Everybody Is Awful_Except You!

by Jim Florentine

  “I’m just asking to get a general idea of what everyone will be wearing.”

  “It’ll be something between a pair of sweats and a gown. Does that help?”

  “Well, can you find out for sure?”

  “No. What if we didn’t know anyone, what would you wear?”

  “Fucking asshole!”

  SLAM! The bathroom door closes on your face! Sounds like it’s going to be a fun night, huh?

  It doesn’t matter what she wears since it won’t fit because she’s been eating garbage holiday food for two weeks. That makes her miserable. She’s bloated from all the cake and ice cream she shoveled down her throat and needs reassurance from you she still looks good. Now, you have to lie your ass off.

  “Do I look fat to you?”

  “Compared to who?”

  “Did I put weight on? I feel fat. I shouldn’t have eaten so much over the holidays. Would you tell me if I was fat? Just be honest with me. I look way too fat in this, don’t I?”

  If you’re a man and you find yourself in this situation take the fifth like you’re getting questioned by the police and you’re waiting for your lawyer to arrive. Just shut your mouth and let her ramble on, eventually she’ll calm down and turn her attention to you and your clothes.

  “You’re going to wear that?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I don’t know if that is something you want to wear to a New Year’s Eve party.”

  Again, don’t argue. Don’t comment! At this point, you’ll be thinking about saying something real mean.

  Something like, “I’m going to make sure there is enough air in the tires, so we don’t have a blowout on the way to the party since you gained a lot weight recently!”

  Yay! Happy Fucking New Year!

  Rehashing Resolutions

  New Year’s resolutions are another awful thing I hate! If people wanted to change, they wouldn’t wait until the first day of the year. Why do you have to start on January 1? Start now, whatever day it is!

  Honestly, it doesn’t matter the day, nobody sticks with the resolutions. Even though they swear, they will make big changes!

  “No, this year is going to be to be different.”

  NO, NOTHING IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT!

  Your list of resolutions is a fantasy! Don’t bother writing one this year. You don’t have to because I’ve already written one for you.

  Florentine’s Awful Resolution List

  This year…

  You will not change your job.

  You will not get out of that bad relationship you’re in.

  You will not spend more time with friends and family.

  You will not be nicer to your spouse.

  You will not cut back on drinking.

  You will not cut back on shopping.

  You will not pay off your credit cards.

  You will not have the balls to ask for that raise at work.

  You will not give up coffee.

  You will not cut back on sugar.

  You will not start the paleo diet.

  You will not read more books this year.

  You will not take more walks.

  You will not start that garden you always wanted to start.

  You will not do anything on your fucking corny bucket list.

  You will not start charity work.

  You will not work in the soup kitchen.

  You will not go back to church.

  You will not have a garage sale in the spring.

  You will not get down to your high school weight.

  You will not take an interest in your significant other’s hobbies.

  Stop lying to yourself! None of this shit will happen and if you can accept that, you won’t walk around feeling awful next year.

  The only thing that will change this year is how you write the date. You need to change the year by one digit. That’s it!

  Accept that you’re a procrastinator and you’re not doing a damn thing to change your life! Enjoy your New Year’s Eve. Have a few cocktails, hopefully get laid, and when you wake up take a nice big shit in the morning! That’s how you start the New Year right!

  THE AWFUL AFTERWORD

  If you’ve read this far, you’ve read more books than me. Congratulations!

  Here’s the thing. You just read hundreds of pages about shit I hate. Facebook Freaks. Instagram Exhibitionists. Distracted Drivers. Shitty Superstitions.

  But know this, I don’t hate everything!

  I say this because some people take things so personally that they forget what it means to make fun of things. I’m a comedian and I’ve learned that the best humor is found in tension. The tension between what you think is right and what I think is wrong. When we argue about those things we can walk away wounded and pissed off, or we can accept our disagreements and find the humor right in the center of our biggest differences.

  One guy confronted me the other day.

  “Florentine, you’re a fucking asshole! I use to love ketchup but you made fun of it, and said it was only for kids, and now I can’t eat it without feeling like an idiot. You’ve ruined ketchup for me!”

  Don’t let anyone change your mind about the things you love! If it isn’t obvious by now, I love heavy metal. If someone made fun of me for loving metal, it wouldn’t change a damn thing. Okay, this dude doesn’t like heavy metal. I’m not going to run home and throw away all my heavy metal albums or my vast collection of concert T-shirts. Fuck no!

  Put things in perspective—we have to laugh about shit that annoys us because life throws a lot of awful shit our way. Sometimes it’s hard to have fun at all, so we have to take advantage of every opportunity to do it while we can.

  If any of this gets under your skin. Let it go, relax, and laugh!

  Most of all, be yourself. Just remember what I titled this book Everybody Is Awful (Except You!). You’re not awful, it’s the other guy, and we are all hilarious motherfuckers!

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I want to thank my manager Jonathan Brandstein. It’s coming up on twelve years and counting that I’m lucky to have the best manager in the business. Julia Buchwald for believing in a creep like me. Jud Laghi for getting this nonsense together and getting it sold as a book. Mark Jones for all your hard work shaping this book up and stopping me from looking like an illiterate ass. Chris Laker and Myka Fox for helping me get these ramblings of a madman into book form. Mike Berkowitz, Marcus Levy, Danielle Esparza, and everyone at APA agency. Pete Pappalardo, Rick Dorfman, and Tony Burton. Don Jamieson for being my partner in crime the last two decades. Eddie Trunk for getting us two clowns on That Metal Show and having a blast for seven years. My family for believing in me since day one: Joe, Bob, Dan, Dianne, Linda, and Kathy. My mom, who is the strongest person I’ve ever met. I love you. All my nieces and nephews: Danny, Erica, Joey, Lia, Elyse, Paula, Jenna, Tom, Mike, George, Joseph, and also Big George, Bruce, Fran, Trish. My comic friends who make me laugh every day: Jim Norton, Keith Robinson, Rich Vos, Bob Levy, Vinnie Brand, Eric McMahon, Chad Zumock, Joe Howard, Chuck Mignanelli, Artie Fletcher, Artie Lange, Dean Delray, Bill Burr, Robert Kelly, Lenny Marcus, Kevin Brennan, Kate Quigley, Rachel Feinstein, Amy Schumer, Marina Franklin, Nikki Glaser, Bonnie McFarlane, Morgan Murphy, Mike Morse, Nick Diapolo, Laura Levitis, Colin Quinn, Craig Gass. My dirt-bag friends: Gary from Fla, Tom Jannarone, Tony Bondi, Kevin Corrigan, Steve Iskowitz, Gary Bradley, Tim O’Neill, Scott Capizanno, Rudy Sarzo, Scott Crocco, Chuck Crocco, Club Soda Kenny, Dave from Fla, Brian Hyland, John Pavlick, Marc Labelle, Dan The Song Parody Man, Steve Schott, Steve Mohn, Brian Slagel, Joe Tetro. I want to thank the following radio shows around the country for having me on whenever I came to town: Opie and Anthony, Johnny Dare, Paul and Young Ron, Todd and Tyler, Ron Bennington, Tom Bernard, The Woody Show, Rover, Mike Calta, Sid Rosenberg, Bubba The Love Sponge, Scott Ferrall, Kidd Chris, Preston and Steve, Angelo Cataldi, 98 Rock Morning Show in Baltimore, The Regular Guys, Pugs N Kelly, Waking Up to the Wolf, The Rizzuto Show, G
ooch at 92.3 Komp, Bob & Tom, Shredd & Ragan, Jeff Zito, The Monsters in the Morning, and of course, Howard Stern. He is the sole reason my career took off and if it wasn’t for him believing in me I would be selling used cars for a living today. RIP Uncle Donald, Mrs. Balzano, Otto and George, Lemmy.

  I want to thank my ex-wife for giving me the gift of my son Luke. There is no greater joy in the world than what I get from that kid every day. (Well, maybe if the original Black Sabbath did one last show together.) He is an amazing human being and I hope one day when he reads this book he will not feel the same rage his dad has! Haha!