They Drink it in the Congo

by Adam Brace

  Stef In Congo?

  Ira Uh, no, these were in communes in Uganda or people who’d sought asylum in the US.

  Stef Right.

  Ira Yeah.

  Tony What we’ve got is a spot for a reading.

  Stef So did you get to go to Congo in the end?

  Ira I went to Africa twice for this book.

  Stef To Congo?

  Ira Is it a problem if I didn’t?

  Tony No, not at all, of course not, I’ve never been.

  Ira You have though, right?

  Oudry reacts. He could play a series of sharp notes.

  Stef Visiting to observe a medical charity but ended up a bit more. Involved.

  Ira Of course it’s a conflict that politicians really don’t understand. Because it’s a gender war waged not on land but on women’s bodies.

  Stef Yes, although it is hard to ignore the infrastructure, the economics, the history.

  Ira I didn’t ask you to ignore anything.

  Stef I mean, I don’t know how much of a traditional feminist reading I’d take on it.

  Ira You don’t know?

  Tony Ira, is there a story of yours you think would suit the festival?

  Ira Sorry, could you finish your point.

  Stef I had finished it.

  Ira Oh that’s funny because, well it seems a very unfinished point to me.

  Stef I’d be reluctant to view it purely through a uh, a gender theory filter.

  Ira What context do you want to view the wholesale targeting and destruction of one gender in a society?

  What’s that, is that to do with the weather?

  Is that climatology maybe?

  Tony Ha, okay – it’s divisive isn’t it. Is there

  Ira You tell me. What filter do I look at it from?

  Tony and Stef, later. Ira is gone.

  Tony You didn’t back me up at all!

  Stef I couldn’t, Tony, I couldn’t do it

  Tony She’s gonna pull out I guarantee it, she hated you

  Stef Well. Mutual.

  Tony Didn’t realise my booking criteria included ‘no women Stef might feel threatened by’.

  Stef Threatened!

  Tony Look at that seminar leader at SOAS, you turned all the others against her cos you took her on in class and she won.

  Stef

  You’ve never met them. That’s.

  How could you possibly know about that?

  Tony You must’ve mentioned it. Carmen Lankena’s here in two minutes

  Stef I’ve never mentioned that.

  Tony A photo from Carmen will sort the visual identity for your whole festival

  Stef Tony, how do you know all this stuff about my life?

  Tony I don’t.

  Stef You’re freaking me out.

  Tony This is an important meeting now

  Stef It’s been five times you’ve known stuff about me you could only know by. What? Stalking?

  Tony No, look, no

  Stef Private detective?

  Tony The reason I.

  No.

  Stef So there is a reason, I’m not out of my mind?

  Tony

  The reason I know is. I did an unacceptable thing.

  Stef Like what?

  Tony Like.

  Like I had your email password for about a year after we broke up.

  Stef Oh.

  Fucking hell that’s. That’s horrible Tony that’s really fucking horrible.

  Tony Well so is sending an email to Cassey laughing at my bent cock.

  Stef Sorry, what?

  Tony I’ve read it. Your email to Cassey laughing at my bent cock.

  Stef I wasn’t laughing at it.

  Tony Oh what were you doing, laughing with it?

  Laughing with my bent cock.

  Stef It was affection, it was affectionate, I used to love.

  The time we had.

  You don’t even have that / bent a cock!

  Tony Bit late now after comparing it to an Aboriginal throwing weapon.

  Oudry (plays a note) Carmen Lankena, photographer.

  Carmen Lankena enters, a glamorous American photographer.

  Tony Carmen. Hi! We’re chuffed you came.

  Carmen Chuffed? I’m chuffed too. What a great word.

  Chuff also means vagina doesn’t it?

  Stef Not in this context but. Can do.

  Carmen Well, I’m vagina’d to be here. Thank God you’re not the normal pious NGO pricks. Jeez, I’m up to my eyes in it. Talk to me.

  Stef I think we can both say, with total honestly, we find your photos quite brilliant.

  Carmen Thank you, that’s so kind.

  Tony I’ve known her a long time and I know when she means it.

  Stef The photos really make you look at the people as people, not poor people in a bad place. Not victims, not the other. Even the soldiers we see as people.

  Tony For the campaign, if you could think, of allowing us to use one or even two

  Carmen Oh no. No no.

  You can use all of them.

  However you like. I’ll tell my people – all reproduction issues waived.

  Stef That is quite outstandingly generous!

  Tony But. We should tell you. There have been death threats.

  Carmen Pfff. How bad can it be?

  Tony Well at worst, death I suppose.

  Carmen They’d do very well to kill me. I spend most of my life on aeroplanes.

  Listen, I took a load of photos. It’s the worst place I ever been. I felt shitty. I mostly felt shitty talking to people about changing their situation, filling ’em up with hope, and then gone again in an instant. So I’m pretty desperate not to make any money out of those photos.

  Then I’d feel really bad.

  Tell you what, have them exclusively.

  This is addictive, isn’t it?

  Stef Are you serious?

  Carmen Oh, as an atrocity.

  Stef The photos will make a world of difference. Thank you.

  Carmen My pleasure. My relief actually.

  Carmen exits.

  Tony looks to Stef to celebrate. Stef is still angry.

  Tony All I did was not forget the password. I have a very good memory.

  Stef Does trust mean anything to you?

  Tony I never had a fund named after it.

  Oliver continues.

  Oliver I have a bit where I am a traffic warden. He’s basically Nigerian but I don’t say, I go: ‘Only de other day, I say to a man “Eh, you cannot park dere, dat is a disabled space, what is your disability?” and he say, “I’ve got Tourette’s and you can fuck off.”’

  That is late-night gold.

  I have bits that are very clean also, but that is real gold stuff.

  Oudry plays his thumb-piano. He is enjoying himself.

  Oudry Welcome and thank you all new followers to hashtag CongoVoice campaign. Check out our exciting festival acts here: tickets already selling fast.

  THIRTEEN

  HANDS GO UP

  The meeting room in Portcullis House, same as Scene Six.

  Stef, Tony, Anne-Marie, Victor, Jenny, Fred and Alice.

  Oudry bored, idly toying with his mbira.

  Stef Before we start, may I briefly welcome Alice Ekofu from the new organisation DRC Horizon. Alice was born in DRC but came here at three years old and recently graduated from the same college and course as me. She’s just started her own organisation to help Congo and without piling pressure on her, I think in Alice we have a real example of a new generation of British Congolese engaging with the country’s future.

  Alice Thank you, I’m very new to this so, any help would be amazing.

  Stef Welcome to the team, Alice.

  She smiles at her, then smiles at Jenny.

  Samo enters late and waves an apology.

  Hi, Samo. Now before I ask Tony to report on some exciting festival developments, we must vote once more on / the constitution

  Jenn
y You haven’t updated us on the press launch, Stephanie.

  Stef No, true. Well I think the press launch went off very well. The live / stream was

  Jenny You had an issue with hosting it? You called me.

  Stef I did, I was indisposed on the day.

  Anne-Marie shoots a look at Stef. Oudry shows his displeasure. Tony is unsure.

  But Tony stepped in and did admirably.

  Anne-Marie A little more than indisposed.

  Jenny But you’re feeling better?

  Stef Raring to go, Jenny. (Looks at her tablet.) So, the constitution.

  Oudry (sings) Vote: CongoVoice campaign will tolerate no explicit political statements.

  Jenny This is a formality I think.

  Fred Yep, very important, to have any credibility.

  Stef Obviously Parliament won’t have it and we’ll get nowhere with a divisive agenda, shall we vote?

  Victor But the problem of the country is political.

  How can we not have political statements?

  Alice There’s no way to comment on this situation without intrinsic political content.

  Stef Ah.

  Samo It is absolutely standard for a campaign like this.

  Alice We can’t even say the President stole the election?

  Fred None of us are political organisations.

  Alice We are.

  Jenny With respect, you’re barely an organisation. Are you even a registered charity?

  Alice We’re registering, but that’s not the point I’m making

  Jenny Well, the point we’re making is that without Parliament we might as well all give up, go home and write angry blogs

  Alice Maybe I will because at least I won’t be silenced.

  Stef You can write blogs, just separately of CongoVoice.

  Alice This is a festival to help Congo which can’t say what’s wrong with Congo.

  Fred Such is the job.

  Alice You say this festival can give Congolese a voice. But you police how they use that voice. I can’t believe my tutor told me I might be on board with this. Sorry, but. We’re out.

  Stef Alice, this seems like a big thing

  Alice I have my own campaign, I don’t need to swallow your compromises.

  Fred We all swallow our fair share

  Alice (to Stef) You’re gonna lose a lot of the Congolese youth this way. I’m sorry but that’s just true.

  She leaves. Oudry watches her go and looks back at Stef.

  Jenny We’re already less than one-third. What now?

  Stef We count Alice’s vote as a no, it’s still passed. No more votes today – next meeting we’ll make sure we have one-third.

  Oudry reacts.

  Jenny Next meeting, of course.

  Stef Tony, update us on the acts.

  Tony If it’s only a third, couldn’t we, I mean

  Jenny Yes?

  Tony Couldn’t one of the whites just walk out?

  Samo Of the non-Congolese

  Jenny You could, Tony, but the festival needs our financial pledges.

  Fred And just you would still leave only two out of seven, less than a third.

  Oudry reacts – musically? Physically?

  Stef Just update us on the acts, Tony.

  Tony Firstly I’m sorry to say that Ira Coleman the writer can no longer play a role in the festival.

  Anne-Marie Ira Coleman! That is a sadness.

  Tony She has a. Clash. (Looks at Stef.)

  Anne-Marie She is the best writer about Congo.

  Stef Ira Coleman, really?

  Anne-Marie You are surprised?

  Victor Who did you think – Le Carré?

  Stef D’you like Ira Coleman, Victor?

  Victor She’s okay, sentimental.

  Stef’s tablet is being passed around with photos on it. Oudry could be following it, and looking at it over people’s shoulders, clowning, sharing his reaction with the audience. Stef is trying not to be distracted by him.

  Tony The good news is: we have secured the permission to exclusively use the photographs of Eastern Congo taken by Carmen Lankena.

  Jenny Well done. That’s very classy.

  Samo Very very good.

  Fred That’s a coup. I mean the right sort of coup.

  Anne-Marie is being handed the tablet.

  Stef Does everyone know Carmen’s work?

  Anne-Marie No.

  Tony I think you’ll really like it

  Anne-Marie No, you cannot use this, it is terrible.

  Anne-Marie passes the tablet to Victor. Oudry is perturbed.

  Stef Why?

  Victor

  No you cannot use this.

  Jenny I thought they were deeply sympathetic.

  Victor Do you know how were they taken?

  Tony Like, what lens?

  Anne-Marie She is with a foreign army.

  Oudry is traumatised at this. He shakes his head. Stef clocks him.

  Stef Oh.

  Tony Meaning?

  Victor This uniform, at the back

  Stef Oh dear.

  Victor This photographer enter East Congo with a neighbouring army.

  Anne-Marie Embedded, embedded is the English word.

  Tony Why’s it bad?

  Victor People will say this is photos taken by an invading force.

  Samo The Congolese government invite African countries to help.

  Anne-Marie Against the will of the people.

  Stef My fault, hadn’t thought it through. We can’t use the photos.

  Tony Can we talk about it?

  Anne-Marie We talked about it. No.

  Stef is looking directly at Oudry.

  Stef We can’t. Moving on. Oliver the comedian?

  Jenny We can pretty much all agree on that.

  Samo Are we worried about political statements?

  Tony We’re not

  Stef We’re almost certainly not.

  Tony He doesn’t do politics, it’s mainly about Ugandan women being loose.

  Samo About what?

  Everyone realises and looks at Samo.

  Tony Oh God.

  Samo Loose?

  Victor Like uh, easy.

  Tony That’s one routine.

  Samo Easy how?

  Jenny All comedians take liberties.

  Victor Easy to uh, easy to have sex with – it’s an idiom: ‘she’s loose’.

  Tony He can leave that out

  Anne-Marie It’s terrible stereotyping

  Samo Ugandan women are never ‘easy’.

  Anne-Marie But sometimes true.

  Victor It’s actually his best material.

  Tony He’ll do the stuff about his mum.

  And finally, the jewel in the crown of the evening, this band.

  Tony passes round the tablet with a video of the band.

  The band play and it blasts out a full sound.

  Oudry Today hashtag CongoVoice received its five thousandth follower. Keep abreast of festival updates on the go.

  Later. Stef finishes watching the band on her tablet and closes it. The band stop. Anne-Marie enters.

  Stef Thank you for being there. Those meetings should be the easy bit. They’re always the hardest.

  Anne-Marie ‘Indisposed’. What is this meeting-mouth language you have. You were attacked.

  Stef A lot of this stuff is about momentum. They don’t need to know.

  Anne-Marie Stephanie.

  Stef I don’t want to give the Combattants the satisfaction.

  Anne-Marie But of course you’ve reported to the police?

  Oudry is interested to hear Stef’s answer.

  Stef

  Anne-Marie, if I reported that incident

  Anne-Marie Attack

  Stef If I reported it I think Huw Bennion would find a way to ease me off the festival.

  Anne-Marie Why?!

  Stef Because he’d get spooked and make me take a holiday and give my job to Jenny Wa
lton from Human Rights Monitor.

  Anne-Marie Are you sure he would do that?

  Stef And she’s an NGO careerist with no vision. And she will drop our promise of one-third Congolese. And she’s never even been.

  Anne-Marie You are being paranoid.

  Oudry Don’t look at the wound.

  Stef’s head snaps towards him and back to Anne-Marie, shaken.

  Stef I’m not, Anne-Marie, trust me this is how these things work.

  Anne-Marie If you don’t report it, you are saying it’s acceptable and next time it will be worse.

  Stef It washed off, okay, it wasn’t very nice but getting the police involved will harm the festival. Wouldn’t it be better if I go and talk to them / myself?

  Anne-Marie Les Combattants? Save your breath.

  Stef Well, I’ve organised a meeting for tomorrow. They’ve directly threatened the band we’ve booked and I’ve got to deal with it.

  Oudry approves.

  Anne-Marie They have threated the band now?

  Stef Don’t worry, I’m meeting them in public. An internet café in Turnpike Lane.

  Anne-Marie You and Tony?

  Stef No. I haven’t told him. I’m going alone.

  Anne-Marie

  This is not personal. Why do you make it personal?

  Stef and Oudry look at each other.

  Oudry One foot in front of the other. Go and get it done.

  Stef I’m not Anne-Marie I’m just doing my job.

  Anne-Marie Why tell me but not Tony?

  Stef He’d try and stop me.

  Anne-Marie And I won’t?

  Or maybe I would be impressed?

  Stef

  I probably wanted to impress you.

  Anne-Marie You really want to impress me: speak honestly. Not in meeting-mouth language. Speak honestly to me.

  Stef I do, Anne-Marie I really value your

  Anne-Marie Bullshit. Speak honestly. You don’t tell the committee about your attack. You don’t tell us the band has a death threat.

  Stef I’m going to sort that.

  Anne-Marie And you promise one-third Congolese. But not to listen to us just to look good.