The Lonely

by Brown, Tara

  "What's the worst thing?"

  "You rape m-m-me." I mutter into the darkness.

  "You asked me to do it. Doesn’t that change things? You said you wanted me." He says it softly.

  I feel my lips curl into a sneer. I did. I asked him to. I offered myself up.

  The air is cold somehow, even with the heat. I shiver. He places something on me. I feel with my fingers. It's the other side of the blanket. He's wrapped me up.

  I hear his silent footsteps and the door. I am alone. I curl into a ball and grip the covers. The tears start. I pull away the blindfold.

  He is there beside me, sitting in a chair beside the bed. His face is sad. I stop crying. I didn’t hear him come back in. Maybe he never left. Maybe I'm hearing things.

  "Why are you crying?" He asks. I shake my head. "You don’t know do you?"

  I shake my head again. He leans forward, "I would never have hurt you like that, but if I had, it wouldn’t have been the end of you. I need you to see that. You've survived everything else. So much more than any human can fathom. You think one act can destroy all the strength you have?"

  I shudder from the tears and the heaving sobs. I shake my head.

  His blue eyes burn suddenly. He climbs onto the bed and wraps himself around me. The warmth is a comfort.

  He's insane but I think I am too.

  Chapter Twelve

  I wake up in the cell. He's moved me somehow and I didn’t notice.

  "Stuart." I whisper.

  He doesn’t answer me. I crawl along the floor, slightly disoriented. When I reach the hole in the wall my arm bumps against something.

  It scratches on the floor and scares me. I jump back. I reach out slowly, terrified of what it is.

  It's flat. When I get a grip on it I sigh.

  It's my cell phone. I push the button to turn the power on. It shows the apple and makes a dim light in the cell.

  I'm more scared with the light there, it makes shadows. I see my white robe in the light. I never even noticed it was there. My comfort in my skin is different than before.

  I turn the phone when it comes on and shine the light in the hole to the room next to me. There is a bed and a toilet. His cell is much nicer than mine. I'm not angry, I'm grateful he has those things. He isn’t in the room.

  I scuttle back to my corner and tuck my feet under me. My phone starts to vibrate like mad. Seventy-five messages. My eyes widen.

  I start reading Shell's.

  'Em, I'm so sorry. I shouldn’t have said and done that. I'm so glad I came with you. Please don’t be mad.'

  'Dude, I said sorry. What do you want blood'

  'Em why aren’t these delivering?"

  'Did you for-reals turn the phone off?'

  'I saw Sebastian today. It's been like a week since I got home and you aren’t texting me. I told him your number. I don’t even care if Uncle Daddy gets mad. Sebastian is a mess, dude. Destroyed. He is so upset. He flew all the way here to find you. From Maine dude.'

  'I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE BEING SO SEFLISH AND PETTY AND IGNORING ME! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO TEXT AND HOLD THE CAPSLOCK?'

  'Emmmmmmmmmmm don’t hate me'

  'I miss you.'

  'Now you're making me scared. This is fucking bitchy dude'

  'Oh and Merry Christmas Asshole!'

  I lower the phone. My heart burns and hurts. I start to cry. I'm so alone and desperate and I've been kidding myself. Who did I honestly think would believe I was fine? Why the hell did I ever leave that church? I could be training to be a sister with Beth.

  I look around the dark and feel more lost than before. I start to feel rage burning inside of me.

  I tilt my head up and shout, "I want out." I scream. "I WANT OUT YOU ASSHOLE. ELI, YOU SICK MOTHER FUCKER I WANT OUT!" I sob and lean into the wall. I almost throw the phone but I stop myself.

  No one comes. My tears dry and I start reading the texts again.

  'Emalyn, you are being so mean. I'm scared. Please just text and tell me you're okay.'

  The next message is from me, 'She doesn’t have this phone now. Please stop texting'

  'YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH IF YOU HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO HER I'LL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!'

  'I'll let her know you messaged her.'

  "FUCK YOU!"

  I snort.

  I go back to the menu and find Sebastian's. I assume they're his. They have only a number and no name.

  'Em? Is this you?'

  'Sorry but I found Michelle yesterday in Clovis. I got your number. I hope you're okay with this.'

  'I just wanted to say sorry. I never should have left. I've tried coming by the dorm but you're never there. The guy at the gym said he hasn’t seen you and Michelle said she hasn’t heard from you. I'm getting worried.'

  'You're that angry? Michelle is getting scared. She phoned the police yesterday. You're officially a missing person. My heart is broken I think. I have so many things I need to tell you.'

  'You've been missing for two weeks. I'm coming for you. I will find you.'

  'She doesn’t have this phone anymore. Please stop texting.'

  'Who is this? Where is she?'

  'I will let her know you messaged her.'

  'Where is she? If you have her or hurt her I will kill you.'

  I don’t want to read the hopelessness in their messages. I look around the dark and start to plot. I guess it's another thing about the dark. It's perfect for plotting.

  When I realize my plotting is petty and entirely based on superheroes and the desperate hope Sebastian is one, I sigh, and give up. I open my conversation with Eli. I can see the little writing thingy. He is messaging me as I look at it.

  He is watching me. It's 1984 in so many ways.

  'How are things?'

  I shake my head, 'I hate you. How could you do this to Stuart and me? Why did you do this?'

  'I need you to hurt and cry. I need those things from you.'

  The answer is as messed up as everything else that’s happened is. I shake my head, 'You're sick. I'll never cry for you again.'

  'Don't make promises you can't keep.'

  I dial nine-one-one but the service is cut. The texts are working because of the wifi. I feel like an idiot. All this time he was there for me and helping me, but it was all to what end? This? Alone in a cell, flogged, beaten, humiliated? I don’t understand.

  I crawl to where the hole is and lie on my side. I reach my hand through the hole and pretend I can feel the warmth of Stuart's hand against mine. There is no defense for the stupidity I am guilty of. The words of Sister Elizabeth bounce around in my head. "Nothing is ever free Emalyn. Nothing. At some point you pay for everything." I have a horrid feeling I might be paying for things I can't remember.

  I fall asleep with my back to the open air of the room and my hand in the hole. It's huge for me. I have nothing left to lose. No one can hurt me more than I have already been.

  My sleep and dreams are restless and chaotic. I wake with my face against the cement. I move my hand and have a small panic attack. It brings something with it from a place I've sealed of in my mind.

  The hole.

  I have the strangest feeling like I'm in the hole. I move my hand like I'm reaching for the sunshine. The cold cement and the darkness make me shiver. I can feel the bugs crawling on me. I scramble up and begin brushing my body off.

  I hated falling asleep in the hole. My skin is crawling. My whimpers and cries fill the darkness.

  I back up, scrambling and swiping at my robe. Pressing my back against the wall, I take gulps of air. I feel the walls of the corner and feel better.

  "I'm not in the hole. I'm not in the hole." I shake my head. The hole had no corners.

  Whatever is attached to the hole memory is fuzzy and bad. My brain shuts down. It doesn't let me see further behind the curtain than that.

  I clutch my cell phone and press the power button.

  The apple sign and the light make me feel better. I'm e
xhausted and done. I open our conversation and text.

  'I want to go home. I don’t want your money and help. I just want to be free.'

  'Where will you go?' His response is fast. Like he knew I would text him.

  My stomach hurts when I think about it, 'Women's shelter? Convent? Anywhere I can to get away from you.'

  'That's hurtful considering I am the only person in the world you have.'

  'I would laugh. If I weren’t sitting in the dark smelling my own piss and feeling disturbed and disgusted at the thought of what you'll do to me next.' I look at it, read it over again and press send. My stomach hurts being so sassy.

  The phone vibrates with a Facetime call. His call. I take a moment and answer it.

  "Hi." He's acting like we are friends again. The anxiety is killing me. His face is bright and beautiful. It sickens me to be attracted to him. "Where will you go without me?" He sounds different than before.

  It's Eli, but it's not the voice of my benefactor who has talked to me all this time. I'm so confused. I'm scared that Uncle Daddy is hurt and Eli has him captured as well.

  I can't stop staring at him, "I need to go. Please. I can't do this anymore."

  "Go to the door and wait. I will come and get you. It's almost New Year's Eve." He looks at me one last time and then the screen freezes.

  I put the phone down.

  The door opens.

  I see his hand.

  I stand on my shaky legs and walk to him. It's sick and wrong and I hate myself for it, but I like the touch.

  He drags me down the hall. It's toward the bathroom. He opens the door. It's light and bright and empty.

  "Clean up." I look at him, checking for the joke or the twist in the plot. He steps back. I walk into the bathroom and close the door slowly. I watch his face in the gap as I close it. I click the lock. It's the best I've felt in ages.

  I climb into the huge shower and turn it on. I turn the water to hot and let it scald my skin. There are things that try to flash into my mind in the shower, but I push them back. Something about his face is there still, picking at me.

  I wash myself and shave everything and triple rinse. I was feeling like a wooly mammoth. I climb out pruned and beat red.

  I pull on the clean robe that's folded on the counter and leave the bathroom. He is standing in the hallway. I frown, "Were you there the entire time?"

  He nods, "I was."

  I scowl, "Scared I'd get away?"

  He laughs and shakes his head. I catch myself noticing his dimple. "No. I stayed in case you were scared."

  His kindness puts me off. I want to hate him. No one has ever inflicted the kind of pain he has on me. He tried to drown me. I need to remember that. I am dead inside because of him.

  He holds his hand out. I take it. I don’t know why. He walks beside me, still leading. He opens a door in a hallway I've never seen. I look around, "Is this place like a whole floor of a building? It's weird with all the hallways."

  His eyes sparkle. He brings me to a room with a dark purple bed and regular furniture. He turns and leaves. I'm confused.

  The bed is big and inviting. I climb up onto it and rest my head on the oversized pillow. I'm so tired my eyes burn. They flutter and in the flashes of light I see him again. I open my eyes. He crawls onto the bed with me and smiles, "There is something important we need to talk about." He's being so nice. It scares me. I'm prepared for his behavior when he's acting like an ass, but his kindness is alarming.

  I shake my head, "I'm too tired. If you're going to kill me, just do it. I don’t care anymore. I'm done."

  "You're prepared to die?"

  I nod and swallow, "I am dead. You have killed everything inside of me."

  "Have you ever feared I would kill you?"

  I shake my head, "No." I'm too tired to lie, but I manage to squeak that one out.

  "Liar."

  I smile and think about Sebastian. I would die a thousand deaths to be in his arms, in his penthouse, eating that damned meal the chef prepared. If I ever get out, I'm hunting his ass down and forcing him to repeat that night. I need a do-over.

  Eli lies beside me and sighs, "If you had one wish what would it be?"

  "I don’t know. To be normal I guess." There is no guess. It's been my wish since I was tiny.

  He kisses the top of my head, "You wanted to know why I cared what your name was?"

  I nod against his soft lips pressed against my forehead. I'm too tired to freak out but my inner alarms are losing it.

  "My sister was named Emalyn. The Spicers were the couple that kidnapped us both."

  I close my eyes. The silent tears burst from my eyes no matter how hard I press them shut. I break my vow to never cry for him again.

  The memories start slowly. "You are the boy in the hole." I whisper terrified. "From the house. Eli? That was your name?"

  He nods. I can feel a tremble coming off of him.

  "You saved me." I whisper again. I feel like we are in my dark cell, both of us trapped there. "I killed your sister."

  The words force the curtain down. The floodgates burst, bringing everything with it. Every memory is running forwards and backwards until I am stuck with only one image-him standing in the room with the dead girl, holding his hand out to me. It was the first time he had ever done that to me. I curl into myself and cry until I sleep.

  Chapter Thirteen

  My eyes flutter a bit. The warmth of him is there still. I'm frozen. Not in The darkness but in genuine fear. The tables have turned on me. I am the one who wronged him. I am the one who owes him. I am the one who broke him. I deserved every injury he has inflicted upon me. I deserve so much more than what he has done to me.

  I murdered his sister. His name is Eli and he saved me, after I murdered his sister. He held his hand out and took mine in it. He pulled me to safety.

  I glance up. His face is so beautiful. In his sleep I see the face of the boy so clearly, I can't believe I missed it. My hero. He blinks and looks down on me. He smiles and breaks my heart. My nose wrinkles involuntarily.

  He laughs softly and squeezes me. The dimple. Of course I remember the dimple. The dimple, the icy-blue eyes, the dark hair, the hand reaching for me.

  He moans, "We haven’t slept beside each other in fourteen years and it still feels the same." He says it so softly and sweetly.

  I hate myself in a thousand different ways.

  He kisses my forehead. Slowly he works his way down to my cheek. He kisses and moves on to my nose. I close my eyes making a single tear creep down my cheek. He kisses my tear. "You're safe now. You remember it all. You're safe." He whispers.

  I don’t know what that means. I can't speak.

  "I never blamed you. I saw what was happening. I saw you make the choice to try to save her."

  I shake my head. I'm so ashamed. "I can't do this." I mutter and curl into him, trying desperately to hide. I'm craving darkness and being alone. "Put me back in the cell." I say quietly.

  He holds me to him, "No. You need to tell me the things you remember. I know you remember them now."

  I'm aching in every place I can. "The Grande Canyon." I whisper.

  My tears are leaving dark spots on his dress shirt.

  "What else?"

  "The dirty house."

  "What else?"

  I squeeze my eyes shut, "My name."

  He holds me tight to him. We are almost one person we are so close.

  "Do you see why I brought you here?"

  I sob.

  "Why?" He demands.

  Heaving sobs leave my lips, "To punish me for helping them. For killing her. For stealing her name and pretending to be her."

  He grabs my face and lifts it, "No. No you're missing the point." He climbs off the bed, he looks savagely angry. He paces like a madman. He looks at me and shakes his head, bewildered. I don’t know what I've done wrong this time, unless the anger is left over from everything else. Then it's justified.

  "Don’t you see
? All of it was so obvious?"

  I shake my head. He grabs the footboard and shakes the bed, "GOD DAMMIT! I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOU! I'M TRYING TO FREE YOU!" He takes a breath and calms himself, "All of this has been planned to free you. You were never going to get better."

  My breath has reached a new level of ragged despair.

  "You were always trapped in that house. You never left it. You took her life and never lived it. She would have wanted you to live, Sarah. You've hidden it all away and punished yourself for something that was never your fault. Don't you see that?"

  My name hurts me. I pull the blankets up to my lips. The kaleidoscopes in my eyes make angles and sharp points in the bright light of the room and the severe look on his face. I realize he has never said my name before. He has never ever called me Emalyn. All along he knew I wasn’t Emalyn. This is the first time he has addressed me by a name. Confusion and darkness make my heart beat in my throat and my stomach threaten to spill.

  He points at me, "You will tell me the story. Now you choose how you want it. By the fire or in the dark cell or in the tub or in the bed." His voice is demanding and desperate.

  "The dark." I whisper.

  He nods and holds a hand out. I climb from the bed and stumble to his hand. He grips me tightly and drags me to the door. He pulls and jerks my hand until we reach the cell. He flings open the door and drags me inside. He slams the door shut, making an echo in the dark.

  I creep to my corner and sit. Stuart doesn’t try to talk to me. I press my back into the corner and slip down the wall. I'm scared where he is. Eli is insane. Not that he doesn’t have a reason. Now I'm the one making excuses, giving him the 'doing well Band-Aid' and pity.

  I can hear his feet on the floor. He's pacing still. His breath is ragged.

  I close my eyes and see it all. The sunshine and the way it made her blonde hair glisten. The smile on her sweet face. I feel sick. I'm crippled by guilt and pain and sorrow. I look down and feel the tears drip onto my hands. My hands that I have tried so hard to clean and yet here they are, still covered in her blood.

  My voice is blank when I speak, "I think they had been doing it a long time. I don’t know if I was their kid or if they took me. I don’t have very many memories before you came. I remember other kids at the house though. They would stay for a short time and then be gone and Randy would start to get edgy and angry. I was in the hole before we met you and Emalyn."