Esther. Kate and Julia were sympathetic. But they couldn’t help being glad the family would be together again.

  “You’re going to meet your Vogel grandparents soon,” Kate said to Henry half a dozen times a day, it seemed to Esther.

  And every day Julia hunched over the Tribune, circling advertisements for apartments, until finally she was able to report, “I’ve found the perfect place. It’s just two blocks away, and it’s empty. They can move in as soon as they arrive.”

  She invited Esther to take a walk with her to see it, but Esther shook her head. “I’m tired,” she said. Julia patted her shoulder and let her be.

  One night, Howard brought a friend home for dinner. Esther thought there was something familiar about the bearded guest. Then Howard introduced the man as Sam Rubinstein. Esther sprang out of her chair.

  “Mr. Rubinstein! I remember you. You’re Shirley’s father,” she cried. She was more excited than she’d been in weeks. Shirley was back!

  “Yes, I am,” Mr. Rubinstein said, reaching out to take her hand in his. “And I remember you, too, now. Little Esther Vogel—Shirley’s good friend. How nice that we should meet again.”

  Esther nodded. It was nice, but it was odd, too. Part of the reason she hadn’t recognized Mr. Rubinstein was that she’d never seen him in work clothes before. He’d always worn a suit. And he hadn’t had a beard back then, just a neatly trimmed mustache. “I can’t wait to see Shirley again,” she told him. “I have so much to tell her.”

  Mr. Rubinstein patted Esther’s hand before he let it go. “I only wish that Shirley were here,” he said sadly. “I miss her, too.”

  “But where is she?” Esther asked. “How come she’s not with you?”

  “Esther,” Howard said gently. “You’re asking very personal questions.”

  But Mr. Rubinstein waved a hand at him. “She’s entitled to ask. The girls were good friends, then Shirley disappeared without a word. Esther must have done a lot of wondering about her over the past year.”

  “Well, at least have a seat, Sam,” Howard said. “Then you two can talk as much as you like. I’ll go help Kate.” Howard left the room and Mr. Rubinstein sat on the sofa. He patted the cushion beside him.

  “Come and sit with me,” he invited. “I miss having a little girl at my side.”

  Esther sat down next to Mr. Rubinstein. “If Shirley isn’t here, where is she?” she dared to ask.

  “She’s with her mother and her mother’s family in Dayton, Ohio,” Mr. Rubinstein replied. “When my business failed, it meant a lot of changes for my family, I’m afraid.”

  “But how come they’re not here with you?” Esther asked softly. She was afraid she was being too personal again, but she was confused. Pa lost his job but they had stayed together.

  Mr. Rubinstein tugged on the bottom of his beard. “Miriam—Mrs. Rubinstein—has always had a lovely home and every convenience. To suddenly lose it all and be expected to move to some tiny apartment—it was just too difficult for her. She went to live with her parents until things are better.” Mr. Rubinstein looked down at his hands. They were red and scarred like Howard’s. But they had not always been that way.

  “It’s for the best,” Mr. Rubinstein added, although he didn’t sound as if he meant it. “Miriam is happier this way, and Shirley has everything she needs. I see them whenever I can. And someday, when I get back on my feet, we’ll be together again.” He smiled down at Esther. “I’ll tell Shirley I’ve seen you. She’ll have a million questions, too. Tell me what you’ve been up to.”

  Esther told him about their move to the farm. She told him about Mickey and Bethany. She told him about feeding the pigs and riding Bruno and running from the geese. She told him about her operation. And finally, she told him that the family was moving back to the city again. “I wish they weren’t,” she confided. “I loved the farm. I wanted to stay there forever.”

  Mr. Rubinstein slipped an arm around Esther’s shoulders and squeezed. “Part of growing up is accepting things the way they are. Making the best of them instead of always wishing they were different.” He took his arm away and nodded. “But I can see you’ve already learned that.”

  Howard and Kate came in then and it was time for supper. The grown-ups talked steadily throughout the simple meal. Except for a quick good-bye, Esther didn’t talk to Mr. Rubinstein again. But he had given her a lot to think about.

  Most of all she thought about Mrs. Rubinstein. How could she have left Mr. Rubinstein all alone just so she could live in a pretty house? Ma would never leave Pa. She didn’t leave him even when he took her to a home that had no electricity, no running water, and no bathroom!

  The more Esther thought about it, the more upset she became. She had thought Mrs. Rubinstein was so wonderful. She had wished and wished for Ma to be just like her. She had thought Mrs. Rubinstein knew all about loving. It wasn’t just Shirley she had hugged and kissed. She’d greeted Mr. Rubinstein that way, too. But then she had left him all alone, just so her life would stay fine and easy. That wasn’t Esther’s idea of love. How could I have been so wrong? she asked herself over and over again.

  She thought about what Mr. Rubinstein had said—that growing up meant accepting things the way they were. It meant not complaining all the time because things weren’t what you wanted. He’d said he could see she had already learned that.

  But Esther wasn’t so sure. She certainly hadn’t accepted Ma the way she was. She’d spent a whole year trying to change her—all so she would know for sure that Ma loved her. Esther had wanted to hear the words. She had wanted the hugs and the kisses. And now she realized they didn’t mean love at all.

  What was love, then? How was a person supposed to recognize it? Esther got ready for bed very slowly. Thoughts were twirling around and bumping into one another in her head. Esther could not get a firm grasp on any of them.

  She wished Julia were there. No doubt she would be able to sort out Esther’s confusion. But Julia was working the night shift that week. She slept when Esther was awake, and scurried off to the telephone company when she woke up. There would be no real time to talk until the weekend.

  • • •

  Saturday finally came. That was Julia’s day off. It was also the day Ma and Pa and Violet and Walter were coming back to Chicago. Howard had left long before dawn to get them. In spite of her sadness over losing the farm, Esther was excited by the thought that she would be with her family before the day ended. She even laughed when Henry crawled inside a cardboard box Kate had left sitting on the floor. Kate lifted him out and gave him a pot and spoon instead. Julia put the box on the table, where she packed it with food while Esther watched.

  “It’s just a few things to get you all started,” Julia said. She set a bag of sugar next to a bag of flour. Then she added a loaf of fresh-baked bread, a box of salt, some bacon, a chunk of cheese, a smaller chunk of butter, a jar of applesauce, and a dozen eggs. “There.”

  Seeing the eggs reminded Esther. “I used to gather the eggs on the farm. One hen was so mean, she’d try to peck me.”

  Julia smiled. “Your life was very different th
ere.”

  Esther nodded. “Yes. But mostly in nice ways.”

  Julia folded the flaps of the box down, closing its top. “I’m taking this over to put away before they arrive,” she said. “Want to come along?”

  Esther hesitated. Not going to the apartment didn’t change the fact that she was going to live there instead of the farm. She nodded. “All right.”

  They left Kate frosting a cake she’d baked for that night’s special supper. Henry was playing with the pot and spoon on the floor nearby. “See you later,” Esther called over his banging.

  It was a beautiful April day. The sun was shining in a bright blue sky and the temperature was warm. Esther lifted her face to the sun and took a slow, deep breath. It was good to be outside again. And it was the perfect opportunity to talk to Julia. She could ask her questions about love.

  But Esther just walked silently at Julia’s side. She realized suddenly that she didn’t want Julia’s answers. She wanted to find her own. And something inside her was telling her she was very close now. Her thoughts were like seeds planted and sprouting in dark soil. Esther could feel them growing, working their way to the surface. She just had to be patient. Like Pa had been patient when he’d waited for the crops to grow.

  Julia stopped at a green painted door. It was next to a barbershop with a red-and-white-striped pole out front. The red-striped pole next to the green door made Esther think of Christmas. Last Christmas had been such a happy time. She smiled. She would always have memories of her happy times on the farm. No one could take them away.

  Julia opened the door and led the way upstairs to the apartment above the barbershop. Esther sniffed. The hallway smelled of spicy shaving cream and hair pomade. Pleasant smells to come home to. Not like Mrs. Pulaski’s stinky sauerkraut at their old apartment building. Ugh!