The Life and Death of Eli and Jay

by Francis Gideon

  After Buffy's death, things went back to the way they had been when the two of them had been in high school. Except, of course, the fact that there was no more high school. Their days were open and free, self-defined and self-sufficient. They drank during the day, but only Coke, and never beer, Eli insisted and Jay never pushed, knowing how hard people on the rez took their alcohol, they walked around the rez in the afternoon, and by night, they ate the fry bread Jay had learned to make, adapting his grandmother's recipe. Jay went back to selling cigarettes on the corner near a broken traffic light, but he didn't sleep with the men anymore. At least, not when Eli was around.

  Today was hot and muggy; one of the dog days of August. Eli and Jay sat on the worn-down bench just around the corner from the general store and shared a bottle of Coke between them. Jay had already sold most of his huge carton of cigarettes that morning, and probably wasn't going to work far beyond two PM because of the way the heat made their shirts stick to their backs. Eli tasted salt each time he took a drink from the bottle, his sweat mixed with Jay's.

  "Good thing we don't burn," Jay said, using his hand to block the sun. "But I think we're gonna melt if we stay here much longer."

  "Uh-huh." Eli took a lingering sip of the Coke before passing it back to Jay, who pressed it to his forehead. Eli spotted a gray van on the horizon and excused himself to go find a radio.

  "What do you need a radio for?"

  "I wanna know the weather report," Eli explained. "Maybe Big Jim will let me inside the station this time."

  "Nah. He's a cranky, old, useless man." Jay grabbed Eli's hand, slipping him a couple more coins. "Try the store first. And grab another Coke? Or else we'll fry out here."

  "Sure." Eli felt the sting of Jay's sweat on his fingers and the warm heat of the coins. He shuffled quickly into the store, hoping to get inside before the gray van showed up. Percy, a scrawny kid he used to know from school, worked at the counter. His face was pockmarked and the frames of his glasses were now years out of date—probably the same ones he had worn in high school. He watched as Eli walked all the way back to the drink chest and lingered by the fan on the shelf.

  "You done?" Percy asked.

  Eli groaned. "I'm melting. Hey, you got a weather report around here?"

  "Do I look like the weatherman?"

  "Okay, fine." Eli slipped him the money for the Coke, before his eyes caught the impending clouds on the horizon out the window. "You sure you don't have anything on the radio? Other than the music from five years ago?"

  Percy shrugged. "I don't know how to change it, so you're going to have to deal."

  "Fuck," Eli murmured under his breath.

  "What?"

  "Nothing." Eli scanned the front where newspapers usually were, but found nothing. Not even a print weather report. He shrugged and pressed the Coke bottle to his neck, nodding at Percy. "Just say hi to your mom for me."

  "And to your grandmother," Percy said, his voice tinny and sharp. "Jay, too."

  Eli paused, waiting to hear the insult that seemed destined to come around. When Percy didn't flinch, Eli murmured "thanks," and then came out of the store. He saw Big Jim outside the radio studio, smoking some of Jay's cigarettes as he swept his front stoop. Eli considered going over to ask him about the weather, but like everyone else today, he seemed more hot-tempered than usual. Eli almost crossed the street when the same gray van peeled away and left dust in its wake. Jay was no longer busy, so Eli headed on over.

  "I was missin' you," Jay said with a smile that lingered on the bottle of Coke. Eli smirked and gave him the bottle, plus his change.

  "Keep it," Jay said, waving his hand away. "We may need to go back for more."

  Eli sank back down onto the bench. In between sips, Jay told him a long-winded story about the last customer Jay had just sold cigarettes to. Eli knew the tale was probably exaggerated—by the man or by Jay himself, but he didn't know or care. He was just relieved to be talking about nothing again, rather than sitting in their separate houses and saying nothing instead.

  "You ever wonder what happened to Mrs. Cherry?" Jay asked suddenly, passing the bottle of Coke to Eli.

  "I think she and her husband moved away at the beginning of summer. Got a new job."

  "Of course. Everyone fucking moves away." Jay motioned with his hand that he wanted the bottle back. Eli took a long sip first, relishing the fact that in some small way, they were kissing like that one time they did back in high school.

  "I bet she moved real far, too," Jay mused. "When you leave the rez, you gotta go big or you swing right back like a sling shot."

  "I guess. I don't know where she went. But if you know someone who's out there, the world gets smaller."

  Jay smirked. "Your grandmother's telling stories again."

  "Always."

  Tantoo had been telling fewer stories recently, but Eli didn't dare mention that and threaten the image people had of his grandmother. Eli knew the reason why, anyway. Now that he was done with his high school, he would have to make a choice about where to go next. College? Stay on the rez? Or do something else? Again, Eli was never sure what the "something" else option was, and in the middle of this heat wave, with Jay at his side, Eli didn't want to think about it. He liked only worrying about where they would sell cigarettes in the morning, how hot it would get, and if it would rain that night.

  Eli was about to ask if Jay minded going over to the radio station, when Jay's mouth opened. He paused, as if debating the next line of a story, before closing his mouth again.

  "Yeah?" Eli asked.

  "What?"

  "Oh… I, uh. I thought you were going to say something."

  Jay shrugged, biting his lip. He drained the bottle of Coke before he took a deep breath. He leaned down on his knees, as if he was about to announce something—only to shoot up again onto his feet as if he had been struck. Eli followed Jay's gaze and saw another car pull onto the reservation.

  "Fucking hell," Jay said. "I hoped I was done for the day."

  Eli noted the distinct posture Jay had. This was more than a customer; this was a former fling. The blue car parked in the lot of the general store, almost hidden from view and under the shade. As the man got out of the car and wandered over to the two of them, Eli's eyes widened. Even without the green jacket, he recognized the man.

  "Hello," the man greeted. "Hot enough for you, Jay?"

  "I don't know. Sounds like a challenge." Without looking up, Jay dug through his cartons and pulled out what the man needed before asking. The man's eyes lingered on Eli, but he didn't say anything by way of a greeting. Just a short nod Eli couldn't reciprocate in that moment.

  "There you are," Jay stated with a forced smile as he told him his total.

  "And there you are." The man held his cigarettes by his side and shifted on his feet as he handed over money. "So. You ready to go, Jay?"

  "Nah. I think I'm gonna stay out here and work on my tan."

  The man laughed a little. "I can wait."

  "Not today, Mark."

  "Ah. Okay. I see." Mark's sudden optimism flattened with his tone. His eyes moved over to linger on Eli now, as if sizing him up. Eli turned away, his cheeks warm. He moved to get up, only to feel Jay's hand on his arm, keeping him in place.

  "My grandmother died," Jay added. "Things have been tough around here."

  "Oh." Mark's face softened. Eli felt his own body ease. "I'm sorry to hear that."

  "Yeah. Things have been hard since then. You're probably going to be my last customer of the day."

  "Okay. I understand." Mark moved away, clearing room for Jay. Jay rose to his feet in one fluid motion, still keeping his hand on Eli's forearm.

  "You know," Mark said, only when Eli was a few steps away. "There's a party in town tonight. Just outside of Regina. You should come by. It might be a nice break away from all the shit you've been through."

  Before answering, Jay looked at Eli. He lifted his eyebrows, a light smile curled on his face again. Eli g
lanced behind himself, unsure if Jay had really been consulting with him. When Eli found nothing, Jay squeezed his arm encouragingly.

  "A party could be nice. But it depends on what Eli says. What do you think, E? You wanna get off the rez?"

  "Yeah," Eli said. "Definitely."

  *~*~*

  They got a ride into a smaller town, just outside of Saskatoon, from Maggie's Navajo boyfriend-turned-husband. He would only go after Maggie had cooked him dinner, which she begrudgingly did for her brother and Eli, too. Tim worked at a garage and would only take them so far as the main road just outside of the downtown area, dropping them off by a traffic light. He said a gruff goodbye, then pulled a U-turn in the middle of the road, before driving back to his mechanic shop. Only two cars honked at Tim as he did this, which Eli figured was pretty impressive.

  "It's odd," Jay said, looking up at the light. "A stop that actually works—and actually needs to work, huh?"

  Eli nodded, but didn't say much. He plunged his hands deep into his worn jean pockets and fell in step behind Jay. It was easier to walk behind him, like this was a hike through new territory. Eli had never been to a party before—not like this. He had been to gatherings, even a powwow when he was a little kid. But parties were different when you knew everyone—or were supposed to. There was no measured hierarchy in those parties which ordered people against their will, like cliques or popular groups from high school. Community always bonded people together, Tantoo liked to remind Eli, but it was family that kept you safe inside that community circle. Eli tried to focus on his only connection—Jay—in order to keep his cool as he trailed behind him.

  Eli's eyes centred on the red backpack Jay wore over one shoulder. He had on an old pair of blue jeans, along with a black fabric jacket, with plaid underneath. The temperatures were still hotter than anything else, but Maggie had told them to take more clothing than they felt was needed. The temperatures always plunged at night and they would need to be covered. Eli felt the sudden heaviness of his own jacket—both by weight under the sun and the oldness of the fabric. Everything they wore on the rez looked fine, but in the city, it became obvious just how out-of-date he was.

  "It's not a far walk from here," Jay said, glancing back.

  "You been before?"

  Jay's head moved stiffly into a nod. "Once or twice, when Mark would take me."

  "What happened with him?" Eli asked after a moment.

  "What always happens?"

  "I don't know. That's why I'm asking."

  Jay looked behind him and raised his eyebrows. "You using me as shade against the sun, Eli?"

  "No."

  "Then get over here." Jay grabbed Eli's shoulder and pulled him next to him. When Eli didn't retreat, Jay nodded with a pleased smile.

  Now that they were on a slightly busier sidewalk, it must have felt better to Jay to have someone just like him by his side. Eli could feel the heat of the glances of people in cars, their stares lingering and judgemental. This was about more than just his older clothing and lack of social skills. Eyes lingered because of their skin, Eli's long, loose hair, Jay's in a ponytail at his back, and Jay's slightly effeminate walk. Eli never noticed how much Jay could be read as gay; on the rez, he was just Jay, a kid who talked and talked like he owned the world. But Regina wasn't their world to own; it was for men with ten-gallon hats and big, flashy belt buckles. Men who had jobs that made them swagger with bow-legs and dirt under their nails. Jay wasn't a storyteller here, but a nuisance.

  And Eli was worse than invisible.

  "Are you sure we should be here?" Eli asked. "I mean, maybe Tim can drive us back and still make it in time for work." Eli paused, suddenly realizing they barely had a plan. "Wait, how are we getting back to the rez? How long is this party going to run?"

  "Shh." Jay placed his hand on the small of Eli's back. Eli flinched, barely discernible. He looked around and wondered if the men inside the Laundromat window or the bar on the corner could see Jay's hand on him. If they did, did they know what it meant?

  "We will get home. I have a plan. You just have to trust me."

  "Uh-huh." Eli knew his voice shook a little, but Jay pretended not to notice. They came to a sudden stop on the sidewalk as the red hand from across the street told them to wait to cross. On the other side were two men in leather jackets and jeans. Skinny and not the toughest people, but their faces were hard and their skin dust-beaten, their eyes narrowed.

  When the light changed, Jay held onto Eli's elbow. The men across the street sauntered side by side, taking up the pathway. Eli realized that neither Jay nor the men were going to yield—both of them wanted the crosswalk to call their own. Eli closed his eyes and pulled away, fearing the slam of a shoulder. Jay's grip loosened, and with a surprising sigh, he followed Eli to get out of the way—but with only a few inches to spare. The men mumbled under their breath as they passed by, then that was it. They were gone and Eli and Jay were walking on the sidewalk.

  But the men's influence lingered. Eli thought he could hear the smear of curse words and epithets on the wind. Jay's hands were deep in his pockets now, his shoulders slumped. He looked more defeated than Eli had ever seen him.

  "You okay?" he asked. "Maybe we should just go back."

  "Nah. I was invited to a party, so I'm going to go to a damn party. Look—" Jay touched his backpack, pulling out a bag full of trail mix—the kind that Maggie used to make for them when he was younger—and some water in canteens. "We're ready for survival. Just think of it as a new adventure, Eli. Don't think of it as a friendly place."

  Jay winked slightly as he handed Eli the water. Oddly enough, having Jay admit the less-than-easy time they may have made Eli feel better. It was only when he felt like the only person who could see or hear something that he felt left out. But if Jay was on his side, he knew they could take on the world.

  "What else you got in that bag?" Eli asked, munching on the snacks.

  "Never you mind, Eli Hogan."

  "Sorry. It's just a long walk."

  "Yeah, I know." Jay took a drink before a sudden spark appeared in his eye. "How about I tell you a story?"

  Eli laughed. "Sure. What do you have?"

  "Well, I never finished about Mark. Let me tell you about the great Bear of the North—only this bear, unlike the kind of stories you're probably used to from Tantoo, isn't full of Native Blackfoot history, but instead of the Great Gay Community."

  Eli almost choked on his water. This had been the first time that Jay had ever really called himself gay. He could admit to liking boys and liking the things he did with them—and Eli had witnessed the start of a few trysts—but the behaviour held a different spot inside his head than the title 'gay'. Just because you acted a certain way didn't mean you were something. And gay was a thing that no one really talked about on the rez, even if they accepted it.

  "Gay community? Do you have meetings?"

  Jay laughed, his eyes slightly red. "A little. When I met Mark, he used to buy cigarettes from me, we'd have fun in the back of my grandma's trailer, but then he got really claustrophobic. White people are just used to having so much space. Especially white people who are rich. So I went with him in his nice blue car and we went to his apartment. It was just as tiny as was my grandma's place, but less people had walked through it. So he thought it was bigger." Jay paused and seemed to try and remember all that he had done. It was the one time Eli had seen him unsure in a story, stumbling over the next events. Eli realized this must be the first time he had told it to anyone but himself. "So, yeah. Sometimes he took me to clubs. That's where I met the first big bear—but apparently Mark is a bear, too."

  "Like…?"

  "Not like spirit animals. Come on. It's just… he looks like a bear. Big and hairy and cuddly. Or something like that. I don't really know. He just gave me the name, and so I used it. "

  "Ah. I see."

  "Yeah. There is a bear community, though you don't need to necessarily talk to one another to be a part of the sam
e community. Too much effort. But there are also otters, polar bears. It's a community, but not like we are, you know? They have a flag, though."

  "Really?"

  "Yeah. Fucking white people and their goddamn flags." Jay paused at another set of lights, nearly having to grab Eli before he kept walking. A car zoomed by—a dark blue car like Mark had, but it was not his vehicle. Music hummed from open windows, along with the buzz of power lines and bugs in heat. There was so much to look at, hear, and experience, Eli didn't know how Jay didn't get overwhelmed every time he was out.

  As they walked across the street, Jay told Eli a few more stories about the club he had gone to, followed by some of the house parties. He would often bring cigarettes there and try to sell them, but even after he had finished off his stock, he'd stay the night.

  "Sometimes on someone's couch, sometimes in Mark's bed." Jay smirked at the memory, then quickly turned to Eli with a serious tone. "That's not what we're going to do tonight, though. I don't want to spend the night anymore."

  "Why not?"

  Jay shook his head, hiding something he wasn't willing to tell. Eli let the omission go, though he tried to read Jay's face.

  "You never told me the end of the story," he said.

  "What do you mean?"

  "All I know are fun times. Why don't you and Mark… you know?"

  "Have sex anymore?" Jay said with a grin. "You can say I have sex, Eli. It's not like Tantoo can hear."

  "I—I know."

  "Okay," Jay said, his eyes lingering on Eli's blush. "Just making sure."

  They were quiet once more. Eli grew frustrated with how often Jay would start his stories, but never end them. It was hard to be a community storyteller when you kept skipping like stones in a lake. A loud truck drove by them and turned down a road. Jay seemed to recognize the vehicle and his legs picked up as they walked. Eli noted the gray exhaust and how it lingered from the back of the truck—and then how it matched the imposing colour of the sky. He hadn't gone to the radio station before they left. He didn't know if it was supposed to rain—or storm. He glanced and saw another general store across the street—this one with flashing lights and far more signs than the one on the rez—and wondered if the attendant there had access to weather reports.