Flying Home

by Mary Anne Wilson

  His hand stilled on her back, then he eased away from her, but kept his hands on her shoulders. Before he said the words, she knew what they would be. Speaking slowly, as if forming the words carefully, he said, “You mean home, as in here?”

  “I don’t know. Where is your home, or the place you call home? You never answered Brandon.”

  He let go of her shoulders and shrugged. “I guess home is wherever I am.”

  She bit her lip hard before speaking again. “Do you know how sad that is?”

  He frowned, the withdrawal growing even greater. “Sad? No, I don’t see that as sad at all. I was born here, and I can come back here off and on, whenever I like.” He ran a hand roughly over his face, then blew out air before continuing. “I want to come back, and I will come back here more than I have before, if the firm wins the bid.” He turned away from her, gripping the steering wheel with both hands. “I just have to figure out about this...”

  He motioned with his right hand, from her to him and back to her again before letting his hand fall on the console between them. “Whatever this is. Maybe it’s just from the survival thing, or maybe it’s more. But I want to know.”

  “How do you do that?” she asked, flatness tingeing her voice as that spark of hope began to dim a bit.

  “I’d kind of hoped you might meet me in Florida or Houston for a day or two.”

  “I just got back here.” She didn’t bother repeating that that was one of her miracles, and she wasn’t sure there would be any more in her life, at least not any that Gage would be involved in. “I’m not leaving again.”

  “Then I’ll have to try to get back when it’s possible, and, as I said, if we win the bid, I’ll be around more than normal for a while.”

  “And then what?” Merry asked, hating herself when she added, “Will you just do the damage here, then take off and not stick around to see what happens?”

  He frowned deeply. “You can’t let that go, can you?”

  “Sorry,” she said, looking around, feeling almost claustrophobic in the truck with Gage so close. “Can we leave now?”

  “You bet we can,” he said under his breath and put the truck into gear to pull away from the center.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  NO ONE SPOKE on the slow drive back to her house. That silence lasted until Gage drove over the pile of snow that a plow had deposited earlier, almost blocking the driveway. He’d stopped by the side entry, but left the truck idling as he turned to her. “Answer me this. Why am I the bad guy for doing what I do, for what I’m being asked to? And why am I a bad guy for not wanting to be stuck in one place forever?”

  Merry’s eyes burned as she stared straight ahead, back at the garage that had snow drifts halfway up the door. He wasn’t a bad guy. He was Gage Carson, pure and simple. And she was who she was, part of her ready to admit that she was almost afraid to leave Wolf Lake again. Abnormal attachment? Probably, but now that she’d found what she wanted and needed, she couldn’t let go.

  The simple truth was, she thought with growing awareness, opposites might attract, but that didn’t mean there was any chance of being compatible.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m so sorry. Of course you’ll leave. That’s your choice.”

  “What did you think I’d do?” he asked bluntly.

  Be here forever, she thought sadly. The old impossible, happily-ever-after fantasy. But instead she said, “That you’d leave. You have a job to do and when it’s done, you’ll be gone.”

  “I told you, I can come back. I understand you don’t want to fly.” His expression eased, the frown shifting to something less harsh. “And this is where I’d like to come when that happens.”

  “Then what?” she asked.

  “Then...whatever happens, happens,” he said simply.

  “Oh,” she whispered.

  “And if you can figure out how to get over your fear of flying, you could meet me somewhere if I can’t get here.”

  “And what about the kids? I can’t be a temporary thing in their lives. I won’t be temporary in anyone’s life,” she added without realizing she was going to say it before the words slipped out.

  He shook his head. “That’s the way you see what we could have—something temporary?”

  Not until right then. “I don’t know,” she admitted, suddenly tired and wanting to just go inside and close the door on everything and everyone.

  “Merry, it’s not like that. I want to come back and see you. I’m not talking being just a friend, either. I want to be with you, and find out more about you.” He moved toward her, hesitated, then framed her face with both of his hands. “I want to really know Merry Brenner,” he said in a low, rough voice.

  She closed her eyes tightly. “You know who I am, what I am,” she whispered, then turned from his touch and reached for the door handle. But before she could get out and run, Gage had her by the hand.

  “Can you really just let this go? Hide in your house, and in your work, and pretend this all never happened?” he demanded.

  She didn’t move, but kept her face averted from him. “There is nothing to let go of,” she managed, her words almost choking her. “This isn’t real. It’s about emotions out of control, some strange survivor syndrome.” She bit her lip hard, then said, “If I hadn’t pushed you to bring me back here, you would have never given me a second thought—if we ever crossed paths around here. Now, please, let me go,” she said with stark finality.

  “I don’t care about your professional assessment, I don’t want to just file it all under ‘a crazy reaction,’ and keep going without a second thought. I don’t want to just let you go,” he said, never releasing her hand.

  She didn’t move. Her heart was breaking and she’d never felt that before. Odd that she knew exactly what was happening. She waited calmly for him to finally let go of her hand. But when she was free, she couldn’t make herself move.

  “Merry?” Gage said, barely above a whisper. “If you can just walk away, do it. Don’t ask me to be the one to do it.”

  She sighed and turned back to look at him. The image of the man who was so close to her was almost her undoing. Why couldn’t she agree to whatever it would take to keep him in her world? Yet...why would she? Was this really love? She wanted to know him better, to know him completely, but she wanted a home and stability and to be in Wolf Lake forever. There was no middle ground, no compromise, no forever, and that tore at her.

  “I don’t understand why you won’t let go of what you think you need. Why can’t you take a chance and see how things are?” His voice held a hard intensity. “Can’t you for once stop being so uptight about everything, and—”

  “Go with the flow?” she supplied past clenched lips. “Been there, done that all of my life, and I won’t do it again.”

  She felt nauseated and wished on some level that she didn’t care so much about her kids, or want a family so much, or maybe wished that she’d never met Gage. “I hated it for the past twenty years while I was living it,” she said with raw emotion. “I’m here now, and I have a home and my work with the kids. This is my life and what I want and need.” It was the truth and she wouldn’t hide it away.

  His jaw tensed, but he didn’t speak.

  “And I will do whatever it takes to protect this town and the kids in it.” Merry hitched in a breath, then blurted out, “And you’re not part of this place anymore. You don’t want to be, but I do.”

  “Okay, you’ve made that very clear.” She thought he was leaving, that she had her freedom to go inside and map out how to make her life work, without a man who had become so much to her that she couldn’t even form the words to fight him any longer.

  “I hate this,” he said. “I hate what’s happened to us.” Then he leaned toward her and stunned her when he planted a fierce kiss on her lips. Ju
st as quickly, he pulled back. “Goodbye.” Turning from her he gripped the gearshift in one hand and the steering wheel in the other. He obviously wanted to get out of there as much as she did now.

  She fumbled for the door handle, jerked hard on it to get it open, then hustled out and into a foot of snow that covered the drive. Making her way as fast as she could around the front of the truck, she never looked back. She kept going, up the steps, to the door, and took far too long to get the key in the lock. Finally she was inside, the door closed with a thud, and she threw the dead bolt into place.

  The sound of metal against metal when the lock caught, echoed in the total silence of the old house, starkly underlining the end of everything with Gage. She turned her back to the door, leaning against the barrier for support as the truck roared to life. As the sound gradually faded into the distance, she hugged herself tightly. Then the sound of the engine was gone completely.

  She didn’t move, waiting, harboring a weird notion that he’d be back, even if it was to argue again, to defend his choice and position. But he didn’t come back. He was gone and her fingertips touched her lips. Gone.

  But she was home. And her life would go on, one way or the other.

  * * *

  THE FIRST DAY of April was a big day at the center. The kids went crazy with April Fools jokes. By noon, Merry knew she’d lost control of the place, and gave up any thoughts of counseling sessions going anywhere. Brandon kept up his joke about, “I just heard you won the lottery,” and everyone acted duly surprised and excited, then were caught with, “April Fools!”

  When three o’clock came and the kids were due to be picked up, she said goodbye to them, then let Marsala escort them downstairs. She went into her office and started to document the few things that she had finished that day. Next she heard footsteps behind her on the hardwood floor.

  She turned, expecting to see either Marsala or one of the kids back to collect something they left behind, or with one last April Fools joke. But it wasn’t any of them. “Hey there, Moses,” Merry said with a smile. She liked the doctor and was enjoying watching him and Mallory become a full-fledged couple. Although both of them acted as if nothing was happening. That made her smile grow a bit more. “First, let me tell you there is no April Fools joke that I have not endured today.”

  He looked puzzled, then said, “Oh, April Fools. That one passed me right by without me noticing. All day surgery.”

  She motioned for him to have the empty chair nearby. “You must be exhausted.”

  “I am wiped out,” he said as he sank down in the seat.

  “I bet. Did you need something from me?” she asked.

  “Just some information.” He looked a bit hesitant before he went on. “I wanted to ask you what your biggest concerns are about the entertainment complex coming to town.”

  She felt her whole being tense. She’d heard that Gage’s company had won the bid, and felt the division in town that the information brought with it. Almost half wanted it done, and the other half didn’t want any part of it. “What difference does it make?” she asked a bit flatly.

  “I’d like more details from your perspective, that’s all. It’s pretty much a done deal, but that doesn’t mean that there can’t be changes, compromises in the process.”

  He was right, and for the next twenty minutes she laid out her main concerns. The lure of gambling and other possible addictions that might increase in the area and stretch their resources even further, the negative effect it would have on adults and kids alike. And then her last complaint. “The kids in this community won’t directly benefit from any of the new money that will flow into Wolf Lake. Not a penny, unless they drop out of school and go to work there, or sneak into the casino to try their chances.”

  Moses nodded and didn’t argue. It seemed as if he was making a mental list for himself. “All good points,” he stated.

  “And it’s in the wrong spot. If it is going to be done, it needs to be between the main road and the town, not between the Rez and the town.”

  He just nodded.

  She’d never asked him point blank about where he stood, but she did then. “None of this bothers you?”

  “It does,” he said as he stood and rotated his neck to loosen up the muscles. “A great deal, actually.”

  “Then you’re opposed to it?”

  He shook his head. “No, not really. I think it’s doable and manageable, that there is no right or wrong in the mix, just degrees of adjustment.”

  She looked up at him. “And Gage is your best friend?”

  She didn’t know why she said that and wished she could take it back, but Moses didn’t look angry. “Yes, he is, but we’ve had our differences over the years, from girls to the right way to climb the rock face up near the lake.” He chuckled. “Sure wish I’d won more of the arguments, but Gage can be pretty persuasive when he wants to be.”

  “I guess he can be,” she agreed, not wanting to talk about Gage or think about him. Things went better that way for her. Out of sight, out of mind. Not that that was actually true, not when she kept thinking she saw him on the street, or stepping into a shop or restaurant, or even pulling up to the center in the large black truck. She’d been wrong every time, and she supposed she was thankful.

  “Let me know if you think of anything else,” Moses said. “I need to get home and get ready to head out for dinner.” He paused. “If you aren’t doing anything tonight, how about coming to dinner with me and Mallory? Nothing fancy, just good food and good company.” She’d almost thought about taking him up on his offer until he mentioned, “Gage is always interesting. Lots of stuff going on with him these days.”

  Merry was glad she was sitting down. This wasn’t an April Fools joke, and she knew it. For some reason, she’d always thought if Gage were around, she’d feel it intuitively, but obviously she was wrong. She’d been wrong the other three times he’d been back in Wolf Lake, too. There was no connection between them, she decided, and stayed in her chair, afraid her legs might not totally support her if she stood up just then.

  “No, thanks. Not this time, but I appreciate your asking.”

  “Okay, maybe next time,” he said, then started to leave, but turned back to her. “The reception lady downstairs, Elisa Hammer, said to tell you that there’s some delivery for you in the main office, and she wants you to stop in on your way out.”

  “Thanks,” Merry said, still trying to deal with Gage being in town.

  When Moses was gone, she grabbed her jacket and headed off to check with reception in the main office. Luckily, Merry found Elisa at her desk. “Moses said you had a delivery for me?”

  “Oh, yes,” Elisa said, getting up and crossing to a cubby space where they kept the mail and any packages. She came out dragging a large parcel on the soft carpeting. “It’s darn heavy,” she said, getting it to the table legs where she propped it against the polished wood. “It came about half an hour ago and I was going to open it, but it’s addressed to you.”

  Merry went closer. The package was at least four feet long and probably that high, along with a depth of about six inches. She crouched down in front of it, and her heart almost stopped when she saw the company logo. Carson Construction and Architecture.

  “Who brought it?” she managed to get out.

  “Mr. Carson,” she said matter of factly.

  Merry stared at it, unable to move. Gage? He’d been here? Another April Fools joke? No, Elisa wasn’t kidding at all, merely anxious for Merry to open the package. “Gage Carson?”

  “Yes. Last week he’d said he would be back with something, but I totally forgot about it.”

  “What?” Merry exclaimed, then realized she’d reacted too dramatically to some news that shouldn’t have meant anything to her. “Sorry, I didn’t...uh.” She swallowed hard. “He was here last week?” />
  “He came in on your day off, and he saw the kids. Erin really does take to him,” she said. “He’s so good with them. Joseph was pestering him about the red van.”

  “Just a minute, he was with the kids and no one told me?”

  Elisa frowned. “He didn’t ask for you, and he didn’t tell me he wanted to speak to you or anything. Besides he was only here for maybe half an hour. Then he said he’d be back with something in a week or so.”

  “He didn’t ask for me at all?” She tried to hide her disappointment.

  Color touched Elisa’s face. “All he asked about you was when you had your days off, and I told him today, because it was supposed to be your day off.” Her tone was getting defensive and Merry knew she’d handled this all wrong. “Maybe he didn’t want to see you or something.”

  That hit home for Merry. “Probably so,” she conceded.

  The receptionist pointed at the parcel.

  “Well? Are you going to open it?”

  Merry reached for the paper wrapping to tear it back. The minute the front sheet was pulled away, she sank to her knees on the floor, unable to go farther. Obviously impatient with Merry, Elisa reached around her and tore at the rest of the paper.

  “How amazing,” she said as the large bulletin board was exposed. Red, yellow and blue ran riot, the frame had balloons, along with silhouettes of children dancing and playing. At the top of the board, KIDS ARE COOL had been carved beautifully in cartoon lettering. “It’s gorgeous,” Elisa breathed

  It was beautiful. Special. Merry wanted to touch it, then stopped herself. “Can you have Harry take it up to the main room and put it up near the entry so the kids can see it when they come and go?”

  “Sure,” Elisa said and took off to find the maintenance man. Merry studied the board. It was everything she’d told Gage she wanted, and more. Oddly, she’d forgotten all about it, but he hadn’t. Running a hand over her face, she was shocked to find her cheeks were damp. No tears, no tears. But how could she possibly keep her emotions in check?