MA03 Myth Directions

by Robert Asprin

  “You know about the Demons?” the Geek asked eagerly. “If you do, it’s a deal. With inside info, I could be the only one at the Bazaar with the data to fix the real odds.”

  “Done!” my mentor declared. “We’re the Demons.”

  That got him. The Geek sagged back in his chair for a moment, open mouthed. Then he cocked his head at us. “You mean, you’re financing the team?”

  “We are the team ... or part of it. We’re still putting it together.” The Deveel started to say something, then changed his mind.

  Rising silently, he headed for the door, hesitated with one hand on the knob, then left without saying a word.

  Somehow, I found his reaction ominous.

  “How ‘bout that, kid,” Aahz chortled. “I got the information without paying a cent!”

  “I don’t like the way he looked,” I announced, still staring at the door.

  “Com’on. Admit it! I just got us a pretty good deal.”

  “Aahz?” I said slowly. “What is it you always told me about dealing with Deveels?”

  “Hmmm? Oh, you mean, ‘If you think you’ve made a good deal with a Deveel ...!’” He broke off, his jubilance fading.

  “‘First count your fingers, then your limbs, then your relatives!” I finished for him. “Are you sure you got a good deal?” Our eyes met, and neither of us were smiling.

  WE WERE still pondering our predicament, when Chumly interrupted our thoughts.

  “You blokes do seem to be having a bit of difficulty,” he said, draping an arm around both of our shoulders. “But if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, could you enlighten me as to what all this has to do with Tananda?”

  Normally, this would sound like a casual request. When one pauses to consider, however, that the casual request was coming from a troll half again as tall as we were, and capable of mashing our heads like normal folks squash grapes, the request takes on a high priority no matter how politely it’s phrased.

  “Well, you know this game we’re talking about?” Aahz began uneasily.

  “Tananda’s the prize,” I finished lamely.

  Chumly was silent. Then his grip on my shoulder tightened slightly.

  “Forgive me,” he smiled. “For a moment there I thought you said my little sister is the prize in some primitive, spectator brawl.”

  “Actually,” Aahz explained hastily, trying to edge away, “the kid, here, was there when she was captured.”

  “... but it was Aahz that got her involved in the game,” I countered, edging in the other direction.

  “You chaps got her into this?” the troll asked softly, his grip holding us firmly in place. “I thought you were trying to rescue her.”

  “Whoa! Everybody calm down!” Gus ordered, stepping into the impending brawl. “Nobody wrecks this place but me. Chumly, let’s all sit down and hear this from the top.”

  I was pretty calm myself ... at least, I wasn’t about to start a fight.

  Still, Gus’s suggestion was a welcome change in direction from the one the conversation was headed in.

  This time, I needed no prompting to let Aahz do the talking. While he gets trapped in oversights from time to time, if given free rein, he can and has talked us out of some seemingly impossible situations. This was no exception. Though he surprised me by sticking to the truth, by the time he was done, Chumly’s frozen features had softened to a thoughtful stare.

  “I must say,” the troll commented finally, “it seems little sister has done it to herself this time. You seem to have tried everything you could to affect her release.”

  “We could give the Trophy back,” I suggested. Aahz kicked me under the table.

  “Out of the question,” Chumly snorted. “It’s Aahz’s gift fair and square. If Tananda got herself in trouble acquiring it, that’s bloody well her problem. You can’t expect Aahz to feel responsible.”

  “Yes, I can,” I corrected.

  “No,” the troll declared. “The only acceptable solution is to trounce these blighters soundly at their own game. I trust you’ll allow me to fill a position on your team?”

  “I’d had my hopes,” my mentor grinned.

  “Count me in, too,” Gus announced, flexing his stone wings. “Can’t let you all go into a brawl like this without my steadying influence.”

  “See, kid?” Aahz grinned. “Things are looking up already.”

  “Say, Aahz,” I said carefully. “It occurs to me ... you know that Rider position? Well, it seems to me we’d have a big psychological advantage if our Rider was sitting on top of a dragon.”

  “You’re right.”

  “Aw, com’on, Aahz! Just because Gleep’s a bit ... Did you say ‘you’re right’?”

  “Right. Affirmative. Correct,” my mentor nodded. “Sometimes you come up with some pretty good ideas.”

  “Gee, Aahz ...”

  “... but not that stupid little dragon of yours,” he insisted. “We’re going to use that monster we got with Big Julie’s army.”

  “But Aahz ...”

  “But Aahz nothing! Com’on, Gus! Close up shop here. We’re heading for Klah to pick up a dragon!”

  Now, Klah is my home dimension, and no matter what my fellow dimension travelers say, I think it’s a pretty nice one to live in. Still, after spending extensive time in some other dimensions, however pleasantly familiar the sights of Klah seem, they do look a little drab.

  Aahz had surprised me by bringing us well north of Possletum, instead of at our own quarters in the Royal Palace. I inquired about this, and for a change my mentor gave me a straight answer.

  “It’s all in how you set the D-Hopper,” he explained. “You’ve got eight dials to play with, and they let you control both which dimension you’re going to as well as where you are when you arrive.”

  “Does that mean we could use it to go from one place to another in the same dimension?” I asked.

  “Hmmm,” Aahz frowned. “I really don’t know. It never occurred to me to try. We’ll have to check into it sometime.”

  “Well then, why did you pick this arrival point?”

  “That’s easy,” my mentor grinned, gesturing at our colleagues. “I wasn’t sure what our reception at the palace would be like if we arrived with a troll and a gargoyle.”

  He had me there. At the Bazaar disguises had been unnecessary, and I had gotten so used to seeing strange beings around me it had completely slipped my mind that our group would be a strange sight to the average Klahd.

  “Sorry, Aahz,” I flushed. “I forgot.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” my mentor waved. “If it had been important I would have said something to you before we left the Bazaar. I just wanted to shake you up a little to remind you to pay attention to details. The real reason we’re here instead of at the palace is, we want to see Big Julie, and I’m too lazy to walk the distance if we could cover it with the D-Hopper.”

  Despite his reassurances, I got to work correcting my oversight.

  To redeem myself, I decided to show Aahz I had been practicing during my tour with Tananda. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on disguising Gus and Chumly at the same time.

  “Not bad, kid,” Aahz commented. “They’re a little villainous looking, but acceptable.”

  “I thought it would help us avoid trouble if they looked a little mean,” I explained modestly.

  “Not bad?” Chumly snarled. “I look like a Klahd!”

  “I think you look cute as a Klahd,” Gus quipped.

  “Cute? CUTE?” Chumly bristled. “Who ever heard of a cute troll? I say, Aahz, is this really necessary?”

  “Unfortunately, yes,” my mentor replied, his grin belying his expression of sympathy. “Remember, you aren’t supposed to be a troll just now. Just a humble citizen of this lower than humble dimension.”

  “Why ar
en’t you disguised?” the troll asked suspiciously, obviously unconvinced.

  “I’m already known around here as the apprentice of the Court Magician,” Aahz countered innocently. “Folks are used to seeing me like this.”

  “Well,” Chumly grumbled, “there’ll be bloody Hell to pay if anyone I know sees me looking like this.”

  “If anyone you know sees you like this, they won’t recognize you,” I pointed out cautiously.

  The troll thought about that for a moment, then slowly nodded his head.

  “I suppose you’re right,” he conceded at last. “Let’s off to find this Big Julie, hmmm? The less time I spend looking like this, the better.”

  “Don’t get your hopes too high,” Aahz cautioned. “We’re going to do our training in this dimension, so you might as well get used to being a Klahd for a while.”

  “Bloody Hell,” was the only reply.

  * * *

  True to his plans for retirement, Big Julie was relaxing on the lawn of his cottage, drinking wine when we arrived. To the casual observer, he might seem nothing more than a spindly old man basking in the sun. Then again, the casual observer wouldn’t have known him when he was commanding the mightiest army ever to grace our dimension. This was probably just as well. Julie was still hiding from a particularly nasty batch of loan sharks who were very curious as to why he and his men gave up soldiering ... and hence their ability to pay back certain old gambling debts.

  “Aye! Hello boys!” he boomed, waving enthusiastically. “Long time no see, ya know? Pull up a chair and have some wine. What brings you out this way, eh?”

  “A little bit of pleasure and a lot of business,” Aahz explained, casually gathering to his bosom the only pitcher of wine in sight. We’ve got a little favor to ask.”

  “If it’s mine, it’s yours,” Julie announced. “What da ya need?”

  “Is there any more wine?” I asked hastily.

  Long years of experience had taught me not to expect Aahz to share a pitcher of wine. One was barely enough for him. “Sure. I got lots. Badaxe is inside now getting some.”

  “Badaxe?” Aahz frowned. “What’s he doing here?”

  “At the moment, wondering what you’re doing here,” came a booming voice.

  We all turned to find the shaggy-mountain form of Possletum’s General framed in the doorway of the cottage, a pitcher of wine balanced in each hand. Hugh Badaxe always seemed to me to be more beast than man, though I’ll admit his curly dark hair and beard when viewed in conjunction with his favorite animal skin cloak contributed greatly to the image. Of course, beasts didn’t use tools, while Badaxe definitely did. A massive double-edged axe dangled constantly from his belt, at once his namesake and his favorite tool of diplomacy.

  “We just dropped in to have a few words with Big Julie here,” my mentor replied innocently.

  “What about?” the general demanded. “I thought we agreed that all military matters would be brought to me before seeking Big Julie’s advice. I am the Commander of Possletum’s army, you know.”

  “Now Hugh,” Julie soothed, “the boys just wanted to ask me for a little favor, that’s all. If it involved the army, they would’ve come to you. Right, boys?”

  Aahz and I nodded vigorously. Gus and Chumly looked blank.

  We had overlooked briefing them on General Badaxe and his jealousies regarding power.

  “You see?” Julie continued. “Now sit down and have some wine while I talk to the boys. Now, then, Aahz, what sort of favor can I do for you?”

  “Nothing much,” my mentor shrugged. “We were wondering if we could borrow your dragon for a little while.”

  “My dragon? What do you need my dragon for? You’ve already got a dragon.”

  “We need a big dragon,” Aahz evaded.

  “A big dragon?” Julie echoed, frowning. “It sounds like you boys are into something dangerous.”

  “Don’t worry,” I interjected confidently. “I’ll be riding the dragon in the game, so nothing ...”

  “Game?” Badaxe roared. “I knew it. You’re going into a war game without even consulting me.”

  “It’s not a war game,” I insisted.

  “Yes, it is,” Aahz corrected.

  “It is?” I blinked.

  “Think about it, kid,” my mentor urged. “Any spectator sport with teams is a form of war gaming.”

  “Then why wasn’t I informed?” Badaxe blustered. “As Commander of Possletum’s armed forces, any war games to be held fall under my jurisdiction.”

  “General,” Aahz sighed, “the game isn’t going to be played in this kingdom.”

  “Any military ... oh!” Badaxe paused, confused by this turn of events. “Well, if it involves any members of my army ...”

  “It doesn’t,” my mentor interrupted. “This exercise only involves a five-man team, and we’ve filled it without drawing on the army’s resources.”

  A bell went off in my mind. I ran a quick check, which only confirmed my fears.

  “Um ... Aahz ...” I began.

  “Not now, kid,” he growled. “You see, general, all your paranoid fears were ...”

  “Aahz!” I insisted.

  “What is it?” my mentor snarled, turning on me.

  “We haven’t got five players, only four.”

  “FOUR?” Aahz echoed blankly.

  “I count real good up to five,” I informed him loftily. “And you, me, Gus and Chumly only make four. See? One, two, three ...”

  “All right! I get the message,” my mentor interrupted, scowling at our two comrades. “Say Gus! I don’t suppose Berfert’s along, is he?”

  “Com’on, Aahz,” I chided, “we can’t claim a salamander as a team member.”

  “Shut up, kid. How ‘bout it, Gus?”

  “Not this time,” the gargoyle shrugged. “He ran into a lady friend of his, and they decided to take a vacation together.”

  “A lady friend?” Aahz asked, arching an eyebrow.

  “That’s right,” Gus nodded. “You might say she’s an old flame.”

  “An old flame,” the troll grinned. “I say, that’s rather good.”

  For a change, I got the joke, and joined Gus and Chumly in a hearty round of laughter, while Badaxe and Julie looked puzzled. Aahz rolled his eyes in exasperation.

  “That’s all I need,” he groaned. “One member short, and the ones I’ve got are half-wits. When you’re all quite through, I’m open to suggestions as to where we’re going to find a fifth team member.”

  “I’ll fill the position,” Badaxe said calmly.

  “You?” I gulped, my laughter forgotten.

  “Of course,” the general nodded. “It’s my duty.”

  “Maybe I didn’t make myself clear,” Aahz interjected. “Possletum isn’t involved in this at all.”

  “But its magician and his apprentice are,” Badaxe added pointedly. “You’re both citizens of Possletum, and rather prominent citizens at that. Like it or not, my duty is to protect you with any means at my disposal—and in this case, that means me.”

  I hadn’t thought of that. In a way, it was kind of nice. Still, I wasn’t wild about the general putting himself in danger on our account.

  “Ummm ... I appreciate your offer, general,” I began carefully, “but the game’s going to be played a long way from here.”

  “If you can survive the journey, so can I,” Badaxe countered firmly.

  “But you don’t understand!”

  “Kid,” Aahz interrupted in a thoughtful tone, “why don’t you introduce him to his potential teammates?”

  “What? Oh, I’m sorry. General Badaxe, this is Gus, and that’s Chumly.”

  “No,” my mentor smiled. “I mean introduce him.”

  “Oh!” I said. “General, meet the rest of our team.”
r />   As I spoke, I dropped the disguise spell, revealing both gargoyle and troll in their true forms.

  “Gus!” Big Julie roared. “I thought I recognized your voice.”

  “Hi, Julie!” the gargoyle waved. “How’s retirement?”

  “Pretty dull. Hey, help yourself to some wine!”

  “Thanks.”

  Gus stepped forward and took the two pitchers of wine from the general’s nerveless grip, passing one to Chumly. It occurred to me that I was the only one of the crew who wasn’t getting a drink out of this.

  The general was transfixed, his eyes darting from gargoyle to troll and back again. He had paled slightly, but to his credit he hadn’t given ground an inch.

  “Well, Badaxe,” Aahz grinned, “still want to join the team?” The general licked his lips nervously, then tore his eyes away from Gus and Chumly.

  “Certainly,” he announced. “I’d be proud to fight alongside such ... worthy allies. That is, if they’ll have me.”

  That dropped it in our laps.

  “What do you think, Skeeve?” Aahz asked. “You’re the boss.”

  Correction. That dropped it in my lap. Aahz had an annoying habit of yielding leadership just when things got sticky. I was beginning to suspect it wasn’t always coincidence.

  “Well, Lord Magician?” Badaxe rumbled. “Will you accept my services for this expedition?”

  I was stuck. No one could deny Badaxe’s value in a fight, but I had never warmed to him as a person. As a teammate ...

  “Gleep!”

  The warning wasn’t soon enough! Before I could brace myself, I was hit from behind by a massive force and sent sprawling on my face. The slimy tongue worrying the back of my head and the accompanying blast of incredibly bad breath could only have one source.

  “Gleep!” my pet announced proudly, pausing briefly in his efforts to reach my face.

  “What’s that stupid dragon doing here?” Aahz bellowed, unmoved by our emotional reunion.

  “Ask Badaxe,” Julie grinned. “He brought him.”

  “He did?” my mentor blinked, momentarily stunned out of his anger.