Will She Be Mine?

by Subir Banerjee

  I noted the time she drove out in the mornings and repeated the exercise of peeking everyday from our balcony to confirm that she left at the same time daily. I brought out my new video camera and filmed her clandestinely. But I didn’t repeat the exercise as it didn’t seem right shooting furtively from my balcony. Should I perhaps wait for her near her car the next day? But I decided to keep myself out of sight. First I had to be sure what was going on in her mind.

  Finally she answered the phone herself one evening. Her opening words floored me.

  “RK, don't send emails to my office account. It’s not meant for personal emails.”

  So she’d seen my mails. I stopped breathing and the silence was audible to her over the line.

  “Someone can read those emails- the system administrators or our mail staff,” she explained in a softer tone. Well, she did seem to have some sympathy left for me. I wondered if I should feel overwhelmed or agitated.

  “I think you're avoiding me, Shalini,” I accused at last.

  “I've been rather busy,” she replied with a sincere ring. “I'm sorry, RK, I really am. I read all your emails and have been meaning to reply, but simply couldn't manage. My workplace is chaotic. You've got to be there to believe it. I keep dashing from one meeting room to another- when I'm in town. On the other days I'm traveling all across the country. Being in sales can be quite hectic at times.” She paused as if to consult her watch. “But why are you calling over phone. You're right next door. Why don't you just step in?”

  I felt flattered by the invitation. There still seemed some hope left for me. But I shook my head. She’d read my emails. Had she noted what I’d written regarding her promise to marry me the day I landed a job in Delhi? I found it hard to believe that she could be so busy as to find no time to reply.

  “I'll come- later,” I replied skeptically, assuming a busy air. “We've some serious things to resolve before that. You've been avoiding replying to my-”

  “Don't talk like that. You sound ominous,” she interrupted. “Didn't I take your call today?”

  “I should feel flattered, I suppose,” I said sarcastically.

  “You're angry, Romeo.”

  “I've joined the Gurgaon office of Dynamic Machines quite a while back. Do you remember your promise if I landed a job in Delhi?”

  She giggled. “No- shall we talk about it later? I'll call you the next time, don't worry,” she said abruptly and dropped the line before I could remember to ask for her cellphone number.

  I felt cheated. She didn't remember anything or maybe she remembered everything but was feigning amnesia on purpose! On top of that she had the cheek to giggle!

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Only I seemed to remember her promises. How stupid of me. It wouldn't be surprising to hear some day that she was engaged to someone else. Between us there had been no formal commitment. We never got engaged. Even if we had been, engagements could always be broken. If marriages could be annulled in the modern world, engagements were small fry in comparison.

  It would serve her right if I could switch loyalty likewise and go out with another woman. But I’d already tried that several times and failed. I felt trapped in a quagmire, thoroughly hooked to her. Why did one's mind stick so overwhelmingly to a girl's thoughts to the exclusion of everything else in life? I felt like a fly stuck to the deposit of honey at the mouth of a bottle containing the amber liquid, trying to escape. There seemed no easy way out.

  The weeks dragged into a month. I wasn't sure if I’d done right by opting for a Delhi posting. In the process I’d only alienated my boss Jayanth Oisa in my new job. In the first place I shouldn’t have quit Eleny, I thought in retrospect. Padam Singh, my boss there, had wanted to promote me as a retention incentive besides hiking up my salary fabulously. I should have gone for it instead of jumping into DM to ferry my way to Delhi. Nothing seemed to be working out right. I needed a break soon, otherwise I’d go mad.

  It was time to get back to my homeopathy remedy Aurum Metallicum with a vengeance. It did no good after an initial respite. But I was desperate, and changed to a higher potency of 200. I’d read long back that mental diseases usually responded better to the 200th potency or higher. I needed to keep afloat at all cost. My mental prostration was deepening at an alarming pace.

  In this way the weeks passed by slowly. I felt utterly alone in this big, modern city of fast cars, flashy houses, rumbling, polluting generators and spectacular malls, and could hardly put my mind to my new job or my new boss's barbs. The long, tiring commute from Delhi to Gurgaon took its toll too, on my physical as well as mental reserves, demolishing me bit by bit.

  Jayanth demanded that I remain online on chat on my laptop all the time during office hours. My project team was in Bangalore and I was building up a small team at the new Gurgaon office. He’d ping me on chat randomly. It was easy to figure out his strategy. A prompt response from me told him I was at my desk. The fool took it to mean I was on the job as well. Being physically present at the desk didn’t mean I was also on the job, but that was the fool's method of placing me under surveillance. I might be browsing shopping websites or checking personal mail for all he knew.

  Sometimes, such bosses make you feel like cheating the company. You want to get even with your boss and in the process mistake the company’s resources to be the boss's- just like they too forgot that they were merely employees like you and behaved like colonial owners instead, mistaking you to be their personal slaves. I felt like harming the project by neglecting it, as it meant hitting back at the boss, but quickly quashed such thoughts in the bud. My father had taught me to be conscientious, no matter how much the pressure or provocation to act otherwise. Unfortunately my father had not met devils like these in his office otherwise he might have taught me a bit of diplomacy as well.

  The last few weeks had been like a nightmare, with no energy or enthusiasm for any activity. Gradually more than two months had passed since my arrival in Delhi. I plodded through my days, feeling listless. I’d wake up in the mornings unrefreshed. The daytime at the office would pass drowsily. It was getting progressively hopeless.

  One night as I watched the movie on her on my handycam that I had shot from my balcony, I felt so angry that I flung the handycam away, breaking it. I felt no remorse for my act. Memories were no good till I was authorized to own them. I’d never buy a camera again!

  To worsen things, my boss put me through a training program on software quality at a hotel. I felt stuck from morning to evening, looking at meaningless slide shows and hearing nonsense as the speaker shabbily explained software engineering processes. I couldn’t concentrate. My mind was elsewhere, thinking of Shalini.

  When I first arrived at my office in Gurgaon, I’d noted with excitement that her office lay in the close vicinity. If she’d not been so heartless I might have taken an auto once in a while during lunch break to reach her office, but gradually felt devoid of any desire to meet her after her obvious avoidance tactics.

  I’d been perhaps better off pursuing spirituality and made a mistake by jumping into material life. She was too fast for me. I no longer prided myself in being an intelligent, smart MSITian. She was much smarter.

  I repeated the higher potency of Aurum again. The effect of the earlier dose had worn off too soon. Maybe I’d picked the wrong medicine for my ailment. At this rate I might never find the correct remedy to treat myself in time. Why was it so difficult to treat oneself, or was it my inexperience with medicine? After all, I wasn’t a qualified doctor by profession.

  It was a struggle to plod through the day, so great was my mental prostration. I realized I wouldn’t be able to carry on like this for long. Wearily, I returned to office after the training program on quality processes ended and spent an aimless hour doing little, keeping an eye on my watch.

  When she’d proposed to me in Bangalore I’d assumed I’d never need any medicinal remedy to buoy up my spirits again. Absentmindedly I glanced out of the window of my high-r
ise office building, feeling tempted for a moment. How would it feel to jump down from this height? Would it end all suffering? Wondering, I picked up my laptop when office broke, and make my way down to the office cab. It was time to go home.

  I tried diverting my mind into lurid thoughts to get a breather. Frustrated I decided I’d chase Shalini's mother and enjoy her. I had an open offer there. Shalini deserved it. But the thought was nauseating. Life looked bleak and meaningless without her. I flagged an autorikshaw but it was unable to come close to me as a car swerved and almost hit it as it ground to a halt on the curb just in front of the autorikshaw. Today was simply not my day.

  It might be much simpler to end my life and get done with the repeated misery. I should have jumped off the building today, giving in to my fleeting temptation. Thoughtfully, I glanced up at the high-rise building again, wondering if I should go back upstairs and find a way to the terrace, or postpone it for another day. The commotion created by the autorikshaw driver diverted my attention.

  He angrily got out of his vehicle and started abusing the car. It was a big, luxurious car one usually saw in the movies. Its door opened and the driver emerged. It was Shalini! She waved at me frantically. I didn't recall seeing this car from my apartment’s balcony. This one was much bigger and spacious in comparison and looked sparkling new. How many did she have? As she tried to convince the autorikshaw driver that she wasn’t at fault, I forgot about climbing to the terrace of my office building to jump off it and rushed to the curbside instead. It seemed I was destined to live for some more time.

  I pacified the autorikshaw driver and paid him some money before he could create further ruckus. He went away murmuring something unpalatable about women driving cars in peak traffic.

  “RK!” Shalini shouted. “Get in, quick!”

  She never did give much choice or maybe I never dared ask for one as long as there was an opportunity to be near her. The evening office traffic had started piling up behind her stationary vehicle. Hot engines of scores of cars snarled as horns blared all around. I quickly jumped beside her and urged her to start.

  “You've managed to create quite a traffic jam,” I pointed out.

  “Sorry about that- but thanks. You arrived on time.”

  “Did you hit his autorikshaw by any chance? I wasn’t paying attention.”

  “No. Forget him,” she said in her characteristic manner. “By the way, I bought this car only today- it’s my second car,” she announced happily, holding the steering wheel proudly in her hands. “Will take me some time to get used to it. It’s quite big and unmanageable.”

  Sensing the commotion outside, she quickly shifted the car into gear and eased away from the curb. The din fell away as she pressed the gas.

  “It’s good,” I said in a subdued voice, turning around to look at the luxurious interior.

  Earlier, I’d seen such magnificent cars only from outside, from a distance, as others drove past. It seemed like sacrilege to even touch such cars with one’s dirty hands to feel the sheen of the glossy metal- and here she was driving one! It was really quite big and spacious. She was having difficulty maneuvering it in the busy traffic. It meant that the car I’d seen her drive from my balcony was her first one. I didn't even know when she’d bought that.

  “You bought it today?” I asked dumbly.

  “Correct! I bought it today and you're the first one to see it and get a joyride. I drove straight down to your office after getting the keys. Rags couldn’t make it as I sent her somewhere else,” she added, referring to her sister.

  Her arrival had infused the air with energy and exuberance. I felt touched to be the first person she’d remembered after buying her new car and also somewhat guilty for harboring amorous thoughts about her mother.

  “Where are we going?” I asked at last as she pulled into a deserted road and hit the gas hard. The car purred like a mountain cat and leaped forward powerfully.

  “Don't disturb me. This beast's difficult to manage. I shouldn't hit anybody on my first day out with it. There's still time. I'll explain everything later.”

  “There's still time for what?”

  “Before the marriage bureau closes. The clerk at the marriage court might be around still.” She glanced into the rearview mirror overhead before leaving her lane to overtake the car in front. “I know we’re a little late- but Rags is holding fort. I sent her there.” A frown entered her eyes as she braked hard to avoid hitting a car that suddenly slowed down in front of her. “One can't plan anything these days because of the damn traffic.”

  Why was Ragini waiting at the marriage bureau? Things were moving too fast. I just failed to understand Shalini’s way of thinking or her approach to life.

  “Is Ragini marrying?” I asked cautiously. “Why did you send her there?”

  She glanced at me momentarily but kept driving without replying.

  “Whose marriage is it?” I repeated.

  “Obviously ours. You do seem to ask odd questions sometimes.” She tilted her head towards me. “I'm known to be true to my word. Didn’t I say so before?”

  Obviously. I should have guessed it was our marriage, even without asking had I been in the right frame of mind.

  “Watch out!” I gasped as she nearly hit a scooter. She quickly turned her head back to the traffic ahead. “Ours!” I exclaimed as the news sank in. It was indeed news! “But you never told me.”

  “What was there to tell, RK? We've discussed it so many times before. What was there to add?” she asked, as if it was a foregone conclusion that we’d marry today. “Isn't that the reason you shifted from Bangalore to take up a job here- because I said we'd marry the day you landed in Delhi?” As I gaped at her, she smiled with a blink of her eyes. “Now will you shut up and let me concentrate on my driving? You talk too much and sometimes- I’m sorry to say- it’s mostly rubbish.”

  “That’s okay- but it’s kind of sudden.”

  “Why sudden? I've a promise to keep. You reminded me so many times after landing in Delhi. You filled up my official mailbox with mails.”

  “But-”

  “Look here, RK. Make up your mind. You've wanted to marry me for a decade and proposed half a dozen times already. Now when I'm ready, you call it sudden. Didn’t I travel all the way to Bangalore to propose myself, even if it was a few years back? Wasn't marriage the next logical step? We’re already late.”

  “I know.”

  “I’m sorry things took longer than we expected. You arrived in Delhi a few months ago, but I was actually waiting for this car. It was one of the goals I’d set myself. Before marrying, I wanted to buy a big car.”

  We drove on in silence for a while.

  “By sudden I meant we should marry in the traditional way,” I stammered at last, courageously breaking the silence.

  “A traditional wedding would be too time consuming- and risky. Court marriage would be fastest.”

  I didn't know whether to laugh or feel panicky. What would my parents- especially father- think if they heard I’d run away to marry? Was this her way of giving me a surprise? Well I didn't mind being hijacked, but I thought of our families. What would they think? Otherwise my life's dream was about to come true and there was nothing for me to complain. Wasn't this what I’d wanted all along?

  “What about witnesses?”

  “I told you Rags is already there at the marriage bureau. Besides her, I've also asked an office colleague to be present.”

  “You could have at least informed me earlier, Shalini. After all, it’s my marriage too. Don't you think you've taken me for granted? We’re equals in love.”

  “Cut out those melodramatic dialogues. I kept ringing you the whole of yesterday and again today, but you didn't answer the phone. What could I do?”

  I didn’t venture a reply, thinking about my utter restlessness of the last few days.

  “So I decided to reach your office today when office broke for the day, to catch you on your way out,” she continued
. “I took so many pains, but you didn't even answer your phone all these days. Why, RK?”

  I sighed, feeling defensive. “I was in a quality training at a hotel. Only returned after lunch to the office today. Did you try my phone after lunch?”

  “I also left you voice mail several times.”

  “I didn't check my voice mail,” I replied sheepishly, omitting to add how directionless I’d been over the last few days. “But you could have called me on my cellphone. I’ve one now and also sent you the number over email.”

  “Sorry dear, I’m not as well organized as you, to copy phone numbers from emails to my cellphone. You should have texted me.”

  “How could I? You never shared your cellphone number. Why, may I ask?”

  She gave a sheepish but sweet smile. “If I had, you’d have troubled me all the time in office. Can you think of anything else but me?”

  I stared at her fondly. She was aware of the intensity with which I loved her, and yet appeared to be aloof and acted so unconcerned at times, almost difficult to get.

  “You’re right, I can’t think of anything but you,” I admitted honestly.

  “Don’t worry; I’ll give you my cellphone number today. Guess I can’t avoid it anymore,” she said with an impish look. “O boy, am I glad I found you at the car park,” she added happily, blushing faintly. “Or we might have got delayed further and missed the marriage clerk altogether despite so much planning.”