The Lonely

by Brown, Tara

  "You aren’t a freak." Humor is spreading across her face. "Women enjoy a paddling and a spanking and some biting. We all like safe games. The fantasy of the roughness without the actual crime of being forced. Women like that. I read those books and I wish I could meet a guy like that…a bad boy. A guy who spanks me and makes it rough. Common fantasy."

  I swallow, it doesn’t lessen the pain.

  "He is the bad boy. The player. The rough and tough sex-freak. The one we all want."

  I frown. "I don’t see him that way."

  She shakes her head, "No…you love him. You won't ever see any of his flaws. Love is blind and you fell in love with the fantasy."

  I snort, "My fantasy is the normal I've always wanted. I don’t have the same fantasy as the rest of you. I don’t want a bad boy, I want a normal guy."

  She stops gripping my arms and relaxes a bit, "There is no normal. I wish you could see that. You are normal. Normal is being screwed up, but being able to work with it and appear calm. My family had too many kids, I never got attention. Now I'm an attention-seeking whore. I get that. I probably have daddy issues, but I work with it. I have fun with it. Why not? Why not just embrace the inner freak. So, you like bondage and spankings. Jesus. At least you don’t like being peed on or having things shoved in your bum, 'cause seriously, Dr. Oz says those muscles can relax and stop holding the poop in."

  I laugh at her serious face when she says poop.

  She pulls me in and hugs me again, "Dude, I'm exhausted thinking about the year you've had. You left the orphanage. You came to school, got abducted, fell in love with two complete opposite boys and conquered the lonely. Now you've learned you got some freakiness in ya. Well, so what. It's not so bad." She sighs, "Can we just finish the year, screw Eli? Well not screw Eli, but forget him. He wants you to be his sister, then be that. Be his sister that hates him or could give a shit about him. That’s how I feel about my brothers. Pieces of shit. Done."

  I nod against her, "Okay."

  Her forehead rests against mine, "Are we still on for your birthday though? Cause we can bail. They'll get it."

  I shake my head, "I need it."

  "Okay. I'm in for whatever you are. What movie we watching tonight?"

  "Amelie." I say. She sighs, she hates subtitles.

  "I'll go get some chocolate. Lord knows I could use some." She stands up and looks at me, "You know there isn’t a single thing wrong with you. Not one. There isn’t anybody who deserves love and respect like you do." She leaves the room and I let her words be true. I push the power button on the phone to turn it off and leave it alone.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Class was boring. I take a deep breath of fresh air, walking down the path, grateful to be out in it. The snow is still falling but I don’t care.

  "Does winter ever end here?"

  I laugh at Shell and shake my head, "I know right." I glance at her and nudge her, "You sure you want to do this?" I ask.

  She nods, "I guess so hey. Can't make you go alone and be the only skinny girl who sucks ass."

  I laugh. We walk over to the bus stop. Stuart watches us. I can see the look in his eyes, but I don’t meet them. We climb on the bus. I see her watching him out the window. She misses him. "Just call him."

  She looks at me, "What?" She knows what.

  I smirk, "Just call him. He's the best guy in the whole world. Trust me. I'm not a trusting person. I trust him."

  She raises an eyebrow, "You are the worst judge of character ever."

  "True. I'm friends with you."

  She laughs and nudges me, "Let's just get this embarrassment over with.

  The bus ride is loud and gross. My OCD is not gone. Clearly. I'm thinking about just throwing out my pants when we get off, and hate the feel of my hand on the rail in front of me.

  "We need a car dude." I sigh.

  She nods, "Yeah. This is gross."

  My eyes are fixed. I can't look around me at the people on the bus. I'll never eat again. Someone coughs and clears their throat. My eyes widen.

  "I see you." Shell whispers into me. I shake my head, "No you don’t."

  "It's okay. Just do it. I want some too."

  The hand sani is out of my pocket and dumping the cool liquid on both of us before I've taken a breath. The smell of the cinnamon and gingerbread man is soothing. I slosh it around on my hands. I take deep breaths and just feel the tingly sensation. It calms me.

  I'm losing it. Shell leans in again.

  "Wanna hear about the first time I ever got spanked." She whispers, almost silently. The shock of her sentence stops my panic attack.

  "Remember two years ago when I went on the senior class trip with Angela and Jessica and Brianna?"

  I nod keeping my eyes shut.

  "Well, we spent all our money on clothes and shit. It was our last night in Austria. We wanted to get drunk but we had no cash. So we decided to look for a mark. Someone who would buy us drinks all night long. We were sitting in this bar downtown, about a block from out hotel. We couldn’t decide on who to use. The guys in the bar were young and hot but they all had pretty girls or just didn’t look interested. Then in walks this guy. He was in a pilot's uniform and looked like fucking James Bond. He was so beautiful and sexy and confident. He strolls up to the bar and orders a drink. I point and say 'him'."

  I smile. I can see it so clearly.

  "So the girls are like 'no way, he's too posh and shit.' But you know me. So I walk up, right next to him and climb on a stool. I get on my knees and lean across the bar. I almost stick my ass right in his face. The bartender comes over and I say, 'you got any Rolling Stones?' The bartender looks confused and turns and changes the music. I totally pick the Stones 'cause they're sexy and older, like Bond. I figure he's like thirty-five or forty. Anyway, Paint It Black starts playing. I slink off the barstool and go sit down. Brianna smirks and swears there is no way he's coming over. But I am the master. He strolls over with a tray of shots and we get trashed with him."

  I laugh. "You are Ballsey."

  "I am ballsey. So the night progressed. We got so drunk and had a ton of fun and did a ton of dancing. Pretty soon everyone wanted in on the action. But I was having fun with Mr. Bond. He and I snuck off to his hotel room. We made out in the elevator, he ripped my skirt."

  I'm starting to feel the scene with her. Her breathing picks up slightly as she tells it.

  "So we got in the room. He undressed and damn. Hot. OMG hot. We were getting it on hard and then suddenly he pushed me down on the bed and I felt this hard slap on my ass. Not what I was expecting. At all. Needless to say it went well. I almost died of humiliation and the bizarre love I had for that moment. Anyway, I left and that’s the first time I ever got spanked."

  I smirk, "Did you tell the girls?"

  "Yeah, I did. What I never told them was that after we finished, he put a ring on his wedding finger. My stomach almost dropped dude. I was so upset. I literally like almost cried. I said 'you're married' and he says 'yeah, of course I am. I have kids older than you. I'm fifty-six-years old'."

  I open my eyes and shoot a look at her, "What?"

  Her face is beet red and pained, "Yeah. Fifty-six. I've had sex, and I mean nasty spank-my-nipples dirty sex, with an old man. A man who was ten years older than my dad. It was humiliating and I have never told a single person that story. No one ever knew. I let him use me and you know what, it's still the best sex I have ever had." She sighs, "Senior citizen sex. So humiliating."

  I lean in and hug her and kiss her cheek, "Thank you."

  She shrugs, "You're my bitch. I would take a bullet for you. I just want you to know that I get it. I know what it feels like to be crushed and upset when someone gets something from you. Something that you didn’t want to give, even though they made you like it."

  I see her in a new light. But we don’t get to talk about it because the bus stops and we're outside the gym. We climb off in silence.

  "You don’t think less of me now d
o you?" She asks as we trudge through the snow to the front entrance. I glance at her, "No. More."

  She grins, "Ditto. I never imagined you had the balls to do half the shit you've done."

  I laugh. We walk in and I start to feel my nerves getting the best of me. I think about her walking out of the hotel. I imagine she made the same face I did leaving his apartment. I see how strong she is and how much I admire and want to be her and suddenly, it's there. I am like her. I am strong like her. He can't break me. I see the point he was trying to make. His one act won't ruin all the strength I have inside of me.

  We walk down the hall and I feel like I'm in one of those movies where the underdogs come and kick ass.

  I wish that I could say that was how it happened.

  We walk out into the gym, smiling at Lance.

  "He looks like Santa, but like boxing Santa." Shell whispers. I laugh and nod, "Twinkle eyes."

  The boys are there. Brandon eyeballs me. I nod at him.

  "Ready for warm up ladies?" Lance asks, in a voice filled with joy.

  I point, "This is Michelle."

  Lance nods, "Mickey and Tink. I like it."

  Michelle looks lost, "What just happened?" I shake my head at her. It's impossible to explain any of them.

  Lance shouts, "Three laps slackers, let's go."

  We start to run. I leave Michelle in the dust. My legs can't help but beat the little turds in the running. They'll be kicking my ass in rings in an hour anyway. I lap her and few of the other boys.

  I run harder, letting my legs open up and push it.

  The air is blowing by me. I finish the lap and bend over to suck wind for a second.

  "Someone hasn’t been running much, hey Tink." My ass gets a hard slap. I grin and stand up to face the beast.

  "Angelo, you wanna race?"

  His face splits into the cockiest smile ever, "Only if you let me slap you around afterward."

  I take a step into his face, "Done."

  He lifts an eyebrow, "Ready?"

  I nod. We line up. He smells good. He says go. I take off like a rocket. My legs are warm from the three laps. He's grunting behind me but I push it harder and pull away.

  "GO TINK!" Lance screams as I pass the first lap. I run my ass off and finish before he's even half way on his last lap.

  He comes in winded and wheezing, "God damned, you are fast."

  I nod, sucking wind hard. My throat hates me.

  "I'm gonna make you pay, Tinkerbell."

  I laugh, "We fight when I say."

  He stops, red faced and scowls, "What? No way."

  I pace and nod again, "Yeah. You just said after. You never specified. I want to chose when we fight."

  He laughs and shakes his crimson face, "Cheater cheater!"

  I laugh, bending forward to catch my breath. I stand up straight and start my high knees. I need to stretch my legs out.

  "Seriously?" He sounds a little annoyed.

  "Yup."

  He sighs and walks away, "Fine. But your ass is grass."

  I laugh and look at Michelle. She makes a face and nods at his back, as he's walking away from us, "Wow. Angelo?"

  "Yup."

  She grins and shouts after him, "Hey, Angelo."

  He turns back around and smirks at her, "Yeah."

  "Can my ass be grass too?"

  He laughs and gives her a thumbs up, "Done!"

  She runs after him. She flirts and twirls her hair and lifts her leg in the air behind her, playfully.

  My breath is just starting to come around when Lance yells at me, "Tink, get your ass over here and tape up."

  I leave Shell in terrible hands and turn for the ring and the ever-impatient Lance.

  When I turn around he's there. I stop breathing for a second. My stomach aches and gags a little. He's sweaty and wearing his white t-shirt. I can see his tats through the wet shirt. He's got on thick jogging pants and a stare that could knock me over. My jaw clenches as I walk past him.

  Lance points at Eli, "He's got the other tape." He turns and starts taping some of the boys.

  I walk up and put my hands out. I look him in the eyes daringly.

  "We need to talk." He says softly as he tapes up my hands.

  "Talk."

  He smirks, "You know what I mean."

  "Talk. Brother." I repeat.

  He tapes them roughly but maintains the right amount of pressure.

  "I need to see you. I need to explain some things."

  I laugh, but it's not mine. It belongs to this bitch, who sometimes likes to come out of my throat and say shit I'm not entirely sure I mean. "Screw you, Eli. I have nothing but that to say to you. I have no desire to see you. I came here because I seriously liked the idea of being able to fight. I like the idea that if some asshole tried to pin me, I might stand a chance at defending myself." My eyes bear down on him, "I won't ever be the victim again." It's a lie and false bravado and probably see-through but I don’t care. I brush past him, shouldering him roughly.

  "He's not doing it right, Lance." I say and put my hands out. Lance looks at the tape job and then past me, "What the hell is this Adams? Jesus. My retriever does a better job than this." He tapes my hands up, cussing away.

  I hear the light pitter patter of a Michelle's shoes behind me, "Hey. Oh my god, he is so hot. What do we do now?" Lance makes a face at me.

  I smile at him but answer her as I nod at him, "Get him to tape up your hands. Then the little boys beat us up."

  She grimaces, "This isn't as fun as I thought it was going to be."

  I laugh, it's still bitter. "Just wait till one of the assholes hits you in the face."

  "Who was that Hottie-McNaughty in the white t-shirt with the tats? That is a smexy boy. Smexy smexy boy." She follows him around with her gaze.

  I swallow my fears, "Stop making up words. That's Eli."

  She looks at me and then back at him. "Dayum. I didn’t make up Smexy or Dayum. Google it. It's slang for I almost peed my pants when I saw him. I mean he's still evil and damaged and shit but, wow. Maybe the damaged is part of appeal. Yikes." She turns her head and follows him around the gym.

  I shake my head, "The damaged is the appeal. I have to work a million times harder to get an ounce of anything out of him, than any other normal guy. But somehow it makes it worth so much more when I do get something."

  Finally she points and nods, "That explains so many things. Ouch. For reals? What the hell? Is that legal? He is too hot and too bad boy and he boxes. Sweet baby Jesus."

  "You're rambling," I laugh and shake my head.

  She looks savagely in his direction. "I don’t know how to box, but I would like to kick the crap out of him." I would believe her but she licks her lips and won't stop staring at him.

  "Yeah well, prepare for the little boys before you go beating up the big boys." I shove her lightly, mostly to get her to stop looking at him. It's making me look at him.

  Of course, it turns out she is way better at boxing than I am. She manages some good shots and even wins her fight. She is jumping and loving it. I think she uses her hatred of Eli as a fuel. She fights like a psycho.

  I still suck. But between my date with doom, A.K.A. Angelo, and my hate, I manage to do a bit better.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  "Dude you're going back again? It's like seven a.m." she whines.

  I nod, "Yeah. I need to practice, like everyday. And I need to blow off my crazies before we see them."

  She sits cross legged in her pajamas and watches me, "Why did you agree to fight Angelo? He's going to wipe the floor with you." She blushes, "So far he's been wiping the floor with me."

  I roll my eyes, "Gross." It's not gross. I want details, but I'd never let her know that.

  There is a knock at our door. I frown and turn around as she gets up and gets it. My face lightens.

  "Happy Birthday." It's Sebastian and a bouquet of daises.

  "How did you even get daisies?" I frown.

  Shel
l smiles sweetly, "Oh my god, that’s your favorite flower."

  I nod, "How did you know?"

  He shrugs, "Gotta keep my secrets. Lord knows you have yours."

  I laugh and take the flowers and kiss his cheek, "Thank you."

  "I wanted to make sure I got here before you left. Will you have dinner with me tonight?"

  I grab my bag, "Walk me out." I turn back to Shell and nod, "See you after."

  She has the doe-eyed expression she gets when we talk about Sebastian. Which we do a lot. She has always been voting for him to win. Always.

  He takes the bag from me, "Where are you going? I had imagined I would be waking you and then taking you for breakfast."

  My cheeks flush, "Boxing."

  "Wow. That is not the answer I expected. Can I drive you there?" My insides flip out.

  "Yes please. Save me from the bus. I have attacks on the bus still."

  He grimaces, "Oh god. I have attacks on the bus and I don’t have OCD."

  I laugh. He gets the door, "So, boxing?" We walk out into the cold air. I snug my jacket around me and nod, "Yeah. New thing. Trying to feel stronger. You know?"

  "I do. I boxed a lot when I was a kid. Our town didn’t have a real gym. Just a boxing gym. So you could take boxing or be lazy. I started getting fat, like all kids who are geeky and smart and sitting in front of the computer all day. One day my dad put me in. Said I was getting too chunky. I was addicted to it right off the bat. I played World of Warcraft and Diablo and Play Station, so I liked the combat aspect."

  I look at his thick shoulders and get it. They're huge from the boxing. "I've noticed I'm liking it too. I feel less angry and out of control. I don’t ever win any fights, in fact I suck. But it's like, I'm there and present for the whole thing. I'm not daydreaming and imagining and wishing. I'm just fighting for something. Sanity maybe. It's like a rush to be rid of everything and just focus on one thing. I'm not anyone, just a girl in the ring."

  "Wow, that’s the most you've ever shared with me."

  I nudge him, "Shut up."

  He opens the door to the fancy car. I love the clean smell. I squeak into the leather seat and sigh.