MA03 Myth Directions

by Robert Asprin

  “NOTHING HAPPENED.”

  “I know it,” Aahz groaned, glaring at the D-Hopper. “That’s the trouble with relying on mechanical gadgets. The minute you rely on them, they let you down.”

  “What’s wrong?” I pressed.

  “The damn thing needs recharging,” Aahz spat. “And there’s no way we can do it before the Army gets here.”

  “Then let’s hide until ...”

  “Hide where?” my mentor snapped. “Do you want to ask one of the citizens to hide us? They might have a few questions about the Trophy we’re lugging along.”

  “Okay, you suggest something!” I snarled.

  “I’m working on it,” Aahz growled, looking around. “What we need is ... there!”

  Before I could ask what he was doing, he strode into a nearby shop, tugged an animal skin off the wall, and began wrapping it around the Trophy.

  “Terrific,” I observed dryly. “Now we have a furry Trophy. I don’t think it will fool the guards.”

  “It will, once you disguise it,” Aahz grinned.

  “I told you, I can’t,” I insisted. “It’s a metal!”

  “Not the Trophy, dummy!” he snapped. “The skin. Get to work! Change it to anything. No ... make it a wounded soldier!” I wasn’t sure it would work, but I closed my eyes and gave it a try. One wounded soldier—complete with a torn, bloodstained uniform and trailing feet.

  “Not bad, kid,” Aahz nodded, sticking the bundle under his arm.

  As usual, I couldn’t see the effects of my work. When I looked, I didn’t see an officer of the guard with a wounded comrade under his arm. I saw Aahz holding a suspiciously lumpy package.

  “Are you sure it’s okay?” I asked doubtfully.

  “Sure,” Aahz nodded. “Just ... oops! Here they come. Leave everything to me.”

  That had a suspiciously familiar ring to it, but I didn’t have many other options at the moment. The soldiers were in sight now, thundering down on us with grim scowls set fiercely on their faces.

  “That way! Quick! They’re getting away.”

  Aahz’s bellow nearly startled me out of my skin, but I held my ground. I’m almost used to his unexpected gambits—almost. “After them!” Aahz repeated. “Charlie’s hit!”

  “Who’s Charlie?” I frowned.

  “Shut up, kid,” my mentor hissed, favoring me with a glare before returning his attention to the soldiers.

  They had slowed their headlong dash and were looking down the side streets as they came, but they hadn’t changed course. The only fortunate thing was that the officer Aahz was impersonating was nowhere in sight.

  “Don’t you understand?” Aahz shouted. “They’ve got the Trophy! That way!”

  That did it. With a roar of animal rage, the soldiers wheeled and started off in the direction Aahz had indicated.

  “Boy,” I murmured in genuine admiration. “I wouldn’t want to be holding that Trophy when they caught up with me.”

  “It could be decidedly unpleasant,” Aahz agreed. “So if you don’t mind, could we be on our way? Hmmm?”

  “Oh! Right, Aahz.”

  He was already on his way, eating up great hunks of distance with his strong, hurried stride. As I hastened to keep up with him, I resolved not to ask about his plans for getting past the guards at the North gate. I was only annoying him with my constant questions, and besides, the answers only unsettled me.

  As we drew nearer to the gate, however, my nervousness grew stronger and my resolve weaker.

  “Ummm ... do you want me to change the disguise on the Trophy?” I asked tentatively.

  “No,” came the brusque reply. “But you could mess us up a little.”

  “Mess us up?” I blinked.

  “A little dirt and blood on the uniforms,” Aahz clarified. “Enough to make it look like we’ve been in a fight.”

  I wasn’t sure what he had up his sleeve, but I hastened to adjust our disguises. That isn’t as easy as it sounds, incidentally. Try closing your eyes and imagining dirty uniforms in detail while walking down a strange street at a near-trot. Fortunately, my life with Aahz had trained me to work under desperate conditions, so I completed my task just as we were coming up on the gate.

  As a tribute to my handiwork, the guard didn’t even bother to address us directly. He simply gaped at us for a moment, then started hollering for the Officer of the Guard. By the time that member appeared, we were close enough to count his teeth as his jaw dropped.

  “What’s going on here?” he demanded finally, recovering his composure.

  “Fighting in the streets,” Aahz gasped in a realistic imitation of a weary warrior. “They need your help. We’re your relief.”

  “Our relief?” the officer frowned. “But that man’s unconscious and you look like ... fighting, did you say?”

  “We’re fit enough for gate duty,” Aahz insisted, weakly pulling himself erect. “Anything to free a few more able-bodied men for the fighting.”

  “What fighting?” the officer screamed, barely suppressing an impulse to shake Aahz back to his senses.

  “Riots,” my mentor blinked. “The bookies have changed the odds on the War and won’t honor earlier bets. It’s awful.”

  The officer blanched and recoiled as if he had been struck. “But that means ... my life savings are bet on the war. They can’t do that.”

  “You’d better hurry,” Aahz insisted. “If the mobs tear the bookies apart, no one will get their money back.”

  “Follow me! All of you!” the officer bellowed, though it wasn’t necessary. The guards were already on their way. Apparently the officer wasn’t the only one with money in the bookies’ care.

  The officer started after them, then paused to sweep us with an approving stare.

  “I don’t know if you’ll get a medal for this,” he announced grimly, “but I won’t forget it. You have my personal thanks.”

  “Don’t mention it, turkey,” Aahz murmured as the man sprinted off.

  “You know, I bet he won’t forget this ... ever,” I smiled.

  “Feeling pretty smug, aren’t you, kid,” Aahz commented, cocking a critical eyebrow at me.

  “Yes,” I confirmed modestly.

  “Well, you should,” he laughed, clapping me on the back. “I think, however, we’d best celebrate at a distance.”

  “Quite right,” I agreed, gesturing grandly to the open gate. “After you.”

  “No, after you!” he countered, imitating my gesture.

  Not wanting to waste additional time arguing, we walked side by side through the now unguarded North gate of Veygus, bearing our prize triumphantly with us.

  That should have been it. Having successfully recaptured the Trophy, it should have been an easy matter to return to Ta-hoe, exchange the Trophy for Tananda, and relax in a celebration party back at Klah. I should have known better.

  Any time things seem calm and tranquil, something happens to disrupt matters. If unforeseen outside complications don’t arise, then either Aahz’s temper flares or I open my big mouth. In this case, there were no outside complications, but there our luck ran out. Neither one of us was to blame—we both were. Aahz for his temper, me for my big mouth.

  We were nearly back to the place where he had hidden Griffin, when Aahz made an unexpected request.

  “Say, kid,” he said. “How about dropping the disguises for a while.”

  “Why?” I asked logically.

  “No special reason,” he shrugged. “I just want to look at this Trophy that’s caused everyone so much trouble.”

  “Didn’t you see it back at Veygus?” I frowned.

  “Not really,” my mentor admitted. “At first I was busy chasing away the soldiers and the civilians, and after that it was something big and heavy to carry. I never really stopped to study it.”

>   It took mere seconds to remove the disguises. They’re easier to break down than to build, since I can see what the end result is supposed to look like.

  “Help yourself,” I announced.

  “Thanks, kid,” Aahz grinned, setting the Trophy down and hastily unwrapping it.

  The Trophy was as ugly as ever; not that I had expected it to change. If anything, it looked worse up close, as Aahz was doing.

  Then he backed up and looked again. Finally he walked around it, studying the monstrosity from all angles.

  For some reason, his silent scrutiny was making me uneasy. “Well, what do you think?” I asked, in an effort to get the conversation going again.

  He turned slowly to face me, and I noticed his scales were noticeably darker than normal.

  “That’s it?” he demanded, jerking a thumb over his shoulder at the statue. “That’s the Trophy? You got Tananda captured and put us through all this for a dismal hunk of sculpture like that?”

  Something clicked softly in my mind, igniting a small ember of anger. I mean, I’ve never pretended to admire the Trophy, but it had been Tananda’s choice.

  “Yes, Aahz,” I said carefully. “That’s it.”

  “Of all the dumb stunts you’ve pulled, this takes the cake!” my mentor raged. “You neglect your studies, cost us a fortune, not to mention putting everybody’s neck on the chopping block, and for what?”

  “Yes, Aahz,” I managed.

  “And Tananda! I knew she was a bit dippy, but this! I’ve got a good mind to leave her right where she is.”

  I tried to say something, but nothing came out. “All I want to hear from you, apprentice, is why!” He was looming over me now. “Even feeble minds need a motive. What did you two figure to do with this pile of junk once you stole it? Tell me that!”

  “It was going to be your birthday present!” I shouted, the dam bursting at last.

  Aahz froze stock-still, an expression of astonishment spreading slowly over his face.

  “My ... my birthday present?” he asked in a small voice.

  “That’s right, Aahz,” I growled. “Surprise. We wanted to get you something special. Something no one else had, no matter how much trouble it was. Sure was stupid of us, wasn’t it?”

  “My birthday present,” Aahz murmured, turning to stare at the Trophy again.

  “Well, it’s all over now,” I snarled savagely. “Us feeble-minded dolts bit off more than we could chew and you had to bail us out. Let’s spring Tananda and go home. Maybe then we can forget the whole thing—if you’ll let us.”

  Aahz was standing motionless with his back to me. Now that I had vented my anger, I found myself suddenly regretful for having ground it in so mercilessly.

  “Aahz?” I asked, stepping in behind him. “Hey! Com’on, we’ve got to give it back and get Tananda.”

  Slowly he turned his head until our gazes met. There was a faraway light in his eyes I had never seen before.

  “Give it back?” he said softly. “What da ya mean ‘Give it back’? That’s my birthday present!”

  I HAD attended war councils before. I hadn’t been wild about it as a pastime even then, but I had done it. On those occasions, however, our side was the only one with the vaguest skills in magik. This time, all three sides would have magicians in attendance. My joy knew definite bounds; in fact, I didn’t want to be there at all.

  “Maybe they won’t come,” I suggested hopefully.

  “With their precious Trophy on the line?” Aahz grinned. “Not a chance. They’ll be here.”

  “If they got the messages,” I corrected. “Griffin may have just headed for the horizon.”

  My mentor cocked an eyebrow at me. “Think back to the days before you were an apprentice, kid,” he suggested. “If a magician gave you a message to deliver, would you try to get away?”

  “Well ...” I conceded.

  “They’ll be here,” he concluded firmly. “I just hope Quigley gets here first.”

  My last hope gone, I resigned myself to the meeting and turned my attention to our immediate surroundings.

  “Can you at least tell me why we’re meeting here?” I asked. “Why not in the forest where we’d have some trees to duck behind if things get ugly? What’s so special about this statatorium?”

  “That’s stadium, kid,” my mentor corrected, rolling his eyes. “And there’re three good reasons to set up the meeting here. First of all, both the Veygans and the Ta-hoers know where it is. Second, they both acknowledge it as neutral ground.”

  “And third?” I prompted.

  “You said it yourself,” Aahz shrugged. “There’s no cover. Nothing at all to hide behind.”

  “That’s good?”

  “Think it through, kid,” my mentor sighed. “If we can hide behind a tree, so could someone else. The difference is, they have more people to hide.”

  “You mean they might try to ambush us?” I blinked.

  “It’s a possibility. I only hope that having the meeting in the open like this will lower the probability.”

  One thing I have to admit about Aahz. Any time I’m nervous, I can count on him to say just the right thing to convert my nervousness to near-hysteric panic.

  “Um ... Aahz,” I began carefully. “Isn’t it about time you let me in on this master plan of yours?”

  “Sure,” my mentor grinned. “We’re going to have a meeting with representatives from both Veygus and Ta-hoe.”

  “But what are you going to say to them?” I pressed.

  “You’re missing the point, kid. The reason I’m meeting with both of them at once is because I don’t want to have to repeat myself. Now, if I explain everything to you now, I’ll only have to repeat myself at the meeting. Understand?”

  “No,” I announced bluntly. “I don’t. I’m supposed to be your apprentice, aren’t I? Well, how am I going to help out if I don’t know what’s going on?”

  “That’s a good point,” Aahz conceded. “I wish you had raised it earlier.”

  “Because now it’s too late. Our guests are arriving.”

  I turned to look in the direction he was pointing and discovered he was right. A small group had emerged from one of the entrances halfway up the side of the stadium and was filing down the stairs toward the field where we were waiting. Watching them descend, I was struck again by the enormity of the stadium. I had realized it was large when we first arrived and I saw the rows and rows of seats circling the field. Now, however, seeing how tiny the group looked in this setting made me all the more aware of exactly how large the stadium really was. As we waited, I tried to imagine the seats filled with thousands upon thousands of people all staring down at the field and the very thought of it made me uneasy. Fortunately, the odds of my ever actually seeing it were very very low.

  The group was close enough now for us to distinguish between individuals. This didn’t do us much good, though, as we didn’t know any of the individuals involved. I finally recognized Griffin in their ranks, and from that figured out it was the Ta-hoe delegation approaching. Once I realized that, I managed to spot Quigley bringing up the rear. I would have recognized him sooner, but he was disguised as a Jahk, which threw me for a moment. Actually, it made sense. I mean, Aahz and I were currently disguised as Jahks, so it was only logical that Quigley would also be hiding his extra-dimensional origins as well. Sometimes it bothers me that I seem to habitually overlook the obvious.

  “That’s far enough!” Aahz boomed.

  The group halted obediently a stone’s throw away. It occurred to me it might be better if they were a little more than a stone’s throw away, but I kept quiet.

  “We’re ready to discuss the return of the Trophy,” one of the delegates called, stepping forward.

  “We’re not,” my mentor retorted.

  This caused a minor stir in the group
and they began to mumble darkly among themselves.

  “Aahz!” I urged.

  “What I mean to say,” Aahz added hastily, “is that what we have to say will wait until the other delegation arrives. In the meantime, I wish a word with your Master Magician.”

  There was a brief huddle, then Quigley came forward to join us. Even at a distance I could see he was upset.

  “Hi, Quigley,” Aahz grinned. “How’s tricks?”

  “I certainly hope you have an explanation for this,” the ex-demon hunter snapped, ignoring the cordial greeting.

  “Explanation for what?” my mentor countered innocently.

  “You promised ... or rather, Master Skeeve did ... that you two wouldn’t do anything to endanger my job.”

  “And we haven’t,” Aahz finished.

  “Yes, you have!” Quigley insisted. “The Council expects me to use my magik to get the Trophy away from you at this meeting. If I don’t, I can kiss my job goodbye.”

  “Don’t worry,” my mentor soothed. “We’ve taken that into account.”

  “We have?” I murmured in wonder.

  Aahz shot me a black look and continued.

  “I guarantee that by the end of the meeting the Council won’t expect you to perform any magik against us.”

  “You mean you’ll give the Trophy back voluntarily?” Quigley asked, brightening noticeably. “I must say that’s decent of you.”

  “No, it isn’t,” Aahz corrected, “and we’re not going to give it back. All I said was they wouldn’t expect you to get it for them with magik.”

  “But ...”

  “The reason I wanted to talk with you,” Aahz interrupted, “was to clarify a little something from our previous conversation.”

  “What’s that?” Quigley frowned.

  “Well, you promised to release Tananda if the Trophy was returned. Now, if Ta-hoe has a change to take the Trophy back ... and then doesn’t do it, is the deal still on? Will you let her go?”

  “I ... I suppose so,” the ex-demon hunter acquiesced, gnawing his lip. “But I can’t imagine them not wanting it.”