by Besa Mwaba
Jefferson smiled. He smiled because each time he saw Nawa, he was always in a jacket regardless of the weather. He said good bye and headed straight to his office.
Jefferson usually utilized the quiet Saturday mornings to catch up on work that had remained unattended to during the week. He also used the mornings to reflect on his personal life as well.
Just as he was about to enter his office, he found yet a third teacher waiting to see him.
“Good morning Juma, what are you doing here today, on a Saturday?” he asked.
“I took my assignment on finding ways of stopping teacher-pupil relationships very seriously. So I came to see you in order to present to you my method of doing so.”
Jefferson smiled. He invited Juma into his office. Both sat down and Jefferson asked, “So what have you got for me?”
Quickly, Juma produced a document and slid it across to Jefferson across the table.
“Is this my report already?” he asked.
“No sir. That is the tool that I shall use to get the data that shall indicate who must be targeted for reform.”
“This looks like a questionnaire,” said Jefferson, flipping through the pages.
“A post- survey analysis of the responses will indicate qualities in respondents who appear pre-disposed to the traits under scrutiny,” replied Juma, spluttering terminology that he had been carefully coached to use by Violet.
Jefferson nodded his head.
“With your permission, I shall distribute the questionnaire to every teacher at this school.”
“You got it.”
“Then I shall leave that one in your hands for you to fill in. Since you are not being examined in this regard, your answers will only help me as a control mechanism.”
In an instant, Juma flew out of the office. Jefferson threw the questionnaire into his drawer, preferring to deal with it later. He shifted his attention to the in tray and began by approving requests for petty cash. He then turned his attention to leave applications. He approved two, and turned down two.
*****
Moses was having trouble trying to convince Maria that the light complexioned woman wearing a mini skirt and sitting on his bed was his aunt. Maria had turned up at his house unexpected at around midnight.
“Err…sweetheart…this is my aunt,” said Moses to no one in particular. The two women eyed each other suspiciously, each assuming the other to be Moses’ aunt being referred to.
Maria was concerned that she had found Moses alone with his scantily dressed, beer smelling aunt in the bedroom. She knew that there were indeed such aunts in families, but Moses had never mentioned anything to her. Maria also noticed that Moses’ aunt was staring unhappily at her.
Because Moses had tried in the recent past to end his relationship with her, Maria decided not to cause trouble with questions. This drunken aunt of his could influence him to leave her for good. She needed to get her onto her side. She wasn’t sure how.
Cynthia on the other hand was unhappy with the way Moses’ aunt was staring at her. Moses had said she was his aunt, so she was his aunt. Otherwise she could have corrected him. Cynthia noticed that Moses’ aunt looked a bit too young to be an aunt. She would be better placed as a niece.
Cynthia had no intention of seeking clarification on the matter. The last thing that she wanted was for Moses’ aunt to shout “prostitute” at that hour. That would attract a serious gathering of a crowd in the teachers’ compound, which would be followed by a guaranteed clothes stripping and beating.
“Sweetheart, where will your aunt sleep?”
CHAPTER EIGHT
Where were you born?
a.Hospital/ health center
b.Bush
c.Brothel
d.Grandfather’s hut
Headmaster Jefferson scanned through the list of answers on Juma’s questionnaire. After listening to Juma as he introduced his questionnaire, his confidence in acting on it had grown. He was curious to know what exactly Juma would be looking for, and how he would interpret the answers. A quick scan through it had showed that it was well arranged. Now Jefferson wanted to answer it and get it out of the way.
This particular question wasn’t wrong in itself, just awkward. It appeared to have taken a sudden twist from the earlier questions which he had answered happily enough. He had written “55” in the gap where he was supposed to indicate his age. He had also answered questions to do with his family and education background. He quickly ticked “Hospital/ healthy center” and then looked at the next question.
Were you ever taught by a female teacher?
a.Yes
b.No
He ticked “Yes.”
How big was your favorite female teacher’s bosom?
a.Tiny
b.Medium
c.Massive
Jefferson was alarmed. He desperately looked for “No idea” but it was not there. If he ticked “massive”, someone would interpret it as an attempt to justify the huge size of his wife’s bosom. If he ticked “tiny” it would appear as though he was regretting his wife’s bosom size. He ticked “medium”.
How best would you describe a school girl’s buttocks?
a.Soft
b.Hard
c.Jelly-like
Jefferson was bewildered. Whichever answer he ticked would raise questions regarding how he knew what a school girl’s buttocks would feel like. He had decided to leave the question unanswered when he realized that he had earlier signed that he would answer all questions truthfully to the best of his knowledge. He looked at the question again and jiggled with “soft” and “jelly-like” in his mind. In protest, he ticked “hard.”
The next question startled him.
When looking at school girls, do you tickle your private parts?
“This is a damn disrespectful way of enforcing school ethics,” Jefferson muttered to himself as he looked for “No”. He noticed in anger that the only answers available were “a bit”, “enough” and “too much”. He ticked “a bit.”
How often do you fantasize about sleeping with school girls?
a.A bit
b.Enough
c.Too much
He did not like this questionnaire at all, but he still had sworn to answer it. In order to sound consistent, he ticked “a bit” again.
He looked at the next question.
Which girl type do you often fantasize about?
a.Slim
b.Fat
c.None of the above
In a hurry, he ticked “none of the above” before it disappeared from the damn questionnaire. It was only then that he realized that he had walked into a trap. His answer was not at all consistent with his previous answers. He furiously started to erase his answer with a rubber in order to make his responses appear consistent by ticking “fat”. His answer stubbornly refused to go away and he only succeeded in making the paper dirty. He knew that this would only make him look unreliable. In fury, he hurled the questionnaire back into his drawer.
*****
IT was a few minutes before dinner preparations were due to start that same Saturday that Nawa arrived with two men in blue overalls. The men were caring a black bag each.
“Which pot has been giving you problems?” Nawa asked the cook. The cook pointed to a large electric pot in between two other pots.
Turning to the two men in blue overalls, Nawa said, “Alright. Can you get down to work. Check all the electric problems and fix them.”
“Yes boss,” the two men responded.
“But I think your men should wait until dinner is prepared first. The pupils will start making noise if we delay again today,” observed the cook.
“Look old man, I have the authority here. You have been sitting on this problem for a long time. In fact, I should charge you for this negligence.”
The cook nodded and then took a seat in the corner of the kitchen.
“Alright guys, get to work,” Nawa ordered the two men.
The first man opened his bag and removed some tools from there. He then positioned himself in between the two large pots, kneeling under the faulty one to make accessibility easier as Nawa nodded his head with satisfaction that work had finally started.
“It is a simple matter,” he announced as he poked his screw driver into some hidden point under the pot, and found himself thrown violently to the ground by the strong current. He lay in that same position panting as the others watched in horror.
“Maybe switch the electricity supply to the pot off first,” offered the cook looking worried.
“Yes,” agreed the second man, standing next to Nawa.
“No,” the first man protested, getting up off the floor.
He stood up and then looked at the pot again, then at his fellow electrician and then at the pot yet again.
“Zulu you fix the pot, I need to urinate first,” the first man said to the second.
“No Chola, you must do it. I have diarrhea,” the second answered.
The two stared at each other, each waiting for the other to fix the problem.
“I am not touching that pot again,” said the first man.
Nawa cleared his throat and said, “Maybe the two of you should divide yourselves so that this job finishes quickly. One of you should go outside the kitchen to switch off power…”
Before Nawa could finish, the two men were scrambling against each other trying to force themselves past the door to carry out the latest suggestion.
“These boys are experts. They know their job very well. They will fix everything here. You will see,” Nawa said to the cook, trying to reassure him with a forced weak smile.
“Nawa my friend, these boys do not know what they are doing. They will only burn themselves up.”
“And how would you, a cook, know this?”
“I had been a school cook for a primary school for ten years before upgrading to being a secondary school cook. Now I am cook here at a respected mission school. My ambition is to be a cook at the university. I have experience and I know that the problem will be solved only if you replace that pot with a new one.”
“That will be expensive. It is much cheaper for these boys to fix it and then I shall remain with a balance from the budget. I know what I am doing.”
“Where did you get these boys from? Why didn’t you just bring in a company to do the same repairs?” asked the cook.
“These boys are from the compound nearby. I know them well. They have made many repairs in the compound. They are very cheap compared to a company. These will only need money for drinking. Then I can keep the rest of the money for my usage. I need to buy seed for my new garden and I also need to drink from that new place in town.”
“Nawa be careful. Your ambitions are fine but the way you want to achieve them is not good. The school has released money so use it to solve this long standing problem.”
“I am here to solve the problem. In case you haven’t seen, I am here to solve the same problem that you have been sitting on for ages.”
“If these boys know what they are doing, where are they now? Maybe they have run away.”
Nawa waved his hand dismissively. He then walked to the window and then pointed outside.
“They are up on the main supply pole. They want to cut power first. I am telling you, these boys are pure experts…”
There was a gigantic, deafeningly loud bang from the same direction that Nawa was pointing. Both he and the cook scampered out of the kitchen in order to see what had caused the explosion. From a distance, they could see fiery sparks emanating from a giant ball of fire up the power transmission lines. The whole school was instantly plunged in total darkness. Nawa looked under the transmission lines in time to see the two electricians getting off the ground and scampering into the darkness away from the scene.
CHAPTER NINE
By Tuesday afternoon, Headmaster Jefferson was sure that he would succumb to a heart attack, and then began hoping that he would but then began to fear that he might not.
“What were you thinking Nawa?” he demanded.
“I am sorry sir. But I will clean up sir. I am truly sorry,” said Nawa.
“Do you know the cost of the disaster? Well, let me break it down for you. We lost two days due to the demonstration by the pupils. The kitchen was closed because of no power and the school shall have to foot the bills to repair all the property that was damaged. All the smashed windows shall have to be fixed, not to mention the original problems of the damaged pots.”
“I understand sir.”
“That is not all. There is also the huge cost of fixing the transmission lines that you burned up, including the transformer. The electricity company has refused to replace any of that and they want us to bear the costs of repairs.”
Nawa shook his head regrettably. The headmaster then removed his glasses and then took a sip of water from a glass on his table.
“You may return to your class Nawa,” said the headmaster.
Nawa had just left the office when a group of protesting teachers entered the headmaster’s office.
“What is it this time?” he asked the angry teachers.
“We are angry because of this,” said Teacher Mulenga, waving a document in the headmaster’s face. “What does the idiot intend to do with these answers?”
“Well,” began Jefferson slowly “it was a directive from the board to try to root out the growing incidences of teacher-pupil relationships. The answers will be examined and will indicate how best to tackle the problem.”
“What does my wife’s buttock size have to do with school ethics?” he asked.
“Also there was a question on how many times I masturbate in a week. Is that a new method of enforcing ethics?” added another teacher.
“Well,” replied Jefferson, “I agree that some of the questions were not very respectfully phrased. But please fellow teachers, do not frustrate this exercise. Let us not lose the focus of the exercise.”
“Sir, that idiot just wants to know our sexual habits. What about his? What about his sleeping with that UN researcher while his wife is heavily pregnant?” shouted yet another teacher. Jefferson took another sip from his glass. He then cleared sweat off his forehead with a brown handkerchief.
“Please fellow teachers, do not take this personal, the answers will be treated with confidentiality.” he counseled.
“Sir, he asks us to indicate our names on page one. How confidential can you say that is?”
“Alright I have taken note of your concerns. As you go out, please ask Juma to come and see me immediately,” concluded the headmaster.
“Also tell him that none of us will answer question 23,” said Mulenga as they walked out.
Jefferson shook his head. He took yet another sip of water and then picked up his phone. He dialed a number.
“Hello,” a female voice answered.
“Hello, may I please talk to the board chairman?” asked Jefferson.
“In connection with?”
“In connection with a vacant senior position at this school.”
“Is that you Mr. Jefferson?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, I didn’t recognize your voice. Do you have flu or something?”
“Yes.”
“Please hold on for the chairman, Mr. Jefferson.”
As he was waiting for the chairman to come to the phone, Jefferson saw Juma walk into his office.
“You called for me sir?” Juma asked.
“Yes Juma, it is with regard to your questionnaire. Your fellow teachers are protesting,” replied Jefferson, still holding the phone against his ear.
“But I thought it was explained to them before distribution.”
“They feel that it invades their privacy. Let me assure you Juma, they are furious with you.”
“Were they specific with the offending questions?”
“Yes. Question 23 for example.”
“What does the question say?”
&n
bsp; Jefferson turned the pages of the questionnaire and read out the question aloud to him.
“Have you and your partner been licking each other’s private parts of late?”
“What?” The voice on the other end of the phone connection yelled. Jefferson jerked up.
“Sorry, I was not asking you, Board Chairman.”
“Yes you were!”
“It is a misunderstanding sir,” tried Jefferson, sweat falling all over his forehead.
“I heard you clearly. You asked me, “Have you and your partner been licking each other’s private parts of late?” Are you denying it?”
“I admit that I said that sir, but… ”
“Yes just admit it. Can I ask you something Jefferson?”
“Yes sir.”
“Have you been spying on me and my wife?”
“No sir, it is the…”
“Then if you want your pension, you must explain to me how you knew what goes on behind closed doors in my bedroom.”
Jefferson was now shivering like a leaf.
*****
On exactly the day that Moses was planning to inform Maria about his decision to finally end their affair for good, she informed him that she was pregnant with his child.
Moses was very horrified.
“But you told me that you were using contraceptives,” he yelled at her thoughtlessly.
“Yes I was,” replied Maria, “And yet I am pregnant.”
“Are you hundred percent sure that it is mine?” inquired Moses.
“Of course, there is no one else.”
"What about those boys you study with at night in the classrooms? Have you tried pinning the pregnancy on one of them?"
"As a teacher, I expect you to know that studying together does not result in pregnancy."
Moses at once realized how much trouble he had put himself into. If this news reached the headmaster, he would certainly lose his job, what with the ongoing campaign to end teacher-pupil affairs. He was not ready to marry. And even if he was, he would never think of marrying Maria.
“Can we abort it?” he asked her.
“What?” shouted Maria. “Do you want me to die?”
“No, that is not what I meant. But I think you should have been more careful.”
“You should not have pulled down your pants in the first place,” protested Maria. Moses was silent.
