The Lonely

by Brown, Tara

  We step off and walk down short hall where Eli knocks on a fancy white door. I feel like I might throw up.

  I don’t want to be a freak. I want them to see me as a normal girl. I hold my breath and wait. My eye sight starts to narrow. My tunnel vision gets bad when I get stressed. I take a deep breath. The door opens, making me gag a bit. I hold it back. A tall man with grey hair and a grey mustache and sparkly blue eyes answers. His hand comes up to his mouth. I see his face tremble. A woman comes and stands beside him. She has blonde hair like me and blue eyes that instantly are filled with tears. I notice when she brings her hands to her face they are incredibly clean.

  She leans into the man and starts to sob. I see movement behind them. She reaches forward and grabs me. Eli holds my hand, but the woman trembles and grips me with shaking strength. The hall and room are completely silent. None of us makes a sound. Everything is quiet. The man wraps around me. I'm sobbing. I can't see anything but as long as I can feel his hand I'm okay. I don’t know what to say.

  "You look just like my mother." She whispers into my hair.

  The space around me becomes dark. I grip his hand for the life of me. I can't see. I can smell them and deep inside I know it. I know the smell. It's gingerbread cookies and warm hugs and a black and white cat.

  Eli speaks softly, "Let's just step inside."

  The man heaves slightly and when he steps back I can see light again. There are others. Boys. My age, or close to it. They're huge. Tall and strong looking. One has dark hair like Eli and the other has blond hair, like me. I can see it immediately. I belong with them. We match.

  The man tries to talk but he can't. I can't either. One of the boys is crying. He points, "Dad, Mom, Jake, Lyle." He points to himself. He's Lyle. I look into his eyes and watch it happen. He remembers me. I see it.

  They drag me into the hotel room. I drag Eli with me. The mom grabs Eli and attacks him with hugs and savage kisses. They look painful.

  "Thank you, thank you, thank you. You dear boy. Thank you." Her voice is broken. He looks stoic throughout the assault.

  I look back at Shell. She's crying into Stuart, who has red eyes and a quivering jaw.

  The Dad grabs me, forcefully. I flinch. He stops his assault and moves slowly, "Sorry, Sarah. I just…well…we….never imagined. We hoped."

  I can see it in his eyes. He's normal. They're normal. He's wearing a sweater and a polo and she's got on a blouse. The people who wore sweaters and blouses were the ones you wanted at the orphanage. I always wanted a sweater and a blouse. But they all knew who I was. No one wants that kid. God knows what's already been done to that kid or what they’ll do to the kids already in your house.

  But I didn’t have to worry about that anymore. This sweater and blouse were mine.

  I let go of Eli's hand and let my Dad wrap his arms around me. He folds around me, like he's making up for lost time. My mom stops mauling Eli and joins our embrace. Her hug is the gingerbread where his is the cat that I remember.

  "Sarah, do you remember us?"

  My lips feel dry and chapped and too thick to speak, but I manage. "I remember gingerbread cookies and skating on a pond and hot cocoa and a black and white cat."

  Apparently it is enough. They cry and nod their heads, "The pond is at my mother's farmhouse. Your grandma."

  "I don’t have anything else to give. I wish I did." I say softly.

  They hug harder. Jake and Lyle join in again. They eat me up and I don’t know what to do with it all.

  I turn my head and lean into my father's chest. I open my eyes to see Eli watching me. He smiles. It's almost sweet.

  My brothers leave my embrace and grab at him. They pull him in and pat him.

  "Come and sit, Sarah. We have so much to talk about." My mother points to the huge sitting area. I look at Shell and Stuart and hold a hand out. Shell rushes and grabs me.

  "This is Michelle. She has been my family since I was eight."

  My mom grabs her and holds her close. They cry together.

  "Thank you Michelle. Thank you."

  Michelle shakes her head in quick jerks.

  "This is Stuart. He helped me remember everything that happened. And he keeps me safe." My mother's arm shoots out. She drags him in.

  We cry for some time before I actually manage to sit in a chair. Eli sits beside me, holding my hand.

  "I'm Helen, if you don’t want to call me mom just yet. Your Dad's name is Roger." She fumbles with a book beside her, "This is yours." She passes it to me. It's thick and heavy and soft pink. I put it in my lap and lean into Eli. He opens to the first page for me. Instantly the tears are there again. A wisp of white blonde hair is taped to the edge of the book.

  "You had almost none, so chubby and bald compared to your brothers. But we managed to get a bit for the baby book." She sounds lost suddenly, like the book has transported her back.

  I lightly brush my fingers over the fine hair. I turn the page and see the announcement in the paper. The piece of paper looks old and tarnished.

  "Happy birthday Baby." Helen says softly. My brother, Lyle reaches over and puts a hand on her shoulder. She lifts her hand to his.

  "You were the baby. Lyle is twenty-three and Jake is twenty-five. They were five and seven when you were taken." Her words break inside of her mouth and fall out in jumbled pieces. I get what she means though.

  As I turn the pages, I notice how worn they are. I can almost feel the grease of fingers that lingered too long and tears that fell too often from eyes, lost staring at the pages. Each page is another stage, a baby sitting up or crawling or walking. Golden locks and big blue eyes. Eli is so tight to me, I'm certain he is the only thing stopping it from feeling like a dream.

  "We searched…for so long. About five years ago we had that built." She points. I turn the page and see it. It's them. And me. My tomb. My headstone and monument. They buried me. I drag my fingers along the photo.

  "We just thought, well we gave up. For that we are so sorry."

  I shake my head, "I gave up too."

  She is crying into her hands. I wonder if it's guilt or relief. I hate that they feel badly. But I can see it in their eyes.

  "We would like for you to come home with us." My skin crawls. He senses me tensing and puts a huge hand on my thigh. It looks massive there.

  I nod and mentally slap myself, "I can come."

  "You should bring your friends of course. We have plenty of room."

  I look up, "When?"

  "Easter? We would love it if you came for Easter."

  It is much more time than I would expect. I agree, "Can we visit again though?" I don’t want them to leave me. I'm terrified I will leave the suite and they will dissolve into the ash I had imagined them to be.

  "I was thinking perhaps I could host breakfast tomorrow. We can have it catered here in one of the small meeting rooms. I have the staff on standby with the idea." Eli pats my leg.

  My mother's face lights up. "Yes." She looks back at my father and brothers. They nod.

  I turn the next page and can't do anymore. I close the book and smile at them, my perfect orphan fake smile. "Thank you for meeting with us. You are the best birthday present I have ever gotten." Which is true. I never knew my birthday before Eli told me when it was.

  My father walks to me and offers me his hand. I put mine in it, hesitantly. He lifts me up and wraps his arms around me. "You are the greatest gift any of us can ever have."

  Eli stands beside me, hovering as usual. "We should be going. It's no doubt overload for everyone."

  I close my eyes and breathe my father in. I move on to my mother and do the same thing.

  My brothers hug me at the same time. We are strangers and complicated, but I would take it over anything in the entire world. It is an amazing and terrifying feeling to have them. My greatest fear is that they will be taken away again.

  We hug and kiss and they touch me a thousand times. They squeeze me and hold me and walk us to the elevator. I am a m
ess but Michelle and Stuart look ready for death. They're holding back something I don’t think I want to see. Eli presses the button as my father shakes his hand and looks at me as they talk. He leaves his side and hugs me once more. He whispers into my ear, "I already approve." He says softly. "He saved you, cared for you and brought you home and has supported you. I approve."

  I pull back confused. I look at Eli who smirks at me. I scowl, making his smirk grow into a smile.

  "Thanks Ro…Dad." I say. He tears up again.

  Finally we are in the elevator, silent and stunned as the doors close on my weeping family. Michelle collapses into Stuart and howls. She tries apologizing but I can't understand her. She grips to me and him and looks like she might faint.

  "I'm gonna take her home." Stuart whispers. I nod. I have a feeling I will be spending the evening the same way.

  Eli steps off the elevator and holds his hand out for me. I take it and let him bring me to his car. I've never driven with him before. He has an SUV that matches the one Stuart drives.

  We drive in silence until I need an answer, "What did he say to you at the elevator?" I look straight ahead when I ask.

  "He thanked me for being there for you, even as a boy, when he could not protect you himself. He told me that I had his permission to love you."

  My eyes tear up again. He drives out of the city. I don’t know where we're going. I don’t care. I'm just dreading the conversation we have to have.

  "I feel so vulnerable having them again. Like I have something to lose." My voice is sad and small, just above a whisper.

  "What happens if you lost them all tomorrow? Would that take away from the joy and the love you got from them there at the suite?"

  I watch his face for a moment and then shake my head.

  "Sarah, that feeling is forever. It doesn't shrink or grow. It's just there. It exists. It's yours and no one can take that." He sounds so smart.

  I look back out the window. I'm exhausted and can't think about it. I curl into the window and let my visions of her eyes and his lips and her hair and their smells fill me up. They are me. I know this to be true.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  I wake, blinking and squinting. I'm sleeping in a bright room. The curtains aren’t drawn. The view from the windows is beautiful. White frothy waves and a snow-covered beach. The ocean and sky are both grey, like they're cold and unfeeling.

  I look around the beige and white room. It's plain but classic, eyelet lace and wainscoting but the blanket is expensive and the bed is incredibly comfortable.

  At the far side of the massive room, Eli is sleeping on a huge couch. I step off the bed and pick up my boots and coat. I look at him and shake my head. He is so beautiful and chaotic. I hate but appreciate his attempt at being my brother and sleeping on the couch. Not that it changes how I feel. Disgusted and sickened.

  I sneak from the room, closing the door slightly. The hallway is huge, grand even. Large paintings and sand-colored walls line the halls. I tiptoe down the wide staircase into a large foyer. I pull on my boots and coat and open the front door.

  The front of the house is remarkable. I walk around, stunned by the yard. It's exactly the sort of place I have dreamt of my whole life. I zip my coat and pull my fur-lined hood over my head.

  The wind and snow feel colder here at the sea. I crunch through the dry snow to the beach. The waves are violent and white with the snow swirls getting lost in them.

  I feel too many things, but mostly I feel like the snow. I feel like I'm getting lost in the water. It's so big and violent and I can't separate myself from it once I let it take me in. My phone vibrates. I pull it out and grin.

  'Hope it went well. I miss you. Can I see you today?'

  I text back, 'It was amazing. I remember them a tiny bit. I remember the way they smell. I'm with them today again. I will text you.'

  He makes a sad face. I laugh.

  "You seeing him again today?" I spin seeing Eli. He's standing against a large log with only his t-shirt on. I frown, "You'll freeze. Where is your coat?"

  He shakes his head and walks towards me, "Don’t change the subject."

  I look down at my phone and nod, "I don't know."

  "You plan on just seeing both of us? Use me when you need me and be with him the rest of the time?"

  I look up, shocked but desperate to keep the hurt from my face, "No."

  He's cold, I can see it, but he still walks to me and pulls me into him, "You want me, Sarah."

  I don’t know what to say. There are so many things between us that feel gross and horrid and I don’t want to, but I have to make them bigger. I shove him slightly, "I don’t want to."

  "You have to know." He takes my hand and presses his warm lips into the top of it, "I love you. Not because you're my replacement for my sister."

  I jerk my hand away and shudder. I walk past him, "I never want to talk about this again."

  "She is obsessed with me. I didn’t know."

  I look back at him, "Did you sleep with her?"

  He presses his lips together. He doesn’t have to talk for me to know the answer. "Gross." I grimace. "What is wrong with you? Why would you sleep with your therapist? Did you take her to that room? Is that how she knows you like to punish girls?"

  He shakes his head but I am stuck in my sick feelings.

  His voice is desperate, "It happened once, two years ago. It was a mistake. I was drunk in the bar, after I found you. I was celebrating."

  I shake my head and cover my ears, "WHAT THE FUCK? I DON’T WANT TO KNOW THIS SHIT! JESUS!"

  I run up the beach. He's almost got me but when my legs reach the grass and snow, I take off. I run past the house and up the driveway. I don’t know what I'm doing. I just need to be away from him. I run until I'm so disgusted I can't breathe. I slow to a walk and pace.

  I pull my phone out and call Shell. "I need you." I say softly. I'm out of breath.

  "Where are you? Are you okay?"

  I shake my head and sniffle, "I'm fine. I just…I don’t know. I need a ride to the hotel where my parents are."

  "Go to maps on your phone and look up current location and map it to my place. I'll text you the address here. I'll start heading out to the car. Me and Stuart will come get you."

  "Okay." I do as she says. I'm frozen when they show up half an hour later.

  "Get in the front seat with the heater." She says when they get there. I jump in and put my frozen hands on the heater.

  "What the hell is going on?"

  I shake my head, "Nothing. Just drama." I glance back at her.

  "You okay?"

  I shake my head, "No."

  She puts a hand on my shoulder, "Jesus. You're frozen."

  I nod, "Yup." My phone is going nuts in my pocket.

  "Don't tell him you picked me up."

  Stuart gives me a sideways glance. "He doesn’t know? Shit."

  Shell squeezes my shoulders, "Okay. Do you want to talk about it?"

  I shake my head and look down at my phone, which is nonstop ringing.

  We ride in silence to the hotel.

  I walk into the hotel, exhausted and in the same clothes as the day before.

  "Can I help you?" A lady at the front desk asks us as we arrive.

  "She's with me." I flinch when I hear his deep voice. I cringe and turn.

  "Very good, Mr. Adams." The lady says. He offers me a hand. I walk past him and mutter, "Not now." Shell and Stuart walk past us and go down a hall. I follow after them.

  He clenches his jaw and grabs my hand. He drags me down a different hallway. He stops and grabs my arms, "You ever scare me like that again and I will make sure you don’t ever forget to let me know where you are. You don’t run off." The anger in his eyes makes the man in the chair and the cell look like Santa. I gulp and shove him back, "You are not the boss of me."

  He grabs my hand again and pulls me into a room. Everyone is there already. Shell and Stuart and my family.

  My moth
er smiles and I forget everything else. I don’t have to force the smile across my lips.

  The men stand as I get in my chair.

  "Good morning, honey." She grabs my hand and squeezes. She looks at Eli, "Morning Eli, honey." I hate that she uses the same pet name for him and me.

  "Did you sleep well?" My Dad asks. I smile and nod, "I did."

  My mom squeezes my hand again, "I slept like I haven’t slept in a hundred years." She laughs and I know the sound. It's distant but I remember it. Like wind chimes I once heard but will remember every time I hear them.

  I laugh and nod, "I know that feeling." I remember her voice. I like that.

  We eat breakfast and laugh and hug. She pours my coffee and he smiles when he passes me the butter. My brothers bicker and make fun of me with Shell. I feel like I'm at Shell's but these are mine. I belong.

  Hours later, sitting in the car with Stuart driving, I'm lost in what to do. I refused to go back with Eli and he wasn't bold enough to drag me to his car in front of my Dad and brothers. I have a Dad and brothers. Protection of my own.

  "They are so awesome." Shell smiles at me.

  I glance up and nod, "Awesome."

  Stuart looks at me in the rearview, "I love them dude. So amazing. Your mom is demanding we all come for Easter. Is that cool?"

  I nod, "It is. I want you guys there too."

  Shell narrows her eyes, "What did Eli do? You looked ready to murder him."

  I shake my head, "The usual shit. You know Eli."

  Stuart nods but Shell shakes her head, "I don't actually."

  I laugh, "Well you're not missing much."

  Stuart laughs, "Oh you're missing a lot. It's just whether you want to see what all you're missing.

  I look behind us and see him. He's so close I can see the cold anger in his eyes. It makes me nervous.

  Stuart looks at me, "He says I have to take you to his place."

  I look back and give him the finger. I send a message to Sebastian quickly.

  'Meet me at front entrance of the Mandarin Oriental building in ten-minutes please.'

  'Okay. You alright?' He texts me back too quickly. Like he was waiting for my message. It hurts but I need him.